COMEON作文小组—— Mer. 10月24日作业

Mer.UID: 2532485

People's daily life is generally consist of work and relaxation. Once a person achieves a balance between the two, he will be able to obtain an optimum outcome of work as well as a healthy lifestyle. Nowadays,
however, the fact is that more and more people are spending much more time than they should seeking
recreation, which sometimes even serves as a form of retreat from their study and work.


Firstly, students in growing numbers are frittering away large amount of time on personal enjoyment. It is very common to see young boys or girls devote their whole evenings to the Internet, chatting online or playing computer games. According to a recent survay, there is an increase in the average level of absenteeism amongst students in schools in our country. This result strongly proves a decline in the number of students who concentrate on their studies.


Also, job holders are spending too much time indulging themselves in different kinds of entertainment. As the society advances rapidly, people who are groaning under the pressure of their work are on the rise. As a result, they squander days and nights on relaxation. Whenever possible, they go to places like karaokes, shopping malls and bars.This in turn lead to their lessen enthusiasm in engaging in their work. Finally, the balance between work and pastime is destroyed to a large extent.


It is undeniable that still, there are people focus and preoccupied on their study and work. Nevertheless, evidences have shown that the time people spend on amusement far exceeds that on things they should do.

cleanwater25UID: 2295333

People's daily life is(lives are) generally consist of （应该是be composed of或者直接用consist of）work and relaxation. Once a person achieves a balance between the two, he will be able to obtain an optimum（我觉得用better好点，因为optimum通常指的是一个选择是否为最优化选择，用来修饰outcome我个人觉得有些不妥。这里既然你想表达更好的工作和生活，用better很好，而且说的也不绝对） outcome of work as well as a healthy lifestyle. Nowadays, Ohowever, the fact is that more and more people are spending much more time than they should seeking（seek动词原形哦^_^）
第一段我觉得你想表达：我们的生活由工作和放松组成，你主要强调了平衡工作和放松的重要性，由此印出你的观点。但是首先，我觉得工作和放松这两个不同，工作是具体名次而放松属于抽象名次，而且放松应该是entertainment的结果，因此我觉得这么搭配可能好些：work-entertainment，或者pressure-relaxation

第一段完全可以这么写：Our daily lives are generally composed by work and entertainment.No one can deny the fact that work is quite significant for us, yet entertaimment which can relieve our stress cannot be ignored either.High pressure is harmful to both our health and work efficiency, therefore nowadays more and more people aware that they should spend more time on relaxtion.


Firstly, students in growing numbers are frittering away large amount of time on personal enjoyment. It is very common to see young boys or girls devote their whole evenings to the Internet, chatting online or playing computer games. According to a recent survay(survey), there is an increase in the average level of absenteeism amongst students in schools in our country. This result strongly proves a decline in the number of students who concentrate on their studies.（我觉得这一句有欠妥当，学生得不到放松而产生了厌学情绪，因此会逃学。例子很好，但是没说到点儿上。所以最后一句这么说好些：This investigation reflects the fact that students will be tired of studying if they suffer too much study with little relief from their courses.）
我觉得这一段主要说的是work或study太多的一些negative的后果。但是，我觉得应该是先论述问题，再举例子。比如你可以先说：Firstly，spending too much time on what we should do may cause a series of negative consequences.然后再for example。
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Also,(what's more好些，我个人觉得) job holders(worker就好了) are spending too much time indulging（这个词多用于贬义，可以用being engaged in） themselves in different kinds of entertainment. As the society advances（一般很少用advance，这句可以这么说，with the dramatic development of our society） rapidly, people who are groaning under the pressure of their work are on the rise. As a result, they squander（这个一般不和time搭配，改成waste吧） days and nights on relaxation. Whenever possible, they go to places like karaokes, shopping malls and bars.This in turn lead to their lessen enthusiasm in engaging in their work. Finally, the balance between work and pastime is destroyed to a large extent.

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It is undeniable that still, there are people focus and preoccupied on their study and work. Nevertheless, evidences have shown that the time people spend on amusement far exceeds that on things they should do.

我觉得这题表面虽然问的是人是否把太多的时间放在娱乐上，但是实际上我觉得包含了两个层次，第一层就是：如果你同意，那么大家为什么意识到要话更多的时间娱乐，第二层就是：too much不代表过度的多。也就是说，其实题目问的是大家为什么比以前花更多的时间娱乐。

另外，如果量化这个问题
除了睡觉8小时，人的一天可以有16个小时支配，除了吃饭，就剩下15个小时。你看看，如果我们工作效率提高了，是不是8小时的工作5小时就能搞定，剩下的时间当然就更多了。
除了工作效率提高导致工作时间的减少（也就是娱乐时间的增加），是不是人们对健康的意识也导致他们愿意用更多的时间度假什么的来保持健康呢

不知道这个批改你还满意吗

Mer.UID: 2532485

3Q3Q3Q,,
批改的很满意~！
感觉写的全是表象，不过那么一点拨很多东西应该还要挖的再深的，
嗯，学到很多~