issue11 【勇往直前小组】

nornsUID: 2325187

整体的思路就是说发挥不了作用吧

1让步
2转折段
3分析social problem的特性
4进一步说明解决social problem仅仅少数人智慧是不行的
5 而国际大学，不论从哪方面来说，都只能服务和教育少数人，进而对解决社会问题鲜有建树
结尾

本来最后还有一段 6从feasibility 分析的，后来时间来不及了。再就是第一次尝试三段论， 感觉把握不好，而且从文章的比重来说分析社会问题的占了多数，会不会有偏题之嫌呢？

TOPIC: ISSUE11 - "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."
WORDS: 619          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2007-8-1 21:50:36

The fundation of a global university, intuitively speaking, is a quit good idea-if we neglect the intention of it and the problem we might encounter when carry the plan out. In fact, the so-called social problems is never a straightforward issue. From its characters we would find university like this can not function as is intended.

  Admittedly, a global university can bring many benefits, either from one's intellectual development or from the communication between nations. For example, by exchanging the ideas on how people from different nations solve a problem, such communication can spark new ideas. What's more, the understanding of different cultural background will help contribute to a probability of a world with less war and conflicts. If, for example, the students from Korea and the USA are studying together, it will certainly provide a way to lessen the tension between the two nations.
  However, how much the effect of it, we might wonder, can help us solve the persistent social problem? To get a clear understanding about this we should firstly know what is a social problem? What the character is it? And then what is needed to solve a social problem?Finally by checking the part that an international school can play in this part we would know the answer.
   Firstly, we should have a clear understanding about our social problems.Unlike math puzzle which intelligence is highly involved and few people have ideas, the difficulty of social problem lies in that every body can easily have a point of view on it and together, no agreement can be reached on it-no matter in morality or politics. For example, the controversial issue of abortion, it is not that we can not find a way of solving it-honestly speaking the solution is simply 'yes or no'-but that no universal consensus can be achieved. Some people, if brought up in certain religious atmosphere, would strongly protest it, while, others from the practical view might consider such cruel deeds as certainty. Thus we have no way to get it down. If we turn our eyes to the realms of politics, the conclusion is similar. The conflicts between the Northern Korea and the USA, in views of either of them, the other side is totally wrong. Unless we managed to change ideas of the majority of one side, there will always be conflict. The conflicts between morality and utility, the problem between peace and war, issues like these are called persistent social problems not because they are 'hard' to solve, but that they are 'hard' to make every one agree.
   Secondly, based on its characters, what is important in solving persistent social problems? Social problems, because of its characters described above, have rare to do with efforts and the intelligence of a few group of people, for what really in high demand is the agreement of the mass. In the examples we cited above, no matter how smart or correct a person is on some social problems. If he really wants to solve it he must make the critcal mass nod their heads. In the issue of abortion, he must talk those many who hold an opposite view to change their ideas. Otherwise even if what he stated is correct, no one believes him and hence his suggestion can not be carried out. In the matter of war and peace, thsi is extremely true: few people's endeavor can hardly shake the governments' beliefs on it, especially when it is related with fundamental and safety of a country. Therefore, in solving social problem, the most crucial part is to get a universal support that can decide the fierce conflicts.
  Unluckily, what the university can provide us is mostly the intellectual ability of a few individuals, rather than a critical majority of people that can decide a social problem. In the second paragraph we have already discussed that a successful school of this kind can give us a well-developed mind, the ability of thinking deeply, and the tolerance to accept different cultures. Moreover, it can help build ties of friendship between particular people from countries at war with each other. However, these part, are more of what we have talked the abilities of particular individuals. Compared with the population of a society, the students of this university is only a small part of it. According to the conclusion we have drawn in the paragraph above, it has little effect in social problems where the agreements of the majority is needed. Therefore, the effectiveness of the university is in doubt.


In sum, although the suggestion of global university seems sound, but if we have a deep understanding on how the characters of social problems and which part can best decide and solve these problems, we can clearly find that this university has works not that effective. Therefore, if our intention is to solve those persistent problems, it is unwise to expect much from a global university.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-8-3 10:21 编辑 ]

xiongnashiongUID: 2359406

The fundation of a global university, intuitively speaking, is a quit good idea-if we neglect the intention of it and the problem we might encounter when carry the plan out. In fact, the so-called social problems is never a straightforward issue. Whether from
（恩 一看就是反对为主了）
  Admittedly, a global university can bring many benefits, either from one's intellectual development or from the communication between nations. For example, by exchanging the ideas on how people from different nations solve a problem, such communication can spark new ideas. What's more, the understanding of different cultural background will help contribute to a probability of a world with less war and conflicts. If, for example, the students from Korea and the USA are studying together, it will certainly provide a way to lessen the tension between the two nations.（有好处）
  However, how much the effect of it, we might wonder, can help us solve the persistent social problem? To get this answer, firstly we should have a clear understanding about our social problems.Unlike math puzzle which intelligence is highly involved and few people have ideas, the difficulty of social problem lies in that every body can easily have a point of view on it and together, no agreement can be reached on it-no matter in morality or politics. For example, the controversial issue of abortion, it is not that we can not find a way of solving it-honestly speaking the solution is simply 'yes or no'-but that no universal consensus can be achieved. Some people, if brought up in certain religious atmosphere, would strongly protest it, while, others from the practical view might consider such cruel deeds as certainty. Either from these two vies would be supported by large quantity of people, thus we have no way to get it down. If we turn our eyes to the realms of politics, the conclusion is similar. The conflicts between the Northern Korea and the USA, in views of either of them, the other side is totally wrong. Unless we managed to change ideas of the majority of one side, there will always be conflict. The conflicts between morality and utility, the problem between peace and war, issues like these are called persistent social problems not because they are 'hard' to solve, but that they are 'hard' to make every one agree.
（不能帮助解决问题）这段感觉论据在强调不容易解决 ，他的作用不能帮助解决  这个TS似乎没有得到很好的应征
   Social problems, because of its characters described above, have rare to do with efforts and the intelligence of a particular individual, for what really in high demand is the agreement of the mass. In the examples we cited above, no matter how smart or correct a person is on some social problems. If he really wants to solve it he must make the critcal mass nod their heads. In the issue of abortion, he must talk those many who hold an opposite view to change their ideas. Otherwise even if what he stated is correct, no one believes him and hence his suggestion can not be carried out. In the matter of war and peace, it is extremely true: few people's endeavor can hardly shake the governments' beliefs on it, especially it is related with fundamental of a country.
（感觉是上段的补充论述）
Unluckily, what the university can provide us is mostly the intellectual part, rather than a critical majority of individuals that can decide a social problem. In the second paragraph we have already that a successful school of this kind can give us a well-developed mind, the ability of thinking deeply, and the tolerance to accept different cultures. Moreover, it can help build ties of friendship between particular people from countries at war with each other. However, these part, are more of what we have talked the abilities of particular individuals. According to the conclusion we have drawn in the paragraph above, it has little effect in social problems where the agreements of the majority is needed. Therefore, the effectiveness of the university is in doubt
（学校的作用只能给智力部分，不能帮助解决）还是在补充论述？

In sum, although the suggestion of global university seems sound, but if we have a deep understanding on how the characters of social problems and which part can best decide and solve these problems, we can clearly find that this university has works not that effective. Therefore, if our intention is to solve those persistent problems, it is unwise to expect much from a global university.

nornsUID: 2325187

改了一下，看来转折段还是不能和后续分析放在一起啊，要不很容易弄混TS

呵呵， 你说的没错，其实我三段就在论证不能解决， 因为我对题目的理解就是，从目的分析是最重要的。 不知道偏了没？～～

nbta03UID: 2326371

The fundation(foundation) of a global university, intuitively speaking, is a quite good idea-if we neglect the intention of it and the problem we might encounter when carry the plan out. In fact, the so-called social problems is never a straightforward issue. Whether from 没写完?观点还没有看到啊

