发作文，请帮助批改

iyydzUID: 2315691

中间被事情打断，后来就没有计时了。应该是超了不少。
中间有几个词忍不住查了词典。
请帮助批改。
谢谢！！

Some people believe the computer revolution has been only beneficial to society. Others say there are also some drawbacks. Which of these two positions do you agree with and why? Give reasons and specific details to support your opinion.
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Computer invention is a great revolution that it brings so many conveniences to the human life. However, does that mean the computer revolution has only beneficial to society? I do not think so. In my opinion, the computers bring so much trouble as well as advantages.

Indeed, with the computer, people live more convenient than before. Firstly, ladies can buy commodity without going out. It becomes a wonderful choice gradually because it may save money, energy, as well as time. In addition, Email makes people communicate with each other more convenient and efficient. Besides, through the web site, people can share varies valuable materials freely and gain almost information they need while what they should do just only put in some key words. It is a great revolution.

However, is it equal to that the computer does not bring any drawback to us? Every thing has both sides—advantage and disadvantage. Computer does not except. For example, the computer is not always as stable as people consider. Sometimes it will break up abruptly which will not wait for the users to save their database. In that case, it will make uncomplementary damage. For anther example, now the information on the web site is too full to read. If the readers can not separate useful information successfully from amount of resources and spend lots of time on invaluable articles, it will bring some unnecessary trouble. Furthermore, the speakers who report their ideas may be without many responsibilities because the word in web is too free to be responsible. So sometimes some unpleasant things happen on the web and hurt lot of innocent people.

In a word, the computer revolution is a great creation in this century. People make use of it well and create much value. But it exist many drawbacks and people should overcome them to let computer service us better.

tiantong8661UID: 2432399

Computer invention is a great revolution that it brings so many conveniences to the human life.
                                                              ~~去掉it
However, does that mean the computer revolution has only beneficial to society? I do not think
                                                                                  ^been
so. In my opinion, the computers bring so much trouble as well as advantages.
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 这句话感觉很别扭。
Indeed, with the computer, people live more convenient than before. Firstly, ladies can buy
                                                                ~~~~~~该用副词，但是用conveniently不好
commodity without going out. It becomes a wonderful choice gradually because it may save
~~~~~~这个词太大了，改成whatever they want。                ~~~~放在becomes前，
money, energy, as well as time. In addition, Email makes people communicate with each other
more convenient and efficient. Besides, through the web site, people can share varies valuable
                                                                                                               ~~~varieties of      
materials freely and gain almost information they need while what they should do just only put in
~~~~~information就好。~~~改成most                                                              ^is   ^to
some key words. It is a great revolution.

However, is it equal to that the computer does not bring any drawback to us? Every thing has
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~没看懂-_-!
both sides—advantage and disadvantage. Computer does not except. For example, the
                                                           The computer is not an exception.
computer is not always as stable as people consider. Sometimes it will break up abruptly which will
                                                                                                         ~down
not wait for the users to save their database. In that case, it will make uncomplementary
                                                   ~~~~~data                               ~~~~~uncomplimentary
damage. For anther example, now the information on the web site is too full to read. If the
                                                                                                      ~much
readers can not separate useful information successfully from amount of resources and spend lots
                       ~~~~differentiate                                    ~~加s
of time on invaluable articles, it will bring some unnecessary trouble. Furthermore, the speakers   
who report their ideas may be without many responsibilities because the word in web is too free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~这句话重新写吧。。cmft。。。
to be responsible. So sometimes some unpleasant things happen on the web and hurt lot of innocent people.                                                                                                  ~lots

In a word, the computer revolution is a great creation in this century. People make use of it well and create much value.
But it exist many drawbacks and people should overcome them to let computer service us better.
         ~~~also brings                                                                   ^the       ~~~~serve

[ 本帖最后由 tiantong8661 于 2008-4-18 04:41 编辑 ]

tiantong8661UID: 2432399

逐句看了，再提点意见吧。
1. 尽量用你熟悉的单词，别用不熟悉的。我以为英语作文最要紧的是流畅，用你最熟悉的单词把意思清晰地表达出来就ok了。比如convient这个词，在你的作文中出现了三次，窃以为都用得不好。我觉得这个词会用it is convenient to.....这种句型就足够了。

2.行文思路上还有问题，感觉advantage和disadvangtage的例子都举得不够有力。当然，很有可能是不够流畅影响了我。

nornsUID: 2325187

我感觉你的例子不够深入，很泛泛。  你可以举具体点，比如我作历史作业时，computer帮我查了一堆有用的材料啊。 email那个，可以说以前需要很长时间才能到达的信，现在几秒种就搞定了。

另外定冠词的用法似乎不够严谨。以你第一段为例。

Computer invention【建议改为the computer invention】 is a great revolution that it【这里it该去掉】 brings so many conveniences to the human life【human life前面不用加the】. However, does that mean the computer revolution has only beneficial to society? I do not think so. In my opinion, the computers【要么用computers，要么the computer】 bring so much trouble as well as advantages.

iyydzUID: 2315691

谢谢各位的修改。帮我改出这么多错误。以后要注意例子的具体化使论点更有力。