Argument142 同主题写作第六次,互拍流链

chongxinlaiUID：2235209

题目：ARGUMENT142- The article entitled 'Eating Iron' in last month's issue of Eating for Healthreported that a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron inthe diet and an increased risk of heart disease. Further, it is wellestablished that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the dietand heart disease, and red meat is high in iron. On the basis of the study and thewell-established link between red meat and heart disease, we can conclude thatthe correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is mostprobably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
字数：504          用时：0:50:22唉，最短的一次了，不知道什么时候能限时亚       日期：2007-2-26

Outline:
1.      含铁量和心脏病的发病率不一定成正比
2.      含量高不代表实际吸收的多
3.      吸收铁多的人不一定是因为这个原因才得心脏病的
4.      通过红肉推出铁元素的推理反了
In this argument, the arguer concludes that high iron levels results in heart disease. To bolster this conclusion, the arguer cites a recent study and makes a [presumption] of the correlation between red meat and heart disease. This argument suffers from a series of logical flaws, which renders it unpersuasive as it stands.（关于开头你有什么好的建议呢？）

First and foremost; no evidence is offered to support the conclusion that high levels of iron in the diet must leads to an increased risk of heart disease. According to the argument, only a correlation between amount of red meat and heart disease could be found. Apparently, the arguer fails to consider such correlation as negative. It is highly possible that people, who always eat large amounts of red meat, are more likely prevent themselves from suffering heart disease, since certain unknown materials in red meat facilitate human being blood circulation. These scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the rationality of the arguer's assertion.

In addition, even if I concede that such diet, high in iron spelt the high risk of heart disease, it is presumptive to conclude that iron is the most important factor of heart disease. It is entirely possible that not one iota  of iron contained in diet can be "really" be assimilated(当时想不起来了用别的了，很白痴的用了eat汗) by those people who have heart disease, since the way of cooking red meat, such as frying, leads iron to not be absorbed. Or perhaps other parts of certain diet such as cholesterol and calcium cause the disease. It is well known that eating too much fat is harmful to public health. Until the argument accounts for these possibilities, I can not be persuaded that iron is the key to heart disease.
Moreover, even though the argument can substantiate above assumption, it is still unreasonable to assume that high levels of iron in red meat are crucial to heart disease of such people who often eat amounts of red meat. The arguer overlooks other more important possibilities. It might be the case that certain people prefer to red meat, including athletes. Though their bodies always seems strong, most of them suffers from heart disease because of their over physical exercises and a variety of hurts, according to many experts’ research. (这样是不是好些呢)Or perhaps such people would like drinking and smoking which considerably destroy their bodies and hearts. Without ruling out every factor attributable to disease of those people, the conclusion is completely unwarranted

Finally, it is ungrounded to conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease hinges on the correlation between red meat and heart disease.  To substantiate his conclusion, not only the study of the red meat, but also other studies of variety of food including high levels of iron should be made by  the arguer to presume that almost all such food may result in heart disease. However, as a common sense, those people who always eat much food high in iron such as vegetables and fishes are healthy, with no disease of their hearts. Without considering such possibility, the conclusion is not reliable.（其实我想说的是，如果作者要证明是红肉里的铁元素导致的心脏病，那么他至少要确认所有已知的高含铁量的食品都是这样的，才可能推理真正确，呵呵，当时看逻辑学上讲的。不知道用的是不是地方）

To sum up, lacing enough evidence and reasonable analysis, the arguer's conclusion is not convincing. To make his suggestion more attractive, the arguer needs to take further study to prove itis feasible and effective.


[ 本帖最后由 chongxinlai 于 2007-2-28 10:25 编辑 ]

cynthialUID：2269776

我先占了,今晚可能看不完了,明天帖上来.

cynthialUID：2269776

题目：ARGUMENT142- The article entitled 'Eating Iron' in last month's issue of Eating for Health reported that a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron inthe diet and an increased risk of heart disease. Further, it is well established that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease, and red meat is high in iron. On the basis of the study and the well-established link between red meat and heart disease, we can conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is most probably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
字数：504          用时：0:50:22唉，最短的一次了，不知道什么时候能限时亚       日期：2007-2-26

Outline:
1.      含铁量和心脏病的发病率不一定成正比
2.      含量高不代表实际吸收的多
3.      吸收铁多的人不一定是因为这个原因才得心脏病的
4.      通过红肉推出铁元素的推理反了
In this argument, the arguer concludes that high iron levels results in heart disease. To [bolster] this conclusion, the arguer cites a recent study and makes a [presumption] of the correlation between red meat and heart disease. This argument suffers from a series of logical flaws, which renders it unpersuasive as it stands.（个人不是很喜欢这种开头，有模版的痕迹，不过你写的很简洁的）