  Admittedly, a global university can bring many benefits, either from one's intellectual development or from the communication between nations. For example, by exchanging the ideas on how people from different nations solve a problem, such communication can spark new ideas. What's more, the understanding of different cultural background will help contribute to a probability of a world with less war and conflicts. If, for example, the students from Korea and the USA are studying together, it will certainly provide a way to lessen the tension between the two nations. 大学所可能带来的益处
  However, how much the effect of it, we might wonder, can help us solve the persistent social problem? To get this answer, firstly we should have a clear understanding about our social problems.Unlike math puzzle (+in) which intelligence is highly involved and few people have ideas , the difficulty of social problem lies in that every body can easily have a (own) point of view on it and together, no agreement can be reached on it-no matter in morality or politics. For example, the controversial issue of abortion, it is not that we can not find a way of solving it-honestly speaking the solution is simply 'yes or no'-but that no universal consensus can be achieved. Some people, if brought up in certain religious atmosphere, would strongly protest it, while, others from(with/holding) the practical view might consider such cruel deeds as certainty. Either from these two vies would be supported by large quantity of people, thus we have no way to get it down. If we turn our eyes to the realms of politics, the conclusion is similar. The conflicts between the Northern Korea and the USA, in views(the view) of either of them, the other side is totally wrong. Unless we managed to change ideas of the majority of one side, there will always be conflict. The conflicts between morality and utility, the problem between peace and war, issues like these are called persistent social problems not because they are 'hard' to solve, but that they are 'hard' to make every one agree. 社会问题的复杂性
   Social problems, because of its characters described above, have rare to do with efforts and the intelligence of a particular individual, for what really in high demand is the agreement of the mass. In the examples we cited above, no matter how smart or correct a person is on some social problems. If he really wants to solve it he must make the critcal(critical) mass nod their heads. In the issue of abortion, he must talk those many who hold an opposite view to change their ideas. Otherwise even if what he stated is correct, no one believes him and hence his suggestion can not be carried out. In the matter of war and peace, it is extremely true: few people's endeavor can hardly shake the governments' beliefs on it, especially it is related with fundamental of a country. 要解决问题就要使大多数人同意
Unluckily, what the university can provide us is mostly the intellectual part, rather than a critical majority of individuals that can decide a social problem. In the second paragraph we have already that a successful school of this kind can give us a well-developed mind, the ability of thinking deeply, and the tolerance to accept different cultures. Moreover, it can help build ties of friendship between particular people from countries at war with each other. However, these part, are more of what we have talked the abilities of particular individuals. According to the conclusion we have drawn in the paragraph above, it这里的it最好能写清楚 has little effect in social problems where the agreements of the majority is needed. Therefore, the effectiveness of the university is in doubt 得出大学的作用值得怀疑，感觉可以和上一段合并

In sum, although the suggestion of global university seems sound, but if we have a deep understanding on how the characters of social problems and which part can best decide and solve these problems, we can clearly find that this university has works not that effective. Therefore, if our intention is to solve those persistent problems, it is unwise to expect much from a global university.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

首先赞提纲, 结构很漂亮, 这样的提纲有拿6分的潜力


TOPIC: ISSUE11 - "All nations should help support the development of a global university designed to engage students in the process of solving the world's most persistent social problems."
WORDS: 619          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2007-8-1 21:50:36

The fundation of a global university, intuitively speaking, is a quit good idea-if we neglect the intention of it(这个表达的意思太笼统, 建立它的意向? 还是它的意向? 这个不正是它存在的意义么?忽视这个如何能说它还有好处?) and the problem we might encounter when carry the plan out. In fact, the so-called social problems is never a straightforward issue. From its characters we would find university like this can not function as is intended. (那么你对于它到底是支持还是反对呢? 有好处, 又不能充分发挥功能, 光凭散布在段内的信息点是不能推测你对此ISSUE的正面回应的, 段末最好要有明确的中心句. thus/therefore, in my view, such a solution could be unfeasible and useless, while its advantages can be largely counterbalanced by its negative feature and influence, leading us to seek better scenarios for university establishment.)

