夜空的习作修改合集

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

夜 空 的 习 作 修 改 合 集
         —————坛子虽小，气氛好！

蒙牛MM的=板油习作修改合集=开了个很好的头，虽然来IELTS版混的时间还不长，但是回头看看，也改了有些篇数了，虽然比起forbeck的20篇还有差距。今晚整理一下做成这个合集，一来回顾一下自己的工作以供后边的朋友参考，二来也希望能够将鸭版已经开展起来的作文互改活动继续下去！这里不得不提几个人：
forbeck----辛勤的作文修改者，每次帮我修改之后，都觉得受益匪浅，督促我不断的提高！:handshake
67兄----一个非常热心的朋友，虽然偶而喜欢灌灌水 ;d: ，但是，你要找他帮忙，绝对不会落空滴！
future兄----不远千里来到我们鸭版，加入我们的作文互改大军，考过GRE的他拥有非常深厚的AW写作功底，他的意见总是很深刻，提出的问题对提高语言和逻辑两个方面都很有帮助！:cool:
djconan----呵呵，她刚刚才考完，虽然口语比较郁闷，但是希望她能调整过来，也许是她对自己要求太高了，还有，雅思只是出过路上的第一个坎，以后要做的事情还多呢！当然，也希望你考完之后不要忘了这里，有时间了还能多来这里，灌灌水，改改作文，虽然我知道你以后应该比较忙！ :)
啦啦啦小妹----呵呵，同样很热心也很有意思的一个MM，喜欢熬夜，最近写作坚持的很好，你的成绩我们能看到呢！还有，几乎我的每篇作文她都帮我很认真的改过，在这里谢谢你！:handshake 你和我考试的时间差不多，我们一起加油！:)
kimomo----也算是很认真的一个同学，不过刚开始几天发了几篇习作之后，再就不见了。。。
Capric----呵呵，帮我改过几篇作文，这几天也很少出现，快开学了，大家都开始忙了吧？:confused:

当然，最后不能忘了我们的H-Kevin版主，雅思版现在如火如荼的”大好局面“很大程度上要归功于HK同志的管理有方啊，呵呵（先夸几句，这位可是掌管评精华，加分大权的呢！ ;d: ）还记得刚来这里，印象比较深的就是，HK对于版内的大事小事反应很迅速，不管是加分还是删帖，呵呵，看得出来你很有责任心，不过，现在只是万里长征第一步，以后的路还长着呢，也希望我们一起努力，让这里成为所有雅友的一个家园！:victory:

几个链接：
1.forbeck的鸭子版作文修改铺  菠萝的Task2友情修改铺  （需要请人修改自己作文的朋友可以去这里留链接，有热心板油会帮你改！:)）
2.菠萝的IELTS版优秀习作收集贴（看到好的习作可以去这里推荐哦！）
3.IELTS高分作文精读帖（分析了一些网上能找到的优秀作文，已经有7篇了）

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-29 01:51 编辑 ]

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=722092&page=1#pid1770718619
Topic：Popular event like the football World Cup and other international sporting ocasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patrotic emotions in a safe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

http://freelazya.spaces.live.com/
To some extent, international sporting occasions receives world-wide attention by most countries of people because of their popularity and accessibility. Some people hold the opinion that these events could certainly ease the tensions among countries and appease people's patriotic feelings, while others thought they effect little towards political issues and people's mind. As far as I'm concerned, I'd like to side with the former one.

From the 24th Bangkok Universiade in Thailand to the forthcoming Beijing Olympics in 2008, increasing sporting events emerged in recent years. People from various countries with diversified cultures combined with the local ones, which strengthened mutual understandings towards each country and enriched people's spiritual life. Therefore, "sino-France year" and "sino-Rissia year" occured. In addition, merchants from other countries would deeply investigate the markets of the host countries and target at the demanded products to enforce the mutual benefits' increasing.

