我的作文习作,请帮忙改改.(修改版见4楼)

wingwanUID: 2258786

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.<br />
没有限时写,这算是第一篇我真正的Independent Writing吧.<br />
Living alone is many, many young adults' dream, since independence is so alluring to them. They long for proving that they can live without their parents' help, and they always make fun of those who live with families. Nevertheless, when it's up to me to choose one, I would definitely prefer living with family.<br />
<br />
Admittedly, being independent is the very first lesson a young adult should learn, without which a young adult can not survive in the ruthless world. Their eager of being independent is understandable, however, they may not prepare well enough to live alone. Mastering of daily life skills is the first step of being independent, but as soon as getting their first salary, a lot of young adults decide to move out from their parents. Assuming they can live well as they know more about all the new gadgets, they overlook that they know nothing about the fundamental skills needed in real life. It is not difficult to imagine what is going to happen next--they go and ask parents for help. Everyone of these young adults have their own problems: without knowing how to cook, some of them use up their money for eating out everyday; without figuring out how to pay the bills, some of them get cut out of water and electricity; without mother's telling them to wear more clothes, some of them end up with bad cold. Thus, young adults should not live alone too early until they are capable of taking care of themselves.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, living with parents has its own merits. First, living with parents for a longer time provides us sufficient time to learn some daily life skills. Only after completely mastering these skills do we make the decision of moving out. Second, living with parents enables us to communicate with parents often. Complaints about children not calling home often after moving out can be heard from numerous parents. If young adults live with parents, then these complains do not even exist. <br />
<br />
Not only young adults are usually not prepared well to live alone, but living with parents can benefit both young adults and their parents. These two points lead a conclusion that rather than living alone, it is better living with parents for a longer time.

[ 本帖最后由 wingwan 于 2007-5-16 22:40 编辑 ]

lintelleUID: 2297267

很抱歉你的作文只看了两段。看得出来背单词很下功夫，语法句式也都还不错，但是语言太中国化了。意思都能看懂，就是不舒服。是时候多看看、背背原文了。
另外还是结构问题。essay需要你给出一个论点，然后全篇重点论述你的观点，力求在最后让考官对你的观点心悦诚服。你选择了论题中提供的一面，却在文章中论证另一面的优点，非常典型的逻辑不清，对自己倒打一耙啊。
考场上不建议写两面，因为时间不够又紧张，多数考生掌握不住转折的程度，容易写成逻辑不清。从现在开始训练雄辩式的多角度论证吧。置顶贴上不少被修改过的作文，自己找着评语看看，应该都会对你有启发。

seraphwwwUID: 2157333

斑竹说的很对，我就是写两面的，感觉时间比较紧
不过后天就考了，就这样吧

wingwanUID: 2258786

谢谢版主的意见,我也是觉得写两方面时间有点紧.<img src="images/smilies/loveliness.gif" smilieid="35" border="0" alt="" /> 我会加油的!seraphwww,如果你写完了,得了高分,就来传授一下写两面的经验.

刚刚抽时间又改了一下,大家看这次怎么样?

Living alone is many, many young adults' dream, since independence is so alluring to them. They long for proving that they can live without their parents' help, and they always make fun of those who live with families. Nevertheless, when it's up to me to make a choice, I would definitely prefer living with family.

Deep in every young adult's heart lies the eager for independence, however, he/she may have not prepared well enough to live alone. Mastering basic life skills is the first step of being independent, but as soon as getting their first salary, a lot of young adults decide to move away from their parents'. Assuming they can live well as they know more about all the new gadgets, they overlook that they know nothing about the fundamental skills needed in real life. It is not difficult to imagine what is going to happen next--they go and ask parents for help--incapable of cooking, some of them use up their money for eating out everyday; failed to figure out how to pay the bills, some of them get cut out of water and electricity; devoid of mother's telling them to wear more clothes, some of them end up catching bad cold. Thus, in order to avoid those unpleasant embarrassments, living with parents for a longer time provides them sufficient time to learn necessary daily life skills.

On the other hand, living with family longer can benefit parents as well. Complaints about children not calling home often after moving out can be heard from numerous parents. It wouldn't be a problem if young adults lived at home a longer time and communicated well to their parents. For instance, they can use the extended time to prove to parents that they can take care of themselves, and also to convince parents that they will visit home every weekend and make phone calls frequently. The more persuasive young adults' words are, the more relieved parents feel.  

Admittedly, independence is the very first lesson a young adult should learn, without which no one can survive in the ruthless world. However, before young adults are capable of looking after themselves and parents adjust well to let their children go, living with family for a longer time is a more reasonable choice.

[ 本帖最后由 wingwan 于 2007-5-16 22:39 编辑 ]