Issue120 【AW-killer】第十四次作业 by gyyx

gyyxUID: 2290150

In this society new and complex, we counter too complicate problems that we have never meet with before, which the author states that looking back provides little guidance for present. However, in my opinion, looking back to the past is a way to help us deep and thoroughly in thought, as history is a book on human development, which can give us more guidance if we lost ourselves in it.

History is the study of the past, focused on human activity and leading up to the present day. With the research of past, we could get a view of what our ancestor did in the past, how we develop ourselves during history, what is the most important thing to impulse the progress of human development, as people want to make it clear that how human grow up to today. The researchers are living in the present world now, with the thoughts and methods in the present, the researchers often tell us something in their minds to us, and these thoughts are about the present life. So study of history is indispensable in this world, as we could much more guidance than we thought before. Humans with the knowledge of world history may be thoroughly cognizant of the world pattern now; ones study one’s nation history could be more patriotic than before.
Moreover, many methods we use today to guide our life are the sum-up of the past. Take some essential economic principal as an example, all these principals are the researching what happened in the past, making statistics, and analyzing them with the scientific methods. And, not only these, but also our scientific knowledge, is the summary of past, which we study, research, in order to guide our life now.

Looking back to the past could not only get a view of history to guide our life, what’s more, it is a must to acquirer history to guide our life. Taking a back to the past time, we are suffering the same problems that our ancestor did before, even more complex and modern now, however, the essence remains. Today is an era of society and technology developing rapidly, looking back properly and regularly could help us prevent some unnecessary problems, just like if we could have realize the cruelty and breakage of the world war, and if we could have aware of the pain the people would suffer, we will do one’s best to keep all of us far away from war, with the peaceful methods to solve the issues. Another aspect, in tactics and military affairs we could rely on history to in mind of the thoughts, which will make us more mighty and cogitative.
In conclusion, though it is a complex and new era, looking back not only provide the guidance to modern word, but if we want to be more deliberate in cognition, looking back is a must, for it’s benefits of history on guidance of our life today.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-19 10:31 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In this society new and complex, we counter too complicate problems that we have never meet with before, which （这个which指代不明，改成for which/since then/so/in which sense） the author states that looking back provides little guidance for present. However, in my opinion, looking back to the past is a way to help us deep and thoroughly in thought, as history is a book on human development, which can give us more guidance if we lost ourselves in it (同一句型嵌套层次太多，这里用and或者thus+动词分词就行了。那个it指代不明，还不如去掉).

History is the study of the past, focused (focusing，history是主语，动词分词主动，用现代分词) on human activity and leading up to the present day. With the research of past, we could get a view of what our ancestor did in the past, how we develop(ed，同一句内语态一致) ourselves during history, what （指代不明，这个是说how we develop..还是the view of our ancestor..？而且what引导定语从句是同时充当主句成分的，这里应该用which/that） is the most important thing to impulse the progress of human development, as people want to make it clear that how human grow up to today.（这里的句子之间逻辑关系混乱，want to make it clear...=most important impulse? 这个解释从常识来讲并不成立，development和grow up to today其实是你要建立逻辑联系的元素，这样一来才能论证学习过去对指导现在有用，但你在论证中却把它们的因果关系当成前提假设作为论据了，拿去支持的结论其实跟这个前提假设是同一件事） The researchers are living in the present world now, with the thoughts and methods in the present, the researchers often tell us something in their minds to us, and these thoughts are about the present life.（那跟过去有什么关系？the researchers are taking a present aspect to investigate the past, therefore giving them significance on present day， 我想你要表达的是这个意思吧，但这个概念还是非常笼统，而且缺乏论据支持，缺少detail，需要解释，比如历史学家用现代的技术去看过去的科学发展过程，研究它们对现代科技的作用，从而得出结论哪些技术是有重大的意义的，哪些会带来灾难，这些技术是以什么社会背景为基础发展出来的，因此告诉我们现在我们该怎么发展技术） So study of history is indispensable in this world, as we could much more guidance than we thought before.（因果无论据，why indispensable? study of history在之前一在被作为结论的一个元素出现，却没有被论据提到过） Humans with the knowledge of world history may be thoroughly cognizant of the world pattern now; ones study one’s nation history could be more patriotic than before（无论据、无论证的论断，why?）.
本段点评：庞大的一段看似内容很多，但归结下就是“过去对现代有用，因为过去给现代提供指导，研究者研究过去，告诉现代”，整段等于把这个论证来回重复，抽象提炼的话会发现只有论断，几个关键词被反复同义替换，缺乏论据、论证、细节，以至于读下来不知道你到底想说什么。