Besides, the main stream of the world trend is peace, no matter for the government administratives or the folk people. The current situation is a mixture of development of international globalization and integration. Though twists and waves hold back the rapid forwarding processing, the 9.11 Terrorism Attack in America and Iraq War, for instance, which indeed aroused a section of people's anger and exultation for a certain period, people would turn back to be rational and objective after the frequent sports events and higher offical visits between countries with the correct and sagacious decision and temperate attitude. In 1971, a hand-shaking melted the 30-year-long iceberg between China and U.S. And prosperous business trades carried out since then, which also worked on alleviating people's hositile attitude of both countries. Till now, America has been one of the major import and export trading partners of China.

To sum up, international sporting events play a significant role in world peace as well as the economic development. Inernational intensions easing could be treated well by frequent communications folkly and officially, and patrotic spirits thus can be expressed in an acceptable way.

To some extent, international sporting occasions receives（receive） world-wide attention by most countries of people（似改为most people of different countries比较妥当） because of their popularity and accessibility. Some people hold the opinion that these events could certainly ease the tensions among countries and appease people's patriotic feelings, while others thought they effect little towards political issues and people's mind. As far as I'm concerned, I'd like to side with the former one.

From the 24th Bangkok Universiade in Thailand to the forthcoming Beijing Olympics in 2008, increasing sporting events emerged in recent years. People from various countries with diversified cultures combined with the local ones, which strengthened mutual understandings towards each country and enriched people's spiritual life. Therefore, "sino-France year" and "sino-Russsia year" occured.（好像和前边的陈述关系不大？） In addition, merchants from other countries would deeply investigate the markets of the host countries and target at the demanded products to enforce the mutual benefits' increasing.

Besides, the main stream of the world trend is peace, no matter for the government administratives or the folk people. The current situation is a mixture of development of international globalization and integration. （这句似可去掉，因为你后边所举的例子是逆peace之潮流，而非globalization）Though twists and waves hold back the rapid forwarding processing, the 9.11 Terrorism Attack in America and Iraq War, for instance, which indeed aroused a section of people's anger and exultation for a certain period, people would turn back to be rational and objective after the frequent sports events and higher offical visits between countries with the correct and sagacious decision and temperate attitude. In 1971, a hand-shaking melted the 30-year-long iceberg between China and U.S（这句写的很好，但是似乎应该点明其与sport之间的关系，所以后边可加上一句： this is so called "ping-pong diplomacy". ）And prosperous business trades carried out since then, which also worked on alleviating people's hositile attitude of both countries. Till now, America has been one of the major import and export trading partners of China.

To sum up, international sporting events play a significant role in world peace as well as the economic development. Inernational intensions easing could be treated well by frequent communications folkly and officially, and patrotic spirits thus can be expressed in an acceptable way.

总的来说，看的出来你是花功夫了，写的不错，赞一个！

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2007-8-29 00:05 编辑 ]

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=723699&page=1#pid1770734206
还记得你这篇的题目吗？《作文想得7分的请进来》。。。就这样被你骗进去了~呵呵
Topic：Sending criminals to prison is not the effective method to deal with them. Education and job training should be used instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It can not be denied that there are an increasing number of people commit crimes when we entered the 21st century. In order to lead them onto the right path, a certain amount of criminals were sent to prison. In my opinion, this method sometimes is a little undue.

It is admitted that it is truism to say that put those who behave badly into prison. First of all, it is in the prison that could penalize them by making them do hard work or even sentencing them to death if it was a really serious crime. Secondly, only by putting them in prison can they realize how serious their misbehaviors were and even know what the results would be if they continue to do it. In addition, the purpose of building up the prison is not only for punishing culprits but also for educating those who are inclined to perpetrate a crime. For instance, if a teenager wants to steal money from a middle-aged woman, he may stop his misconducts after he saw those criminals being sent to prison.

However, some of the drawbacks of this method should not be overlooked. It is clear that the purpose of casting them into prison is to educate them and point them to the right direction. However, if we put every offender, no matter how old he/she is, into that small dark stuffy room, we may get the opposite result. Those young children who have not yet developed their value of world could not judge what is right or wrong. Thus they may be misled by others. Furthermore, some of the punishments are too severe for them to bear. A seven-year-old girl could not endure equally physical labor that an adult does. Thus, a better education or job training could help them reform.

