Issue51 【非G不可作文互改小组】第一次作业 也是我的第一篇作文

vigillyUID: 2222000

ISSUE51 "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."(178)

提纲：It is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests, but it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply studentwiththe fundamental skills.
1、教育要结合学生的兴趣，才能有助于学生实现自己的目标。
2、但是教育不可能满足所有学生的不同兴趣。
3、学生必须首先接受基础知识教育，在此基础上拓展学生兴趣。

  I am wondering what the standard by the speaker of truly effective education is. Does he mean education that can help one to become more efficient to achieve the legitimate goals of his life? If it is so, by judging from this perspective, it is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests, but it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply studentwiththe fundamental skills.
  
    Education meeting individual needs and interests is necessary for onein order tomake his goal, every person pursues in the whole life, come true. Everyone, in this society, has a goal in life which is different from that of others. As we all know this goal should be very connected with the needs and interests of the individual. On the contrary, education not designed to satisfy different individual needs is harmful to the student. Take Edison, who did great contribution for the society, for example, when he was young he used to go to school, but the curriculum which he was not interested in there did not fit for him. He did very poor and was expelled out from school.So it is crucial for the society to supply education applied to different individual needs and interests. Such education will provide people with the knowledge that can help them achieve their purpose.
   
    But how can education designed if everyone has different interests and needs? It must, if possible, be a waste of money and energy of the society to design such education to meet the interests of every student in school completely, say nothing of it is unfeasible for the reason that student do not have sufficient discrimination to decide which subjects they are interested in. The headmaster of Harvard University once said "Education should serve the whole society." These words illustrate that education should be designed to satisfy all the people in society, not only some special ones.
  
    Students should receive some subjects and knowledge before they start interest-education. These course such as English, mathematics, politics, physics and the forth can provide us elementary skills that are required in everyday life, in the procedure of learning other subjects we are interested in and in the teamwork. For instance, many students are afraid of learning math that requires strong logical thoughts. But it can not be deleted from the curriculum schedule just because we need it the moment we pay for commodities, gain salaries and calculate taxes.
      
    In sum, the issue of education is a complex one that requires the attention of the society and individual. I agree with the assertion that the society should pay more attention on the interests and needs of students, but it is indispensable and impossible for every school to satisfy every student. However students should accept some fundamental skills obligatorily.

我知道自己写得很不好,传上来之前也已经请同学帮忙修改过了,但是......
希望大家多多提意见哈.


[ 本帖最后由 vigilly 于 2007-2-1 19:08 编辑 ]

byking1985UID: 2222368

I am wondering what the standard by the speaker of truly effective education is. Does he[/she] mean [that education] can help one to become more efficient to achieve the legitimate goals of[in] his life? If [it is去掉] so, by judging from this perspective, it is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests[.] [However,] it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply [student with the没空格哈] fundamental skills.
  
    Education meeting individual needs and interests is necessary for [one in] order make his goal, every person [is pursuing] during the [life span], come true. Everyone, in this society, has a goal in life which is different from that of others. As we all know [,] this goal should be very connected with the needs and interests of the individual. On the contrary, education not designed to satisfy different individual needs is harmful to the student. Take Edison, who did great contribution for the society, for example, when he was young he used to go to school, but the curriculum which he [took] there did not fit for him. He did very poor and [he] was expelled out from school. So it is crucial for the society to supply education applied to different individual needs and interests. Such education will provide people with the knowledge that can help them achieve their purpose [goal].
   
    But [Nevertheless,] how can education designed if everyone has different interests and needs? It must, if possible, be a waste of money and energy[感觉time要好些] [for] the society to design such education to meet the interests of every[each] student in school completely[.][What’s more,] it is unfeasible for the reason that student do not have sufficient discrimination to decide which subjects they are interested in. The headmaster of Harvard University once said "Education should serve the whole society." These words illustrate that education should be designed to satisfy all the people in society, not only some special ones.
  
    Students should [attend some elementary courses] before they start interest-education. These course such as English, mathematics, politics, physics and the forth can provide us elementary [basic] skills that are required in everyday life, in the procedure of learning other subjects we are interested in and in the teamwork. For instance, many students are afraid of learning math that requires strong logical thoughts. But it can not be deleted from the curriculum schedule just because we need it the moment we pay for commodities, gain salaries and calculate taxes.
      
