issue136 第一次求拍 可留链互拍

alvinccUID: 2311017

TOPIC: ISSUE136 - "The absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare."
WORDS: 524        TIME: 00:50:00          DATE: 2007-11-26 16:58:25

I fundamentally agree with the speaker's standpoint that the absence of choices is almost nonexistent. The circumstances regarded as "absence of choices" by some people are actually a embodiment of people's dissatisfaction to those feasible choices always not desirable.

To begin with, admittedly, people's alternatives of choices is limited and often appear to be not enough. In such a current society featured with the justice and harmony, people are confined by the constraints and limitations set by the government and various groups and institutions. The legal system and its severe punishment to the lawbreakers and criminals play a essential role in keeping the social stability and to force people to behave themselves. Besides, every field has its own regulations and limitations to its members. Under such a general circumstance, people's choices are fundamentally limited to adapt to these laws and regulations.

However, although people's choices are based on a variety of regulations, their alternatives can hardly be absent in the current society with democracy and pluralism, which provide plenty of chances for people with different identities. For people with different ambitions and interests, a diversity of courses are offered to students with different majors and interests. In addition, all kinds of people with abilities are needed for companies and enterprises providing a grand platform for people with talent and faculty to demonstrate their power. For people with different social status, they all can find their own life style suitable for themselves. It is unnecessary for successful or wealthy people to worry about how to spend their money in such a society with material prosperities and those poverty-stricken people or unemployed people are able to choose to purchase the practical merchandise with reasonably low prices and can expect to get welfare benefits and unemployment compensations from the government to ensure their basic living standard.

Finally, every person, whoever he or she is, is confronted several choices every day, whether they are extremely significant or inconsequential. The life is actually a process of making choices ceaselessly and as long as one is alive he or she has to make choices, although sometimes they are depressing and discouraging. Therefore, the circumstances of "absence of choices" are actually nonexistent. The so-called "absence of choice" is actually a indication that people are unwilling to accept the undesirable outcome they never imagined and decline to choose another path with more tribulations. For instance, many job hunters who can hardly find jobs just confine themselves with their majors or their prospective paying standards and often neglect the works that might provide more space of development but require the employees to study and then master more comprehensive knowledge with relatively low paying initially.

In sum, based on my reasoning and analysis above, The choices are available for anyone living in the society. one can always find the right path if he or she knows how to change their initial thinking and to make a lower goal when necessary. Finally but the most important, no matter how tough the conditions are, one can at least choose to accept the failure even a fiasco calmly and endeavor to pursue the next incoming success.

第一次发帖求拍 AW准备时间不长 感觉写的很烂 语言不行 论证也没什么深度...
希望热心的朋友帮忙改改 改过的朋友可以留下链接互改...



[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-12-14 11:21 编辑 ]

alvinccUID: 2311017

自己顶一下...

alvinccUID: 2311017

顶...没人看吗

alvinccUID: 2311017

up

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

I fundamentally agree with the speaker's standpoint that the absence of choices is almost nonexistent. The circumstances regarded as "absence of choices" by some people are actually a embodiment of people's dissatisfaction to(with) those feasible choices  always not desirable(concerned as not desirable, 不加动词的话这个句子就有了两个形容词, 这个短语的成分不明).

(开头很清楚明确, 值得鼓励)

To begin with, admittedly, people's alternatives of choices is limited and often appear to be not enough. In such a current society featured with the justice and harmony, people are confined by the constraints and limitations set by the government and various groups and institutions. The legal system and its severe punishment to the lawbreakers and criminals play a essential role in keeping the social stability and to force people to behave themselves. Besides, every field has its own regulations and limitations to its members. Under such a general circumstance, people's choices are fundamentally limited to adapt to these laws and regulations.(全段都在介绍背景, 基本就是有关law, regulation的车轱辘话来回说, 这些背景跟choice有什么关系? 跟你的论点又有什么关系? 这段在文章中找不到存在的理由, 让步显得没什么意义. 你要说明的是没有选择是假象因为人们对一些选项不满意, 那么选择有限的原因应该跟这个相关, 至于法律和规则这种, 要跟它联系上的话就得说明, 比如有些desirable的选项因为不符合法律和他人利益被排除了)