In conclusion, it is true that putting criminals into prison is a good way to punish them, but it is doubtfully the best solution, especially to those juvenile delinquents. Therefore, the best solution, if there is one, is to combine these two methods together to deal with it and apply proper one to it at an appropriate time.

It can not be denied that there are an increasing number of people commit crimes when we entered the 21st century.（Why？在使用类似"it can not be denied that"这种语气的句子的时候，一定要注意自己所陈述的是否真的“can not be denied”，虽说IELTS重语言不重逻辑，不过能自圆其说岂不更好？） In order to lead them onto the right path, a certain amount of criminals were sent to prison. In my opinion, this method sometimes is a little undue.

It is admitted that it is truism to say that put those who behave badly into prison. First of all, it is in the prison that could penalize them by making them do hard work or even sentencing them to death if it was a really serious crime. Secondly, only by putting them in prison can they realize(make them realize) how serious their misbehaviors(misbehaviours) were and even know what the results would be if they continue to do it. In addition, the purpose of building up the prison is not only for punishing culprits but also for educating those who are inclined to perpetrate a crime. For instance, if a teenager wants to steal money from a middle-aged woman, he may stop his misconducts after he saw those criminals being sent to prison.

However, some of the drawbacks of this method should not be overlooked. It is clear that the purpose of casting them into prison is to educate them and point them to the right direction. However, if we put every offender, no matter how old he/she is, into that small dark stuffy room, we may get the opposite result. (这里最好举几个例子)Those young children who have not yet developed their value of world could not judge what is right or wrong. Thus they may be misled by others. Furthermore, some of the punishments are too severe for them to bear. A seven-year-old girl（seventeen-years-old??） could not endure equally physical labor(labour) that an adult does. Thus, a better education or job training could help them reform.

In conclusion, it is true that putting criminals into prison is a good way to punish them, but it is doubtfully the best solution, especially to those juvenile delinquents. Therefore, the best solution, if there is one, is to combine these two methods together to deal with it and apply proper one to it at an appropriate time.

总的感觉，选的例子不是很好，语句似乎也不太通顺，可以再花点时间改进。

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=727255&page=1#pid1770776357
Topic：The rising levels of congesition and air pollution found in most of the world’s cities can be attributed directly to the rapidly increasing number of private cars in use. In order to reverse this decline in the quality of life in cities, attempts must be made to encourage people to use their cars less and public transport more.
Discuss possible ways to encourage the use of public transport.

There is no denying the fact that the traffic congestion and air pollution are extremely serious problems to most cities, which should be taken strong measures to deal with by the government. But on account of the rapid development of the economy, there is(is or are?) growing number of private cars, and these problems tend to be much worsen. In my opinion, the proper solution is to encourage the use of public transport.

The first way to encourage the use of public transport is to make the use of private cars more inconvenient in city. It is obvious that parking fees and limit area for parking conduce to this measure. Provided that parking cost highly and there is no place to park, a large number of people will like to choose the buses or trains. In addition, the tolls of motorways and elevated road, which are beneficial to decrease the number of private cars, have been use in many cities.

Furthermore, the reason that so many people would not like to use the public transport is its dirty and always crowded with a large number of passengers. The better way to encourage people use it is to change the condition of the public transport. For instance, we can make the bus more comfortable and convenient. Also we can increase the number of times of the buses every day in order to make people take buses on whatever time they want. Thus, it will attract more passengers.

To summarize, from my point of view, if less people use the private cars, not only more efficient the public transport will be, but also the air pollution will decrease. So we ought to take into account the public transport and encourage increasingly people to use it.

There is no denying the fact（觉得有些多余了） that the traffic congestion and air pollution are extremely serious problems to most cities, which should be taken strong measures to deal with by the government. But on account of the rapid development of the economy, there is(is or are?) growing number of private cars, and these problems tend to be much worsen. In my opinion, the proper solution is to encourage the use of public transport.