    In sum, the issue of education is a complex one that requires the attention of the society and individual. I agree with the assertion that the society should pay more attention on the interests and needs of students, but it is indispensable and impossible for every school to satisfy every student. However students should accept some fundamental skills obligatorily.

cathy-zhang7777UID: 2232922

注意一下。个人感觉好像有些偏题。。
题目是只有当满足兴趣。。。教育才真正有效。
而不是满足兴趣。。。的可能性和实现性。
也就是说，即使满足个人兴趣。。。是不可能实现的，但是题目也有可能没错。它只是一个理论上的推导。
只是个人意见。。

爱迪生的例子用得很棒。。。
"Education should serve the whole society." 这句话更棒。。

[ 本帖最后由 cathy-zhang7777 于 2007-2-2 09:51 编辑 ]

vigillyUID: 2222000

晕,我刚刚看了原稿,原稿都是在WORD上修正过才放上来的,原稿该空格的地方都有空格,为什么放上来几个单词就粘到一起去了.不知道是什么原因,如果斑竹看到这种情况发生,是不是可以告诉我,我哪里操作出了问题?

回答LS的,谢谢你提出的问题,可能把正文第二段再说清楚一点,避免跑题的嫌疑.

lop45UID: 2224347

时间关系，没办法改得太细
I am wondering what the standard by the speaker of truly effective education is. Does he mean education that can help one to become more efficient to achieve the legitimate goals of his life? 这种方式开头比较少见，建议你不要吃这个螃蟹，就用北美范文上的很土但是很好用的方法。 Terminnology是让你写作有一个重点，不是这么直勾勾的去问人家 If it is so, by judging from this perspective, it is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests, but it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply student with the fundamental skills.
  
    Education meeting individual needs and interests is necessary for one in order to make his goal, every person pursues in the whole life, come true. Everyone, in this society, has a goal in life which is different from that of others. As we all know this goal should be very connected with the needs and interests of the individual. On the contrary, education not designed to satisfy different individual needs is harmful to the student. Take Edison as an example, who did great contribution for the society, for example, when he was young he used to go to school, but the curriculum which he was not interested in there did not fit for him. He did very poor and was expelled out from school. So it is crucial for the society to supply education applied to different individual needs and interests. Such education will provide people with the knowledge that can help them achieve their purpose.
   
    But how can education designed if everyone has different interests and needs? It must, if possible, be a waste of money and energy of the society to design such education to meet the interests of every student in school completely, say nothing of it is unfeasible for the reason that student do not have sufficient discriminationability to decide , discrimination means differ from to decide which subjects they are interested in. The headmaster of Harvard University once said "Education should serve the whole society." These words illustrate that education should be designed to satisfy all the people in society, not only some special ones.
  
    Students should receive some subjects and knowledge before they start interest-education. These course such as English, mathematics, politics, physics and the forth can provide us elementary skills that are required in everyday life, in the procedure of learning other subjects we are interested in and in the teamwork. For instance, many students are afraid of learning math that requires strong logical thoughts. But it can not be deleted from the curriculum schedule just because we need it the moment we pay for commodities, gain salaries and calculate taxes.
      
    In sum, the issue of education is a complex one that requires the attention of the society and individual. I agree with the assertion that the society should pay more attention on the interests and needs of students, but it is indispensable and impossible for every school to satisfy every student. However students should accept some fundamental skills obligatorily.
总体来说，还是不错了，各段都有头有尾。但是开头写的不好，我都明看太明白，好像受追星剑的影响太深了。 感觉就像是写追星剑。。。 他写特训的文笔不适合你拿来写issue。
帮你写个开头：
The speaker asserts that only when education meets every student’s needs and interest, it can be effective. I concede that a education system mentioned by him can inspire the interest of the student, after all when all the student are studying the subject they are interested in they would invariably work well. However, an effective system should be the one which can provide more assets to the society.  A specific education system cannot satisfy this goal, let alone can it be effective.
第一次能写到这种程度，佩服！！

alive1986UID: 2241739

I am wondering what the standard by the speaker of truly effective education is. Does he mean education that can help one to become more efficient to achieve the legitimate goals of his life? If it is so(if so), by judging from this perspective, it is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests, but it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply studentwiththe fundamental skills.（不错的开头，是不是听过修锐的课？）
  
    Education meeting individual needs and interests is necessary for onein order tomake his goal, every person pursues in the whole life, come true（没看懂）. Everyone, in this society, has a goal in life which is different from that of others. As we all know this goal should be very connected with the needs and interests of the individual. On the contrary, education not designed to satisfy different individual needs is harmful to the student.（怎么证明这点？） Take Edison, who did great contribution for the society, for example, when he was young he used to go to school, but the curriculum which he was not interested in there did not fit for him. He did very poor and was expelled out from school.（爱迪生例子证明了正面角度的论证，On the contrary那里缺少证明）So it is crucial for the society to supply education applied to different individual needs and interests. Such education will provide people with the knowledge that can help them achieve their purpose.
   
