argument45 iq28 给拍拍哦~！XIXI

annlyseaUID：2219320

TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.

"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow
字数 450

In this argument, by providing some truths and some analyses, the arguer establishs a relationship between the populations of arctic deer and that if the arctic deer is able to follow their age-old migration paterns across the frozen sea. At first glance, the arguer's conclusion is correct sound, but after deeply considering, in my poinion, there is not convince evidence to support arguer's conclusion. Therefore, it is rashly to concludes that above for arguer.

First of all, the arguer ignores the other possibilities that lead to the decline in the arctic deer populations. Maybe in this area, nowdays there is a set of pollution that influence the arctic deer's life and the emvironment is entirely deteriorated, so as to that they cannot adapt on the environment even to be death. Finally the populition of artic deer reduce. Perhaps among the group of artic deer around, there is a severe epidemic disease that threatens the life of arctic deer. Or perhaps local hunters kill more the arctic deer than before that result in the decrease of arctic. It also intimidate the life of arctic deer. So there is no conspicuous evidence to persent that the deline in arctic deer populations is mere the result of deer being unable to follow their age-ofd migration patterns across the fronzen sea.

Sencond, it is not cogent that arguer makes the conclusion depended on the report from local hunters. Because maybe they have no enough specilized skill to complete the the statistical task. Lacking the secure data, it is not reliable that arguer alleges the number of the arctic deer is reducing. So, it is unwise to adopt the imformation from the hunters.

Ultimately, arguer cites a information that during the decline of the arctic deer, it is reported that the global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt. Only relied on this report, can we make a assurance that arctic deer can not across the frozen sea? Obviously the answer is no. There is no cogent evidence to show that the global warming effects the formation of the sea ice. Perhaps the infection is not

To sum up, lacking the crediable proof, arguer can not rashly conclude that  the quality of arctic deer is declining that necessarily results in deer being unable to follow their age-old imgration patterns across the frozen sea. To support arguer's conlusion, we should be provided more evidence that the populations of arctic deer decline in this area. To better support his assertion, aruger should supply more evidence to make us believed that because of result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea, the quality of arctic deer populations decline.

这篇写的不好，乱的很。麻烦给拍拍，我的水平也不高~！！

pippo1983UID：172110

In this argument, by providing some truths and some analyses, the arguer establishs a relationship between the populations of arctic deer and that if the arctic deer is able to follow their age-old migration paterns across the frozen sea. At first glance, the arguer's conclusion is correct sound, but after deeply considering, in my poinion, there is not convince evidence to support arguer's conclusion. Therefore, it is rashly to concludes that above for arguer.

First of all, the arguer ignores the other possibilities that lead to the decline in the arctic deer populations. （总结下有什么可能，再举例会好些）Maybe in this area, nowdays there is a set of pollution that influence the arctic deer's life and the emvironment is entirely deteriorated, so as to that they cannot adapt on the environment even to be death. Finally the populition of artic deer reduce. Perhaps among the group of artic deer around, there is a severe epidemic disease that threatens the life of arctic deer. Or perhaps local hunters kill more the arctic deer than before that result in the decrease of arctic. It also intimidate the life of arctic deer. So there is no conspicuous evidence to persent that the deline in arctic deer populations is mere the result of deer being unable to follow their age-ofd migration patterns across the fronzen sea.

Sencond, it is not cogent that arguer makes the conclusion depended on the report from local hunters. Because maybe they have no enough specilized skill to complete the the statistical task. （太笼统，需要具体的细节！！）Lacking the secure data, it is not reliable that arguer alleges the number of the arctic deer is reducing. So, it is unwise to adopt the imformation from the hunters.

Ultimately, arguer cites a information that during the decline of the arctic deer, it is reported that the global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt. Only relied on this report, can we make a assurance that arctic deer can not across the frozen sea? Obviously the answer is no. There is no cogent evidence to show that the global warming effects the formation of the sea ice. Perhaps the infection is not （这段也非常笼统）

To sum up, lacking the crediable proof, arguer can not rashly conclude that  the quality of arctic deer is declining that necessarily results in deer being unable to follow their age-old imgration patterns across the frozen sea. To support arguer's conlusion, we should be provided more evidence that the populations of arctic deer decline in this area. To better support his assertion, aruger should supply more evidence to make us believed that because of result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea, the quality of arctic deer populations decline.