The first way to encourage the use of public transport is to make the use of private cars more inconvenient in city. It is obvious that parking fees and limit area for parking conduce to this measure. Provided that parking cost highly and there is no place to park, a large number of people will like to choose the buses or trains. In addition, the tolls of motorways and elevated road, which are beneficial（helpful ?） to decrease the number of private cars, have been used in many cities.

Furthermore, the reason that so many people would not like to（应该试着变化一些用词，表示喜欢和倾向的词语有很多啊，譬如prefer to ） use the public transport is its dirty and always crowded with a large number of passengers. The better way to encourage people use（encourage sb. to do sth.） it is to change(changing) the condition of the public transport. For instance, we can make the bus more comfortable and convenient. Also we can increase the number of times of the buses every day in order to make people take buses(make sb. doing sth.) on whatever time(whenever) they want. Thus, it will attract more passengers.

To summarize, from my point of view, if less people use the private cars, not only more efficient the public transport will be, but also the air pollution will decrease. So we ought to take into account the public transport and encourage increasingly people to use it.

好好加油！注意一下自己常犯哪些错误，另外多看看范文，很多错误其实在写完之后花几分钟时间都可以检查出来。

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=727403&extra=&page=1
Topic：What are the reasons for losing a variety of languages and cultures? Give some solutions to solve the problem.

It can not be denied that minority languages and cultures are dying out as we entered the epoch of globalization. In fact, this trend may bring some disadvantages of different culture identity. To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it.

First and foremost, it is the economic globalization that makes it possible for all the people to use only one common language to communicate, and even to make them identify others’ culture. In addition, when two completely different cultures meet at the first time, the one in inferior situation would probably be in the danger of extinction. Lastly, people who speak minor language could not pay enough attention to their language and culture. Instead, they inclined to speak more international one, which, they thought, is a kind of fashion.

From the three reasons I mentioned above, I would like to suggest some solutions to them. First of all, the government of those nations with minor languages should take some measures to enhance the awareness of protecting their own language and culture, which, otherwise, would potentially endanger national identity. Secondly, it is the non-governmental organization’s responsibility that provides some lectures to show the importance of their own language and how to protect their culture. Thirdly, all walks of society should help each other to preserve their culture.

As a proud citizen of our colorful global village, I do agree that there are irresistible benefits in having a common language. However, as each language and culture plays an essential role in diversity of the world, it is high time that we protected them.

It can not be denied that minority languages and cultures are dying out as we entered the epoch of globalization. In fact, this trend may bring some disadvantages of different culture identity(这句你想说什么呢？culture identity的意思是文化身份，按照你的句子理解，“将带来文化身份的缺点”？). To get a sense of how this phenomenon emerged, we must turn first to the causes to it. First and foremost, it is the economic globalization that makes it possible for all the people to use only one common language to communicate, and even to make them identify others’ culture. In addition, when two completely different cultures meet at the first time, the one in inferior situation would probably be in the danger of extinction. Lastly, people who speak minor language could not pay enough attention to their language and culture. （why？）Instead, they inclined to speak more international one, which, they thought, is a kind of fashion. From the three reasons I mentioned above, I would like to suggest some solutions to them. First of all, the government of those nations with minor languages should take some measures to enhance the awareness of protecting their own language and culture, which, otherwise, would potentially endanger national identity(这句是对的，可以这么用). Secondly, it is the non-governmental organization’s responsibility that provides some lectures to show the importance of their own language and how to protect their culture. Thirdly, all walks of society(刚查了一下，确实是社会各个阶层的意思，不错！~:) ) should help each other to preserve their cultures. As a proud citizen of our colorful global village, I do agree that there are irresistible benefits in having a common language. However, as each language and culture plays an essential role in forming （我觉得这里加个forming比较好）diversity of the world, it is high time that we protected them. 问题算是说清楚了，在句式上也能看得出来你是下功夫了，错误暂时只能帮你改到这些，要注意单复数！:)

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=728651&page=1#pid1770787518
Topic：Some people believe that students who want to attend colleges or universities after graduation from high school should spend one year taking a job to gain work experience or traveling to enlarge their vision. You should use specific reasons to state the advantage and disadvantages of this practice.

