[Aero作文小组第四次作业] Argument 26

saavedroUID: 2423190

题目：ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
字数：521          用时：00:46:32          日期：2008-1-1 16:30:49
  In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Steel City High School won three regional band awards during past several years based on which he assumes that Mr. Schade who is a music director that worked at Steel City High School. Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that facilities and instruments about music rehearsal in Steel City High School almost ameliorated obviously over past five years. Hence the author draws the conclusion that in order to improve level of music skills, Saluda School should employ Mr. schade direct the general music education programs in the future.
  Firstly, assuming that Mr. Schade as a eminent director for music education program was attributable to Steel City High School acquired three regional band competitions. The author might ignore the possibility that honor owner-Steel City High School had nothing to do with Mr. Charles Schade's music teaching ability, it is entirely possible that other teacher or preeminent professor in this school also have serve to promote the ability of music performance and finally won the three competitions in local district. Or perhaps, Mr. Charles Schade only a common director as play a role of assistant in school that after all concentrate work of logistic provision for music education. In short, lacking evidence that Mr. Schade was a significant factor that leading to Steel City High School for competitive a authentic band award, the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that won competitions of Steel City High School should contributed to Mr. Schade's genuine ability or even his skill for music education and performance.
  Secondly, most of improved school music rehearsal facilities of music performance and musical instruments were not necessarily indicates that Mr. Schade's credit. Lacking such evidence that ameliorated course of action of facilities and instruments all have deal with by Mr. Schade, perhaps school headmaster also once advocate such those adjustment, but considering economic ability at that moment, so that still not take it to come true. Without ruling out other possible reasons that rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have conducted by Mr. Schade, the author’s claim is wholly unpersuasive.
  Finally, the mere fact that Mr. Schade as a director at Steel City High School has served to attain high level of music education is scant evidence that Saluda School also should hire Mr Schade by following Steel City High School's "eminent" education plan. Perhaps some course of action on Saluda School would be ineffective due to discrepancy fundamental education of music background. So the fact that mention above cannot fairly to illustrate Saluda School's plan to success rest on Steel City's paradigm.
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning possible any other reasons that have serve to improve Steel City High School music education. To better evaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding how such those problem of music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments were solved in Saluda School.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2008-1-1 18:33 编辑 ]

m2zhyUID: 2440721

首先，这是限时作文，虽然超时了，也还是赞一个！这么早就限时，值得赞扬阿~:loveliness:


  In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Steel City High School won three regional band awards during past several years based on which(that) he assumes that(去掉) Mr. Schade who is(——) a music director that worked at Steel City High School(—— play an leading role)(感觉这样修改一下，意思更完整些).Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that facilities and instruments about music rehearsal in Steel City High School almost ameliorated obviously over past five years. Hence the author draws the conclusion that in order to improve level of music skills,(这个目的在原题中并没有直接给出，所以觉得这样写欠妥当。) Saluda School should employ Mr. schade direct the general music education programs in the future. (感觉第一段写的不是很精简提炼，对evidence的描述很冗长。)

  Firstly, assuming that (整句没有主语，也没有谓语。分词作状语可以，但单独起一个整句，似乎没有。我理解的应该是：the author assumes that …) Mr. Schade as a eminent director for music education program was attributable to Steel City High School acquired three regional band competitions(本句的因果关系好像搞反了阿~应该是 ‘three regional band competitions’ was attributable to ‘Mr. Schade’ 吧? ). The author might ignore the possibility that honor owner-Steel City High School had nothing to do with Mr. Charles Schade's music teaching ability, it is entirely possible that other teacher or preeminent professor in this school also have served to promote the ability of music performance and finally won the three competitions in local district. Or perhaps, Mr. Charles Schade only a common director as playing a role of assistant in school that after all(just) concentrate work of logistic provision for music education. In short, lacking evidence(此处楼主本来是分词引导了原因状语从句，但鉴于整个句子太长，而有失清晰度，所以建议改为两个单独的句子，再用因果连接词连接即可。evidence is lacking ) that Mr. Schade was a significant factor that leading to (leads) Steel City High School for(to)competitive(compete for) a authentic band award,(.此处句意已完整，可以结束句子了。) Thus，(补充一个连接词连接上下文) the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that won competitions of Steel City High School (the assumpution that Steel City High School won the competitions ) should contributed to Mr. Schade's genuine ability or even his skill for music education and performance.

  Secondly, most of improved school music rehearsal facilities of music performance and musical instruments were not necessarily indicates that Mr. Schade's credit.(感觉不太对劲。改下怎么样？credited to Mr. Schade.)Lacking such evidence that ameliorated course of action of facilities and instruments all have deal with by Mr. Schade,(这句没看懂~ :( ) perhaps school headmaster also once advocated such those(多余) adjustment, but considering economic ability at that moment, so that (he) still (does) not take it to come true. Without ruling out other possible reasons that rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have not(这里的not和前文的‘other possible reasons’对应) conducted by Mr. Schade, the author’s claim is wholly unpersuasive.

  Finally, the mere fact that Mr. Schade as a director at Steel City High School has served to attain high level of music education is scant evidence that Saluda School also should hire Mr. Schade by following Steel City High School's "eminent" education plan. Perhaps some course of action on Saluda School would be ineffective due to discrepancy fundamental education of music background. So the fact that mention above cannot fairly to illustrate Saluda School's plan to success rest on Steel City's paradigm. (这段话的用词比较怪，没看懂楼主要论述的问题。:confused: )

  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning possible any other reasons that have serve to improve Steel City High School music education(support the conclusion that Mr. Schade is competent to be hired. 个人觉得应该是关注Mr. Schade能不能胜任问题，而不是Steel City High Schoold 的音乐教育问题。 ). To better evaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding how such those problem of music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments were solved in Saluda School. (总结段很清晰，不错~)

总评：总体上我读楼主的文章比较费劲，感觉整体行文方式和我有很大的不同，用词用语也差异性比较大。
          内容方面，驳论角度选取的很好，论证的也比较有力度，赞下~



[ 本帖最后由 m2zhy 于 2008-1-4 16:34 编辑 ]

wellwillUID: 2238480

In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Steel City High School won three regional band awards during past several years based on which he assumes (the assumption) that Mr. Schade who is a music director that worked (has been the music director) at Steel City High School. Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that facilities and instruments about music rehearsal (rehearse) in Steel City High School almost ameliorated (词好难啊用improve就行了)obviously over past five years. Hence the author draws the conclusion that in order to improve level of music skills, Saluda School should employ Mr. schade (to) direct the general music education programs in the future.

Firstly, assuming that Mr. Schade as an eminent director for music education program was attributable to Steel City High School acquired three regional band competitions. (１语法错误２因果关系反了)The author might ignore the possibility that honor owner-Steel City High School had nothing to do with Mr. Charles Schade's music teaching ability, it is entirely possible that other teacher or preeminent professor in this school also have serve to promote the ability of music performance and finally won the three competitions in local district. Or perhaps, Mr. Charles Schade only a common director as play a role of assistant in school that after all concentrate work of logistic provision for music education. （没读懂貌似没谓语啊）In short, lacking evidence that Mr. Schade was a significant factor that leading to Steel City High School for competitive　(leading Steel City High School to be competitive for) a authentic band award, the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that won competitions of Steel City High School should contributed to Mr. Schade's genuine ability or even his skill for music education and performance. (句子依然有毛病且因果关系又反)

Secondly, most of improved school music rehearsal (improvement) facilities of music performance and musical instruments were not necessarily indicates that Mr. Schade's credit. (?) Lacking such evidence that ameliorated course of action of facilities and instruments all have deal with by Mr. Schade, (主被动的关系confused me completely!!) perhaps school headmaster also once advocate such those adjustment, but considering economic ability at that moment, so that still not take it to come true. Without ruling out other possible reasons that rehearsal facilities and musical instruments have (been) conducted by Mr. Schade, the author’s claim is wholly unpersuasive.

Finally, the mere fact that Mr. Schade as a director at Steel City High School has served to attain high level of music education is scant evidence that Saluda School also should hire Mr Schade by following Steel City High School's "eminent" education plan. Perhaps some course of action on Saluda School would be ineffective due to discrepancy (in) fundamental education of music background. So the fact that mention (mentioned) above cannot fairly to(删除)illustrate Saluda School's plan to success (succeed) resting on Steel City's paradigm.
  
To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning possible any other reasons that have serve to improve Steel City High School music education. (应该排除这些可能才对吧) To better evaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding how such those problems of music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments were solved in Saluda School.
LZ这篇a论证上比较清晰三个主要逻辑错误点都找到了，论证也还算有力，但不足的是语法错误太多，词汇运用不准确，有些一味追求sentence structure and vocabulary的diversity了。毕竟是限时写能够理解，不过还是建议Lz能多注意一下语言上的提高。一点点拙见~哈哈~~

[ 本帖最后由 wellwill 于 2008-1-5 13:25 编辑 ]