    But how can education designed if everyone has different interests and needs? （段疑问句不能做TS句，大忌）It must, if possible, be a waste of money and energy of the society to design such education to meet the interests of every student in school completely, say nothing of it is unfeasible for the reason that student do not have sufficient discrimination to decide which subjects they are interested in. （好句）The headmaster of Harvard University once said "Education should serve the whole society." These words illustrate that education should be designed to satisfy all the people in society, not only some special ones.（这一句和你想在本段证明的没大关系，至少没说清楚，应增加过渡，否则这一句太突然）
  
    Students should receive some subjects and knowledge before they start interest-education. These course such as English, mathematics, politics, physics and the forth（不懂？） can provide us elementary skills that are required（不赞成用被动，看得不舒服） in everyday life, in the procedure of learning other subjects we are interested in and in the teamwork. For instance, many students are afraid of learning math that requires strong logical thoughts. But it can not be deleted from the curriculum schedule just because we need it the moment we pay for commodities, gain salaries and calculate taxes.
      
    In sum, the issue of education is a complex one that requires the attention of the society and individual. I agree with the assertion that the society should pay more attention on the interests and needs of students, but it is indispensable and impossible(既“不可缺少'，又"不可能",矛盾) for every school to satisfy every student. However（However表示转折，用在这不对，体现不出前后逻辑关系） students should accept some fundamental skills obligatorily.


PS: 总体写的不错，但论证还欠深入，对题目的理解还不够全面，多看看秘方的分析－－分析的很好：）

sendUID: 2200778

I am wondering what the standard by the speaker of truly effective education is. Does he mean education that can help one to become more efficient to achieve the legitimate goals of his life? If it is so, by judging from this perspective, it is true that education should be designed to meet the individual needs and interests, but it is impossible to satisfy every student in school and it should be constructed upon some certain curriculum which can supply studentwiththe fundamental skills.
  
    Education meeting individual needs and interests is necessary for onein order tomake his goal, every person pursues in the whole life, come true.这句话有问题吧 Everyone, in this society这个插入不要也可,追求句子复杂适得其反, has a goal in life which is different from that thoseof others. As we all know this goal should be veryclosely connected with the needs and interests of the individual. On the contrary, education not designed to satisfy different individual needs is harmful to the student(哪个学生?）. Take Edison, who did great contribution for the society,(怎么插入这么多啊） for example , when he was young he used to go to school, but the curriculum(就一个课程还是指明了好） which he was not interested in there(这个there干什么的） did not fit for him. He did very poor(这是分数差呀还是什么的，让人看不明白）and was expelled out from school.So it is crucial for the society to supply education applied to different individual needs and interests. Such education will provide people with the knowledge that can help them achieve their purpose.
   
    But how can education designed if everyone has different interests and needs? It must, if possible, be a waste of money and energy of the society to design such education to meet the interests of every student in school completely, say nothing of it is unfeasible for the reason that student do not have sufficient discrimination to decide which subjects they are interested in. The headmaster of Harvard University once said "Education should serve the whole society." These words illustrate that education should be designed to satisfy all the people in society, not only some special ones.
  
    Students should receive some subjects and knowledge before they start interest-education. These course such as English, mathematics, politics, physics and the forth can provide us elementary skills that are required in everyday life, in the procedure of learning other subjects we are interested in and in the teamwork. For instance, many students are afraid of learning math that requires strong logical thoughts. But it can not be deleted from the curriculum schedule just because we need it the moment we pay for commodities, gain salaries and calculate taxes.
      
    In sum, the issue of education is a complex one that requires the attention of the society and individual. I agree with the assertion that the society should pay more attention on the interests and needs of students, but it is indispensable and impossible for every school to satisfy every student. However students should accept some fundamental skills obligatorily.

发现两个主要问题：
1.插入语太多，使文章看起来很散
2.指代不明，可能心里有话没说清楚，可以多写一点写清楚，我也常犯这样的错。