As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is suppose to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized that our society only provide a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.

After weighing all the pros and cons, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking（to 后加动词原型吧？） one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is suppose（supposed） to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It is good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which(what) had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized（这里为什么要用被动语态呢？） that our society only provide a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.（这句不错！）

After weighing all the pros and cons（好句子！）, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable（？）and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

1.整篇作文写的还不错，词汇和句式都比较丰富，论证也比较充分
2.需要注意的一些地方是，动词时态和语态，感觉你这篇的中式英语味道还是太浓了，有时间多看看范文，积累一些比较地道的表达。

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=728749&page=1#pid1770787621
Topic：Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes. It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

The contraversial issue, population control taken by some countries’ administratives, prompt the world’s attention upon reducing the birth rate deliberately hence resulting in low population growth. Tax disincentives are even used to punish large families with more than one child. Those measures, in my opinion, are relatively feasible and sustainable under certain circumstances.

The best known population-control policy, introduce by Chinese government in 1979, is “one-child policy”, which means permitting only one child per family. Though many overseas newspapers or periodicals criticized it as a brutal act at that time, it has been proved to be an effective way to decrease the fast growing population nationwide, at least retard it in a moderate speed.

Depending too much on self-control is another tough story. People who live in rural areas are found especially difficult to adminstrate, so family planning becomes a firm hand in dealing with these troubles. As the earth is turning into a hungered planet, there should be a public awareness about the population control instead of birth indulgement.

To sum up, population control has been proved to be successful according to the datas shown in government’s report, and it should be affiliated with other useful methods to work together to cope with population-related problems.

The contraversial issue, population control taken by some countries’ administratives, prompt the world’s attention upon reducing the birth rate deliberately hence resulting in low population growth rate.（减少出生率和低人口增长似乎区别不大，或许你后边可以说缓解了人口问题的压力） Tax disincentives are even used to punish large families with more than one child. Those measures, in my opinion, are relatively feasible and sustainable under certain circumstances.

The best（太绝对了，换成最有效的比较好吧，most effective） known population-control policy, introduced by Chinese government in 1979, is “one-child policy”, which means permitting only one child per family. Though many overseas newspapers or periodicals criticized it as a brutal act at that time, it has been proved to be an effective way to decrease the fast growing population nationwide, at least retard it in a moderate speed.（不错，思路挺清晰的！）

Depending too much on self-control is another tough story. People who live in rural areas are found especially difficult to be adminstrated, so family planning becomes a firm hand in dealing with these troubles. As the earth is turning into a hungered planet, there should be a public awareness about the population control instead of birth indulgement.

To sum up, population control has been proved to be successful according to the datas shown in government’s report, and it should be affiliated with other useful methods to work together to cope with population-related problems.

1.字数好像差的比较多，需要注意一下，很明显的~
2.另外，第一段和第二段你都是在分析背景和采取措施的效果，第三段说了一下农村实行人口政策的难度，但是，最关键的问题，也就是实行人口政策的利与弊，你却加以回避了，感觉论证上不够严密。
3.值得鼓励的是，感觉全文流畅性很好，句子与句子之间的衔接和句式的变化都做的比较好！

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=728977&page=1#pid1770790079
Topic：Will modern technology ,such as the internet ever replace the book or written word as the main source of information ?

The 21th century is well known as an era of information explosion. With the development of science and hig-tech ,computers and internet are unbelievably increasingly more popular in our daily life .At this point ,some people hold the view that internet will replace the books .I am an opponent of this point of view. Basically, as far as I concern ,books have vital status than can hardly be substituted by internet .

Someone consider that books are so expensive whilst the cost of internet is low. Internet is able to give us vivid and colorful information that we can download from some website with free of charge .This may be true . However, when we see a second time about this view ,we may find they are oversimplifying the situation. As we all know, it is illegal to download and copy large amounts of information from internet which offends other’s right. The electrical resources are easly to photocopy, thus ,it is harmful to the transmission of knowledge .

