COMEON－作文小组 ourtrans 9月5日作业

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9月5日
I the extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important than it was , 大家庭好还是小家庭?（2007年9月21日，生活习惯类，185经典题）

Family always plays a significant role in our daily life, no matter extended family or nuclear family and no matter now or in the past. However, along with the evolution of human society, the extended family is less and less important than it was, while the nuclear family is more and more important in the modern society.

In the first place, the extended family is more important in the past than now. In the past, especially in the agricultural society, since human beings did not have modern agricultural machinery, agricultural activities, such as plant, irrigation and harvest, are heavy work and need many people to collaborate. Therefore, an extended family that involves a number of labors was quite important for ancient human beings. But, in the industrial society, the extended family is no longer so important as in the agricultural society. That is, the modern agricultural machinery has taken most work off. Furthermore, after the Industrial Revolution, the mode of production has switched from on the family unit to on the factory unit. Consequently, the extend family gradually became less important than before.

In the second place, because the social mobility is greater than ever before, people might build a new family in a different region from their hometown, resulting in less contact with their extended families. In these cases, a nuclear family depends more on it's neighbors than on it's relatives. For example, my parents were born in two different provinces in China, and then they built their own family in another province. Unlike their parents, my parents have more and more relied on neighbors around them, not on their relatives since they moved out from their hometowns. For me, I even do not know most of my relatives in my parents' hometowns. Hence, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles play even less important roles in my life than in my parents' life.

Some might argue that the extended family is still at least as important as it was, but, in general, the influence of extended family has been gradually diminishing along with the evolution of human society.

[ 本帖最后由 ourtrans 于 2008-9-6 02:21 编辑 ]

verabbitsUID: 2360342

I the extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important than it was , 大家庭好还是小家庭?（2007年9月21日，生活习惯类，185经典题）
.Tg JqFamily always plays a significant role in our daily life, no matter extended family or nuclear family and no matter now or in the past. However, along with the evolution of human society, the extended family is less and less important than it was, while the nuclear family is more and more important in the modern society.mY8g  In the first place, the extended family is more important in the past than now. In the past, especially in the agricultural society, since（去掉since） human beings did not have modern agricultural machinery,（.）agricultural(Agricultural)  activities, such as plant, irrigation and harvest, are heavy work and need many people to collaborate.{前面的一个长句可能分为两句话会比较清楚，不然句式就糅杂了,鉴于楼主前面有个since, 猜想楼主要表达没有机器而又有重体力活所以要合作的因果关系，那样的话前两句可能要再重新组织一下，我试了一下，仅供楼主参考：In the past, especially in the agricultural society, since human beings did not have modern agricultural machinery, they need to collaborate with many people when doing heavy work like plant, irrigation and harvest. In that case, living in a extended family would be convenience. } Therefore, an extended family that involves a number of labors was quite important for ancient human beings. But, in the industrial society, the extended family is no longer so (as) important as in the agricultural society. That is, the modern agricultural machinery has taken most （加heavy） work off(去掉off, 加上 from human beings, take off用在此处似乎有点突兀,它在金山词霸里的意思有：拿掉, 取消, 脱衣, 起飞, 减弱, 离开, 岔开, 复制). Furthermore, after the Industrial Revolution, the mode of production（the production place） has switched from (on the, 去掉) （加small）family unit to (on the,去掉)(加large) factory unit. Consequently, the extend family gradually became less important than before.
  In the second place, because the social mobility is greater than ever before, people might build a(去掉) new family（families） in a(去掉) different region（regions） from their hometown, resulting in less contact with their extended families.{既然用了their, 前面还是也用复数吧} In these cases, a nuclear family depends more on it's（its） neighbors than on it's(its) relatives. For example, my parents were born in two different provinces in China, and then they built their own family in another province. {my father was born in a province different from the province where my mother was born, but they built their own family in a third province—neither the home town of my father, nor of my mother’s.} Unlike their parents (my grandparents), my parents have more and more relied on neighbors (around them去掉,邻居当然在周围住啦，意思重复), not on their relatives since they moved out from their hometowns. For me, I even do not know most of my relatives in (who lives in) my parents' hometowns. Hence, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles,(in another words, relatives) play even less important roles in my life than in my parents' life.2G        `/t7m9hK;^
t
I
a  Some might argue that the extended family is still (at least,此处去掉，换到后面) as important (加at least) as it was, but,（这个逗号去掉直接接后面的in general显得句子更连贯，我发现楼主喜欢写长句，但是长句的后一个分句和前一个往往连接得不自然，语气不连贯，可能还是要多注意转折部分的写法。） in general, the influence of extended family has been gradually diminishing along with the evolution of human society.|留学|签


红的是我改的，蓝的是原文证|TOEFL|GRE‑d-vC8UF
^

总的来说，楼主的文章结构清晰，分论点，尤其是第一个分论点提炼得很好，把大家庭兴起和渐渐衰落的历史因素阐述得很到位。第三段楼主用自己家的例子说明大家庭已经不如过去重要了，重要的是邻里关系，这个例子稍显得有些面目模糊。结尾段落似乎是仓促了，而且结论落在大家庭的影响上似乎有些偏，不说影响就好了。以上只是我的一点拙见，楼主要是觉得有不对的地方欢迎指正，我水平很有限，大家共同进步才是王道嘛，谢谢

很对不起哦，发得晚了，不要生气哈。

[ 本帖最后由 verabbits 于 2008-9-7 10:01 编辑 ]

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非常感谢