我的作文试炼场~~

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

第一次发作文上来,请高手指点

题目:
A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. Some people want a center of business research. Other people want a center for research in agricultures (farming). Which of those two kinds of research center do you recommend for your country? Use specific reasons in your recommendation.

时间:约50'

正文:
The advantage of develop a new center of agriculture carry more weight than those of business center. As a universal acknowledgement that the basic need of human is the food of produced by farming work. Nothing can be compared with agriculture, which is enjoying a high level of respect from old time to today, by the situation of people's daily life. We can draw a terrible imagine that people without farming, and a world filled with famine and people starve to death.  The nature calls us make no effort to research the field of agriculture.

There are several factors to prove the mainly role of the importance of agriculture. First of all, the countries which suffered a large population, like India and my hometown China, must boost the quantity of yield per mu of cereal, rice, and so on. Agriculture research center could do it. Yuan Longping, who is the famous scientist of agriculture in China, invented the genetic rice that make it is possible that China can breed on third population of the world. We could not gain that high achievement without agriculture center.

Secondly, agriculture center may promote the income of bay cities. Bay cities in China, like Dalian where beside the sea, have many famous fishing area, which can raise money as much as the traveling industry does. People there always enjoy their seafood resource. And the seafood, make fish men’s pockets filled like their fishing ships. The research of agriculture drive their income has a dramatic improve, and make them endure less risk of sea work.

The third but not the last is that people who live in an awful environment and usually undergo bad climate, like people live in the west of China, need agriculture research in the aspect of keeping livestock. Livestock, sometimes mean there lives, at a times easily to die because disease of bad weather, at the old era when there were little agriculture research worked out. But today things are changed with the new skills and the raising technology, the researches bring to us.

Business research is truly convinced that it can earn a large sum of money; however, sometimes money can pay for nothing while you have nothing. That means money may has less use than a bowl of rice.

Above all the fact that we can draw a certain conclusion that agriculture center take an important role more than our daily diet. So I recommend developing a center for agriculture research, because every businessman needs food everyday from agriculture, too.

jdeppUID: 2256232

忙着刷考位呢，现在看英语就恶心……真想这辈子不再用ets这仨字母

lintelleUID: 2297267

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-659024-1-1.html
:)

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

题目:We all work or will work in out jobs with many different kinds of people. In your opinion, what are some important characteristics of a good co-worker (someone you work closely with)? Use reasons and specific examples to explain why these characteristics are important.

时间:未计时

正文:
It has been talked that as a well-done companion in our jobs should need several beneficial characteristics. Courage, determination and teamwork must be the very top three of all. Those points of view coincide with mine.

Courage, the word means a man who fears nothing, and does works with a brave heart, and never afraid to face lost. William Wallace once said that they could be destroyed but never be defeated. A person like him, a real warrior, would must be an excellent co-worker in your task team. Another spiritual courage person is Tomas Edison, who lost for thousands times to find the adept material for an electronic bubs. He never confessed that he was losing, but he told to others that he discovered thousands of the melds could not be the bubs material. That optimistic and encourage characteristics made he rose to fame as success and established the well known electric company, and a great number of inventers were willing to work for him as a great honor.

Determination can drive an exhausted climber finally achieve the highest peak of the world. Without such determination we probably never admire the pyramids in Egypt, and never found atom's existence after we found molecular. We need strong determination to defeat dull and heavy work we do. About decades of years that Clumber could first stand on the land of America. No one believes the Earth is round after Clumber’s great discovery. That strong determination called him kept on drifted in the endless ocean and made him finally succeed. We can imagine, without determination there would be no great discovery we can still obtain.

Adjunct the two above, there is another essential, teamwork, must a good workmate should need. Little ants and weak bees can build the labyrinth-like palace by their own, beavers made great dam in the surge river. But why? Teamwork not only builds their families but their great wonder at all. People all need other's aid. Irrigate a large ground, build the railways and highways, suspend the Gordon Bridge, were all need even more then thousands of labors and workers. Teamwork attaches all the fields of humanity projects. And we often regards to a cooperator with the three characteristics above as a successful team mate.

In my opinion all above the three characteristics are the most important good properties of a co-worker whom calls ideal and perfect.

lintelleUID: 2297267

开头比平均水平要好，精练干脆，直奔主题，语言使用非常得当。
第一段写得比较模糊，少了一句点明主题的话，给人的感觉，论证力果然差一点。每一个论点一定要记得和论题联系起来论证。
第二段是三个论证段中写得最好的。观点表达得非常明确，给人眼前一亮的感觉。
第三段和第一段一样，需要再和主题联系一下，给人一种被强烈说服的感觉。
尾段最好写得再华丽一点，不过现在的也可以用。

语言问题有点……给人说不出的感觉。
were willing to work for him as a great honor.
这句是最明显的语义重叠。你的文章里少说还有两处这样的重叠，感觉就像在急切的堆砌、显摆你的语言，而达到了反面的效果。自己每写一个长句以后可以回头去整体的读一遍，看看有没有什么用法表示了同一个意思，有的话一定要删掉，看官会心里很窝火的。
另外总觉得你得有些单词用得不舒服，具体也说不上来．建议你以后背单词的时候再多注意一下例句．

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

第一篇怎么没看看?

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

版主能不能给点具体意见啊,这样评太笼统了,是不是我的作文问题比较多不好下嘴啊,我现在绝对谦虚,请指教.....

lintelleUID: 2297267

的确不好下嘴。很多用法非常少见，但是看着单词的意思，也无可厚非。你写作的时候经常查字典吗？

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

我从来都不查字典的,都是xdf老俞那本书里的词啊,别的词我也不会啊

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

还有结尾我不太会,有没有牛一些的套路结尾告诉点呗?

lintelleUID: 2297267

三段论局多多少少都觉得内容空泛了些，不知道是不是因为太过重视语言的关系。出发点是很不错的。
两篇看过，觉得你还是在语言和构架两处平衡不好。不然可以写得非常漂亮的。
再多练练吧。练出感觉来以后就好了。

ccrobin000UID: 2296575

ok给你加分