While books are convenient to take away. You can read a book at anywhere you would like to read, whether on the bus or in the subway ,even if you sitting on the grassland. By contrast, you have to stay in front of the computer if you choose the internet as the main information resources.
On the other hand ,you can make a note at the margin of the book while you are reading when some ideas suddenly strike your brain. The combination of vision and writing is a positive method to study. On the contrary, it is not convenient to do this with a computer .

We can not ignore the popularity of computer it cause amounts of benefit and provide convenience to us. However, to a large extent ,it would be impossible that the internet will supersede books in the coming future.

The 21th century is well known as an era of information explosion. With the development of science and hig-tech ,computers and internet are unbelievably increasingly more popular in our daily life .At this point ,some people hold the view that internet will replace the books .I am an opponent of this point of view. Basically（这个basically显得有些多余，有点中式英语的味道~）, as far as I concern ,books have vital status than（that？） can hardly be substituted by internet .

Someone considers that books are so expensive whilst the cost of internet is low. Internet is able to give us vivid and colorful information that we can download from some website with free of charge .This may be true . However, when we see a second time about this view ,we may find they are oversimplifying the situation. As we all know, it is illegal to download and copy large amounts of information from internet which offends other’s right. The electrical resources are easly to photocopy, thus ,it is harmful to the transmission of knowledge .

While books are convenient to take away. You can read a book at anywhere you would like to read, whether on the bus or in the subway ,even if you（有点多余了，去掉吧~） sitting on the grassland. By contrast, you have to stay in front of the computer if you choose the internet as the main information resources.

On the other hand ,you can make a note at the margin of the book while you are reading when some ideas suddenly strike your brain. The combination of vision and writing is a positive method to study. On the contrary, it is not convenient to do this with a computer .

We can not ignore the popularity of computer since it cause amounts of benefit and provide convenience to us. However, to a large extent ,it would be impossible that the internet will supersede books in the coming future.

写的挺好，基本的语法错误和拼写错误控制的比较好，论证思路上也很清晰！
建议加强一下句式的变化和词汇，还是那句老话，多看看优秀范文，多用些地道的表达，尽量避免中式英语的出现。

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=729296&page=1#pid1770792782
Topic: Some people say that the Internet is making the world smaller by bringing people together. To what extent do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate with one another?

On account of the rapid development of the science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly by the appearance of the internet, which made the communication between people easily and much cheaper.

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends. In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go to another country by plane.

Furthermore, the internet has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computer. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send and receive E-mail whenever the want.

However, no invention has received more praise and abuse than internet. Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted to the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger. Morever the internet crime is more and more serious at recent years. People should not fail to take into account these problems.
To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it make the communication easily, but also make the world become smaller and smaller.

On account of the rapid development of the（去掉了~） science and technology, we are walking to the Information Age. Our daily life has been changed greatly by（这里用since比较好吧，因为你前边用了have完成时） the appearance of the internet, which made（make） the communication between people easily and much cheaper.

In the first place, the internet is regarded as the cheapest tool of communication, compared with telephone, mobile phone（连着两个phone的例子，换一个吧，fax,mail都行啊？） and so on. The telling example is that we just need to spend a little fees to use the MSN to chat with our friends.（这句有点啰唆，改成to chat with friends by MSN） In addition to that, as for some transnational corporations, with the help of the internet, business men can have a meeting in their own office, and needn’t to go to another country by plane.（呵呵，还是觉得有点啰唆，直接用needn't to travel abroad.就好了啊~）

Furthermore, the inter（汗~你想说互联网的意思吧？但最好不要这么写http://dict.cn/search/?q=inter） has made it possible for people to communicate with their family members no matter where and when. Increasing number of people have their own computer. Therefore, it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also send and receive（sending and reveiving，因为你前边用了chantting，时态要对应） E-mail whenever they want.

