Argument26 【四海一家】第一次作业

vincentshinUID: 2246176

题目：ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
字数：505          用时：0:30:00          日期：2007-1-30

In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in Saluda recommends that the Saluda board should hire Mr.Schade to take charge of the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. He also provides a variety of evidence to support his claim. This memo seems somehow plausible at first glance, however, careful consideration and further reflection will reveal that it suffers from several critical logical flaws, which render it not so convincing as it stands.

  The threshold assumption with this memo involves the fact that the school band from Steel City High (SCH) has won three regional band competitions since Schade was the music director. He seems to intend to justify a causal relationship between the administrative achievements of Schade and this fact. However, the memo's proponent provides no evidence that this is the case since all that we know is just these two things happened simultaneously. Perhaps Schade had nothing to do with this fact, and that the winning of three competitions could be explained by other scenarios, such as a higher quality of performance among SCH's participants, or to the contrary, a worse quality of performance among other competitors. This possibility also could be expanded to that in SCH the general admission standards for those musical students was higher than those of other schools, and as a result, SCH had a great advantage over its competitors. Either scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the memo's recommendation.

  Nor could the memo's proponent justify the assumption that the improvement in the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments could be attributable entirely to the efforts made by the Schade. Lacking concrete evidence, it is highly possible that the overall musical instrument is too old for the students to use, and as a result, the school had to replace all the instruments. Due to the development of manufacture technology, a greater improvement was put on the music instruments. Merely consider this possibility mentioned above, rendering this memo highly suspect.

  In the final analysis, the memo unfairly assumes that Schade would be necessary and suffice to be in charge of the general music education programs in the entire Saluda school system. However, he provides no information to bolster his idea. Lacking the critical information, perhaps other candidates would be more suitable than Schade, and that Schade's personal ability is not sufficient to manage the programs for the entire school system. In short,the memo's proponent overlooks other great differences between SCH and entire school systems, probably leading to a failure of the entire school system due to the insufficient ability of Schade to overcome such differences.

  To sum up, this memo is not persuasive as it stands. To better evaluate this memo, we should be told more compelling evidence about Schade's role in the musical development of SCH. At the same time, the memo's proponent should provides other evidence to prove that Schade is necessary and suffice to take the administration of the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.
我写了提纲后，看了范文后，才写出了这篇argument了。好累。请拍砖，不要轻轻的，要狠狠的。请多多指教！稍作修改。原烂文如下。

[ 本帖最后由 vincentshin 于 2007-1-31 10:50 编辑 ]

Puppy22UID: 2239597

In this memo, the chairperson of the school board in Saluda recommends that the Saluda board should hire Mr. Schade to take charge of the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. He also provides a variety of evidence to support his claim. This memo seems somehow plausible at first glance, however, careful consideration and further reflection [反映？思索？] will reveal that it suffers from several critical [and] logical flaws, which render it not so convincing as it stands.

  The threshold assumption with this memo involves the fact that the school band from Steel City High (SCH) has won three regional band competitions since Schade was [became] the music director. He [指谁] seems to intend to justify a causal relationship between the administrative achievements of Schade and this fact [the honors of the band]. However, the memo's proponent provides no evidence that this is the case since all that we know is just these two things happened simultaneously [这句话有点怪]. Perhaps Schade had nothing to do with this fact, and that the winning of three competitions could be explained by other scenarios [剧情？factors], such as a higher quality of performance among SCH's participants, or to [on] the contrary, a worse quality of performance among other competitors. This possibility also could be expanded to that in SCH the general admission standards for those musical students was higher than those of other schools, and as a result, SCH had a great advantage over its competitors [rivals]. Either scenarios [factor], if true, would serve to undermine the memo's recommendation.

  Nor could the memo's proponent justify the assumption that the improvement in the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments could be attributable entirely to the efforts made by the Schade. Lacking concrete evidence, it is highly possible that the overall musical instrument is too old for the students to use, and as a result, the school had to replace all the instruments. Due to the development of manufacture technology, a greater improvement was put on the music instruments. Merely consider this possibility mentioned above, rendering this memo highly suspect.

  In the final analysis, the memo unfairly assumes that Schade would be necessary and suffice to be in charge of the general music education programs in the entire Saluda school system. However, he [it] provides no information to bolster his [the] recommendation. Lacking [the] critical information, perhaps other candidates would be more suitable than Schade, and that Schade's personal ability is[may be可能好一点] not sufficient to administrate the programs for the entire school system. The memo's proponent overlooks other great differences between SCH and entire school systems, leading to a failure in which the entire school system may [be] malfunction [应该用adj.] due to the insufficient ability of Schade to overcome such differences.

  To sum up, this memo is not persuasive as it stands. To better evaluate this memo, we should be told more compelling evidence about Schade's role in the musical development of SCH. At the same time, the memo's proponent should provides other evidence to prove that Schade is necessary and suffice to take the administration of the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.

[觉得有些地方还是语气不要那么绝对，还有一些用词注意吧。可以考虑把一些句子换一些说法，有些几乎一样的总结性的句子重复出现。总的来说还是比较有说服力吧！]

本身对argument也不是太熟悉……仅凭感觉:loveliness: 多多包涵！

[ 本帖最后由 Puppy22 于 2007-1-31 10:37 编辑 ]