第一次写作文！求拍！！

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In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think that is a good idea?

There is a general debate on the campus today over the phenomenon of teenagers who are still studying in the school doing a part-time job. I do not think the teenagers have jobs while they are students is a good idea. It can attract their attention from studies as for they miss the prime time of study in the whole life, it would not provide them with valuable practical experience and it can disrupt their home life.

Nowadays, education is more and more complex and difficult. In order to gain good grades, it is necessary for students to spend much time doing their homework. More importantly, the time when students in school is the prime time of study in the whole life. During this epoch, all of them own surprising memory, excellent comprehension ability. Finally, their studies ability is to make each person envy. It is hard to imagine that students prefer taking a part-time job to seize the opportunity of study.

Some people hold the opinion that taking part-time jobs provides valuable practical experience. Personally, there will be some problems. The students don’t have professionally knowledge which offers access to jobs with a clear path. So they have to do unmeaning affairs always. For example, a student takes a part-time job in a newspaper office. Because of few and unskilled technique, he cannot do the job he want to. Standing by the duplicator, handing out the material on everybody’s desk and answering the telephone are all the things he have to do all the time.

Having a job can also disrupt a teenager’s home life. If a student goes to take a part-time job after school or on weekends, he won’t have a lot of time to spend with his family. He perhaps couldn’t take part in the family gatherings. It is no doubt that the opportunity communicating with parents is less and less. However, this communicating is necessary.

After understanding the reasoning above, it is quite safe now to say: a teenagers who is still in school would not have a part-time job.

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大家帮忙看一下吧，不胜感激！！！
还有不到一个月就考了，实在没底啊～～～～～

渐逝的黑色UID: 2221834

There is ageneral（general这词用的不合适，应该用common） debate on the campus today over thephenomenon of teenagers who are still studying in the school doing a part-timejob（这句话其实任何信息都没表达，删了吧）. I do not think the teenagers have jobs while they are students is agood idea（太口语化）. It can attract their attention from studies as for（as, for都表示因为，不能放在一起） they miss the primetime of study（介词后面用ing） inthe whole life（夸张了吧？又不是去当奴隶）, it would not provide them with valuable practicalexperience and it can disrupt their home life.（Run-on句型，典型错误。后面一个理由太牵强了吧，part-time job能搞乱家庭？）

Nowadays（建议LZ把这个词永远忘掉，老外没这么用的，太过时了，用Currentlyor at present）, education is more and more complex and difficult(用形容词之前请仔细想想，教育难还是学习难？教育系统复杂还是知识结构复杂？). In order to gain good（又是good…换一个词吧。。decent grade） grades, it is necessary for students tospend much time (spend time in doing, on sth.) doing their homework. More importantly,the time when students in school is the prime time of study（用ING好不好？） in the whole life(又是whole life。建议先说明在学校的学习时间是一生中学习最多的时候，然后以后用importantperiod代替就行了，也免得罗唆). During this epoch（金山词霸查的吧？晕，这词用的太可怕了If you refer to a long period of time as an epoch, you mean thatimportant events or great changes took place during it.E.g. The birth of Christ was the beginning of a major epoch of worldhistory.耶稣才用epoch!）, all of them ownsurprising memory, excellent comprehension ability(这句话说了个啥？你应该Explain一下吧？). Finally(前面什么都没有你就用finally? 时间顺序，和因果顺序，或者firstly,secondly。。。), their studies ability（study做名词表示学术，学业，研究等，应该是studyingability） is to make each person envy（这句话结构不合适， to… is to… 不能n is to …。再说翻译成中文这句话也不通顺）. It is hard to imagine that（that能指复数吗？） students prefer taking a part-time jobto seize（平行结构，seizing） theopportunity of study.(这句话还是很不通，这有什么难想象的？)
实在改不下去了，说说这段的问题吧
1．  没有TS句，根本不知道你想说什么，论证部分也是东一棒西一锤的根本没有中心
2．  用词前一定要查一下再用，建议使用Collins词典，那个里面例句很全，让你了解上下文中怎样用词。有些词是old-fashioned 的词，别用了，用之前google一下，如果搜索结果数目很少，说明过时了。老外不这么用，你用了人家也不懂。尤其Nowadays，据说ETS评分员一看到这个词就把作文划到中国学生的范围里，分数高不了
3．  每个理由说完要解释，负责不知道你说了要干啥，还有有些理由实在写的很夸张也不着边际
4．  多看看范文吧，看看人家的句子，用词，结构，论证。你的文章论述很缺乏条理
5．  很多细小的毛病，有些句子写完之后请使者用中文翻译一下看看能不能说通，如果中文都说不通那人家也不能理解的。

General：

A general is ahigh-ranking officer in the armed forces, usually in the army.

           The General's visit to Sarajevo is part ofpreparations for the deployment of extra troops.

      

   2 ADJ  ADJ n

      

      If you talk about the general situationsomewhere or talk about something in general terms, you are describingthe situation as a whole rather than considering its details or exceptions.

           The figures represent a generaldecline in employment.

           ...the general deterioration ofEnglish society.

      

      PHRASE

      

      If you describe something in generalterms, you describe it without giving details.

           She recounted in very generalterms some of the events of recent months.

      

   3 ADJ  ADJ n

      

      You use general to describeseveral items or activities when there are too many of them or when they arenot important enough to mention separately.

           £2,500 for software is soonswallowed up in general costs...

           His firm took over the plantingand general maintenance of the park last March.

      

   4 ADJ  ADJ n

      

      You use general to describesomething that involves or affects most people, or most people in a particulargroup.

           The project should raise generalawareness about bullying.

      

   5 ADJ  ADJ n

      

      If you describe something as general,you mean that it is not restricted to any one thing or area.

           ...a general ache radiating fromthe back of the neck.

           ...a general sense of well-being.

           ...raising the level of generalphysical fitness.

      

   6 ADJ  ADJ n

      

      General is used to describe aperson's job, usually as part of their title, to indicate that they havecomplete responsibility for the administration of an organization or business.(BUSINESS)

           He joined Sanders Roe, moving onlater to become General Manager.

   

   7 see also generally

   8 PHRASE  n PHR

      You use in general to indicatethat you are talking about something as a whole, rather than about part of it.

           I think we need to improve oureducational system in general...

           She had a confused idea of lifein general.

      

   9 PHRASE  n PHR

      You say in general to indicatethat you are referring to most people or things in a particular group.

           People in general will supportus...

           She enjoys a sterling reputationin law enforcement circles and among the community in general.

   10PHRASE  PHR with cl

      You say in general to indicatethat a statement is true in most cases.

           In general, it was thebetter-educated voters who voted Yes in the referendum.

      = onthe whole

当然我说的不一定都对，有错误的地方还请LZ,大家，高手们指出，谢谢！





[ 本帖最后由 渐逝的黑色 于 2007-7-15 14:45 编辑 ]

忘记密码UID: 2309318

辛苦了，十分感谢~~~~~