However, no invention has received more praise and abuse（abuse作名词应该是滥用和恶习的意思吧？这里用criticsm吧~） than internet. Many experts point out that a considerable number of people are addicted（这里不需要被动） to the internet, playing games or chatting with stranger（这里用两个动名词和前边的关系好像不太紧密吧？要么就直接用动词原型，和addict并列，要么就在前边加个such as，表示网络上瘾的例子。）. Morever the internet crime is more and more serious at（in） recent years. People should not fail to take into account these problems.

To summarize, it is indisputable that the internet is helpful to our modern life as long as we use it correctly. Not only does it makes the communication easily, but also makes the world become smaller and smaller.（上一段刚刚批评完互联网，最后一段突然就说互联网多好，显得太突兀了，建议在前边写一句：虽然互联网带给我们很多问题，正确的做法应该是面对这些问题并且加以解决，而不是简单的放弃使用互联网。这样比较自然一些。要不然你这么些容易给考官留下你是在硬掰的印象！）

这篇给你的批评挺多的，希望你不要受打击啊，呵呵
最近你坚持的也挺好的，进度很大，尤其给我印象深的就是思路比一开始要开阔多了，例证也很丰富。
需要注意的就是，有时候注意调整一下句式的结构，你脑子里想的肯定是汉语，然后写出来肯定也是汉语的顺序，这也是我现在最头疼的一个问题，大家一起努力改进！：）
对了，发现你特喜欢用not only...but also这个句型，呵呵，像这句：it is extremely convenient not only chatting in the internet but also sending and receiving E-mail whenever they want.我觉得你完全没有必要用not only..but also这种结构啊，直接说 it is extremely convenient that chat and mail in the net.就可以了啊？当然不是说不能用，我觉得一篇作文短短两三百字，用一次就行了。

capricUID: 2331822

Capric----呵呵，帮我改过几篇作文，这几天也很少出现，快开学了，大家都开始忙了吧？

不是开学，是休假结束，继续投入新一轮工作战斗中去。。。

这两天涣散的很，看到如火如荼的修改工作以及forbeck，futureman，gipsy兄，其他坛子里的兄弟姐妹，以及你所做的努力，甚感欣慰：）(我晕，这句怎么这么老气横秋)

其实你有很多好的习惯供大家学习，比如列提纲、大量的细读精品范文，等等，皆是我们学习的优良品质。。。

[ 本帖最后由 capric 于 2007-8-29 06:51 编辑 ]

H-KevinUID: 2182070

这种强贴我是一定要过来的~~~~~~~ :o

夜空同学应该是我们版上作文互改的发起者之一了，特别是夜空同学的几个关于作文的文章，水平非常高，印象最深的就是-- IELTS高分作文精读帖--难得一见的好帖子， 给大家提供了另外一种学习作文的方式

而且，夜空同学也是坚持写作时间最长的人了，大家在毅力方面也要向夜空同学学习下 ;)

先祝福夜空能在ielts考试中取得傲人的成绩吧~~ :)

futuremanUID: 2327059

紧跟斑竹脚步 哈哈
HK把赞美的话都说完了...
我就祝愿天空同学考出完美的成绩吧~~
这么优秀的板油去哪里找呵 记得考完向大家汇报
你米问题的 加油啊~~~

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

呵呵~~提到我，开心~
想你学习修改和坚持~~~~~~
我们一起努力努力努力努力~~~~:handshake ~~
夜空几号考啊？我是9。22
这几天懒了~作文都没写~今天要补上一篇:loveliness:

forbeckUID: 2297645

我正在和hk密谋让夜空写一篇心情感悟——怎么就有这种毅力坚持下来呢:loveliness: :handshake

太佩服了~~
受刺激了，开学后，一定认真复习:o

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=730261&page=1#pid1770801264、
Topic：Nowadays, the quality of education is very low. Some people think that we should encourage our students to evaluate and criticize their teachers; others believe that this would result in a loss of respect and discipline in the classroom.
Discuss.