建议在展开论点上多下功夫，就这点意见，笑纳~~

iq28UID：2152875

ju ran gei wo gai bei ji lu.....呵呵

In this argument, by providing some truths and some analyses, the arguer establishs a relationship between the populations of arctic deer (应该是数量下降而不是数量) and that if the arctic deer is able to follow their age-old migration paterns across the frozen sea. (明白了.你是要说鹿的数量与他们能否迁徙相关.事实上题目中只是说下降跟无法按照老路线迁徙有关.不要擅自改动题目结论.题目只是一对一的情况,你改成了多对多的情况) At first glance, the arguer's conclusion is correct sound, (语法) but after deeply considering, in my poinion, there is not convince evidence to support arguer's conclusion. Therefore, it is rashly to concludes that above for arguer.
(不建议开头写这么长.参看以下链接)

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-134092-1-1.html

First of all, the arguer ignores the other possibilities that lead to the decline in the arctic deer populations. Maybe in this area, nowdays there is a set of pollution (首先指出了other possibilities是环境问题了.很好.到了具体论证的第一个层次.第二个层次是什么?就是指出这些环境问题具体是什么.水?空气?) that influence the arctic deer's life and the emvironment is entirely deteriorated, (这句话顺序有点莫明其妙.都已经说了会影响鹿的生活,后面and再来一句环境被完全破坏.明明后面一个应该作为原因放在前面说) so as to that they cannot adapt on (to) the environment even to be death. (句法混乱) Finally the populition of artic deer reduce. (毫无链接词.唐突地直接进入下一个例子) Perhaps among the group of artic deer around, there is a severe epidemic disease that threatens the life of arctic deer. Or perhaps local hunters kill more the arctic deer than before that result in the decrease of arctic. It also intimidate the life of arctic deer. (这么喜欢用短句,而且短句之间还没有连接词) So there is no conspicuous evidence to persent that the decline in arctic deer populations is mere (对照文章去,作者没有提到mere) the result of deer being unable to follow their age-ofd migration patterns across the fronzen sea.
(你本段ts只是说了鹿的减少有别的原因,没有提到不能迁徙这个理由不成立.所以段尾的结论也不成立)

Sencond, it is not cogent that arguer makes the conclusion depended on the report from local hunters. Because maybe they have no enough specilized skill to complete the the statistical task. Lacking the secure data, it is not reliable that arguer alleges the number of the arctic deer is reducing. So, it is unwise to adopt the imformation from the hunters. (本段没法过多评论了.只能说单薄)

Ultimately, arguer cites a information (这个是非常恶心的双重语法错误...sigh) that during the decline of the arctic deer, it is reported that the global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt. Only relied on this report, can we make a assurance that arctic deer can not across the frozen sea? Obviously the answer is no. (没必要搞成反问自答.锦上添花的东西) There is no cogent evidence to show that the global warming effects the formation of the sea ice. (首先,全球变暖妨碍冰的形成,这个本身就跟题目不太搭杠;其次,就算你改成使冰融化,也是不对.这个已经属于前提,不要argu.可以攻击的是融化程度是否那么严重,是否就是在鹿的迁徙路线上融化,鹿不能走别的路线么?鹿不迁徙就会死么?等等等等) Perhaps the infection is not  ?

To sum up, lacking the crediable proof, arguer can not rashly conclude that  the quality of arctic deer is declining that necessarily results in deer being unable to follow their age-old imgration patterns across the frozen sea. To support arguer's conlusion, we should be provided more evidence that the populations of arctic deer decline in this area. To better support his assertion, aruger should supply more evidence to make us believed that because of result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea, the quality of arctic deer populations decline. (sigh.有时间写这么长的结尾,竟然不去写body.开头跟结尾都只能是锦上添花.真正力挽狂澜雪中送炭的是body)


段内论证的问题我都说了
这里讲得就是段落之间关系的问题
不太明白你为什么用这么一个奇怪的顺序
首先说鹿的减少有其它原因
再说鹿可能没有减少
然后又提到迁徙的问题
中间不仅毫无逻辑性可言
而且第二个body直接就是闪了第一个body的一个嘴巴
前面分析了半天鹿减少的原因
后面又没有步步紧逼的关系,直接就来一个段落说鹿可能没有减少.看了让人觉得作者的逻辑非常混乱.

