argument26 [Aero作文组]第四次作业

wellwillUID: 2238480

In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda suggests the Saluda school board hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To support the suggestion the arguer quotes the fact that the school band from Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions, along with the improvement in music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments during the past five years when Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School. While these resources cited seem quite reasonable on the surface, in fact they lend far less strong support to this argument.

The first problem with the argument involves that the arguer simply asserts it is Mr. Schade who led the school band from Steel City High School to win the competitions and promote the improvement in the facilities and instruments without providing sufficient evidence to convince it. The arguer may overlook other alternative explanations such as the individual efforts of the members of the band which are more responsible for the victory in the competitions than what Mr. Schade did. It is entirely possible that during the past five years the school band aimed at winning the regional band competitions by training harder themselves. For that matter, regardless of who directed the band, they would succeed ultimately. Or perhaps the school band recruited many excellent members with high quality or potentiality who contributed directly to the band. It is by depending on their genius that the school band won the competitions three times in a short period. Accordingly, the fact that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly cannot be completely attributable to Mr.Schade. He just probably proposed an advice to improve musical instruments and related facilities but the dominant right is in the hands of the school board. If the school board had not approved of the suggestion and not afford to provide financial assistance, there would have been little improvement. Overall, without providing sufficient information and ruling out these and other alternatives, these facts are worthless as the evidence to convince us that Mr. Schade brought great changes to the band at the Steel City School, which helped it to win many honors, let alone to support the arguer’s suggestion.

Even assuming these are all the contributions of Mr.Schade, yet it is unwarranted that the Saluda schools would emulate the achievements of the Steel City School by appointing Mr.Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, for the arguer don’t offer any evidence to prove there are essential similarities such as the approximate same high level of the talents of band students and the well-operated economic condition serving a firm prop, on which the success is based between the two areas. It is widely acknowledged that individual strength of the director in a music band is far insufficient to promise achieving success, instead, which is function of talents and cooperation of all the members of the band. Consequently, for the Saluda school which is likely to have no enough individual competence of the students of the band and cooperation between each other, it is impossible to reach the goal to acquire the same successes of Steel City High School merely resting on the instruction of Mr.Schade. In this case, the advice of the arguer is not effective as it stands.

In conclusion, the argument suffers two primary fallacies one of which is that the arguer cannot establish the convincing causal relationship between the achievements of Steel City High School and contributions of Mr.Schade, the second of which is the false assumption that the two areas share the same fundamental similarities. To support the suggestion strongly, the arguer should provide more comprehensive information about Mr.Schade and the Saluda school and exclude other possible alternatives. Only after the problems mentioned above being solved can we believe the arguer’s suggestion.

m2zhyUID: 2440721

In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda suggests the Saluda school board hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To support the suggestion the arguer quotes the fact that the school band from Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions, along with the improvement in music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments during the past five years when Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School. While these resources cited seem quite reasonable on the surface, in fact they lend far less strong support to this argument. (首段概括的很全面，也很清晰。赞！)

The first problem with the argument involves that the arguer simply asserts it is Mr. Schade who led the school band from Steel City High School to win the competitions and promote the improvement in the facilities and instruments without providing sufficient evidence to convince it. The arguer may overlook other alternative(alternative是二选一,用在这里不太合适) explanations such as the individual efforts of the members of the band which are more responsible for the victory in the competitions than what Mr. Schade did. It is entirely possible that during the past five years the school band aimed at winning the regional band competitions by training harder themselves. For that matter, regardless of who directed the band, they would succeed ultimately. Or perhaps the school band recruited many excellent members with high quality or potentiality who contributed directly to the band. It is by depending on their genius that the school band won the competitions three times in a short period. Accordingly, the fact that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly cannot be completely attributable to Mr.Schade. He just probably proposed an advice to improve musical instruments and related facilities but the dominant right is in the hands of the school board. If the school board had not approved of the suggestion and not afford to provide financial assistance, there would have been little improvement. Overall, without providing sufficient information and ruling out these and other alternatives, these facts are worthless as the evidence to convince us that Mr. Schade brought great changes to the band at the Steel City School, which helped it(?应该是he吧) to win many honors, let alone (and insufficient) to support the arguer’s suggestion.
楼主质疑Mr. Schade 的能力，选取的角度是说学生如何的有能力，这个角度虽然很新颖，也具有一定的道理，但从驳论的力度上来讲不太够。毕竟学生和老师是完全两个位置的人，可参考性并不是很强。如果能选择老师和老师比，那么力度就会大很多的。
另外，楼主在质疑音乐设施提高的问题上，选取的角度不是很好，楼主说即使是Mr. Schade提议了，但得不到学校财政支持也是徒劳，这里同样犯了一个错误，就是把Mr. Schade先生的能力和校领导的权限去比较了，同样不是等价的比较，使得说服力会下降。

