上次写的作文重写了一遍再贴出来

7stationUID：2475653

关于家长要不要让小孩子参加家务劳动

Underlying the rapid economic growth is a much higher living standard which leads and enables current parents to take care of their children much better than previously. Some parents thinks that, since the priority of their kids is study, their kids should not take part in any household tasks which is not necessary. In my opinion, the above statement oversimplified the relationship between household tasks and education. A more balanced belief should be emphasized on this problem. Participating some household tasks based on parents’ careful strategies is beneficial to the children’s growth. Here are my reasons.

First, daily life experience should be considered as an essential part of education. I admit the students’ main responsibility is to acquire knowledge. However, this responsibility should be based on the basic daily life experience. Suppose a young adult who never takes part in any task in household arrives at a college. How could he/she confront this alien world without any help from their parents? In other words, this young adult’s education is not a comprehensive one. Qualified parents will not complete everything for their kids, such as washing dirty cloth, but rather teach children how to live independently through appropriate house tasks. Obviously those living skills will not fall out from a tree and hit their kids on the head, when their kids stand in front of the dormitory in which they have to live by themselves. So the education of household tasks should not be postponed and neglected.

Secondly, household tasks could provide many opportunities to family members’ communication, especially between parents and their kids. Some parents and children commonly assume that the household task is unutterably boring and waste time. However the deleterious effects of household task could be alleviated by the household task itself. Let’s take a commonplace occurrence: Kids immediately dig themselves into piles of books after dinner, and their parents merely wash dirty disks in kitchen room. It is really tedious. In contrast, parents and their kids participating household tasks together could make atmosphere vivid. In so doing, children could talk with their parents about variety of things such as making friends, field trips, and even academic courses; and parents could give their kids some advices and their own experience. In this harmonious atmosphere, household tasks are not boring anymore, on contrary, it is beneficial and educational.

In summary, household tasks should not be neglected from children’s daily life. It is beneficial and imperative to them.

[ 本帖最后由 7station 于 2008-4-18 18:55 编辑 ]

hyacinthUID：2184492

请看我的签名 :loveliness:

7stationUID：2475653

已经在你那个帖子上回了这个贴的联接了

hyacinthUID：2184492

Underlying the rapid economic growth is a much higher living standard which leads and enables current parents to take care of their children much better than previously. Some parents thinks [think] that, since the priority of their kids is study, their kids should not take part in any household tasks which is not necessary. In my opinion [能不用in my opinion, I think, 最好就不要用. ] the above statement oversimplified the relationship between household tasks and education. A more balanced belief should be emphasized on this problem. Participating some household tasks based on parents’ careful strategies[什么strategies?] is beneficial to the children’s growth. Here are my reasons. [开头似乎有些长了,而且稍稍能闻到一点模板的味道]


First, daily life experience should be considered as an essential part of education. I admit the students’ main responsibility is to acquire knowledge [只有在书本上学的才叫knowledge吗?]. However, this responsibility should be based on the basic daily life experience. Suppose a young adult who never takes part in any task in household arrives at a college. [这里就是你可以加入细节的地方.比如空空的宿舍,几乎什么地方都需要打扫和整理啊,国内的学校还要自己套被子.这些场景是要你自己渲染的.] How could he/she confront this alien world without any help from their parents? In other words, this young adult’s education is not a comprehensive one. Qualified parents will not complete everything for their kids, such as washing dirty cloth, but rather teach children how to live independently through appropriate house tasks. Obviously those living skills will not fall out from a tree and hit their kids on the head [呵呵~这里描述的很形象.thumb up], when their kids stand in front of the dormitory in which they have to live by themselves. So the education of household tasks should not be postponed and neglected.


Secondly, household tasks could provide many opportunities to family members’ communication, especially between parents and their kids. Some parents and children commonly assume that the household task is unutterably boring and waste time. However the deleterious effects (这里用deleterious形容家务事好像有点夸张了.个人觉得家务事是生活中的一部分,可能会很烦琐,但有害倒不至于吧.) of household task could be alleviated by the household task itself. Let’s take a commonplace occurrence: Kids immediately dig themselves into piles of books after dinner, and their parents merely wash dirty disks in kitchen room. It is really [能不用really还是尽量不要用.] tedious. In contrast, parents and their kids participating household tasks together could make atmosphere vivid[vivid一般用来形容生动的,鲜明的.用在这里形容家庭气氛就不太合适.]. In so doing [doing so], children could talk with their parents about variety of things such as making friends, field trips, and even academic courses; and parents could give their kids some advices and their own experience. In this harmonious atmosphere, household tasks are not boring anymore, on contrary, it is beneficial and educational. [坦白说,你这个例子不能convince我.你用了boring, waste time, tedious形容家务. 你对家务的描述, 在我的大脑里的image就等同于无聊.但我想你这段的重点其实是说家务增进了家庭成员尤其是父母与子女间的交流.那我觉得你不需要放太多的笔墨在这上面]


In summary, household tasks should not be neglected from children’s daily life. It is beneficial and imperative to them. [其实前面一直不错.开头做了很多铺垫,文章论述也都不错,结尾却戛然而止.让人觉得你在敷衍了事.即使你是考场上时间不够了,rater在评分的时候可不会替你着想.结尾不应该是仅仅总结重复之前的观点,可以对你没有在正文部分具体阐述的观点做个补充说明,还要注意照应开头.]


说实话,这篇文章我看了很长时间,仍然不知道怎么帮你改.因为第一遍迅速的看下来.表达没有大问题,体现了你扎实的英语功底.结构和层次也很清晰. 文中的两个观点也很常见. 美中不足的是, 例子可以再具体一点.
然后我又读了好几遍,始终觉得你第二段观点和例子有点不搭, 或者说有点牵强, 可能是我鸡蛋里挑骨头了吧.(因为真正的rater应该是不会有很多时间去细想其中的逻辑关系的.)
T的作文主要是考查下面四个方面.能很好的做到其中两到三条,已经是很不错的文章了.
1. 你怎样有效的addresses the topic and task. 你在这方面做得很不错.
2. How well you organize and develop,是否有 clearly appropriate explanation, exemplification, and/or details. 你做的不错,但是还可以再提高一些.
3. 文章的 unity, progression, and coherence. 结尾可能欠缺了点
4. 是否表现出consistent facility in the use of language, demonstrating syntactic variety, appropriate word choice and idiom, though it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors. 除了个别的用词不当(也都在可接受范围内), 你的文章在这方面也挺不错的, 几乎没有语法问题. 不过还可以适当的用些从句变换变换句式.

总之, 很不错的文章. 望在今后能保持现有的优点, 针对自己的不足有针对性的练习.
期待你的好成绩.

PS, 段与段之间最好能空一行出来.

[ 本帖最后由 lintelle 于 2008-4-21 02:16 编辑 ]

7stationUID：2475653

感谢改的这么仔细,还一条一条的对,我自己也感觉很多时间例子和观点牛头不对马嘴,总是时间紧迫来不及细想..

第一段确实有一长句是从模板里COPY来的.

hyacinthUID：2184492

唉...我的字体颜色从昨天开始到了GTER就调不过来了...凑合着看吧.:mad

再废话一句,你的框架结构和表达已经都没有问题了,有时间想想怎么举例和收尾.;d: