Argument147 【0806G desperado小组】第一次作业by铅华落尽

hdofrucUID: 2434623

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

Outline:
主要逻辑错误：1、调查的针对人群年龄段没有指明，而后文营销对象重点为10－25岁，两者之间可能存在偏差。
2、调查的地域范围没有指明，不同地区差异可能导致不同的营销结果
3、即使前面两者都契合，那么逼真画面所要求的高配置电脑却可能成为一些人特别是经济能力不佳的青少年的阻碍，也就是想买的未必是能买的
4、WW之前销量下降的本质原因没有阐述，可能是主题、刺激性、费用等一系列问题，不仅仅是画面逼真不逼真的问题，技术不是游戏畅销的唯一要素

Text：
Citing an undefined survey and certain ambiguous evidence about who will buy the games, the author concludes here that by advertising the lifelike video-game could lead to a dramatically change on the sales trend. However, the author deduces it on some unproven assumption and is therefore not so convincible.
First of all, the author maybe wrongly assumes that people at the age of 10-25 are most likely to play video-games which are not supported by the given survey. Without combining this relation to the conclusion it is had to tell that 10-25 years old people will by the video-game.
Even assuming that 10-25 is most suitable age to play video-games, the survey doesn’t tell the area it base on, which means that the outcome that video-games players love lifelike graphics, which require the high quality computers, may be not suitable where the Whirlwind video-games are sold, because of the culture difference and others.
Nor can the author deduces that who want most to play with the video-games are those most likely to buy them, because high quality computers means they are expensive for some certain range of people like teenage who can not afford much expense as they don’t earn money by their own and sometimes their parents might prevent them from playing video-games if they are not considered to be suitable to their children.
Finally, even assuming that all doubt above have been solved, there is still one big problem remains X factor that what are the in-depth causes result in the decline trend of Whirlwind video-games recently. What we should concern about is whether there are other reasons like theme properness, interest issue, expense, distribution and so on, rather than the technical aspect and their face looking. If the theme of the former video-games are so unhealthy, as too aggressive or violent which goes beyond the mental limit of society and the moral, that the public voice can not endure, the sales of such video-games are definitely not popular and the profit descend.
To sum up, the argument relies on certain assumptions which might in fact not proper for supporting this conclusion, as well as some unknown matters. To strengthen the argument, the author should find some more evidence about who likes video-games most and who can really afford the expense caused both by the video-games themselves and the extra payout due to hardware updating. And also, the author should have found the proper survey exactly related to their video-games and sales to see what they need to attract more people to buy. Still, the author has to seriously concern about why the sales decline recently and what they can do in the future not just dealing with it from a technical aspect.

绿松石UID: 2427549

Citing an undefined survey and certain ambiguous evidence about who will buy the games, the author concludes here that by advertising the lifelike video-game could lead to a dramatically change on the sales trend. However, the author deduces it on some unproven assumption and is therefore not so convincible.

First of all, the author maybe wrongly assumes that people at the age of 10-25 are most likely to play video-games which are not supported by the given survey. Without combining this relation to the conclusion it is had to tell that 10-25 years old people will by the video-game.（这段还可以多写电，或者与下面的一段合并）

Even assuming that 10-25 is most suitable age to play video-games, the survey doesn’t tell the area it base on, which means that the outcome that video-games players love lifelike graphics, which require the high quality computers, may be not suitable where the Whirlwind video-games are sold, because of the culture difference and others.

Nor can the author deduces that who want most to play with the video-games are those most likely to buy them, because high quality computers means they are expensive for some certain range of people like teenage who can not afford much expense as they don’t earn money by their own and sometimes their parents might prevent them from playing video-games if they are not considered to be suitable to their children.

Finally, even assuming that all doubt above have been solved, there is still one big problem remains （我觉得到remain你的意思就已经达到了，后面的xfactor是什么？长句子我没看懂，要不然分两句讲把）X factor that what are the in-depth causes result in the decline trend of Whirlwind video-games recently. What we should concern about is whether there are other reasons like theme properness, interest issue, expense, distribution and so on, rather than the technical aspect and their face looking. If the theme of the former video-games are so unhealthy, as too aggressive or violent which goes beyond the mental limit of society and the moral, that the public voice can not endure, the sales of such video-games are definitely not popular and the profit descend. （层层递进用的很好）

To sum up, the argument relies on certain assumptions which might in fact not proper for supporting this conclusion, as well as some unknown matters. To strengthen the argument, the author should find some more evidence about who likes video-games most and who can really afford the expense caused both by the video-games themselves and the extra payout due to hardware updating. And also, the author should have found the proper survey exactly related to their video-games and sales to see what they need to attract more people to buy. Still, the author has to seriously concern about why the sales decline recently and what they can do in the future not just dealing with it from a technical aspect.
逻辑很好～不过论证1，2段都是survey类问题，鉴于你第一段内容比较少，我觉得可以合成一段，这样就是ets最推荐的短内层次了还有一个老问题，你的长句子有时候表达不是很清楚，很绕