However, although people's choices are based on a variety of regulations, their alternatives can hardly be absent in the current society with democracy and pluralism, which provide plenty of chances for people with different identities(两个红词没有context, 下文直接转到说学生选课程了, 跟民主和多元论有什么关系?). For people with different ambitions and interests, a diversity of courses are offered to students with different majors and interests. In addition(In addition有递进的意思, 这里只是并列而已), all kinds of people with abilities are needed for companies and enterprises providing a grand platform for people with talent and faculty to demonstrate their power. For people with different social status, they all can find their own life style suitable for themselves(学习, 工作, 生活? 三个句子的句势差了很多已经看不出排比的意思, 后面一句则接的更没有整体感). It is unnecessary for successful or wealthy people to worry about how to spend their money in such a society with material prosperities and those poverty-stricken people or unemployed people are able to choose to purchase the practical merchandise with reasonably low prices and can expect to get welfare benefits and unemployment compensations from the government to ensure their basic living standard.(这么长的句子一个标点也没有能写出来也不容易....穷人富人切成两个句子好了)

(这段跟前一段没有建立起关系, 除了开头提了个a variety of regulations以外就没说其它的了, 这些舞台都合法的? 在公司制度下的展示机会? 两个关键词--用来解释这种选择情况根源的democracy and pluralism--没有得到细节化的说明, 罗列现象就显得很没有根据)

Finally, every person, whoever he or she is, is confronted several choices every day, whether they are extremely significant or inconsequential.(又是跟前一段没有逻辑关系的分论点, 如果是要强调从大尺度选择到小尺度选择的话, 应该以并列的口吻来讨论这两种情况, 单纯的finally说明不了问题) The life is actually a process of making choices ceaselessly and as long as one is alive he or she has to make choices, although sometimes they are depressing and discouraging. Therefore, the circumstances of "absence of choices" are actually nonexistent.(不断的做选择=没有无选择的时候? 逻辑不成立 即使一直在做选择, 也会面临没有选择的时候, 就象人一直在呼吸, 但也会遇到缺氧而短暂憋气的时候, 除非在任何一个时间层面上我们都在做选择, 而因为时间是连续的, 所以我们每天的选择次数是基于我们时间维度的无限多次....当然这是不可能的...) The so-called "absence of choice" is actually a indication that people are unwilling to accept the undesirable outcome they never imagined and decline to choose another path with more tribulations. For instance, many job hunters who can hardly find jobs just confine themselves with their majors or their prospective paying standards and often neglect the works that might provide more space of development but require the employees to study and then master more comprehensive knowledge with relatively low paying initially.(这里终于谈到了文章中心句所说的问题, 但不完全列举在缺乏抽象概括的时候总是显得没有说服力, 全文中你最有用的一句话就是这句划线的话, 以它为中心展开一段显得很重要)

In sum, based on my reasoning and analysis above, The choices are available for anyone living in the society. one can always find the right path if he or she knows how to change their initial thinking and to make a lower goal when necessary. Finally but the most important, no matter how tough the conditions are, one can at least choose to accept the failure even a fiasco calmly and endeavor to pursue the next incoming success.

总评:
结构上的问题比较突出, 首段和第四段象同一篇文章的, 第二段和第三段象另外一篇文章的, 两者讨论的出发点完全不同, 前者是哲学思辨角度, 后者是社会角度, 两者缺乏联系.
我想更合适的思路应该是:
提出论点->社会限制了一些选择, 所以我们总是面临有限的选项->即使在有限的选择中, 我们总还是有不同的选项可以选->那些觉得没的选的人只是要求太多了->严格来讲, 不存在无选择的情况
这样能串出一条比较清楚的逻辑线, 而首段的表述限制也比较多,可以修改下.

陈星君UID: 2416582

您好!
     能得到您的指导,我深感荣幸!:handshake

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3.https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=776340&extra=page%3D2

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6.https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=775772&extra=page%3D1

我是不是太贪了???
希望您能理解我的心情!您就漫漫受用吧------:handshake

alvinccUID: 2311017

多谢版主认真修改！ 分析的很有道理啊。。。受教了。。。

分论点不好想啊。。其实我也想每段之间都能有逻辑联系的。。。

而且很多话又凑字数的嫌疑。。。还有很多要学的啊


最后再次感谢～～ 另外汗一下您的新签名。。。