我的修改前后的2篇SATESSAY希望大家能分别给我打个分。我好知道自己的水平，谢谢！

yoxiyoxidaUID: 2384333

RT。。大家帮我的两篇文章打下分提点建议，谢谢啦
我不知道自己水平究竟怎么样。
Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic?
# u1 m, I. M6 \
7 Y7 ?9 B2 Q" A. J: n- O  Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic? I concede that there exist many critics who are claiming that our society is so materialistic that people can hardly feel warm from others even from their relatives, and these critics have their seemed reasonable reasons for saying it. But criticize our modern society just because it has become materialistic is too partial.
+ v3 t( }3 ]3 R, J& O! x- Y  First of all, the materialistic society brings us many useful materials, the modern inventions, which provide our human beings with not only a more convenient life but also more ways to get close with friends and relations. Since Thomas Alva Edison had invented the electric bulb, we have been enjoying the night time everyday. More relaxing life came to us because we can do some of the work at night so that we have a less strenuous daytime or we can just sit on a sofa with families so and enjoy the attractive TV programs. Thanks to the telephone, friends are always in reach and are more intimate. Besides this, everyone with a telephone will not stay in a dilemma for a long time since he can ask for help by a call if he is in an emergency. At this point, I cannot find the indifference modern society brings to us, but on the opposite side, more care has happened. In addition, life has become easier and more efficient.
  Further more, the materialistic society also has promoted us to make more progress. In a society like this, many people are happily pursuing wealth, and this phenomenon is also what the critics are talking about day after day. But actually, it is not so bad to make more money, isn’t it? The society is full of competitions, and the loser will certainly lost his money and once comfortable life. In order to be the winner, everyone forces himself to work harder to win, to make more money, in another word, to gain a wonderful life for his family. In the case of this, our society is progressing in an unbelievable speed. Some may claim that it will surely destroy the environment. But if one day our advanced technology allows us to move to another bigger planet, will they oppose to do it? Obviously they won’t. Think about the coming progress, our modern society still should not be criticized for being materialistic.
  No matter stress on the emotional side or the physical side, the conclusion is easy to make—modern society should not be criticized for being materialistic.


  Y" D+ v: v, \( }& C+ b修改后的：
  Should modern society be criticized for being materialistic? I concede that there exist many critics who are claiming that our society is so materialistic that people could hardly feel warmth from others, even their relatives, with seemingly convincing reasons. But to criticize our modern society for the increasing involvement of materialism is slightly too partial.
8 T, Y& i8 }. @5 u8 B4 Q  Initially, a materialistic society is always accompanied by modern inventions that provide us with daily convenience and tight family or friendship connections. Since the invention of electric bulb by Thomas Alva Edison, our nights are prolonged and illuminated. More leisure time is made possible as the illumination enables us to coordinate our time more reasonably and to reduce the strenuousness of our daytime, thus allowing us to spend time watching TV and staying with families. Thanks to the telephone, friends become closer and more intimate; emergencies no longer remain as dilemmas. Alas, modern individuals, instead of being isolated, have become more united than ever by the inventions.
$ ^' k+ y, ]% j, ?2 J  Furthermore, a materialistic society also promotes the procedure of progression. While critics keep skeptical and sarcastic towards the pursuit of wealth, it is common for people to make more money. The intense social competition has urged people to become competent. The ones who fall behind the development would be deprived of comfort and happiness. Though there exist the worries of the detrimental effects we might impose on the environment, the possibility that another planet that fits our subsistence is made possible only by the advancement of technologies, which was regarded “materialistic” by the critics. Thus, it is inadequate to criticize our society as being too materialistic.
  Conclusively, the modern society is not characterized by the downsides of materialism. Instead, it is a motivated society empowered by the aspire to innovate, to pursue, and to create. Only on the basis of “materials” could the society find its way to progress. In a nutshell, the modern society should not be criticized for being materialistic.

  {2 a* A& k) O( j1 B! X# E[ 本帖最后由 yoxiyoxida 于 2008-4-30 00:56 编辑 ]

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

修改前的，我不知道RATER会给几分，要我给的话。。。8分吧，也可能更低一点点。。。
第一段写了太多废话，不够简洁。
% I/ q: T3 {% m. X: ]- K: u第二段太混乱了。写了不止一个argument，并且每个又没有详细写，只是一笔带过，分析举例不够深入。
7 r3 K) W' Q+ c6 d4 E  }第三段在看前一半的时候都不知道在说什么。。。逻辑不够清晰。并且后面关于environment不提还好一点，你所阐述的观点是很有问题的，保护地球的重要性谁都知道，况且ETS是标准的环保主义者，这里放一个这样的argument可想而知。。。
+ j. r; t  M, q, g. k- {3 _结尾不像开头那么罗嗦了，不过尽量可以把前面的argument精炼地总结再升华下。

4 N( o5 J# t: M8 Y" C. ^5 S[ 本帖最后由 深海lavender 于 2008-4-30 09:06 编辑 ]

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

修改后的，语言方面确实好一些，我给的话。。。8-9分吧。。。
0 a3 M& L8 z% g第一段可以再简练些。
2 N+ E: u2 |1 D3 N6 ?8 m第二段中间几句话逻辑连接不流畅，举例说明同样不够详细。
# t3 X8 P) r" L# P, m8 ?第三段可以把前几句话合并下，扩充主题句的内容，更清晰明了，否则还是看的逻辑有些混乱且不够简洁。最大的缺陷-----环境的那个argument还是要删掉。
" P9 T/ X$ {# C% Q7 p* P结尾比修改前好。

: g1 Q* S* ~& n7 F3 C4 @修改后的文章总体比修改前在许多方面都有进步，最主要的问题是：
1、逻辑不够清晰简洁，主题句概括程度不够。
" j: O3 O9 g. n3 e% }2、文章应该更focused一点，想写的太多如果全写了反而会混乱，不如有所取舍。
3、感觉落入了TOEFL作文的俗套。太格式化了。

深海lavenderUID: 2350207

LZ现在不应该把重点放在修改自己原有的作文上，这样即使在分数上有提高，也是很有限的，因为这只能改词句这些基本的东西，还剩几天，多看看范文，仔细揣摩人家是怎么写的，逻辑，举例等等。
加油加油！:)

yoxiyoxidaUID: 2384333

谢谢深海详细的点评哈。
: ^, ]  I. @8 n# ]5 W# n( P 的确有很多范文可以看。

vannesssky310UID: 2391149

个人认为是8分文章
因为作者没有事例 这个都是阐述性语言 不是很容易得高分 相反的还可能被打低
作者对第一个Thomas Edison的例子 可以说清楚一点点 就这一个例子为一个段落 不必要大量叙述
. L5 k3 y5 k( W9 `* D- \) b, b而第二个Make More Progress 同样的要给一个例子 而不是空谈论述 这样效果更好
- c, k, K; ~9 k作者可以去读读 新东方编的<手把手教你SAT作文>
3 H1 S- Q& |! i8 n# k5 s8 A尽管该书有些的地方没有将原文的不好的地方加以完全改正 但是里面提到的问题和错误 确实值得中国考生学习的

(PS:个人观点, 有意见者请保留)

yoxiyoxidaUID: 2384333

Thanks a lot ```这里我还有一篇，麻烦大家帮我看一下·谢谢啦
) D4 A# C" D/ u# V8 |# \# tIs there any value for people to belong only to a group or groups with wich they have something in common?

In today’s international and various world, more emphasis is put on creations. Thus, new ideas, technologies and inventions embrace human beings everyday, bringing us a better and better world. The existence of so many innovations makes the value created by people who belong only to a group or groups with which they have sth in common very little.

In the first place, only if a person joins a group with different idea could the weakness be found. Galileo’s story models this very well. At that time, the most famous Greek philosopher Aristotle was the authority in many fields, including the physics. His theory that heavier object fell faster was accepted by almost everyone. The exception was Galileo, and Galileo joined the group with different thought. After a time he found that 2 pens dropped from the table and got to the ground at the same second, he became more resolute that the theory is false. Therefore, the famous experiment on the leaning tower of Pisa was born: Galileo set 2 iron balls with different weight free together, and to everyone’s surprise, the pair of balls fell into the ground simultaneously. As a consequence, Galileo became famous and a wrong theory was revealed.

% u% L0 c$ d" |; QFurthermore, belonging to groups which we have nothing in common with will make our knowledge much wider. In these groups, the air is much more different from the one we are familiar with. And as we breathe it every minute, it will gradually become familiar too. Consequently, we have absorbed a new idea. Let’s take a look at Aristotle again. As the world knows, he is not only a great philosopher, but also a great scientist and educationist. He had taken part in almost every group, though he may initially have nothing in common with the members. However, he finally managed many kinds of knowledge: logic, rhetoric, physics, biology, pedagogics, psychics and etc. It is said that Aristotle is also the author of more than 400 cyclopaedias, such as the Organon, the Metaphysics and the Poetics. All in all, he became the greatest sophist around the world.

Conclusively, joining groups with different ideas from us can help us find the weak points and joining groups only have nothing in common with us can provide us with chances to learn more. So there is little value for people to belong only to a group or groups with which they have something in common.