作文一篇，大家给批一下~~

鱼丸子UID: 2388561

I think the best thing of your writing is you have a strong sense of expressive ability, but a little problem of logicality. Emphases should be put on reasons of choosing community you choosed, but too much information about dorm.

That's my suggestion, hope you don't mind..

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising..

futuremanUID: 2327059

105. Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. They may choose to live in university dormitories, or they may choose to live in apartments in the community. Compare the advantages of living in university housing with the advantages of living in an apartment in the community. Where would you prefer to live? Give reasons for your preference.

Once we enter the university, we should choose the place we live in between the university dormitories and the apartments in the community. Each of them have several advantages for us to select. However, I definitely prefer the latter one, because I will have more freedom when I live in the apartments than in dormitories, even though the dormitories have some merits that the apartments do not have.[这样的开头很赞，观点和支持的理由都有说明，只是上考场写会不会很花时间？]

As for the claim that living in the dormitories will bring us many conveniences, we already have sufficient empirical evidence. First, there is shorter distance between the universities dormitories and classroom than that between apartments to the classroom. So we could save more time that spent on the way. Second, dormitories almost need little[less] money for rent that [than] the apartments do. To the students majority of which do not have the earning, the dormitories would be the best choice.[这句写的别扭啊, it would be the best choice to students who do not have much earning.] Third, dormitories have the stiffness regulation rule[stiff regulation, rule就是regulation，重复], and usually have a gatekeeper, so that [which ] will keep us in the regular living rhythm, and give us a [去掉a，要复习the, a , 泛指特指的使用！]much more safety living environment.[去掉living environment, 或者give living environment much more safety.]

However, the apartments which are always outside universities could also bring some merits that dormitories can not provide. For example, if we want to cook the meal by ourselves, the dormitories would not support our cook activity; even they do not have kitchens. In fact, not all the students in the universities like the meal rendered by the universities cafe. And everyone in the apartments could decorate their personal room based on their preference. Even someone paint his room wall with different colors, he would receive no punishment for his behavior which is often banned in the universities dormitories at all.[写了两个支持的理由，应该用信号词作一点指引]

I prefer to live in the apartment because I will have more freedom, like no restriction for the time of gatekeeper switch off the electricity and the time I should finish my party. In China, almost all the universities dormitories do not provide electricity after 12 o'clock PM. Under that situation, how can I read books or use my computer at that time? So, in the apartment, I will decide whether to switch off electricity by myself. Moreover, I have the chance to hold the party through whole night, and do not need to worry about the blame and punishment form[from] the dormitories keeper.

In sum, while the university dormitories have cheaper price and shorter distance to classroom than apartments have, the apartments are like[inclined] to provide more freedom to students. The students who like the merits that different living environment has could choose it based on the personal requirement. However, the apartments would give me more convenience in the university life.[however后面就没必要说了，你都支持一个了，没有必要再罗罗嗦嗦把另一个好处再说说]

字数写的好多，不知道是不是限时写出来的，全文的逻辑结构还是不错的，比较清晰。问题在于语言像是从中文直译过来的，没有考虑英语的语法和用词，比如第四段like no restriction for the time of gatekeeper switch off the electricity，是不是应该用定于从句呢，建议你不要把中文提纲写太详细，从而不顾英文的语法结构就直接拿过来写。仔细参考范文，要纠正语法问题，加油~

forbeckUID: 2297645

Once we enter the university, we should choose the place we live in between the university dormitories and the apartments in the community. Each of them have several advantages for us to select. However, I definitely prefer the latter one, because I will have more freedom when I live in the apartments than in dormitories, even though the dormitories have some merits that the apartments do not have.这个开头开门见山，很好，坚持这种写法就好：）

As for the claim that living in the dormitories will bring us many conveniences, we already have sufficient empirical evidence. First, there is shorter distance between the universities dormitories and classroom than that between apartments to the classroom. So we could save more time that spent on the way. Second, dormitories almost need little（less） money for rent that(than) the apartments do. To the students, majority of which do not have the earning, the dormitories would be the best choice. Third, dormitories have the stiffness regulation rule(这个重复了，在价格复数？), and usually have a gatekeeper, so that will keep us in the regular living rhythm, and（重复，用as well as也行）  give us a（泛指，不用加a /the） much more safety living environment.

However, the apartments which are always outside universities could also bring some merits that dormitories can not provide. For example, if we want to cook the meal by ourselves, the dormitories would not support our cook activity; even they do not have kitchens. In fact, not all the students in the universities like the meal rendered by the universities cafe. （加上一个过渡词分开两个例子，这样文章比较流畅）And everyone in the apartments could decorate their personal room based on their preference. Even someone paint his room wall with different colors, he would receive no punishment for his behavior which is often banned in the universities dormitories at all.

I prefer to live in the apartment because I will have more freedom, like no restriction for the time of gatekeeper switch off the electricity and the time I should finish my party. In China, almost all the universities dormitories do not provide electricity after 12 o'clock PM. Under that situation, how can I read books or use my computer at that time? So（这里该换上一个转折词）, in the apartment, I will decide whether to switch off electricity by myself. Moreover, I have the chance to hold the party through whole night, and do not need to worry about the blame and punishment form（from） the dormitories keeper.

In sum, while the university dormitories have cheaper(lower) price and shorter distance to classroom than apartments have, the apartments are like to provide more freedom to students. The students who like the merits that different living environment has could choose it based on the personal requirement. However, the apartments would give me more convenience in the university life.（最后一段只要重申自己的观点，不用再加上评论性的语言了）

建议：
1、开门见山的写法很好，继续坚持，有一个适合自己的好开头很重要哦
2、思路很清晰，但有些长句的确有中文的痕迹
3、针对你在楼上的回帖，建议不要写中文提纲，脑子里带一个草稿就够了，要不考场上会来不及的；还有字数，250-260是最好的

[ 本帖最后由 forbeck 于 2007-9-26 20:37 编辑 ]