Argument147 [AWB小组] 第四次作业

spspliUID: 2237504

ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

outline:
1.survey
2.up-to-date computers
3."it follows"

The above argument concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months according to both the survey which seems to have found out the reasons why the sales of Whirlwind video games fell in the past two years and the recent activities of Whirlwind that they have introduced several lifelike games with an advertising campaign aimed at people at the age of 10 to 25. The prediction looks like reasonable, but there are several doubtful problems in the survey and reasoning.

In the first place, the survey is not persuasive for the following aspects. It doesn’t tell us who the surveyors of that optimistic investigation are or whether they hand out this survey because they really find enough facts and data to suggest the sales of Whirlwind will have a promising future and or maybe they just would like to bring their colleagues some confidence after the two-year sales declination. Even if we believe the survey is a result of the diligent work of a loyal and objective surveyor or a group of surveyors, we have to consider what the range of the people surveyed is and who the respondents are. Are those video-game players from different regions where the important sales centers of Whirlwind locate or are they the minority of players who are only from a limited area? Perhaps there are several other features such as the touching music and complex plots as well, which are as important as the lifelike graphics for an attractive video game. There are so many questionable places in the survey so that maybe the introduction of the games with lifelike graphics and the extensive advertising campaign are both in vain.

In the second place, it mentioned in the survey that the games providing lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. Maybe the decrease of the video games sales appears in the whole industry for players don’t want to spend their money in updating their computers in order to play a video game just for fun. What is more, the age-group most likely to play video games are 10 to 25 years old, who I don’t think will have sufficient money to purchase a new computer because most of them are students or the young who just start their career.

The last sentence in the argument makes a “After A, So Because A” mistake. No one could promise that the sales of Whirlwind will go up with the help of a survey lack of evidence and an ineffective campaign. The situation of the sales in Whirlwind may keep the same or even be worse in the near future than before.

In sum, the editor of the business magazine could give a more comprehensive survey and more convincing details to let the readers know the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase soon.
（478words）

[ 本帖最后由 spspli 于 2007-2-25 13:31 编辑 ]

tly823UID: 2145205

The above argument concludes that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months according to both the survey which seems to have found out the reasons why the sales of Whirlwind video games fell in the past two years and the recent activities of Whirlwind that they have introduced several lifelike games with an advertising campaign aimed at people at the age of 10 to 25. The prediction looks like reasonable, but there are several doubtful problems in the survey and reasoning.

In the first place, the survey is not persuasive for the following aspects[这句说得太粗了，都可以概括全文了]. It doesn’t tell us who the surveyors of that optimistic investigation are or whether they hand out this survey because they really find enough facts and data to suggest the sales of Whirlwind will have a promising future and or maybe they just would like to bring their colleagues some confidence after the two-year sales declination. Even if we believe the survey is a result of the diligent work of a loyal and objective surveyor or a group of surveyors, we have to consider what the range of the people surveyed is and who the respondents are. Are those video-game players from different regions where the important sales centers of Whirlwind locate or are they the minority of players who are only from a limited area? Perhaps there are several other features such as the touching music and complex plots as well, which are as important as the lifelike graphics for an attractive video game. There are so many questionable places in the survey so that maybe the introduction of the games with lifelike graphics and the extensive advertising campaign are both in vain.[这段倒是个万能段]

In the second place, it mentioned in the survey that the games providing lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers[这句应该指出这是有问题的]. Maybe the decrease of the video games sales appears in the whole industry for players don’t want to spend their money in updating their computers in order to play a video game just for fun. What is more, the age-group most likely to play video games are 10 to 25 years old, who I don’t think will have sufficient money to purchase a new computer because most of them are students or the young who just start their career. [不错][再加上一句，如果可能性成立的话使得结论不成立]

The last sentence in the argument makes a “After A, So Because A” mistake[不要用这种句式了，被严肃批判过，一定要具体指出错误]. No one could promise that the sales of Whirlwind will go up with the help of a survey lack of evidence and an ineffective campaign. The situation of the sales in Whirlwind may keep the same or even be worse in the near future than before.[再展开一点，如销售得好不好还跟其他因素有关，比如说宣传，价格，普及范围等]

In sum, the editor of the business magazine could give a more comprehensive survey and more convincing details to let the readers know the sales of Whirlwind video games will increase soon.

注意段落平衡，以及段落间的衔接。第三四段的展开，让它更丰满一点。