issue48 [076G飞跃小组]skysijie第三次作业 第一次限时留链必回

SkysijieUID: 2233317

第一次限时，自己感觉没有时间展开论证，有什么缺点请大家指出，谢谢

TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of historyplaces too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trendsin history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of peoplewhose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 418          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2007-2-26

The author asserts that the mostsignificant matters and trends in history were made by groups of people but notby the celebrated few. I agree with author's opinion basically.

To begin with, we should not fail to takeaccount into the fact that our society does pay too much attention on fewfamous individuals. We can find few celebrated person appear in every where,such as history textbooks, advertisements, movies, that engage every people tolearn from them. However, probably this measure cannot obtain achievement aspeople expected. As for students, they will become fantastic about the superiorauthority and fortune which absolutely do harm to their study. For adults, themajority of them possibly lose self-confidence due to the fact that they cannotget achievement like those famous one in lifetime. So, our society should notemphasis too much on individuals and totally ignores groups of people whoseidentities have been forgotten for a long period.

Groups of people, who are not attractingpopulace than famous ones, are the truly mainstream energy that made the mostimportant events and trend in history. A simple example can illustrate thisassertion profoundly. As we know, Bill Gates, who own the largest fortune inthe worldwide, is well-known in respect of creating the largest company,Microsoft Empire, change the whole society into digital times. Though he is themost contributes one to society, we should not ignore importance of groupsbehind him. It these groups, who invent so many superior operating system like"vista", create mythology of Microsoft and exert position effect ondigital technology.

Furthermore, in the past years, it was alsogroups of people contribute to society and made the tendency of history. Thoseexcellent politicians, such as Chair Mao, Washington, Martin Luther King, wereprovided by groups of people to help these leader take measures, establishpolicy and even fight for civil rights. Set Martin Luther King as an example.Martin, who is the first black leader in history, was celebrated as fighting forright of black race in the racialism times. Finally, he obtained successbecause of effort of himself and the most important factor is that there werethousand of millions black people, who forget dangerous of life, to supporthim. Thus, we shouldn't merely emphasis the importance of few famous ones.

To draw a conclusion, when comes to themost significant events and trend in history, we should conceive a balanceopinion about the celebrated individuals and groups who maybe have beenforgotten

zengyouwenUID: 2284999

issue48 [076G飞跃小组]skysijie第三次作业 第一次限时留链必回 第一次限时，自己感觉没有时间展开论证，有什么缺点请大家指出，谢谢 TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of historyplaces too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trendsin history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of peoplewhose identities have long been forgotten." WORDS: 418          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2007-2-26 The author asserts that the most significant matters and trends in history were made by groups of people but not by the celebrated few. I agree with author's opinion basically. To begin with, we should not fail to take account into the fact that our society does pay too much attention on few famous individuals. We can find few celebrated person appear in every where,such as history textbooks, advertisements, movies, that engage(encourage) every people to learn from them. However, probably this measure cannot obtain achievement as people expected. As for students, they will become fantastic about the superior authority and fortune which absolutely do harm to their study. For adults, the  majority of them possibly lose self-confidence due to the fact that they cannot get(make) achievement like those famous ones in life time. So, our society should not emphasis too much on individuals and（加 almost避免绝对化） totally ignores groups of people whose identities have been forgotten for a long period.（感觉有点别，加上by other society 或者our former society 可能会好点）感觉论证的力度有点不够加上反面论证或许更好if ....not 之类 Groups of people, who are not attracting populace than famous ones, are the truly mainstream energy that made the most important events and trend in history. A simple example can illustrate thisa ssertion profoundly. As we know, Bill Gates, who owns the largest fortune in the worldwide（world）, is well-known in respect of（不知和不合适，be well known for sth/doing sth） creating the largest company,Microsoft Empire, change（ changing） the whole society into digital times. Though he is the most contributes（contributive） one to society, we should not ignore importance of groups behind him. It these groups, who invent so many superior operating system like"vista", create mythology of Microsoft and exert position effect ondigital technology. （例子的阐述好像不够充分:confused: ） Furthermore, in the past years, it was also groups of people contribute to society and made the tendency of history. Those excellent politicians, such as Chair Mao, Washington, Martin Luther King, were provided by groups of people to help these leaders to  take measures, establish policy and even fight for civil rights. Set Martin Luther King as an example.Martin, who is the first （太绝对了可以加上第一个最有影响力的）black leader（感觉不好，用Africa-America leader非洲裔领导吧，否则一不小心撞上一个对种族歧视很重视的就....） in history, was celebrated as fighting for right of black race in the racialism times. Finally, he obtained success because of effort of himself and the most important factor is that there were thousand of millions black people, who forget dangerous of life（take their lives in arms ）, to support him. Thus, we shouldn't merely emphasis the importance of few famous ones. To draw a conclusion, when comes to the most significant events and trend in history, we should conceive a balanceopinion about the celebrated individuals and groups who maybe have been forgotten  感觉结尾太产促了，开始的时候吧结尾就写好吧可能会好点了

