今天的作文，请修改

popcornsUID: 2438735

总感觉写不到点上，贴出来请大家提意见。

Independent: agree or disagree: observing or studying animals can help us to understand human nature?


Basic to any understanding of the knowledge about human nature is through observing or studying animals. (To my knowledge, human beings can benefit from observing or studying animals.) So far, people and animals have been living together for thousands of years. We all agree that human nature and animal nature have considerable similarities. Therefore, through investigating animal behavior, we can analyze nature of human beings.

(1) People and animals have been in a close relationship. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors domesticated animals and imitated them. Hunting, fighting and dancing can be said the result of learning animals. Animal behavior influenced ancient people’s life style and ceremonial events. So did their offspring. In addition, nowadays, our kids can by raising animals learn how to take care and share with others and thus become mature. Obviously, as result from observing animals give us a perspective of the interdependence.

(2) Additionally, learning something from animals is truly amazing. They live, play, happy, and even anger. Some people grew up on farms. Their life experience is totally different from urban people had. The experience of contacting with livestock and wildlife help people close to the nature and easily seek an effective way to release press.

(3) Through observing and studying unique behavior and inherence characteristics of animals, we can understand why people think in different ways. In animal world, dogs seem to enjoy themselves, but cats cannot be satisfied easily. Apparently, we can find similar vivid characteristics in our around. As for me, I enjoy any chances playing with my dog. I know my dog is happy all the time, but most people don’t because they have too much in their mind and are not as quick to forgive.

    In summary, it is very important for us to observe and learn from animals. By treating animals kindly, we developed the feeling of mercy and the urgent need to protect our planet. We cannot live alone without animals. (Human beings have always been one of the species in the world sharing natural resources with millions of other animals.) We must, by all means, preserve the living rights of animals and by doing so preserve our humanity.

[ 本帖最后由 popcorns 于 2008-11-9 09:40 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这位童鞋，你请求修改了但是没有给出题目。。我猜你的题目是 we can learn much about human nature through animals.

Basic to any understanding of the knowledge about (understanding和knowledge重复) human nature is through observing or studying animals.(把这句话is前后两个部分换一下念一遍就应该能发现问题在哪里了) (To my knowledge, human beings can benefit from observing or studying animals.)(作文里不要用括号，要说的话就写出来，不要说的就不写) So far, people and animals have been living together for thousands of years. We all agree that human nature and animal nature have considerable similarities. Therefore, through investigating animal behavior, we can analyze nature of human beings.

(1) (作文也不需要标123) People and animals have been in a close relationship. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors domesticated animals and imitated them (imitated them...for what?). Hunting, fighting and dancing can be said to be the results of learning from animals. Animal behavior influenced ancient people’s lifestyle and ceremonial events. So did their (whose? animals' or ancient peoples'?) offsprings. In addition, nowadays, our kids can, by raising animals, learn how to take care of and share (share what? ‘学会和他人分享’在中文里也是病句) with others and thus become mature. Obviously, as result from observing animals give us a perspective of the interdependence (between humans and animals? 话要说清楚，上下文没有任何地方明显地提及interdependence，只是说古代人从观察动物中学到很多东西，没有说动物在什么方面依靠了人类，你不能指望读者猜出你的interdependence是什么意思).

(2) Additionally, learning something from animals is truly amazing. They live, play, show happiness, and even anger (同一个排比里有两个动词，一个形容词，一个名词 - 这应该至少让你有些警觉。。). Some people grew up on farms. Their life experience is totally different from that of urban people had. The experience of being in contacting with livestock and wildlife help people get close to the nature and is easily seek an effective way to release press stress. (okay, you said 'learning something from animals is amazing.'. 然后的例子呢？例子应该是用来解释为什么你说从动物身上学东西是很amazing的，比如，动物的行为很amazing，而不是和动物在一起有什么好处. Basically, an example should answer the question 'how is the example related to the topic'.. 没有建立起例子如何解释你的论点的逻辑，只是描述，就会让人有‘说不到点子上’的感觉。所谓‘点子’其实就是‘为什么这么说’的逻辑。)

(3) Through observing and studying unique behaviors and inherent characteristics of animals, we can understand why people think in different ways. In animal world, dogs seem to enjoy themselves, but cats cannot be satisfied easily. Apparently, we can find similar vivid characteristics in our around surroundings. As for me, I enjoy any chances playing with my dog. I know my dog is happy all the time, but most people don’t because they have too much in their mind and are not as quick to forgive. (and how is that similar to animals? 和上面的问题一样，你提出的论点是‘通过动物的性格和行为可以理解人的行为’，但你的例子是‘我喜欢和我的狗玩，我的狗性格很好，但有很多人的性格就不像狗这么好’，这个例子完全没有回答‘从狗的性格可以理解哪些人的什么方面的行为’这个问题，你只是在描述一些动物的性格和一些人的性格，and they appear to be totally unrelated to each other. 所以总会觉得好像说不到点子上，原因就是没有集中注意力来回答你真正需要阐述的问题)

In summary, it is very important for us to observe and learn from animals. By treating animals kindly, we developed the feeling of mercy and the urgent need to protect our planet. We cannot live alone without animals. (Human beings have always been one of the species in the world sharing natural resources with millions of other animals.) We must, by all means, preserve the living rights of animals and by doing so preserve our humanity. (这一整段都是和题目完全无关。虽然环保保育在美国是热门话题，也不是说你就应该把它写在这里。。)

总结:

词汇语法都不错，最大的问题就是逻辑能力比较弱，沿着几个关键字自由发挥的倾向很强。。写议论文的第一要素就是stick to the question and stick with your point，经常问问自己: 我写这句话是为了想要让读者理解我的论点的哪个方面呢？如果写出不能有助于读者理解你所陈述的观点的句子，就应该小心了。建议多练习列作文提纲。。

[ 本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2008-11-9 02:34 编辑 ]

popcornsUID: 2438735

:) 收到! mpromanus 的点评中肯，切实。俺本人也觉得逻辑欠缺些；例证说服性不够！