First and foremost; no evidence is offered to support the conclusion that high levels of iron in the diet must leads to an increased risk of heart disease. According to the argument, only a correlation between amount of red meat and heart disease could be found. Apparently, the arguer fails to consider such correlation as negative. It is highly possible that people, who always eat large amounts of red meat, are more likely prevent themselves from suffering heart disease.（虽然版版有说可能存在负面影响，但是题目中well establish的是large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease，所以我觉得题目隐含的意思就是承认large amounts of red meat 导致高的发病率） These [scenarios], if true, would serve to undermine the rationality of the arguer's assertion.（既然你认为这个错是最主要的，那是不是该重点写呢，你这段写的有点空了，或者考虑把一二两段合在一起写。第二段的意思作为更进一步的支持说含铁量和心脏病的发病率不一定成正比。你看如何？）

In addition, even if I concede that such diet, high in iron spout（？这个词是不是有错，不明白啥意思） the high risk of heart disease, it is presumptive to conclude that iron is the most important factor of heart disease. It is entirely possible that not（是only吧，不然not iota不就是多了？） one[ iota ] of iron contained in diet can be "really" （“really” be）eaten（assimilated,铁貌似不是被吃下去的） by those people who have heart disease, since the way (可以展开有什么方式) of cooking red meat leads to those iron can not be absorbed. Or perhaps other parts of certain diet such as (cholesterol) and calcium (我就没想到还有这个) cause the disease. It is well known that eating too much fat is harmful to public health.[Until the argument accounts for these possibilities, I can not be persuaded that iron is the key to heart disease.] (好句子，比起用烂了的类似于without ruling out the possibilities, the author can not make his assumption convincing—争对我而言，我只会用这么一个，不是说这个句子不好—这个让人眼前一亮。我偷了去lz不介意吧，呵呵)

Moreover, even though the argument can [substantiate] the above assumption, it is still unreasonable to assume that high levels of iron in red meat is (are) crucial to heart disease of such people who often eat（amount）red meat. The arguer overlooks other more important possibilities. It might be the case that certain people prefer to red meat, may be (such as) athletes. Though their bodies always seems strong, most of them suffers from heart disease because of their over physical exercises and a variety of hurts, as a common sense. (为什么我觉得运动员很少有人得心脏病啊？如果我举这个例子我会用他们作反例来说明即使吃大量的red meat也不会有心脏病。总之是个好例子了，我怎么没想到。)Or perhaps such people would like drinking and smoking which considerably destroy their bodies and hearts. Without ruling out every (factor) attributable to disease of those people, the conclusion is completely [unwarranted].（这个比我那个without要好）

Finally, it is ridiculous（不要用这个词，讽刺的语言不要出现） to conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease [hinges] on the correlation between red meat and heart disease.  To substantiate his conclusion, not only the study of the red meat, but also other studies of variety of food including high levels of iron.（这句貌似没写完） It is possible that those people who always eat much food high in iron such as vegetables and fishes are healthy, with no disease of their hearts. Without considering such possibility, the conclusion is not reliable.（这段有点怪，感觉你是在为作者辩护，但又像是反驳，晕了。在to…和it is…两句间可能需要一些转折，否则后句象是在为前一句提供证据）

To sum up, lacing enough evidence and reasonable analysis, the arguer's conclusion is not convincing. To make his suggestion more attractive, the arguer needs to take further study to prove itis feasible and effective.

总的来说写的不错，逻辑清晰，用词也不错，我用红的标出的是好词，但是有几个词我不知道到底用的是不是很精确，lz要是知道的话告诉我吧。
多练两篇离限时就快了。限时成功后再注意一些细节应该有个不错的分数哈
向lz学习，加油咯~@~

[ 本帖最后由 cynthial 于 2007-2-28 09:00 编辑 ]

chongxinlaiUID：2235209

In this argument, the arguer concludes that high iron levels results in heart disease. To bolster this conclusion, the arguer cites a recent study and makes a [presumption] of the correlation between red meat and heart disease. This argument suffers from a series of logical flaws, which renders it unpersuasive as it stands.（关于开头你有什么好的建议呢？）

First and foremost; no evidence is offered to support the conclusion that high levels of iron in the diet must leads to an increased risk of heart disease. According to the argument, only a correlation between amount of red meat and heart disease could be found. Apparently, the arguer fails to consider such correlation as negative. It is highly possible that people, who always eat large amounts of red meat, are more likely prevent themselves from suffering heart disease, since certain unknown materials in red meat facilitate human being blood circulation. These scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the rationality of the arguer's assertion.

