菜鸟又来麻烦大家帮改作文了

mggUID: 2318522

Learning about the past has no value for those of us living in the present.Do you agree or disagree ?Use specific reasons and examples to support tour answer.

     When it comes to this issue, some people will assert that confronted a great number of serious promblem to consider and deal with nowadays around the world,focusing on the present and the future mean more than the contempating of the past for us. However, as a lot of knowledgeable socialists say,history offering a storehouse of data and information about the human and society could help us understand people and society and analyse the present and the future more accurately. In general, the great value of history is undeniable.
     In the first place, through the precious storhouse of materials, we can understand and anysle the formation and development of people and society supported by our history.As a result, we could expain almost every significiant event of us like what caused the world war two, what is the beginning of the industrial development and so on. Only when we know the causes of many disastrous wars and the terrible consequence it brought us ever, we would make great effort to keep the precious peace of our world, prevent little conflicts between countries and nations, try to connect with each others and build up friendships.
     Although the world and the human has been changing frequently, there are still some unchangeable rules in the development of our tens of thousands past that will continue working in the future.Therfore, the studying of the past and the grasping of the rules of history are able to exert a positive effect on the comprehension and analysize of the present and the future. In fact, all the theories about how society changes and why it changes are based on the information in the past.Take the enviorment protection as an example. Before the industrial revolution, no one realized the potential damage that it would caused to our enviorment. In the following years, tremendous enviormental cost that may be much more than we obtained from the industrial revolution has been taken. Given the disastrous experience, now we institute the policy of substantial development and evaluate the possible enviormental pollution of every fututral industrial construction and avoid the contamination to some extent.
    As I have mentioned above, it is undeniable that history as a mirrior has been playing an irreplaceable role in the process of understanding ourselves. Anyone blind to the history will pay tremendous cost.

[ 本帖最后由 mgg 于 2007-6-6 18:21 编辑 ]

mggUID: 2318522

好人，，，，

yq_112397UID: 2286548

Learning about the past has no value for those of us living in the present.Do you agree or disagree ?Use specific reasons and examples to support tour answer.

    When it comes to this issue, some people will assert that confronting a great number of serious problem to consider and deal with nowadays around the world,focusing on the present and the future mean more than the contempating of the past for us. (如果功底不够扎实语感不够好的话,建议不要用这样长的句子,得不偿失,这里被动使用不对,主语欠缺)However, as a lot of knowledgeable socialists say,history offers(主要不要随便使用ＩＮＧ,容易造成主语缺失） a storehouse of data and information about the human and society and it could help us understand people and society and analyse the present and the future more accurately.(the information offered by history could help us understand people and society and analyse the prsent world, anticipate the future more accurately) （这样表达较地道且清楚）In general, the great value of history is undeniable.
   
    In the first place, through the precious storehouse of materials, we can understand and anysle the information and development of people and society supported by our history.（这话跟前面的基本重复，败笔）As a result, we could expain almost every significiant event (删of us) like what caused the world war two, what was the beginning of the industrial development and so on. Only when we know the causes of many disastrous wars and the terrible consequence it brought us ever, we could make great efforts to keep the precious peace of our world, prevent little conflicts between countries and nations, try to connect with each others and build up friendships.
   
    Although the world and the human has been changing frequently, there are still some unchangeable rules in the development of our tens of thousands past that will continue working in the future.Therfore, the study of the past and the grasp of the rules of history are able to exert a positive effect on the comprehension and analysize of the present and the future. In fact, all the theories about how societies changed and why they changed are based on the fact in the past.Take the enviorment protection as an example. Before the industrial revolution, no one realized the potential damage that it would strike on our enviorment. In the following years, tremendous enviormental cost that may be much more than we obtained from the industrial revolution (删has been taken). Given the disastrous experience, now we institute the policy of substantial development and evaluate the possible enviormental pollution of every future industrial construction and avoid the contamination to some extent.

    As I have mentioned above, it is undeniable that history as a mirrior has been playing an irreplaceable role in the process of understanding ourselves. Anyone blind to the history will pay for it.

红色是改动的地方
绿色是我认为你写的好的地方
蓝色是针对一些用词重复或不太恰当而做的改进

就全文来说, 思路不是很清晰,完全看不出分段的意义,首段也没有清楚的表达将要阐述的观点,而且对相反的观点没有提到(应该提一下对立的观点的理由,显得思维比较完整而不偏激) 建议你写之前把提纲做出来.
例子:第一段: 我支持某某观点,原因三个...
       第二段:原因一
       第三段:原因二
       第四段:原因三
       第五段:总结
(二至四段)每段开头就表明理由.这样能让读者和改卷老师一目了然,有准备的阅读下面的解析.;)

就细节来说,几乎通篇是超长句.(这个让我改的比较痛苦的原因:(  ),有些竟然三谓语四谓语...其实要显示出写作水平并不一定要靠长句来表现的,精妙的短句和流畅的全文更为重要.而且长句往往很难把握,连语法上都弄不好又怎么能使意思清楚表达地道呢? 建议你长短句兼用且应以短句为主.还有就是注意语态和时态,作为一篇文章来说,这方面的失误还是多了点,这些是语感和语法的基础问题,也没什么好说的了

说得不是的地方还请见谅,纯熟个人观点,菜鸟弱改.;d: