ISSUE48【Aero小组】第2次作业

wellwillUID: 2238480

The speaker asserts that we should not put undue emphasis on individuals in the study of history because it is the oblivious groups of infamous people rather than the famous minority that create the most significant events and trends in history. I concede that those people whose identities have long been forgotten undeniably contribute to the evolution of humankind and society which constitute the principal contents of history. On the other hand I disagree the saying that the famous individuals have no contribution to the significant events and trends in history.

In modern time, with the sound progress acquired in science and technology which bring immense change to our life and society, more and more great projects are implemented by a large number of workers, superintends and experts among whom there are numerous commonplace and unknown people. The figures of these people can be seen everywhere and their trace can be followed in diversified careers. Unfortunately they are vulnerable to be forgotten by public and don’t receive the reputation and the approbation they should have deserved as high as the celebrities do. No their blood, sweat and all the toil efforts, no their soul and self-sacrifice, of course no development gained in society, economy, science and culture. Their endurance and persistence reflect the spirit of contemporary history. They also influence the trends in history. Only a prestigious leader starts a revolution or demonstration but no these ordinary people respond to and participate in, no trend would be formed and led in history. In short, they play an indispensable role in the construction of society and the progress human strife for in history. And it will be beneficial to help us understand the history in all aspects through the study of the groups of these people.

However we should not go to another extreme that overemphasize the significance of the groups of people who are unknown but contribute silently. One point should be clarified and stressed that famous individuals play an important part as well in history. In my opinion, they even contribute more to the most significant events and trends in history than the groups of people whose identities are forgotten. It is them who have a strong feeling of responsibility, irresistible personal charm, high virtue, extraordinary charisma, and eminent competence that are capable of leading a creative trend followed by those ordinary participators in history. Without Nelson Mandela, there would be no independence of South Africa. Without Martin Luther King, there would be no equal rights entitled to a large number of Africa American and they would not be treated as equal as the white. Likewise, a group of people without a leader who is famous for his or her effective decision, resolution and valor is what a group of carriages without a locomotive which provide continuous power, so the people will stray away from the goal and lose direction lacking the ‘fuel’ supplied by the famous leaders. Therefore it is undeniable that the famous have a momentous influence on the history evolution and by studying them we can have a deep comprehension of the profound meanings of the most significant events and trends in history.

Consequently, we should not deny the value of either of the two groups-the famous few and the unknown-in history. The optimum approach in my view is to contrive a balanced way connect the famous individuals with the group of people whose identities cannot be identified in the study of history.

感觉写的有点乱 我的第一个TS 实在找不到例子（例子积累太少了 汗！）重复挺多而且差点跑题 我把the study of history 给忘了 后来又扯了两句……希望大家猛拍！ 使劲拍 ！千万甭客气 我这篇我看着都垃圾 呵呵
还有两个星期就期末考试了 看着周围同学都在抓紧复习 小弟我却在奋力敲作文被竟视为怪胎 无奈地处西北啊……我也要抓紧复习了 下星期不能不能交上作业不好说了啊

tonyyoreUID: 2317273

The speaker asserts that we should not put undue emphasis onindividuals in the study of history because it is the oblivious(oblivious不是这么用的，sb is oblivious to sth, 某人没有意识到/忘记了某事/某物) groupsof infamous people rather than the famous minority that create the mostsignificant events and trends in history. I concede that those peoplewhose identities have long been forgotten undeniably contribute(要用过去时，毕竟讨论的是古代的人和事) to theevolution of humankind and society which constitute the principalcontents of history. On the other hand I disagree the saying that thefamous individuals have no contribution to the significant events andtrends in history.

In modern time, with the sound progress acquired in science andtechnology which bring immense change to our life and society, more andmore great projects are implemented by a large number of workers,superintends and experts among whom there are numerous commonplace(这个从句的修饰表达了什么意思呢？) andunknown people. The figures of these people can be seen everywhere andtheir trace can be followed in diversified careers. Unfortunately theyare vulnerable to be forgotten by public and don’t receive thereputation and the approbation they should have deserved (are deserved) as high as thecelebrities do. No their blood, sweat and all the toil efforts, notheir soul and self-sacrifice, of course no development gained insociety, economy, science and culture(感觉这个no..,no...,no...的句型有点不太自然). Their endurance and persistencereflect the spirit of contemporary history. (缺少连接词)They also influence thetrends in history. Only a prestigious leader starts a revolution ordemonstration but no (without) these ordinary people respond to and participatein (people's responses and participations), no trend would be formed and led in history. In short, they play anindispensable role in the construction of society and the progresshuman strife for in history. And it will be beneficial to help usunderstand the history in all aspects through the study of the groupsof these people.

However we should not go to another extreme (走另一个极端这样表达会不会有些chinglish啊，应该是err in another direction吧) that overemphasize thesignificance of the groups of people who are unknown(用从句显得实在是赘余，直接形容词+名词就足够了) but contributesilently. One point should be clarified and stressed that famousindividuals play an important part as well(as important as well?) in history. In my opinion,(作文当中不应出现这类短语)they even contribute more to the most significant events and trends inhistory than the groups of people whose identities are forgotten. It isthem who have a strong feeling of responsibility, irresistible personalcharm, high virtue, extraordinary charisma, and eminent competence thatare capable of leading a creative trend followed by those ordinaryparticipators in history.(很赞的句子，但是时态还是应该用过去时) Without Nelson Mandela, there would be noindependence of South Africa. Without Martin Luther King, there wouldbe no equal rights entitled to a large number of Africa American andthey would not be treated as equal as the white. Likewise, a group ofpeople without a leader who is famous for his or her effectivedecision, resolution and valor is what a group of carriages without alocomotive which provide continuous power, so the people will strayaway from the goal and lose direction lacking the ‘fuel’ supplied bythe famous leaders.(比喻很恰当) Therefore it is undeniable that the famous have amomentous influence on the history evolution and by studying them wecan have a deep comprehension of the profound meanings of the mostsignificant events and trends in history. 这一段的论述很精彩

Consequently, we should not deny the value of either of the twogroups-the famous few and the unknown-in history. The optimum approachin my view is to contrive a balanced way connect the famous individualswith the group of people whose identities cannot be identified in thestudy of history. （匆匆收尾感觉很突兀，而且前面的论述其实还可以继续下去的，比如说提出一下建议等等。而且结尾的内容有些笼统，与前文风格对照的不是很好。）

lovemxfUID: 2335206

The speaker asserts that we should not put undue emphasis on individuals in the study of history because it is the oblivious groups of infamous people rather than the famous minority that create the most significant events and trends in history. I concede that those people whose identities have long been forgotten undeniably contribute to the evolution（development我觉得发展更好一些） of humankind and society（觉得这两个词在一起有点不是统一个概念，人类和社会不是同义词） which constitutes the principal contents of history. On the other hand I disagree the saying that the famous individuals have no contribution to the significant events and trends in history. （我觉得你的这句话最好这样： However, I disagree the saying that the famous individuals have no contribution to the significant events and trends in history.）
(没有主题句，这是致命的错误，也就是不知道你要论证什么论点，一定要把主题句放在第一句，然后才是原因和论据。)In modern time, with the sound progress acquired in science and technology which bring immense change to our life and society, more and more great projects are implemented by a large number of workers, superintends and experts among whom there are numerous commonplace and unknown people. The figures of these people can be seen everywhere and their trace can be followed in diversified careers. Unfortunately they are vulnerable to be forgotten by public and don’t receive the reputation and the approbation they should have deserved as high as the celebrities do. No their blood, sweat and all the toil efforts, no their soul and self-sacrifice, of course no development gained in society, economy, science and culture. Their endurance and persistence reflect the spirit of contemporary history. They also influence the trends in history. （这是论点吗？好像只是一个过度句但是也没有连词啊！）Only a prestigious leader starts a revolution or demonstration but no these ordinary people respond to and participate in, no trend would be formed and led in history. In short, they play an indispensable role in the construction of society and the progress human strife for in history. And it will be beneficial to help us understand the history in all aspects through the study of the groups of these people.（这段问题很多，1没有论点论证直接举例，2 你的举例是正反论证两个方面但是中间没有任何过度和正反论证的衔接句。关于正反论证你可以听一听修锐的issue.他的论证结构讲到了正反论证）

However we should not go to another extreme that overemphasize the significance of the groups of people who are unknown but contribute silently. One point should be clarified and stressed that famous individuals play an important part as well in history. In my opinion, they even contribute more to the most significant events and trends in history than the groups of people whose identities are forgotten.（和上一句话自相矛盾，也和你的观点自相矛盾。你是平衡观点这句却在说谁比谁重要）It is them who have a strong feeling of responsibility, irresistible personal charm, high virtue, extraordinary charisma, and eminent competence that are capable of leading a creative trend followed by those ordinary participators in history. Without Nelson Mandela, there would be no independence of South Africa. Without Martin Luther King, there would be no equal rights entitled to a large number of Africa American and they would not be treated as equal as the white. （后半句多余）Likewise, a group of people without a leader who is famous for his or her effective decision, resolution and valor is what a group of carriages without a locomotive which provide continuous power,（觉得有点乱不是很通） so the people will stray away from the goal and lose direction lacking the ‘fuel’ supplied by the famous leaders. Therefore it is undeniable that the famous have a momentous influence on the history evolution and by studying them we can have a deep comprehension of the profound meanings of the most significant events and trends in history.

Consequently, we should not deny the value of either of the two groups-the famous few and the unknown-in history. The optimum approach in my view is to contrive a balanced way connect the famous individuals with the group of people whose identities cannot be identified in the study of history.

问题1是论证有问题
2 你的语言有点晦涩难懂，很多词我都是用金山才看懂的。也许是我的词汇量不够吧。

wellwillUID: 2238480

谢了 看来论证上还是要下功夫的 我上过xdf的，当时我还没接触过aw，回去后也是按着修锐的方法来，不过后来看北美范文才发现issue是很灵活的，修锐也不止一次提到，我觉得I不像A那么有套路，所谓修锐的方法是使你能很快上手，以后的问题全靠个人修炼了，我个人觉得我用词上不算晦涩吧 都是一些gre作文必备词汇，北美范文上有的那才叫难懂
不过能使我看到自己的不足还是很感谢的！