In addition, even if I concede that such diet, high in iron spelt the high risk of heart disease, it is presumptive to conclude that iron is the most important factor of heart disease. It is entirely possible that not one iota  of iron contained in diet can be "really" be assimilated(当时想不起来了用别的了，很白痴的用了eat汗) by those people who have heart disease, since the way of cooking red meat, such as frying, leads iron to not be absorbed. Or perhaps other parts of certain diet such as cholesterol and calcium cause the disease. It is well known that eating too much fat is harmful to public health. Until the argument accounts for these possibilities, I can not be persuaded that iron is the key to heart disease.
Moreover, even though the argument can substantiate above assumption, it is still unreasonable to assume that high levels of iron in red meat are crucial to heart disease of such people who often eat amounts of red meat. The arguer overlooks other more important possibilities. It might be the case that certain people prefer to red meat, including athletes. Though their bodies always seems strong, most of them suffers from heart disease because of their over physical exercises and a variety of hurts, according to many experts’ research. (这样是不是好些呢)Or perhaps such people would like drinking and smoking which considerably destroy their bodies and hearts. Without ruling out every factor attributable to disease of those people, the conclusion is completely unwarranted

Finally, it is ungrounded to conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease hinges on the correlation between red meat and heart disease.  To substantiate his conclusion, not only the study of the red meat, but also other studies of variety of food including high levels of iron should be made by  the arguer to presume that almost all such food may result in heart disease. However, as a common sense, those people who always eat much food high in iron such as vegetables and fishes are healthy, with no disease of their hearts. Without considering such possibility, the conclusion is not reliable.（其实我想说的是，如果作者要证明是红肉里的铁元素导致的心脏病，那么他至少要确认所有已知的高含铁量的食品都是这样的，才可能推理真正确，呵呵，当时看逻辑学上讲的。不知道用的是不是地方）

To sum up, lacing enough evidence and reasonable analysis, the arguer's conclusion is not convincing. To make his suggestion more attractive, the arguer needs to take further study to prove itis feasible and effective.

cynthialUID：2269776

原帖由 chongxinlai 于 2007-2-28 10:24 发表
关于开头你有什么好的建议呢？

我也想不出什么特别好的建议,我自己写一般都是按题目写,没有定型.不过也不是说你这样写不好,至少可以节省时间

原帖由 chongxinlai 于 2007-2-28 10:24 发表
这样是不是好些呢

这样是不是好些呢

原帖由 chongxinlai 于 2007-2-28 10:24 发表
其实我想说的是，如果作者要证明是红肉里的铁元素导致的心脏病，那么他至少要确认所有已知的高含铁量的食品都是这样的，才可能推理真正确，呵呵，当时看逻辑学上讲的。不知道用的是不是地方

我知道你的逻辑,这个用在这也没错,我的意思是你写的句子有歧义.

chongxinlaiUID：2235209

唉，看大家的开头都是差不多的。郁闷亚。希望考试不要碰到这个题，要不还要指出ETS出的题有问题了:loveliness:

brightsunshineUID：2304688

我也先占一个 今天太晚了 明天中午来拍:)

brightsunshineUID：2304688

题目：ARGUMENT142- The article entitled 'Eating Iron' in last month's issue of Eating for Healthreported that a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron inthe diet and an increased risk of heart disease. Further, it is wellestablished that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the dietand heart disease, and red meat is high in iron. On the basis of the study and thewell-established link between red meat and heart disease, we can conclude thatthe correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is mostprobably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
字数：504          用时：0:50:22唉，最短的一次了，不知道什么时候能限时亚       日期：2007-2-26

Outline:
1.      含铁量和心脏病的发病率不一定成正比
2.      含量高不代表实际吸收的多
3.      吸收铁多的人不一定是因为这个原因才得心脏病的
4.      通过红肉推出铁元素的推理反了
In this argument, the arguer concludes that high iron levels results in heart disease.//作者在文中的结论并非如此，作者在文中cite了两个观点1 a recent study found a correlation between high levels of iron in the diet and an increased risk of heart disease 2 it is well established that there is a link between large amounts of red meat in the diet and heart disease, and red meat is high in iron.结论是we can conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease, then, is most probably a function of the correlation between red meat and heart disease.
To bolster this conclusion, the arguer cites a recent study and makes a [presumption] of the correlation between red meat and heart disease. This argument suffers from a series of logical flaws, which renders it unpersuasive as it stands.（关于开头你有什么好的建议呢？）//开头好像没啥特别方法吧，当然前提是非特大牛，呵呵

First and foremost; no evidence is offered to support the conclusion that high levels of iron in the diet must leads to an increased risk of heart disease. According to the argument, only a correlation between amount of red meat and heart disease could be found.//着一句有待商榷，为什么认为第一个引用有问题时，却认为第二个没问题呢，也许两个都有问题啊 Apparently, the arguer fails to consider such correlation as negative. //收藏句It is highly possible that people, who always eat large amounts of red meat, are more likely to prevent themselves from suffering heart disease, since certain unknown materials in red meat facilitate human being blood circulation. These scenarios, if true, would serve to undermine the rationality of the arguer's assertion.//例子不错

