Issue130 <米国有米第10次作业> 欢迎交流

aefiterUID: 2134740

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 603            TIME: 0:41:00            DATE: 2007-1-19

有点跑题
社会化写偏了，写成了教育的重要性。

As the speaker points out the importance of socialization of children during their development of body and mind, the speaker has overlooked other aspects that determine the future of our society. In the level of younger generation, children education are not confined to how they are socialized; many other skills such as scientific education, moral and ethical education, and the build-up of a strong body will altogether influence the future prospect of our society. Moreover, social prospect is affected by whether various issues of our society are properly arranged by the leaders of the government.

Undeniably, young children are the hope of the future society. Any society will heavily rely on younger generation to devote for the basic construction, enhancement of moral environment, and many integrated level of well-beings of each member of the society. The task of continuous construction of our society in a wider sense will fall on the next generation. This idea to explain the social development is plain to understand. This fact also explains why one nation's educational projects are concerning each conscientious government. Examples in United States will be telling in illustrate government's concernment on this issue. No Child Left Behind Act signed by President Bush manifests clearly the posture of the government in dealing with education of younger generation. Without a proper and reliable education system, the ultimate force for future development will be jeopardized.

As young children are promising force to promote social development, society naturally strive to provide an environment suitable to children's development both individually and socially. Although our society has realized the importance of children's growth and provided the education best designed for them, this education is not perfect to provide the desired quality of education to children. As the speaker has mentioned, the insufficiency of this mechanism by which our society educates young generation still exists obdurately. The ideal education scheme for our society to address educational issues is not reached. Young children are being inflicted by the bombardment of TV violence, indecent information posted on the internet, and this salient shortcoming is only one of a composite of social threat to children's development. Other than these improper contents circulated on the media, our children in some societies have to suffer from unstable environment resulted from national turmoil and revolution. In spite that United Nation is a savior to this threat to children in some countries, our observation tell us this force is not strong enough to completely solve this social problem.

Whereas our society has realized the problems existing in education system, the speaker has amplified the role young children play in determining social future. Compared with the importance of the upright cultivation of young children, many other equally vital issues are waiting for each member of the contemporary society to deal with. We need look no further than the aggravating environmental problems that are threatening the survival of the whole world. To the rescue to this severe problem, the inculcation of a friendly attitude to our mother earth is the solution, rather than the education of only younger generation. Although younger generation lead the future of society, before that generation become powerful, our society may have been destroyed by the grown-ups. This immediate social problem will also influence heavily on the destiny of our society.

To sum up, the speaker has partially generalized the factor that determines society's future as the upright inculcation and cultivation of next generation. Other than this respect, our society should pay attention to address other social problems such as worldwide problems of environment as well as the destructive forces lead by grown-ups of our society.

[ 本帖最后由 aefiter 于 2007-1-19 19:16 编辑 ]

cckantUID: 2247822

As the speaker points out the importance of socialization of children during their development of body and mind, the speaker has overlooked other aspects that determine the future of our society. In the level of younger generation, children education are not confined to how they are socialized; many other skills such as scientific education, moral and ethical education, and the build-up of a strong body will altogether influence the (future prospect已包含将来的意思) prospect of our society. Moreover, social prospect is affected by whether various issues of our society are properly arranged by the leaders of the government.

Undeniably, (young划去) children are the hope of the future society. Any society will heavily rely on younger generation to devote for the basic construction, enhancement of moral environment, and many integrated levels of well-beings of each member of the society. The task of continuous construction of our society in a wider sense will fall on the next generation. This idea to explain the social development is plain to understand. This fact also explains why one nation's educational projects are concerning each conscientious government. Examples in United States will be telling in illustrating government's concernment on this issue. No Child Left Behind Act signed by President Bush manifests clearly the posture of the government in dealing with education of younger generation. Without a proper and reliable education system, the ultimate force for future development will be jeopardized.

As young children are promising force to promote social development, society naturally strive to provide an environment suitable to children's development both individually and socially. Although our society has realized the importance of children's growth and provided the education best designed for them, this education is not perfect to provide the desired quality of education to children. As the speaker has mentioned, the insufficiency of this mechanism by which our society educates young generation still exists obdurately似乎看不到issue里面有提到这个意思的. The ideal education scheme for our society to address educational issues is not reached. Young children are currently inflicted by the bombardment of TV violence, indecent information posted on the internet, and this salient shortcoming is(似乎应该用复数) only one of composites of social threat to children's development. Other than these improper contents circulated on the media, (our不用our会显得客观点，而且，our和后面的societies有矛盾，如果时把人类作为一个整体，society应该用单数，如果不是的话，our就不妥) children in some societies have to suffer from unstable environment resulted from national turmoil and revolution. Despite that United Nation is a savior to this threat to children in some countries, our observation tell us this force is not strong enough to completely solve this social problem.

Whereas our society has realized the problems existing in education system, the speaker has amplified the role young children play in determining social future. Compared with the importance of the upright cultivation of young children, many other equally vital issues are waiting for each member of the contemporary society to deal with. We need look no further than the aggravating environmental problems that are threatening the survival of the whole world. To the rescue(rescue感觉上不太恰当，用solve会自然些) to this severe problem, the inculcation of a friendly attitude to our mother earth is the solution(solution 和前面的to rescue重复了，可以改为to solve this servere problem, it is to inculcate a friendly attitude toward our mother earth, not only children but also adult), rather than the education of only younger generation. Although younger generation leads the future of society, before that generation becomes powerful, our society may have been destroyed by the grown-ups. This immediate social problem will also influence heavily on the destiny of our society.
To sum up, the speaker has partially generalized the factor that determines society's future as the upright inculcation and cultivation of next generation. Other than this respect, our society should pay attention to address other social problems such as worldwide problems of environment as well as the destructive forces lead by grown-ups of our society.

Comment:
1. 速度很快，41min写出了600多字，有点惊人
2. 的确跑题了，以我的理解，issue要讲的时，如何教导儿童去适应和以什么方式进行群体活动，社会交往，开展社会生活，对社会的命运有着至关重要的作用，而不幸的是，目前我们还没有学会一种在这方面教导儿童使得可以有一个更加理想的社会的方法。全文似乎没有涉及到如何教导儿童社交的问题，即使你的理论要说过于夸大了儿童社交教育的重要性，一个让步的段落会使得文章切题些。而且在论述的过程中也应该详述为什么这种重要性被扩大了。到后来讲到了各种社会问题就离题更远了，没有找到一个更好的办法不一定就等于是一个社会问题。要先论证社交教育的不足产生了什么问题，才能引伸到其他社会问题。
3. 建议考试的时候多用时间思考题目组织思维，450字已经足够拿到合理的分数了。

[ 本帖最后由 cckant 于 2007-1-20 11:11 编辑 ]