issue130 【7\8\9\10】AW作文小组 7.18

zoubinUID: 2501151

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

No one would deny that children are the hope of our society and only can their comprehensive abilities determine what the society would be like in the future, of which socialization level is just one part. Thus, the speaker's assertion that the destiny of society is totally decided by the socialization level of children is too extreme and slapdash. Besides, the speaker definitely concludes that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, which seems unreasonable. In my eyes, without doubt, our society has always gone ahead, which is a good index to show that human beings are good at educating the youth, although I concede that our education system also has some problems. To better present my viewpoints, let me illustrate them in the following details.

As a proverb says, "The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.” If our children know more about knowledge, skills and what the nature, the society and the world run, they can live a better life in the future. If they understand the importance of mutually helping and loving, and how to do it, our society would be fraught with love, which can make people undergo less pain. In short, how children are socialized today can largely influence the destiny of society.

However, there are also other features of children which can affect the future of our society. Among these, one feature, which might be probably ignored, is health. As you can see, without health, life is nothing. But we have to face some pressing problems of children's body; even we have better medical conditions now. For example, more and more youth children are over fat, because of the snack foods and the lack of exercising, which can cause many diseases when they are old. No matter in what conditions, fatness is not a healthy index. Hence, if we wish a better society, we should take effective measures to ensure children a sound body. So only the comprehensive qualities including socialization level and body health can determine the destiny of society.

In recent decades, everyone in this world can experience the rapid development of our society, obviously we have created many miracles, such as landing on the moon, sending astronauts to outer space. So how can the speaker assert that we don't know how to teach the youth? If we really don't, are these miracles all gifts given by god? However, it never rains roses: when we want to have more roses we must plant trees. As mentioned before, I think these are no need to discuss this ridiculous argument.

In a world with so many compelling problems, such as starvation, employment and diseases, apparently, our education system must have some flaws. It's really difficult to solve these thorny problems, we have to place more hope at the youth, but we should teach them what to do and how to do. Therefore, there is also a long way before success. But now that we have overcome many crucial problems before, we can build a better society in the future.

To sum up, since socialization level of children is a vital factor, but just as mentioned before not the only one, to determine the destiny of society, no matter how much attention we pay to it can not be overemphasized if we wish a better tomorrow. As for our education system, first I think it works generally well and by it we have achieved many successes, while on the other hand, I concede that it is not prefect now, so we have a lot to do in order to create a more beautiful future.

[ 本帖最后由 zoubin 于 2008-7-18 19:17 编辑 ]

DemiquaverUID: 203651

过会来拍

麻烦有空拍拍我的：https://bbs.gter.net/thread-859135-1-2.html

DemiquaverUID: 203651

LZ的表达比我好多了，词汇量也大。

不过文章好像有点问题，从第一段里基本能看出观点，但除了第二段，其他都好像用的是Argu的论证方法在阐述，没有深入分析各个分论点。

1、第三段中想表达孩子们的健康也很重要。但是阐述的都是现象，为什么孩子们的健康对社会未来发展重要？而且和sociallized同等重要？关键的这些原因没有深入分析。

2、第四段最牵强。飞机导弹能上天，对孩子的教育就一定是好的了？两者没有必然联系吧，论述有点强词夺理的感觉。

3、第五段提到教育体系是否完善，我觉得有点跑题。

4、感觉各段的分论点是有些散的，这种情况下，在每段开头加一些过渡词应该有比较好的效果。

对于Issue题目，即使是要反驳题目的观点，我觉得，应该是把自己与之相反的观点表达清楚，分析到位，而不必在细节上一对一的反驳，这样会使得全文的立意较低。

一家之言，水平有限，若有错误，请包含！

No one would deny that children are the hope of our society and only can (我觉得可以省) their comprehensive abilities determine what the society would be like in the future, of which socialization level is just one part(前面有and连接两部分，使得这里从句的关系好像不明确). Thus, the speaker's assertion that the destiny of society is totally decided by the socialization level of children is too extreme and slapdash. Besides, the speaker definitely concludes that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, which seems unreasonable. In my eyes, without doubt, our society has always gone ahead(???不懂), which is a good index to show that human beings are good at educating the youth(为什么？), although I concede that our education system also has some problems. To better present my viewpoints, let me illustrate them in the following details.

As a proverb says, "The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.” If our children know more about knowledge, skills and what the nature, the society and the world run(不通哇), they can live a better life in the future. If they understand the importance of mutually helping and loving(我感觉是mutual help and love), and how to do it, our society would be fraught with love, which can make people undergo less pain. In short, how children are socialized today can largely influence the destiny of society.

However, there are also other features of children which can affect the future of our society. Among these, one feature, which might be probably ignored, is health. As you can see, without health, life is nothing. But we have to face some pressing problems of children's body; even we have better medical conditions now. For example, more and more youth children are over fat, because of the snack foods and the(这两个定冠词似乎不需要) lack of exercising(exercise), which can cause many diseases when they are old. No matter in what conditions, fatness is not a healthy index. Hence, if we wish a better society, we should take effective measures to ensure children a sound body. So only the comprehensive qualities including socialization level and body health can determine the destiny of society.