感觉组长还哟加油啊，有点chinglish的味道，论证方面建议与joyce交流一下，感觉她很棒！ Argument67   https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=616315&extra=page%3D1 盼回拍:handshake

Torero_LUID: 2289518

TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of historyplaces too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trendsin history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of peoplewhose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 418          TIME: 0:45:00          DATE: 2007-2-26

The author asserts that the mostsignificant matters and trends in history were made by groups of people but notby the celebrated few. I agree with author's opinion basically.（开头似乎略显单薄，可以给出自己不同意作者的地方，再简要介绍一下各段观点，条理更清楚）

To begin with, we should not fail to takeaccount into the fact that our society does pay too much attention on fewfamous individuals. We can find a few celebrated person appear in every where,such as history textbooks, advertisements, movies, that engage every people tolearn from them. However, probably this measure cannot obtain achievement aspeople expected. As for students, they will become fantastic about the superiorauthority and fortune which absolutely do harm to their study. For adults, themajority of them possibly lose self-confidence due to the fact that they cannotget achievement like those famous one in lifetime. So, our society should notemphasis too much on individuals and totally ignores groups of people whoseidentities have been forgotten for a long period. （这段的论据似乎是建立在假设上的，如果能提供点真实的事例说明人们的确只记住了名人，论点会更有说服力）

Groups of people, who are not attractingpopulace than famous ones, are the truly mainstream energy that made the mostimportant events and trend in history. A simple example can illustrate thisassertion profoundly. As we know, Bill Gates, who own the largest fortune inthe worldwide, is well-known in respect of creating the largest company,Microsoft Empire, change the whole society into digital times. Though he is themost contributes one to society, we should not ignore importance of groupsbehind him. It these groups, who invent so many superior operating system like"vista", create mythology of Microsoft and exert position effect ondigital technology. （这段论证比较合理，但还是显得不充分，group people起的左右只点了一句话——他们发明了vista，还可以说点其他作用，比如没有这些人怎样，某个部门又起了什么至关重要的作用而并非他一人能为，等等。还有每段结尾都可以总结一下这段如何支持论点，文章显得更加有力）

Furthermore, in the past years, it was alsogroups of people contribute to society and made the tendency of history. Thoseexcellent politicians, such as Chair Mao, Washington, Martin Luther King, wereprovided by groups of people to help these leader take measures, establishpolicy and even fight for civil rights. Set Martin Luther King as an example.Martin, who is the first black leader in history, was celebrated as fighting forright of black race in the racialism times. Finally, he obtained successbecause of effort of himself and the most important factor is that there werethousand of millions black people, who forget dangerous of life, to supporthim. Thus, we shouldn't merely emphasis the importance of few famous ones.
（这段也和上段差不多，就是真正起到支持论点作用的论证只有一句——有很多人支持他，前面叙述可以尽量简洁，再多分析一下人们如何支持的，离开他们会怎样，这样更充分）

To draw a conclusion, when comes to themost significant events and trend in history, we should conceive a balanceopinion about the celebrated individuals and groups who maybe have beenforgotten

我主要是从结构和逻辑上修改，一些语病和语言就请楼主自己检查。第一次限时这样已经很不错了，结构基本合理，只是论述还欠充分，也可能是写的速度太慢，正常的，多练就好，还有楼主贴子老是会把词连在一起，比如最后一个词beenforgotten，不是太方便阅读，希望注意。另外感谢楼主对我文章的细心修改，使我受益匪浅哈！

[ 本帖最后由 Torero_L 于 2007-2-28 19:00 编辑 ]