Argument164 [飞跃dreams小组]第二次作业

纳兰馨儿UID: 2437109

Argument164

Claitown University needs both affordable housing for its students and a way to fund the building of such housing. The best solution to this problem is to commission a famous architect known for experimental and futuristic buildings. It is common knowledge that tourists are willing to pay money to tour some of the architect's buildings, so it can be expected that tourists will want to visit this new building. The income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. Furthermore, such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. And even though such a building will be much larger than our current need for student housing, part of the building can be used as office space.
Words:657


In this argument, the author conclude that a famous architect will help them to construct an attractive students’ housing and result in a fund and housing solution. Yet, close scrutiny on the reasons stated reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.

First of all, the author relies on an unfair assumption that tourists will want to visit this new building. Firstly, the author implies that the architect they want to hire is famous for experimental and futuristic buildings, so whether this architect has the ability to design the housing of the students remains to be doubt. Lacking strong evidence to confirm this hypothesis, there may be unexpected result that the building will finally turn out to be modern and fantastic in its appearance ,but not practical enough to be used as a students dormitory at all. It is common sense that the difference between a experimental room and a bedroom for students  is significant. An apt example is that the former one requires a much broader space for the public and the dormitory is comparably much more private for a limited number of people. Given that the final work can meet the needs of the students ,the speaker still fails to convince me that tourists who would like to visit some of the famous architect’s building will surely be absorbed by a students’ housing. It is true that there are some fans who will visit nearly every work of its idol, but the most attractive thing for a normal visit is the outstanding and special design of an architecture. So without any assurance on the huge success of the building ,I can not agree with the author on the expectation of many visitors only by a name of the architect. Thus, whether tourists will want to visit this new building is open to be doubt.

Another assumption in short of legitimacy is that the income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. There are at least two reasons on this issue. In the first place, can the visiting fees be enough for the  fund of the building of such housing? It is known to all that a school ,unlike a commercial enterprise, whose object is not making money, so it should not charge too much on the visitors. In addition , students, who needs a quiet place for their study, will surely be disturbed by too many visitors. Thus ,without good prize and  enough people ,how can the income come from? Despite the income , the outcome will increase if the building is open to the public. Such as salaries for extra workers , the mending fees on broken articles, the bills for more electric and water, and relative advertisements ,etc. Possibly the outcome will surpass the income and the school will spend more despite of the basic building costs. In this case, the way of fund is far from practical.

Furthermore, given that this building can be useful and successful economically .I t does not mean that such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. The determinative factors of the choice of student are not only a new dormitory and the difference between the origin school and a school with one more building is not significant in the heart of a alumni, who might be more cherished of the old times and the old images. Thus, to attract more students and donations , to construct a new building seems to an unwise decision.

To sum up, this argument is not convincing as it stands. To substantiate it , the author should provide sufficient evidence to prove the effectiveness of the new plan. To better evaluate the argument , a careful calculation on the incomes and the outcomes of the building, a further survey on the attraction of a students’ housing among the visitors should be taken and more consideration is need before decision.

shallinZUID: 2449645

In this argument, the author conclude that a famous architect will help them to construct an attractive students’ housing and result in a fund and housing solution. (感觉好像没说完整result in getting a fund and solving housing) Yet, close scrutiny on the reasons stated reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.
First of all, the author relies on an unfair assumption that tourists will want to visit this new building. Firstly, the author implies that the architect they want to hire is famous for experimental and futuristic buildings, so whether this architect has the ability to design the housing of the students remains to be doubt.Lacking strong evidence to confirm this hypothesis, there may be unexpected result that the building will finally turn out to be modern and fantastic in its appearance, but not practical enough to be used as a student’s dormitory at all. (以上两句都是我没想到的)It is common sense that the difference between an experimental room and a bedroom for students is significant. An apt example is that the former one requires a much broader space for the public and the dormitory is comparably much more private for a limited number of people. Given that the final work can meet the needs of the students, the speaker still fails to convince me that tourists who would like to visit some of the famous architect’s building will surely be absorbed by a students’ housing. It is true that there are some fans who will visit nearly every work of its idol, but the most attractive thing for a normal visit is the outstanding and special design of architecture. (这句话我不明白,好像并不是用来证明你的观点的) So without any assurance on the huge success of the building, I can not agree with the author on the expectation of many visitors only by a name of the architect. Thus, whether tourists will want to visit this new building is open to be doubt. (以上的理由看起来很多,但是论证观点的不多,其中的一些模板句过多,看起来很啰嗦)
Another assumption in short of legitimacy is that the income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. There are at least two reasons on this issue. In the first place, can the visiting fees be enough for the fund of the building of such housing? It is known to all that a school, unlike a commercial enterprise, whose object is not making money, so it should not charge too much on the visitors. In addition, students, who need a quiet place for their study, will surely be disturbed by too many visitors. Thus, without good prize and enough people, how can the income come from? Despite the income, the outcome will increase if the building is open to the public. Such as salaries for extra workers, the mending fees on broken articles, the bills for more electric and water, and relative advertisements, etc. Possibly the outcome will surpass the income and the school will spend more despite of the basic building costs. In this case, the way of fund is far from practical.
Furthermore, given that this building can be useful and successful economically .I t does not mean that such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. The determinative factors of the choice of student are not only a new dormitory and the difference between the origin school and a school with one more building is not significant in the heart of alumni, who might be more cherished of the old times and the old images. (这句话读起来怪怪的,是想说校友可能更倾向于老校舍,而不会给新校舍捐钱吧)但是这也不能说明校友不会给新校舍捐钱吧 Thus, to attract more students and donations, to construct a new building seems to an unwise decision.(这段理由只有两点,而且都不充分)
To sum up, this argument is not convincing as it stands. To substantiate it, the author should provide sufficient evidence to prove the effectiveness of the new plan. To better evaluate the argument, a careful calculation on the incomes and the outcomes of the building, a further survey on the attraction of a students’ housing among the visitors should be taken and more consideration is need before decision.
中间几段的模板句用的过多,几乎一句模板句就对应一个理由,有几点的理由和例证都太少了,不能充分的证明观点.感觉有些地方很啰嗦,有些地方很简洁,
不好意思批的太狠了点