Nowadays, the quality of education is very low. Some people think that we should encourage our students to evaluate and criticize their teachers; others believe that this would result in a loss of respect and discipline in the classroom.
Discuss.
Nowadays, there is an increasing discussion on whether students should be encouraged to give feedback concerning about their teachers. As is known to us, the purpose of education is to cultivate excellent students. Therefore, students’ opinions play an essential role in teaching and studying.
For starters, students will be provided more chances to communicate with teachers under the scheme of evaluation. In China, it is always the case that what the students carry out is to follow the teachers’ instruction. There is little space for children to develop their ideas. This situation will lead to some bad effects. For example, some students who can’t catch up with other classmates may reluctant to speak out their needs for help, because they only have to do what they are told to. Therefore, I believe the feedback from students will enclose the relationship between students and teachers.
Furthermore, teachers will also gain some valueable information from students, which will improve their teaching skill as well as knowledge background. They are possible to explore other teaching methods to upgrade students’ academic achievement.
Moreover, school will benefit from this scheme as well. Nowadays, the competition between schools is more fierce than before. The scheme of evaluation which not only meets the students’ need but also improves teachers’ teaching level will have an influential impact on the quality of education. Hence, high reputation will be awarded to these schools.
Although there are numerous advantages , we can not deny the fact that there are some drawbacks. Some students may tend to show disrepect to teachers or disobey the rules of class. However, I hold the opinion that if students get a clear perspective to be a remarkable students in school, it is likely that they would like to coordinate with the evaluation.
All in all, I agree with the evaluation of teachers, because it brings about more advantages than adversities. I suggest that it should be introduced widespread.

Nowadays, there is an increasing discussion on whether students should be encouraged to give feedback concerning about their teachers.[这句写的很好！] As is known to us, the purpose of education is to cultivate excellent students. Therefore, students’ opinions play an essential role in teaching and studying.[不错，一开始就摆明自己的观点！]

For starters, students will be provided more chances to communicate with teachers under the scheme of evaluation. In China, it is always the case that what the students carry out is to follow the teachers’ instruction. There is little space for children to develop their ideas. This situation will lead to some bad[bad这个词意思太宽泛了，在这里用表示”负面”的词，譬如negative,或adverse比较好些。] effects. For example, some students who can’t catch up with other classmates may reluctant to speak out their needs for help, because they only have to do what they are told to. Therefore, I believe the feedback from students will enclose the relationship between students and teachers.

Furthermore, teachers will also gain some valueable information from students, which will improve their teaching skill as well as knowledge background. They are possible to explore other teaching methods to upgrade students’ academic achievement.

Moreover, school will benefit from this scheme as well. Nowadays, the competition between schools is more fierce than before. The scheme of evaluation which not only meets the students’ need but also improves teachers’ teaching level will have an influential impact on the quality of education. Hence, high reputation will be awarded to these schools.[这里我觉得你与其说应该表扬这些学校以间接的表达你的态度，还不如直接说“因此，更显得这一措施的重要性”更好一些，写作的时候时刻记得呼应自己的主题。]

Although there are numerous advantages , we can not deny the fact that there are some drawbacks. Some students may tend to show disrepect to teachers or disobey the rules of class.[你在文章最后提到了这个drawback进行让步论证以突出你的论点是客观的，这一方法没错。但是，这个drawback的解决办法你却没有提及，这很危险，你不能保证考官一定认同你的观点，所以，我建议如果要让步论证的话，还是专门用一段来写，并且必须写出这个drawback为啥不是那么重要。] However, I hold the opinion that if students get a clear perspective to be a remarkable students in school, it is likely that they would like to coordinate with the evaluation. [很显然，这个办法太主观了，不可能解决你所提出的那个drawback，你前边写的都很好，但是在这里会失分的。]
All in all, I agree with the evaluation of teachers, because it brings about more advantages than adversities. I suggest that it should be introduced widespread.

总的来说，很不错的一篇task2作文！
思路很清晰，文笔也不错，基本的语法错误也控制的比较好！暂时只能帮你改到这些了！
加油！