Moreover, many methods we use today to guide our life are the sum-up of the past.（这个论点跟前一个有区别么？研究过去给现在提供指导，不就是提供方法和途径么？） Take some essential economic principal as an example, all these principals are the researching what happened in the past, making statistics, and analyzing them with the scientific methods. And, not only these, but also our scientific knowledge, is the summary of past, which we study, research, in order to guide our life now（有论断没细节没论证）.
本段点评：这段内容很少，比起上一段大量抽象表达这里转向了实例，我想这是因为你发现如果把这段的论点抽象解释，会发现跟上一段很类似，因为方法、总结都是建立在研究人类的活动和发展基础之上的。特别是那个科技的。其实从第二段到第三段的过度并不是一个并列关系，而是一个从深到浅，或者从理论到实践的过度，因此你可以以此为思路建立很紧密的论证框架，但相应的应该改变语言组织方式，比如moreover就应该换成when it comes to practice这样有信息量、表达段落关系的引导词。


Looking back to the past could not only get a view of history to guide our life, what’s more, it is a must to acquirer history to guide our life.（could->must? 这个作为分论点在论证上能有区别么？这句作为主题句太笼统了，不能引导你之后的论证） Taking a back to the past time, we are suffering the same problems that our ancestor did before, even more complex and modern now, however, the essence remains.（用这个推论又得出一个结论：过去能提供给现在方法……还是段落分论点的内容部分重合） Today is an era of society and technology developing rapidly, looking back properly and regularly could help us prevent some unnecessary problems, just like if we could have realize the cruelty and breakage of the world war, and if we could have aware of the pain the people would suffer, we will do one’s best to keep all of us far away from war, with the peaceful methods to solve the issues. Another aspect, in tactics and military affairs we could rely on history to in mind of the thoughts, which will make us more mighty and cogitative.

In conclusion, though it is a complex and new era, looking back not only provide the guidance to modern word, but if we want to be more deliberate in cognition, looking back is a must, for it’s benefits of history on guidance of our life today.

总评：文章后半段没有改完，因为我觉得你的整体架构有问题，所以从句子本身去改文章已经失去意义了。
总体来讲你的思路是很不错的，三个分论点其实都很有深度，而且逻辑关系紧密，但可惜的是文章却没有选择一个能有效组织它们的结构，以至于每段想说的内容都很晦涩，让人无法理解，论证方向也不明确，不知道你写前有没有写提纲，我试着概括下，应该是：
1、历史研究我们的发展过程，从而指导我们现在的生活。（这个其实是全文论点，因此需要连接中间的逻辑进行连接）
2、历史为现在提供研究资料，从而让我们发展出新方法论。
3、历史与现代的相似性。
这三条其实是环环相扣的，但你却孤立地处理了每一条，造成文章结构不连续。
不妨尝试从新组织文章：
1、历史与现代是相似的，可以告诉我们什么是正确什么是错误。
2、通过对过去的学习，历史能够告诉我们这种相似的源头——人类的本性、发展的规律等等。
3、这样的源头能够提供给我们对于今天问题的解决方案，而不仅仅是避免错误——心理学、经济学、科学等等。

总之，觉得你的思路需要进行统合，觉得写的时候有点随性了。

另外文章完全一边倒是种很危险的论点，因为会让人觉得你思考不全面，不妨留出一段来说：的确，现在和过去相差很大……（反面论点）稍加解释之后说，正是因为这样，我们才更需要研究历史，因为……（本文论点）

gyyxUID: 2290150

谢谢天使斑斑啊，一限时之后逻辑就都乱了，尤其是完全没准备过的类型，斑斑改的真详细的说，一定好好研究。

零零兔UID: 2633946

恩 很有收获，让我也看到自己很多的不足~多谢作者和批改者

wakaka0UID: 3534087

同样赞！~