比较好的顺序
首先置疑鹿是否减少
然后让步即使减少
不一定是迁徙的原因
最后再让步
即使是迁徙的原因
也不一定是气候造成的迁徙原因

加油吧
这篇a估计都不能到4
看看iloveissue的argu吧
写的很好了

annlyseaUID：2219320

恩 受打击不小
这篇是第一次限时写 完整是都乱了套了
我再好好斟酌下

荧惑UID：2280559

经典啊，收下了，嘻嘻，学习学习~~:loveliness:

annlyseaUID：2219320

ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.

"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."

In this argument, by providing some truths and some analyses, the arguer establishs a relationship between the decline of the arctic deer and that the melting sea ice due to the recent global warming trends. At first glance, although the conclusion that arguer takes sounds correct, there are several logical flaws in this argument.

First of all, in this area if the number of arctic deer is declining that is open to doubt. Obviously it is rash that arguer asserts the deer populations decline depended on the report of local hunters. As we know, maybe the hunters have no enough specilized skill like the statistician and lack the specilized measure devices and criterions to complete the statistical task. In one word, maybe the populations reported by them fail to reflect the authentic condition of deer populations. So, lacking the secure data, it is unreliable to adopt the information that the deer populations are declining from the hunters.

Second, it is granted that the deer populations do decline, but it is controversial that if the decrease of deer population is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. The arger ignores the other possibilities that lead to the decline of the deer populations. Maybe in this area, nowdays there is a set of pollution such as air pollution, water pollution and etc. Because a array of environmental problems destroy the plants which the deer live on, the deer cannot find the abundant scources of food and a number of deer starve to death. Besides, perhaps among the group of artic deer around, there is a severe epidemic disease. This kind of disease spreads wildly and speedly. Even once a deer suffers from this disease, it has no chance to be healing. Therefore, it is rash to conclude that the result of the deer populations decline is that the deer are unable to migrate.

Ultimately, even if the deer being unable to accomplish the traditional migration lead to the decrease of deer populations, but there is no reliable evidence to prove that the globle warming lead to that. The arguer fails to point out that if the thickness of ice which is melting has not endure the weight of a deer. Maybe there is another migratory line to go cross frozen sea for the beer, but they do not realize that. Perhaps the plants in this area are rich to feed on for the arctic deer, they are not entirely willing to imgrant to another islands. So, there is unreliable evidence to present that the globle warnming influences on the traditional migration of the arctic deer.

To sum up, lacking the credible proof, it is hasty to take the conclusion that arguer mentioned above. So to better support his conclusion, the arguer should supply more strong evidence to justify that the result of decrease of the arctic deer number is the global warming trends.


不知道改的如何~！ip28 再给看看吧~XIXI
努力ing~~

iq28UID：2152875

占个位
这个是你的稿费的利息^_^
明天来改

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-23 03:03 编辑 ]

iq28UID：2152875

In this argument, by providing some truths (汗.虽然说背景不用攻击,你也不用把这个放在这里...) and some analyses, the arguer establishs a relationship between the decline of the arctic deer and that the melting sea ice due to the recent global warming trends. At first glance, although (去掉一个,又是的一眼又是尽管.否则下面再加一个事实上或者别的什么结构词) the conclusion that arguer takes sounds correct, there are several logical flaws in this argument.

First of all, in this area if the number of arctic deer is declining that is open to doubt. Obviously it is rash that arguer asserts the deer populations decline depended on the report of local hunters. As we know, maybe the hunters have no enough specilized skill like the statistician and lack the specilized measure devices and criterions to complete the statistical task. In one word, maybe the populations reported by them fail to reflect the authentic condition of deer populations. So, lacking the secure data, it is unreliable to adopt the information that the deer populations are declining from the hunters. (三大句红字部分其实都在说一个意思.累述了) (只是一个反例可能不够.再举一个说比如鹿会躲着猎人??似乎有点荒唐:L 不过总的来看这段已经不错了)

