南智作文第一次作业argument52

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Argument52
The following appeared in a memo to the human resources manager at Baobob Inc., a large architectural firm.

"Several well-known, retired architects were interviewed in Architecture Today about changes in the field. Only one had earned a college degree in architecture. All others had come into the field at an early age by serving apprenticeships that required them to work under the direct supervision of an experienced architect. Several of the colleges that we recruit from report that many promising architecture students leave school early in their undergraduate career. Therefore, because finding talented architecture graduates is becoming more difficult, Baobob Inc. should start an aggressive apprenticeship program and hire students who express an interest in architecture directly out of high school rather than wait for them to get out of college."


The argument concludes that the company should recruit student be engaged in architecture after they graduate from high school and begin an apprenticeship program to train the student. To support the conclusion the argument cited a interview showing in some retired architechts there is only one have study architetecture in college and all others begin their architecture career as a apprentice. Besides the interview the agument also provide a fact that many promising students in architecture leave school before graduate in some colleges.

To begin with, based on a interviewed the argument wrongly assumes that the apprenteiceship could provide more architechture than the education of colleges. However we do not have the information how the interview is conducted -- the number of people interviewed and the area where the sample are come from. If the interview did not sample enough people and the sampling methord is incorrect, the result of the interviews is questionable. And even the result is credible， it is not able to reflect the current situation beacause it collect the information fo retired people who are start their career decades ago.

Morever, the argument based the conclusion on the assumption that the number of graduates in architecture declined explained why finding talendted architecture is more difficutl than before. But the argument only provide facts that many student did not attain their degree in some colleges. We can not claim the number of graduates get fewer than before. Besides it, there may be other factors caused enrolling graduates is harder. For instance, the Baobob company can not provide competeive salary, or the Baobob company can not give the graduates a better fortune.  

At the last, the argument ignore the possibility that the apprentices in the company also will leave during their training. If so, the company may suffering lost in the money and wastes of the time. Therefore the method of apprentice ship may not have a advantage against the way enroll graduates. Without ruling out this possibility, the argument is not persuasive at all.

In summary, the conclusion reached in this argument is invalid and misleading. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to provide the informaiton the number of the people interviewed. Moreever the arguer should show us the reason why finding talented architecture graduates is becoming more difficult.

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标题格式不对，请修改

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The argument concludes that the company should recruit student be engaged in architecture after they graduate from high school and begin an apprenticeship program to train the student. To support the conclusion the argument cited a interview showing in some retired architechts there is only one have study architetecture in college and all others begin their architecture career as a apprentice. Besides the interview the agument also provide a fact that many promising students in architecture leave school before graduate in some colleges.

To begin with, based on a interviewed the argument wrongly assumes that the apprenteiceship could provide more architechture than the education of colleges. However we do not have the information how the interview is conducted -- the number of people interviewed and the area where the sample are come from. If the interview did not sample enough people and the sampling methord is incorrect, the result of the interviews is questionable. And even the result is credible， it is not able to reflect the current situation beacause it collect the information fo retired people who are start their career decades ago.

Morever, the argument based the conclusion on the assumption that the number of graduates in architecture declined explained why finding talendted architecture is more difficutldifficult than before. But the argument only provide facts that many students did not attain their degree in some colleges. We can not claim the number of graduates get fewer than before. Besides it, there may be other factors caused enrolling graduates is harder. For instance, the Baobob company can not provide competeive salary, or the Baobob company can not give the graduates a better fortune.  

At the last, the argument ignore the possibility that the apprentices in the company also will leave during their training. If so, the company may sufferingsuffer from lost in theno the money and wastes of theno the time. Therefore the method of apprentice ship may not have aan advantage against the way enroll graduates. Without ruling out this possibility, the argument is not persuasive at all.

In summary, the conclusion reached in this argument is invalid感觉invalid语气太强了 and misleading. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer would have to provide the informaiton the number of the people interviewed. MoreeverMore over the arguer should show us the reason why finding talented architecture graduates is becoming more difficult.
感觉整体的连贯比我好多了，有一些小错误，我标注起来了
第三段你说many students did not attain their degree，我觉得文中只是说promising students leave比较早
第四段感觉展开的不够
可不可以帮我也改一下