  Admittedly, a global university can bring many benefits, either from one's intellectual development or from the communication between nations.(个人方向有些多余, 你这里是让步段, 不可能花太多功夫, 其功能在于正面肯定题目的信息, 而题目中提到的solving the world's most persistent problems, 和个人没有直接关系, 你要说的话就会多几个逻辑环节出来, 浪费篇幅和时间, 得不偿失.) For example, by exchanging the ideas on how people from different nations solve a problem, such communication can spark new ideas.(how? 如此笼统没有说服力也没有信息量, 什么问题? 什么主意? 怎么spark? 你这个不能算example, 只能算对题目的解释, example要具体事例, 细节) What's more, the understanding of different cultural background will help contribute to a probability of a world with less war and conflicts. If, for example, the students from Korea and the USA are studying together, it will certainly provide a way to lessen the tension between the two nations.(还是缺细节, 你这俩国家套谁都可以, 问题是怎么provide? 怎么lessen? 而且要对应到题目观点, social problems)

(作为让步段而言论证面太具体, 导致文章看起来不深入, 其实是这个行文结构需要进一步发展的. 应该把表达更泛化简洁些, 比如用it can be easily deduced that a effective global university can help solve many global problems, such as global warming, regional conflicts, terrorists, by gathering their participating countries' intellectuals to make their cooperate, exchange ideas and draw somehow reasonable solutions. 另外注意在让步结尾要开始转入下一段, 强化结构, 比如说明这种effect的局限性, 等等)

  However, how much the effect of it(how effectively it), we might wonder, can help us solve the persistent social problem? To get a clear understanding about this we should firstly know what is a social problem?(这个你在后文并没有给出答案) What the character is it? And then what is needed to solve a social problem?Finally by checking the part that an international school can play in this part(it) we would know the answer.

   Firstly,(这种表示并列的引导词不符合你的行文结构, 不推荐, 建议改成fundamentally) we should have a clear understanding about our social problems.Unlike math puzzle which intelligence is highly involved and few people have ideas, the difficulty of social problem lies in that every body can easily have a point of view on it and together, no agreement can be reached on it-no matter in morality or politics. For example, the controversial issue of abortion, it is not that we can not find a way of solving it-honestly speaking the solution is simply 'yes or no'-but that no universal consensus can be achieved. Some people, if brought up in certain religious atmosphere, would strongly protest it, while, others from the practical view might consider such cruel deeds as certainty. Thus we have no way to get it down. If we turn our eyes to the realms of politics, the conclusion is similar. The conflicts between the Northern Korea and the USA, in views of either of them, the other side is totally wrong. Unless we managed to change ideas of the majority of one side, there will always be conflict. The conflicts between morality and utility, the problem between peace and war, issues like these are called persistent social problems not because they are 'hard' to solve, but that they are 'hard' to make every one agree.(为什么老韩国和美国 |||| 这俩的矛盾很小, 干嘛不写逊尼和什叶, 巴基斯坦和印度, 巴勒斯坦和以色列, 俄罗斯和车臣独立分子, 美国和基地, 塔利班和阿富汗政府....

   Secondly,(In this sense) based on its characters, what is important(这个表达很笼统, important缺乏信息量, 用key更合适) in solving persistent social problems? Social problems, because of its characters described above, have rare to do with efforts and the intelligence of a few group of people, for what really in high demand is the agreement of the mass. In the examples we cited above, no matter how smart or correct a person is on some social problems. If he really wants to solve it he must make the critcal mass nod their heads. In the issue of abortion, he must talk those many who hold an opposite view to change their ideas. Otherwise even if what he stated is correct, no one believes him and hence his suggestion can not be carried out. In the matter of war and peace, thsi is extremely true: few people's endeavor can hardly shake the governments' beliefs on it, especially when it is related with fundamental and safety of a country. Therefore, in solving social problem, the most crucial part is to get a universal support that can decide the fierce conflicts.