In addition, even if I concede that such diet, high in iron spelt the high risk of heart disease, it is presumptive to conclude that iron is the most important factor of heart disease.//让步用的好 It is entirely possible that not one iota  of iron contained in diet can be "really" be assimilated(当时想不起来了用别的了，很白痴的用了eat汗) by those people who have heart disease, since the way of cooking red meat, such as frying, leads iron to not be absorbed. Or perhaps other parts of certain diet such as cholesterol//有水准阿 and calcium cause the disease. It is well known that eating too much fat is harmful to public health. Until the argument accounts for these possibilities, I can not be persuaded that iron is the key to heart disease.

Moreover, even though//去掉 the argument can substantiate above assumption, it is still unreasonable to assume that high levels of iron in red meat are crucial to heart disease of such people who often eat amounts of red meat. The arguer overlooks other more important possibilities. It might be the case that certain people prefer to red meat, including athletes. Though their bodies always seems strong, most of them suffers from heart disease because of their over physical exercises and a variety of hurts, according to many experts’ research. (这样是不是好些呢)//是的，但是前置更好Or perhaps such people would like drinking and smoking which considerably destroy their bodies and hearts. Without ruling out every factor attributable to disease of those people, the conclusion is completely unwarranted

Finally, it is ungrounded to conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease hinges on//好词 the correlation between red meat and heart disease.  To substantiate his conclusion, not only the study of the red meat, but also other studies of variety of food including high levels of iron should be made by  the arguer to presume that almost all such food may result in heart disease. However, as a common sense, those people who always eat much food high in iron such as vegetables and fishes are healthy, with no disease of their hearts. Without considering such possibility, the conclusion is not reliable.（其实我想说的是，如果作者要证明是红肉里的铁元素导致的心脏病，那么他至少要确认所有已知的高含铁量的食品都是这样的，才可能推理真正确，呵呵，当时看逻辑学上讲的。不知道用的是不是地方）//逻辑是正确的，可是看英文有点头痛，当然也许是我水平原因哦

To sum up, lacing enough evidence and reasonable analysis, the arguer's conclusion is not convincing. To make his suggestion more attractive, the arguer needs to take further study to prove itis feasible//这个词不太合适，其他都好 and effective.

可以看出来楼主很用心，语言也经过了努力的锤炼，除了开头的一点点失误，好文章！

brightsunshineUID：2304688

我改的时候颜色不同的，但是发出来就一样了，楼主指点

childbenbenUID：2296395

In addition, even if I concede that such diet, high in iron spelt the high risk of heart disease, it is presumptive to conclude that iron is the most important factor of heart disease. It is entirely possible that not one iota  of iron contained in diet can be "really" be assimilated(当时想不起来了用别的了，很白痴的用了eat汗) by those people who have heart disease, since the way of cooking red meat, such as frying, leads iron to not be absorbed. Or perhaps other parts of certain diet such as cholesterol and calcium cause the disease. It is well known that eating too much fat is harmful to public health. Until the argument accounts for these possibilities, I can not be persuaded that iron is the key to heart disease（the key to the increased risk of heart disease?）.
Moreover, even though the argument can substantiate above assumption, it is still unreasonable to assume that high levels of iron in red meat are crucial to heart disease of such people who often eat amounts of red meat. The arguer overlooks other more important possibilities. It might be the case that certain people prefer to red meat, including athletes. Though their bodies always seems strong, most of them suffers from heart disease because of their over physical exercises and a variety of hurts, according to many experts’ research. [这个例子虽然举的不错，但是他们喜欢吃red meat，是不是red meat 使得他们患病的可能性增大了呢？]Or perhaps such people would like drinking and smoking which considerably destroy their bodies and hearts. Without ruling out every factor attributable to disease of those people, the conclusion is completely unwarranted[个人感觉你这个点展开的不是很好，有点乱，个人理解作者的观点是可以增大患心脏病的危险而不是说是导致心脏病的主要原因]
Finally, it is ungrounded to conclude that the correlation between high iron levels and heart disease hinges on the correlation between red meat and heart disease.  To substantiate his conclusion, not only the study of the red meat, but also other studies of variety of food including high levels of iron should be made by  the arguer to presume that almost all such food may result in heart disease. However, as a common sense, those people who always eat much food high in iron such as vegetables and fishes are healthy, with no disease of their hearts. Without considering such possibility, the conclusion is not reliable[这一点合到第一段怎么样？好像说的都是作者没有充分的资料证明铁元素导致患心脏病的危险增大]

觉得作者的文笔不错，只是各段进行展开的时候我感觉逻辑不是很顺畅。
继续加油哦！还有谢谢你对我的文的修改，很认真，谢谢！！：）