Second, it is granted that the deer populations do decline, (:eek: granted可以这么用?) but it is controversial that if the decrease of deer population is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. The arger ignores the other possibilities that lead to the decline of the deer populations. Maybe in this area, nowdays there is a set of pollution such as air pollution, water pollution and etc. Because a array of environmental problems destroy the plants which the deer live on, the deer cannot find the abundant scources of food and a number of deer starve to death. Besides, perhaps among the group of artic deer around, there is a severe epidemic disease. This kind of disease spreads wildly and speedly. Even (删掉even) once a deer suffers from this disease, it has no chance to be healing. Therefore, it is rash to conclude that the result of the deer populations decline is that the deer are unable to migrate. (能看到你努力试图把实例细节化了...不过看了总还是觉得味道不正...再给个方法吧.可以先质疑是不是不能迁徙鹿就死定了,然后再让步说即使不迁徙就挂掉也没有证据说明鹿不能迁徙了,甩出别的原因.这个样子不用把这些实例阐述得那么夸张,这个段落也算是充实了)

Ultimately, even if the deer being unable to accomplish the traditional migration lead to the decrease of deer populations, but there is no reliable evidence to prove that the globle warming lead to that. The arguer fails to point out that if the thickness of ice which is melting has not endure the weight of a deer. (这句又在攻击鹿是否能迁移了!这个应该放在上面的段落.要攻击的是鹿不能迁移是不是由于冰块融化造成的,不能在这个段落再质疑鹿是不是迁徙了) Maybe there is another migratory line to go cross frozen sea for the beer, but they do not realize that. (这一句跟前面一句组合起来并不能攻击错误.首先两句话之间关系我基本没有找出来.其次如果两者之间是一次让步的话,那么别的路存在鹿没有找到,归根结底原来的路没有了还是因为被全球变暖融化了啊) Perhaps the plants in this area are rich to feed on for the arctic deer, they are not entirely willing to imgrant to another islands. (反驳了前面自己的段落了...都有足够的食物了那怎么死的?至少要照顾一下前面承认的鹿减少的事实吧) So, there is unreliable evidence to present that the globle warnming influences on the traditional migration of the arctic deer.

To sum up, lacking the credible proof, it is hasty to take the conclusion that arguer mentioned above. So to better support his conclusion, the arguer should supply more strong evidence to justify that the result of decrease of the arctic deer number is the global warming trends.

段落之间的结构好多了
段内还是有问题啊
尤其最后一段
加油哈

lesmineUID：2234370

The most possibility, perhaps, according to the argument lead to the arctic deer population decline reported by local hunters related to the environmental change contributed to the higher degrees of atmosphere. Yet, it is the safest to conclude that the decreased degrees happened there will influence the utmost population more or less. However, is there really an obviously numbers decline among the arctic deer corps? The naked-eye-report has an adequate span to cover the whole arctic continent where is available for every deer free to run and feed, even on the ice, rather normal people can not afford their living for the lower temperate there than the land they are living? Or the seasonal cycle for the female deer concentrated to a given site to give birth to the junior deer generation where is neglected by local hunters. Under such varying possibilities, the results interviewed by the local inhabit should be rethink. Further, even the environmental change will give rise to the level of sea or river around deer’s food land areas, if the magnitude caused by growing melting ice was increased not enough for the deer who have long legs one of these functions is for forting water areas, as we all know. The urgent starve for food will make them an easy case to overcome the seemingly higher river. Consequently, the declined number caused by river raised lever will not apparent, even stimulating the mass physical quality as a whole for the grass across the river has in their promising age under the warm condition, for a sharply reversed result.
Even the real corps of deer there reduced by the maturing experience of hunters around the continent, it is still rash to define the increased temperate is the consequence of warmer atmosphere, thus cause the substantial mass declined in deer only for they happened in a seemingly logical turn. The possibilities caused any animal family declined or detriment are variable as one of their prey having increased in numbers like hunters maybe, the defendable contagious disease widespread and the extreme station that they have reached the ever-increased peak of contenting for mating thus caused the large number dying in the mating process. Furthermore, the presenting declined numbers in deer group maybe a result of many an complex reasons, including the arguer so-called warm atmosphere change as a culprit. Without these in-deep researches, any conclusion can not be cast.  
Last but not least, regardless the real number declined among deer group, in artic area, the other animal inhabits or the cold-dependent plants have been influenced at the respect of whole numbers as a reference? Whatever the other result can help explain the content of the argument?
To sum up, I would like to put my foot down to believe the arguer’s conclusion as he will give more convincing data concerning the whole number of deer as a whole in the artic area, and the other possibilities can be drawn for minor effect, otherwise, the conclusion, if convinced, is premature, at best.