(这两段的内容有些庞大了, 而且是作为前提论证, 如果后一段的点题不能做到出色的话颇有危险, 因为后一段才是你全文的核心重点, 是要靠这一段说明问题的, 所以建议压缩下, 比如去掉一个例子)

  Unluckily(转折太生硬, 改成回到主题之类的话, now back to the global university--how can it help solve such mass-involved social problems?), what the university can provide us is mostly the intellectual ability of a few individuals, rather than a critical majority of people that can decide a social problem. In the second paragraph we have already discussed that a successful school of this kind can give us a well-developed mind, the ability of thinking deeply, and the tolerance to accept different cultures. Moreover, it can help build ties of friendship between particular people from countries at war with each other. (作为让步太多, 而且表达很沉冗, previously mentioned advantages do have positive influences on them, by giving out possible accesses and suggestions for governors, authorities, who can place them directly on the problems.) However, these part, are more of what we have talked the abilities of particular individuals. Compared with the population of a society, the students of this university is only a small part of it. According to the conclusion we have drawn in the paragraph above, it has little effect in social problems where the agreements of the majority is needed. Therefore, the effectiveness of the university is in doubt.(看完以后一阵失落, 这段没有解决问题, 只是车轱辘话又说了一遍, 文章的重心存在严重的偏颇! 为什么个人意志不能解决问题? 既然这样提到的好处跟解决社会问题不是没有关系了? 这样你的让步段不就是跑题了? 个人联系集体, 然后指出全球大学的局限性, 因为已经让步了它的好处, 别人可以反驳你说即使直接没多少作用但还是可以给出可行的解决方案供权力机构参考的. 此时想要废掉这个解决方案可以 1 说明它得不偿失 2 说明它不可行 3 说明有比它更好的解决方案. 对于1可以说全球大学投资巨大而且很多功夫花到培养学生上这些收效是不可预见的因为学生们未必会去解决那些问题, 有时候大学容易成为学术孤岛, 它们对社会的作用太间接. 2可以说全球大学很难建立因为国家意识形态相差太多, 所有学校都来支持它不可能, 3可以说建立一个政府政策研究机构或者顾问团更有效, 专家比学生直接, 而直接作用于权力机关显然比学术孤岛有效, 联系到你之前的论证, 就是权力机关是决定和表达大众意志的关键, 靠它们的引导和组织社会问题才能被解决, 而不是靠学校. 一个很严重的问题是你这段基本没有就"大学"这个词来展开讨论, 教育的特点, 其作用的不可见性以及组织的难度都可以说, 事实上你这篇文章等于在反驳所有国际性研究机构, 严格来讲是跑题了.)


In sum, although the suggestion of global university seems sound, but if we have a deep understanding on how the characters of social problems and which part can best decide and solve these problems, we can clearly find that this university has works not that effective. Therefore, if our intention is to solve those persistent problems, it is unwise to expect much from a global university.

总评:
越难的结构越容易出彩, 反之亦然. 你的选题角度很难写, 如果写好将是篇很出色的文章, 可惜的是关键的一段内容不足没有完成这个剑走偏锋的最重要一步, 使得文章的论证没有点到题, 究其原因, 可能是在前四段花下太多功夫, 最后疲惫加时间限制已经无法完成致命一击, 因此建议对文章的前面部分进行精简, 并向你所讨论的方向压缩内容, 使之更有针对性.

具体论证上有些地方总是不太到位, 对于例证的解释需要增加内容.

语言看着修饰成份过重, 显得做作, 可以再简练客观一些.