Even assuming these are all the contributions of Mr.Schade, yet it is unwarranted that the Saluda schools would emulate the achievements of the Steel City School by appointing Mr.Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system,(建议从这里分开成两句吧。这句太长了哦~) for the arguer don’t offer any evidence to prove there are essential similarities such as the approximate same high level of the talents of band students and the well-operated economic condition (as) serving a firm prop, on which the success is based between the two areas(on which of the two areas the success is based). It is widely acknowledged that individual strength of the director in a music band is far insufficient to promise achieving success, instead, which is function of talents and cooperation of all the members of the band. Consequently, for the Saluda school which is likely to have no enough individual competence of the students of the band and cooperation between each other, it is impossible to reach the goal to acquire the same successes of Steel City High School merely resting on the instruction of Mr.Schade. In this case, the advice of the arguer is not effective as it stands.
这段的前半个论述的十分到位，但到了后半个，就开始论述个人能力和集体的关系了，这个和主题hire一个有能力的人就不太相关了。另外在最后一句中作的假设，不是很符合逻辑，建议不要做这样的假设。如果一定要做的话，建议把be likely 换成if句型，更合适些。

In conclusion, the argument suffers two primary fallacies one of which is that the arguer cannot establish the convincing causal relationship between the achievements of Steel City High School and contributions of Mr.Schade, the second of which is the false assumption that the two areas share the same fundamental similarities. To support the suggestion strongly, the arguer should provide more comprehensive information about Mr.Schade and the Saluda school and exclude other possible alternatives. Only after the problems mentioned above being solved can we believe the arguer’s suggestion. (结尾段，虽然内容我部分不太同意，但文字很精采，值得学习~)

总评：楼主的文字没得说，写的很精彩，很多长句运用的都很自如，赞~
      但从内容上来讲，我觉得楼主对原题的理解好像和我不一样，直接导致我看到楼主的论述时，觉得有点偏题了，也就自然觉得驳论没有力度。
    楼主选取的两个论证角度很不错，但论证的过程中选择的other alternative explanations的角度就不太合适了(另外alternative是二选一，表示其它的多个选择就不太合适了)。


[ 本帖最后由 m2zhy 于 2008-1-4 16:36 编辑 ]

GoldenStrikeUID: 2437012

In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda suggests the Saluda school board hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To support the suggestion the arguer quotes the fact that the school band from Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions, along with the improvement in music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments during the past five years when Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School. While these resources cited seem quite reasonable on the surface, in fact they lend far less strong support to this argument.

The first problem with the argument involves that the arguer simply asserts it is Mr. Schade who led the school band from Steel City High School to win the competitions and promote the improvement in the facilities and instruments without providing sufficient evidence to convince it. The arguer may overlook other alternative explanations such as the individual efforts of the members of the band which are more responsible for the victory in the competitions than what Mr. Schade did. It is entirely possible that during the past five years the school band aimed at winning the regional band competitions by training harder themselves. For that matter, regardless of who directed the band, they would succeed ultimately. Or perhaps the school band recruited many excellent members with high quality or potentiality who contributed directly to the band. It is by depending on their genius that the school band won the competitions three times in a short period. Accordingly,这个连词有点莫名。是不是应该用At the same time之类 the fact that the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly cannot be completely attributable to Mr.Schade. He just probably proposed an advice to improve musical instruments and related facilities but the dominant right is in the hands of the school board. If the school board had not approved of the suggestion and not afford to provide financial assistance, there would have been little improvement. Overall, without providing sufficient information and ruling out these and other alternatives, these facts are worthless as the evidence to convince us that Mr. Schade brought great changes to the band at the Steel City School, which helped it to win many honors, let alone to support the arguer’s suggestion.

Even assuming these are all the contributions of Mr.Schade, yet it is unwarranted that the Saluda schools would emulate the achievements of the Steel City School by appointing Mr.Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system, for the arguer don’t offer any evidence to prove there are essential similarities such as the approximate same high level of the talents of band students and the well-operated economic condition serving a firm prop, on which the success is based between the two areas. 太长了。建议拆开说。我没看懂= =bbIt is widely acknowledged that individual strength of the director in a music band is far insufficient to promise achieving success, instead, which is function of talents and cooperation of all the members of the band. Consequently, for the Saluda school which is likely to have no enough individual competence of the students of the band and cooperation between each other,？？？？ it is impossible to reach the goal to acquire the same successes of Steel City High School merely resting on the instruction of Mr.Schade. In this case, the advice of the arguer is not effective as it stands.

In conclusion, the argument suffers two primary fallacies one of which is that the arguer cannot establish the convincing causal relationship between the achievements of Steel City High School and contributions of Mr.Schade, the second of which is the false assumption that the two areas share the same fundamental similarities. To support the suggestion strongly, the arguer should provide more comprehensive information about Mr.Schade and the Saluda school and exclude other possible alternatives. Only after the problems mentioned above being solved can we believe the arguer’s suggestion. 整体不错，思路很清楚，但是有些表达太绕了。虽然GRE必须要写复杂句，但是也用不着这么复杂吧= =