作文球拍，请高人指点

weenbopperUID: 2423595

没几天就要考试了，不知道作文水平到底怎么样，求高人指点,3Q
Do you agree or disagree the following statement: Being happy with your job is more important than high salary


With the development of various kinds of technologies and transportation system, combined with the insatiable need of human beings, our modern society is becoming more and more fast-paced and pressing. Especially, in China, a country with a gigantic population and developing economy, almost every citizen has to work for his bread. However, when it comes to whether high salary is more important than happiness in job, people have divergent opinions due to their distinct backgrounds and experiences. As far as I am concerned, this statement is so fragile when facing the following reasons.

First and foremost, joy in work is the most effective way to ease the work-related stress. Everyone has to go through a rigorous schedule, even children are not exempt from this rush. Everyday there are deadlines to meet, reports to write bills to pay, meetings to attend, papers to submit, etc. Life is a never-ending race to most people, while happiness obtained from jobs can just provide you with a little piece of relaxation in these hectic hours. Carrying a good mood would allow you figure out the financial problems easily, analyze data carefully and willingly, and make your presentation confidently and happily.

Subsequently, the efficiency is another reason that backs up my choice. Naturally, happiness in job would lead you to being interested in it, and interest, which is the best teacher, will not only let you work willingly but also efficiently. All too often, we can observe some employees prefer to find a job in which their interests lie so as to improve the efficiency, which would not only make themselves more likely to be promoted but also help the company make higher profits.

Admittedly, salary is a factor that we should face, especially in China. In its competitive human resource market, salary is a significantly effective proof of your competence and abilities, not to mention money's innate economic values. However, this alone is insufficient to judge that money is more important than gladness in work.

In a nutshell, work-related happiness, because of  its significant role in increasing efficiency and releasing the pressure, is much more important than high salary.



[ 本帖最后由 weenbopper 于 2008-11-6 20:57 编辑 ]

weenbopperUID: 2423595

自己先顶一下！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

With the development of various kinds of technologies and transportation system, combined with the never-meeting insatiable need of human beings, our modern society is becoming more and more fast-paced and pressing. Especially, in China, which boastings its large amount of population and developing economy (boast在这种用法里是一个倾向于褒义的词，好的东西才会拿来吹嘛，所以庞大人口和落后经济这种制约因素最好不要拿来boast，直接把分句省掉，换成Especially in China, a country with a gigantic population and ...), almost every citizen has to work for his bread. However, when it comes to the question that whether high salary is more important than happiness in job, divergent (divergent不是用在人身上的. 后面用在opinions上正合适. ） people have divergent opinions due to their distinct backgrounds and experiences. As far as I am concerned, although money is a very significant motivation for us to work, hardly can it be seemed as the most important one since the following reasons.(题目是已经有了一个论点然后问你: do you agree or disagree... 所以最好说一下agree或者disagree，而不是说完一个很绕口的论点之后还让人不知道作者到底是agree还是disagree..一般老美的反应是比较慢的，所以写作文逻辑建议不要过分花哨)

First and foremost, ecstasy (ecstasy是一个很重的词，吸毒/鬼上身那级别的，建议不要轻易用. happiness/joy这种程度的就够了) in work is the most effective way to ease the work-related stress. Everyone has to go through a rigorous schedule, even children are not exempt from this rush. Everyday there are deadlines to meet, reports to write, bills to pay, meetings to attend, papers to submit, etc.(注意单复数一致) Life is a never-ending race to for most people. While the happiness obtained from jobs can just provide you with a little piece bit of relaxation in these rushing hours (这句没写完. while...后面呢? 另外，rush hour是特定词组，建议不要用在普通的意思上，可以用hectic). Carrying a good mood would allow you figure out the financial problems easily, analyze the date (这里没看懂..研究日期算是什么工作内容?..)carefully and willingly, and (有多个and离得很近的时候要小心分句) make the your presentation confidently and happily.

Subsequently,the efficiency is another reason that backs up my choice. Naturally, the happiness in job would lead you to being interested in it, while and interest, which is the best teacher, will not only let you work willingly but also efficiently. All too often, we can observe that some employees tend prefer to find a jobs in which where their interests lies in so as to improve their efficiency, which would not only make themselves own priority in promotion more likely to be promoted but also help the company make higher profits. (长句要好好断句，不然就像开头说过的，你很容易就把可怜的考官绕昏了，对印象分不好)

Admittedly,salary is the a factor that we should face, especially in China. In its competitive human resource market, salary is a significantly effective prove proof of for your competence and abilities, not to mention money's innate economic values. However, only from this alone is insufficient to judge that money is more important than gladness in work field.

In a nutshell, work-related ecstasy (同前), since because of (用这种句型的时候请把整个句子用普通的顺序读一次. 很容易就发现有没有问题)its significant role in increasing efficiency and releasing the pressure, is much more important than high salary.

总结：

词汇量不错，但依然请小心区别同义词，有时反而是最简单的词汇容易出错。

句式的变化也很好，但请注意逻辑的清晰还有长句的分句问题。另外开头第一句这种好像和题目有点关系又好像没什么关系的复杂长句子几乎可以断定是模板句，而之后如果频频在相似长度的句子里出现语法问题的话，一个比较婆妈的考官很可能会对你的真实水平起疑 - 所以我还是建议模板句看看就好，学要学人家怎么用，而不是照抄。

阿泰UID: 209473

水平不错的，但是在小的地方让考官挑毛病就不值了