ARGUMENT147 0706G同主题写作~

疾风UID: 2269593

第一次发作文啊~

请多指教~

题目：ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
字数：528                    日期：2007-2-6

The author concludes in this argument that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months for Whirlwind has just introduced several games which might meet youngsters’ interests. This argument is unconvincing for several critical flaws.

First of all, the author fails to provide enough evidences to make the survey reliable to us. No information about the respondents of the survey is provided. If most of the respondents are adults and have little interests in video games, then the result of the survey is unbelievable because the respondents are not representative at all. Unless the author takes all the factors which could demonstrate the credibility of this survey into account could we admit the trustworthy of it.

Another flaw that weakens the logic of this argument is that the author fails to convince us that people 10 to 25 years old will surely like the video games that Whirlwind has just introduced. Even assuming that the survey is statistically reliable, and that lifelike graphics is the most significant factor in one game, it does not mean that people will like the game if there are only beautiful pictures in it. In fact, a popular game is well appreciated not only for its vivid graphics, but also for its recreation, music, story and so on. Since the author has not clearly identify that the video games which are made by Whirlwind are outstanding  in those factors I mentioned above, it is unbelievable that people will actually like these video games.

In addition, this argument is based on a unwarranted assumption that all the people have the most up-to date computers and youngsters are wealthy enough to buy video games on his or her own choices. In common sense, we know that these could not happen in most of the families. People 10 to 25 years old are most likely dependent on their parents in economics, so they may not be able to buy video games they like unrestrainedly, let alone that they have the most up-to-date computers. At this point, given that Whirlwind video games are popular among young people, there is no guarantee that they will automatically buy these games.

Finally, the author indicates without adequate evidence that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. There is no such information about the market of video games. It is likely that some companies are selling similar games to Whirlwind's and have taken up a large portion of the market. In that case, the most important problem is that whether Whirlwind's games have superiorities to those existed games. Further more, the author overlooks some other important factors in the procedure of selling, such as advertisement, the update services and so on. Without such information, the argument is unconvincing.

In conclusion, the evidence cited in this argument does not support the author's prediction. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide more information to ensure the representative of the survey and more evidences that involve more comprehensive characteristics of the video games. In addition, the author must conduct a well-organized survey to investigate the market.

OUTLINE
1.调查对象的代表性
2.好的图片并不代表受欢迎的游戏
3.电脑要求高和年轻人经济不独立(游戏再好也不一定会买)
4.忽略市场竞争和广告等的因素

[ 本帖最后由 疾风 于 2007-2-6 16:01 编辑 ]

forwyvernhomUID: 2266412

(In this argument, the author concludes that感觉第一句长句太长,拆开些许可能读起来也比较舒服吧^^)The author concludes in this argument that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months for(the reason that) Whirlwind has just introduced several games which might meet youngsters’ interests. This argument is unconvincing for several critical flaws.

First of all, the author fails to provide (us 把to us 放在句尾,一句三个to连读起来感觉有些拖累) enough evidences to make the survey reliable to us(或者整句该成这样呢the author fails to offer us a reliable survey in short of plenty considerable evidences---... 你说呢^^ ). No information about the respondents of the survey is provided(注意换词,前面已经用了provide,别给考官留下词穷的感觉哦put forward,supply,offer,serve啦之类应该都能替换吧). If most of the respondents(participants) are adults and (who 该成从句形式,不然语法有错)have( show) little interests in video games, then(从句还没结束不要跟连接词) the result of the survey is unbelievable because the respondents are not representative at all.(beacuse of the unrepresentitve respondents长短句的结合比一堆长句读起来有味吧) Unless the author takes all the factors which could demonstrate the credibility of this survey into account could we admit the trustworthy(adj trustworthiness) of it.(结尾运用倒装有想法,值得学习)

Another flaw(fallay) that weakens the logic of this argument (weakens the argument,应该没有衰弱逻辑这种说法吧,个人感觉,不是很确定)is that the author fails to convince us (感觉别老用fail to sth的句型 改成 the arguer unfaily generalizes about...)that people 10 to 25 years old will surely like the video games that Whirlwind has just introduced.(perfer Whirlwind video games 开头已经提过,不需要重复introduce这一信息) Even assuming that the survey is statistically reliable(p;ausible), and that lifelike graphics is the most significant factor(feature) in one game, it does not mean that people will like the game if there are only beautiful pictures in it.(only compelling graphics makes no sense我想改成这样^^) In fact, a popular game is well appreciated(a broad appreciated game is not only...popular 和appreciate重复概念了修改成这样) not only for its vivid graphics, but also for its recreation, music, story (plots游戏玩家的专业术语哦^^)and so on. Since the author has not clearly identify that the video games which are (which are删掉)made by Whirlwind are outstanding(serve as outstanding ones 过多的be动词会使全文失色哦)  in(according to) those factors I mentioned above, it is unbelievable (unreliable to draw the assumption)that people will actually like these video games.

In addition, this argument is based on a unwarranted assumption that all the people have the most up-to date computers and youngsters(this argument is contrary to an undeniable fact that not all the video-game fans have...and adolescents can't afford... 普通人有没有当代电脑和他的销量无关吧) are wealthy enough to buy video games on his or her own choices. In common sense, we know that these could not happen in most of the families. (需要连接词)People 10 to 25 years old are most likely dependent on their parents in economics, so they may not be able to buy video games they like unrestrainedly(好词), let alone that they have(own) the most up-to-date computers. At this point, given that Whirlwind video games are popular among young people, there is no guarantee that they will automatically buy these games.

Finally, the author indicates without adequate evidence that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. There is no such information about(involving) the market of video games. It is likely(quite possible你好喜欢用likely) that some companies are selling similar games to Whirlwind's and have taken up a large portion of the market(这句感觉有逻辑错误,别的公司总的市场占有率应该都比一个公司高吧 have taken up a more competitive portion than Whirlwind respectively). In that case, the most important problem is that whether Whirlwind's games have superiorities to those existed games. Further more, the author overlooks some other important factors in the procedure of selling, such as advertisement,(这个去掉吧,原题中有an extensive advertising campaign) the update services and so on. Without such information, the argument is unconvincing.

In conclusion, the evidence cited in this argument does not (strongly加个副词,不然太绝对了)support the author's prediction. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide more information to ensure the representative(adj) of the survey and more evidences that involve more comprehensive characteristics of the video games. In addition, the author must conduct a well-organized survey to investigate the market.
若改的不对请指出啊^^

疾风UID: 2269593

非常感谢这么细致的修改~
真的从中受益非浅~

我们学理科的毕竟还是词汇量不丰富啊...今后会在这方面多努力的~
再次感谢forwyvernhom能抽空帮我修改哈~