argument147(火箭小组)第一次作业

t3123055UID: 2498724

The arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games will go up. That point seems to be seemly and reasonable at the first glance, however, it can’t bear considering, because there are some untenable reasons.
Firstly, the investigation of 10-25 age people exists some problems. The scales of investigation and the respondents' attitude, as well as the number of answer influences the result of the investigation. If the investigation only involves some endemic places and the respondents who are invested don't take care of that investigation, the investigation is not statistically reliable. What's more, the number of people who accept investigation might be less. This record will lose itself mean, in this case, the editorial’s conclusion that sales of Whirlwind video games will climb up is unreachable.

Secondly, liking it can't behalf that they will buy it. They must consider the buying power of their customers who are 10-25 years old and who usually depend on their parents. Thus, if their parents think they should not buy that game, they won't give money to them. And nowadays, many people spend more time in supervising their children's study, and many of them compel their children to taking more extra classes. In this way it is impossible for children to buy that games. It will become harder and harder for the sales of Whirlwind video games to increase.

Thirdly, although some player prefer those games which provide lifelike graphics, but there are other factors that decide whether they will buy them such as the type of product, the design of  product , the topic of product ,the activity of product., and the important point is that the price is sound or not.
In sum, that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be reversed is  specious, many other factors much be taken seriously.

byysUID: 2294038

The arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games will go up. That point seems to be seemly and reasonable at the first glance, however, it can’t bear considering, because there are some untenable reasons.
开头不错，我很喜欢简短的开头

Firstly, the investigation of 10-25 age people exists (这个词用得不合适，但是我除了have还真没有想到词来代替) some problems. The scales of investigation and 删掉 the respondents’ attitude, as well as the number of answer influence the result of the investigation. If the investigation only involves some endemic places and the respondents who are invested (investigated你是想用这个词吧？) don't take care of that investigation, the investigation is not statistically reliable. What's more (这种标志词的使用值得提倡), the number of people who accept investigation might be less (比较不能这么用吧，改成insufficient). This record will lose itself mean, in this case, the editorial’s conclusion that sales of Whirlwind video games will climb up is unreachable.

Secondly, liking it can't behalf (印象中behalf是名词，用represent吧)that they will buy it. They must (might，must太武断了) consider the buying power of their customers who are 10-25 years old and who usually depend on their parents. Thus, if their parents think they should not buy that game, they won't give money to them. And nowadays, many people spend more time in supervising their children's study, and many of them compel their children to taking more extra classes. In this way it is impossible for children to buy that  (those) games. It will become harder and harder for the sales of Whirlwind video games to increase.
这段的论述展开了，没有泛泛而谈，不错。
Thirdly, although some player (players)  prefer those games which provide lifelike graphics, but there are other factors that decide whether they will buy them such as the type of product, the design of  product , the topic of product ,the activity of product., and the important point is that the price is sound or not.
这段也展开了，不错。

In sum, that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be reversed is specious, many other factors much be taken seriously.

总评：你应该是抽去了模版，留下了主要的部分，所以字数方面就不算做缺点了。
      用词有待加强，但是内容其实展开的不错。我想对于gre来说，内容比流于形式的句型更重要。

水平有限，大家以后多多交流

yanglinleeUID: 2380163

The arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games will go up. That point seems to be seemly(GRE作文里最好不要高密度出现同一词) and reasonable at the first glance, however, it can’t bear considering(换个说法), because there are some untenable reasons(untenable后面最好是argument,claims,position.).
开门见山,直奔主题,不过可以考虑下有逻辑的让步


Firstly, the investigation of 10-25 age people exists some problems. The scales of investigation and the respondents' attitude, as well as the number of answer influences the result of the investigation. If the investigation only involves some endemic places and the respondents who are invested don't take care of that investigation, the investigation is not statistically reliable. What's more, the number of people who accept investigation might be less. This record will lose itself meaning, in this case, the editorial’s conclusion that sales of Whirlwind video games will climb up is unreachable.
数据问题最好入手,分析很清楚.
但可以考虑把重要的放在前面,毕竟我们也没有证据说他们的survey有问题.

Secondly, liking it can't behalf that they will buy it. They must consider the buying power  purchasing power of their customers who are 10-25 years old and who usually depend on their parents. Thus, if their parents think they should not buy that game, they won't give money to them. And nowadays, many people spend more time in supervising their children's study, and many of them compel their children to taking more extra classes. In this way it is impossible for children to buy that games. It will become harder and harder这个是没有根据的,属于有点夸大了 for the sales of Whirlwind video games to increase.



Thirdly, although some player prefer those games which provide lifelike graphics, but there are other factors that decide whether they will buy them such as the type of product, the design of  product , the topic of product ,the activity of product.相同的product可以省去, and the important point is that the price is sound competitive or not.
In sum, that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be reversed is  specious这个词,换个吧, many other factors much be taken seriously.

总结: 错误非常明确,分析清晰,但是长度有点短.
还有就是论证时候尽量不要过激批判,这个,个人觉得的不好.加油加油,第一篇很不错的!
The arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games will go up. That point seems to be seemly(GRE作文里最好不要高密度出现同一词) and reasonable at the first glance, however, it can’t bear considering(换个说法), because there are some untenable reasons(untenable后面最好是argument,claims,position.).
开门见山,直奔主题,不过可以考虑下有逻辑的让步


Firstly, the investigation of 10-25 age people exists some problems. The scales of investigation and the respondents' attitude, as well as the number of answer influences the result of the investigation. If the investigation only involves some endemic places and the respondents who are invested don't take care of that investigation, the investigation is not statistically reliable. What's more, the number of people who accept investigation might be less. This record will lose itself meaning, in this case, the editorial’s conclusion that sales of Whirlwind video games will climb up is unreachable.
数据问题最好入手,分析很清楚.
但可以考虑把重要的放在前面,毕竟我们也没有证据说他们的survey有问题.

Secondly, liking it can't behalf that they will buy it. They must consider the buying power  purchasing power of their customers who are 10-25 years old and who usually depend on their parents. Thus, if their parents think they should not buy that game, they won't give money to them. And nowadays, many people spend more time in supervising their children's study, and many of them compel their children to taking more extra classes. In this way it is impossible for children to buy that games. It will become harder and harder这个是没有根据的,属于有点夸大了 for the sales of Whirlwind video games to increase.



Thirdly, although some player prefer those games which provide lifelike graphics, but there are other factors that decide whether they will buy them such as the type of product, the design of  product , the topic of product ,the activity of product.相同的product可以省去, and the important point is that the price is sound competitive or not.
In sum, that the sales of Whirlwind video games will be reversed is  specious这个词,换个吧, many other factors much be taken seriously.

总结: 错误非常明确,分析清晰,但是长度有点短.
还有就是论证时候尽量不要过激批判,这个,个人觉得的不好.加油加油,第一篇很不错的!

[ 本帖最后由 yanglinlee 于 2008-6-3 00:39 编辑 ]