Argument200 [mettle小组]第六次作业by yaoqian0424

yaoqian0424UID: 2323517

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 554         TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2007-7-5 上午 01:49:37

The author rests on the statistics collected from dentists to infer that male patients are more apt to be distressed about the dental work than female patients. Thus the author provides the recommendation that dentists should lay more emphasis on male consumers in advertise stratagem and stress on diverse means to alleviate the pains of suffering patients. This argument seems tempting at the first sight, however, it relies on series unproven assumptions and thus unconvincing as it stands.

First of all, the mere fact gained by the statistics from dentists that three times more men than women faint while seeing the dentists does not necessarily indicated that men are more likely to lead to coma than women do. The possible case might be that the total amount of male patients is more than that of female. For that matter, the proportion of fainted male might be smaller than that of female, from which we can infer the opposite trend. Therefore, without knowing the total number of fainted patient with different gender, the author’s above assumption is unwarranted.

Secondly, author fails to provide compelling evidence to illustrate that men are more likely to be nervous while having dental work. The faint incur during the procedure of dental disposal may result from the severity of dental diseases rather than the tension of patients. So, even if we concede that men are more likely to lead to coma, hardly can we conclude that men are more apt to suffer tension than women. In addition, female patients are also nervous about having dental work through other ways of manifestation, which means there is a good chance that they sweat heavily or scream loudly when having dental operation instead of faint or even do not dare visit dentists. Simply put, the author can not convince us men are more nervous than women in dental room.

Another flaw that weakens the logic of this argument is that the author offers no sufficient evidence to support the priority of men in the position of advertisement stratagem. Any advertisements aim to attract consumers as much as possible and are incline to emphasize on the largest group of consumer. But in this case, male patients are not proved to be the group of consumers in largest size, and the alternative may be that the number of female patients surpasses that of male, in which situation the advertisement may falsely stress on male patients and thus are unable access to the anticipated outcomes.

Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point out one more fallacy of this argument. The means mentioned by the author such as effectiveness of the anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of the staff to nervous or suffering patients that will ease the pains of patient may not necessarily be efficient to attract more consumers, since setting free from suffering is not the only concern that the patients really care about. The expense on dental treatment, the expertise of dentists as well as the equipment and environment of dental consulting room and so on are all involved in their consideration that will affect their choice. So the only emphasis on measure to ease patients’ suffering may not sufficient to attract more consumers.

In sum, any decision on promoting more consumers to visit dentists should not be draw on the basis of the false assumption and scant evidence mentioned above. To evaluate the recommendation efficiently the author should undertake more thorough investigation on the exact cause of faint on patients when visiting dentists and analyses objectively on whether men compose the largest proportion of patients to decide if they deserve to paid more attention to when exerting advertisement and whether they view the elimination of pains as their primary consideration when choosing the proper dentist.

hejieladyUID: 2282175

The author rests on the statistics collected from dentists to infer that male patients are more apt to be distressed about the dental work than female patients. Thus the author provides the recommendation(直接用recommend会不会好点啊) that dentists should lay more emphasis on male consumers in advertise （advitising吧）stratagem and stress on diverse means to alleviate the pains of suffering patients. This argument seems tempting at the first sight, however, it relies on series(series是名词 a series of) unproven assumptions and thus unconvincing as it stands.

First of all, the mere fact gained by the statistics from dentists that three times more men than women faint while seeing the dentists does not necessarily indicated that men are more likely to lead to coma than women . The possible case might be that the total amount of male patients is more than that of female. For that matter, the proportion of fainted male might be smaller than that of female, from which we can infer the opposite trend. Therefore, without knowing the total number of fainted patient（s） with different gender, the author’s above assumption is unwarranted.

Secondly, author fails to provide compelling evidence to illustrate that men are more likely to be nervous while (having dental work)(与having dental work done意思有歧义，一个是做牙科工作，一个是牙齿被看). The faint incur during the procedure of dental disposal may result from the severity of dental diseases rather than the tension of patients（这点我倒没想到）. So, even if we concede that men are more likely to lead to coma, hardly can we conclude that men are more apt to suffer tension than women. In addition, female patients are also nervous about having dental work through other ways of manifestation, which means there is a good chance that they sweat heavily or scream loudly when having dental operation instead of faint or even do not dare visit dentists. Simply put, the author can not convince us men are more nervous than women in dental room.（这段昏迷跟紧张的辨证关系分析的很好，我没想到，值得学习）

Another flaw that weakens the logic of this argument is that the author offers no sufficient evidence to support the priority of men in the position of advertisement stratagem. Any advertisements aim to attract consumers as much as possible and are （are去掉吧）incline to emphasize on the largest group of consumer. But in this case, male patients are not proved to be the group of consumers in largest size, and the alternative may be that the number of female patients surpasses that of male, in which situation the advertisement may falsely stress on male patients and thus are unable access to the anticipated outcomes.Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point out one more fallacy of this argument. The means mentioned by the author such as effectiveness of the anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of the staff to nervous or suffering patients that will ease the pains of patient may not necessarily be efficient to attract more consumers, since setting free from suffering is not the only concern that the patients really care about. The expense on dental treatment, the expertise of dentists as well as the equipment and environment of dental consulting room and so on are all involved in their consideration that will affect their choice. So the only emphasis on measure to ease patients’ suffering may not sufficient to attract more consumers.

In sum, any decision on promoting more consumers to visit dentists should not be draw on the basis of the false assumption and scant evidence mentioned above. To evaluate the recommendation efficiently the author should undertake more thorough investigation on the exact cause of faint on patients when visiting dentists and analyses objectively on whether men compose the largest proportion of patients to decide if they deserve to paid more attention to when exerting advertisement and whether they view the elimination of pains as their primary consideration when choosing the proper dentist.

有个语法想跟LZ探讨的But in this case, male patients are not proved to be the group of consumers in largest size, and the alternative may be that the number of female patients surpasses that of male, in which situation the advertisement may falsely stress on male，红色部分的从句用得对吗？

另外有个建议，我也经常犯的，就是有些句子可否精简点，比如说倒数第二段，挺多句子的，可以用符号，别的句式来表达。

目前在45分钟之内完整得写出这么这么多个字，羡慕啊！我考虑逻辑问题都要花掉十分钟呢？

[ 本帖最后由 hejielady 于 2007-7-6 11:43 编辑 ]

yaoqian0424UID: 2323517

谢谢hejie帮我改了很多语法错误，那个which引导的从句也是我的弱项，经常用，确不知道确切的用法。回头我再去查资料吧
第四段确实有点罗索，我再改改。
45分钟只写了420个字，500多是另外补充的，而且也在事先列好提纲的情况下， 你不会比我慢的，一定。
限时也不是这么容易的事，练吧！

kiciUID: 169506

Hi, I am here. You join a lot of writing groups, do you？Diligent student

TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 554         TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2007-7-5 上午 01:49:37

The author rests on the statistics collected from dentists to infer that male patients are more apt to be distressed about the dental work than female patients. Thus the author provides the recommendation that dentists should lay more emphasis on male consumers in advertise stratagem and stress on diverse means to alleviate the pains of suffering patients. This argument seems tempting at the first sight, however, it relies on series unproven assumptions and thus unconvincing as it stands. (About the restate, I think it’s better not….you can check out this discussion in Imong’s article.)

First of all, the mere fact gained by the statistics from dentists that three times more men than women faint while seeing the dentists does not necessarily indicated that men are more likely to lead to coma than women do. (The first sentence usually does not directly develop the argument, common rule is to highlight the “evidence” you wanna oppose. Tell the ETS this body is something related with the stat. Add one TS before this sentence: “the author provides no evidence that the statistics is reliable.”这个我也不是很确认，看板上版主这么说) The possible case might be that the total amount of male patients is more than that of female. (outnumber)For that matter, the proportion of fainted male might be smaller than that of female, from which we can infer the opposite trend. Therefore, without knowing the total number of fainted patient (patients)with different gender(genders), the author’s above assumption is unwarranted. (论证的不错)