In recent decades, everyone in this world can experience the rapid development of our society, obviously we have created many miracles, such as landing on the moon, sending astronauts to outer space. So how can the speaker assert that we don't know how to teach the youth? If we really don't, are these miracles all gifts given by god? However, it never rains roses: when we want to have more roses we must plant trees. As mentioned before, I think these are no need to discuss this ridiculous argument. （这段有点莫名）

In a world with so many compelling problems, such as starvation, employment and diseases, apparently, our education system must have some flaws. It's really difficult to solve these thorny problems, we have to place more hope at the youth, but we should teach them what to do and how to do（不相关的几层意思在一句句子里）. Therefore, there is also a long way before success. But now that we have overcome many crucial problems before(多余) , we can build a better society in the future.（和全文主旨，和题目没关系）

To sum up, since socialization level of children is a vital factor, but just as mentioned before not the only one(不通哇), to determine the destiny of society, no matter how much attention we pay to it can not be overemphasized if we wish a better tomorrow. As for our education system, first I think it works generally well and by it we have achieved many successes, while on the other hand, I concede that it is not prefect now, so we have a lot to do in order to create a more beautiful future.

buctcontrolUID: 2392206

No one would deny that children are the hope of our society and only can their comprehensive abilities determine what the society would be like in the future, of which socialization level is just one part. Thus, the speaker's assertion that the destiny of society is totally decided by the socialization level of children is too extreme and slapdash. Besides, the speaker definitely concludes that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, which seems unreasonable. In my eyes（我想和你讨论下这里的表达方式，in my mind or in my heart那种对或者说那种更为地道）, without doubt, our society has always gone ahead, （这里我也不解：1.gone ahead有没有其他表达方式。2.怀疑精神如何和人们教育得当联系上的我觉得交代不清楚。）which is a good index to show that human beings are good at educating the youth, although I concede that our education system also has some problems. To better present my viewpoints, let me illustrate them in the following details.

As a proverb says, "The foundation of every state is the education of its youth.” If our children know more about knowledge, skills and what the nature, the society and the world run（没理解）, they can live a better life in the future. If they understand the importance of mutually helping and loving, and how to do it, our society would be fraught with love, which can make people undergo less pain. In short, how children are socialized today can largely influence the destiny of society.

However, there are also other features of children which can affect the future of our society. Among these, one feature, which might be probably ignored, is health. As you can see, without health, life is nothing. But we have to face some pressing problems of children's body; even we have better medical conditions now. For example, more and more youth children are over fat, because of the snack foods and the lack of exercising, which can cause many diseases when they are old. No matter in what conditions, fatness is not a healthy index. Hence, if we wish a better society, we should take effective measures to ensure children a sound body. So only the comprehensive qualities including socialization level and body health can determine the destiny of society.

In recent decades, everyone in this world can experience the rapid development of our society, obviously we have created many miracles, such as landing on the moon, sending astronauts to outer space. So how can the speaker assert that we don't know how to teach the youth? If we really don't, are these miracles all gifts given by god? However, it never rains roses: when we want to have more roses we must plant trees. As mentioned before, I think these are no need to discuss this ridiculous argument.（最后几句感觉有冗余之嫌。）

In a world with so many compelling problems, such as starvation, employment and diseases, apparently, our education system must have some flaws. It's really difficult to solve these thorny problems, we have to place more hope at the youth, but we should teach them what to do and how to do. Therefore, there is also a long way before success（success此处代表什么我不清楚。）. But now that we have overcome many crucial problems before, we can build a better society in the future.（这段我不是很同意教育的失败之处在于那些饥饿，疾病。）

To sum up, since socialization level of children is a vital factor, but just as mentioned before not the only one（这里我的感觉又和楼上一样~），to determine the destiny of society, no matter how much attention we pay to it can not be overemphasized if we wish a better tomorrow. As for our education system, first I think it works generally well and by it we have achieved many successes, while on the other hand, I concede that it is not prefect now, so we have a lot to do in order to create a more beautiful future.

小结：
我第一次改文章，总的感觉思路本文还是很清晰，角度没有问题，文笔也不错的，几处没看懂的发现楼上也有同感，呵呵。
少数句子有冗余之嫌，也可能是我看的有点累了：P
关于第二句话的论证觉得还可以改改，若是按楼主的思路希望能丰富逻辑连接说明教育成功之处在哪，失败之处又在哪。
同样一家之见，经供参考：）

zoubinUID: 2501151

in my eyes = in my view 这些无所谓的
go ahead 前进，进步的意思，难道有误。我这句的意思就是社会一直在前进，这反映出我们的教育还是有效的。
what the nature, the society and the world run.  what 应该改为how  自然界，社会和世界是如何运转的
因为我觉得教育的final object是创造一个美好的世界，所以提到现在有很多问题。
but, just as mentioned before, not the only one  正如上述，并非唯一影响因素，可能我表达不到位。