[ 本帖最后由 shallinZ 于 2008-2-2 23:40 编辑 ]

lyokaUID: 2451632

In this argument, the author concludes that a famous architect will help them to construct an attractive students’ housing and result in a fund and housing solution. Yet, close scrutiny on the reasons stated reveals that it lends little credible support to this conclusion.

First of all, the author relies on an unfair assumption that tourists will want to visit this new building. (want 这个将来时很不地道)Firstly, the author implies that the architect they want to hire is famous for experimental and futuristic buildings, so whether this architect has the ability to design the housing of the students remains to be doubt. Lacking strong evidence to confirm this hypothesis, there may be unexpected result that the building will finally turn out to be modern and fantastic in its appearance, but not practical enough to be used as a student dormitory at all. It is common sense that the difference between an experimental room and a bedroom for students is significant. An apt example is that the former one requires a much broader space for the public and the dormitory is comparably much more private for a limited number of people. Given that the final work can meet the needs of the students, the speaker still fails to convince me that tourists who would like to visit some of the famous architect’s building will surely be absorbed by a students’ housing. It is true that there are some fans who will visit nearly every work of its idol, but the most attractive thing for a normal visit is the outstanding and special design of architecture. So without any assurance on the huge success of the building, I can not agree with the author on the expectation of many visitors only by a name of the architect. Thus, whether tourists will want to visit this new building is open to be doubt.
本段主题是质疑more tourists,但实际上混合了实用性，使得整体结构不够紧凑，议论稍有混乱。另外本段过长，可以修改后分成两个论点分别成段。这样思路更加清晰。

Another assumption in short of legitimacy is that the income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. (legitimacy是否过于正式)There are at least two reasons on this issue. In the first place, can the visiting fees be enough for the fund of the building of such housing? It is known to all that a school, unlike a commercial enterprise, whose object is not making money, so it should not charge too much on the visitors. （It is known to all that 后面从句不完整）In addition, students, who needs a quiet place for their study, will surely be disturbed by too many visitors. （此句是讨论不良影响，而非围绕主题）Thus, without good prize and enough people, how can the income come from? （from的宾语是哪个？）Despite the income , the outcome will increase if the building is open to the public, such as salaries for extra workers, the mending fees on broken articles, the bills for more electric and water, and relative advertisements ,etc. （这个观点很不错）Possibly the outcome will surpass the income and the school will spend more despite of the basic building costs. In this case, the way of fund is far from practical. （是否改用名词）
此段质疑income will cover costs，但仍然过长，可删去一些与主题联系不是很紧密的论证

Furthermore, given that this building can be useful and successful economical. It does not mean that such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. The determinative factors of the choice of student are not only a new dormitory and the difference between the origin school, and a school with one more building is not significant in the heart of alumni, who might be more cherished of the old times and the old images. (who是cherish的主语还是宾语)Thus, to attract more students and donations, to construct a new building seems an unwise decision.
质疑attract new students

To sum up, this argument is not convincing as it stands. To substantiate it, the author should provide sufficient evidence to prove the effectiveness of the new plan. To better evaluate the argument, a careful calculation on the incomes and the outcomes of the building and a further survey on the attraction of a students’ housing among the visitors should be taken and more consideration is need before decision.

本文整体漏洞找的很到位，有几个论述角度也很独特，文章的衔接也较不错。但中间两段论述过于冗长，可分成多个论点或删去一些与主题句联系不紧密的句子以使文章紧凑，明朗。