Secondly, author fails to provide compelling evidence to illustrate that men are more likely to be nervous while having dental work. The faint incur during the procedure of dental disposal may result from the severity (severity? 不了解这个词汇用法。用得正确么？用pain? )of dental diseases rather than the tension of patients. So, even if we concede that men are more likely to lead to coma（coma用lead to不好吧？fall into?）, hardly can we conclude that men are more apt to suffer tension(换词汇吧strain. BTW倒装不错) than women. In addition, female patients are also nervous about having dental work through other ways of manifestation, which means there is a good chance that （我觉得直接there is a good chance放到in addition后面，然后这里用such as展开后面的具体例证）they sweat heavily or scream loudly when having dental operation instead of faint or even do not dare visit dentists. （层进不错）Simply put, the author can not convince us men are more nervous than women in dental room.

(开头用一个even if让步承接上段落。Even if the men are more likely to be nervous, it’s still unconvincing that the advertisement will work.) Another flaw that weakens the logic of this argument is that the author offers no sufficient evidence to support the priority of men in the position of advertisement stratagem（直接用strategy, stratagem usually means military maneuvers.）. Any advertisements aim to attract consumers as much as possible and are incline to emphasize on the largest group of consumer. But in this case, male patients are not proved to be the group of consumers in largest size, and the alternative may be that the number of female patients surpasses that of male, in which situation the advertisement may falsely stress on male patients and thus are unable access to the anticipated outcomes.

（这个开头是不是值得商榷？这样的句型开头，更适合于顺便一题的小错误，而这个段落该论证的是对方conclusion的关键部分，是不是该换个开头。两个分结论，男为广告中心以及强调医护照顾和麻醉药，再这里moreover承接下面论述？？）Before I come to my conclusion, it is necessary to point out one more fallacy of this argument. The means mentioned by the author such as effectiveness of the anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of the staff to nervous or suffering patients that will ease the pains of patient may not necessarily be efficient to attract more consumers(这个从句真长这样好不好一点，the means to ease the pains of patients, such as the effectiveness of the anesthetic techniques and sensitivity of the staff to nervous or suffering, may not necessarily…), since setting free from suffering(setting free from?保险起见，我就用avoid了) is not the only concern that the patients really care about. The expense on dental treatment, the expertise of dentists as well as the equipment and environment of dental consulting room and so on are all involved in their consideration that will affect their choice (choices). So the only emphasis on measure to ease patients’ suffering may not sufficient to attract more consumers.

In sum, any decision on promoting more consumers to visit dentists should not be draw on the basis of the false assumption and scant evidence mentioned above. To evaluate the recommendation efficiently the author should undertake more thorough investigation on the exact cause of faint on patients when visiting dentists and analyses (analyse) objectively on whether men compose the largest proportion of patients to decide if they deserve to paid more attention to when exerting advertisement and whether they view the elimination of pains as their primary consideration when choosing the proper dentist.

这个argu的论证思路是，stat->男更容易distressed－>广告以男为中心，并强调麻醉和医护照顾水平。论证也分四段，一个论证一段来批，不错。
第一个小疑问，反例举的越多越好？我再前面看到有人这么说。感觉文中反例，不够丰富。
另外，段间承接还是需要注意的。体现逻辑的地方
第二个疑问？怎么变颜色……我只会修改里变颜色……

[ 本帖最后由 kici 于 2007-7-6 15:13 编辑 ]

yaoqian0424UID: 2323517

多谢KICI，我差点了忘了回复
你帮我改的几个语法及用词错误，很感激，比我写的准确规范
关于Imong的文章我去搜来看看，第二段的TS细读发现冗长且重点不突出，倒数二段的开头是套用的一个模板，由于找错主次不分明套在这里就不怎么合适了，我在去看看如何安排文章的错误先后顺续。
反例是指 If not 这类吗，我确实很少用，得多学习
再次感谢hejie 和 Kici 的修改 ！！