请指点

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

我在很努力学着套用老师教的模板。会不会太“模板”了。。
提点建议吧。。谢谢。。我虚心受教。。。。

Test 3
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy than it is to earn a lot of money.

People always sink into the dilemma of choosing between the jobs that they’re interested in and ones that provide with high salary. Contract with those who see money as their whole and the only assets, claiming that money can provide them luxurious and satisfying life; I will devote myself into the jobs I really enjoy, jobs that represent a paradise of excitement rather than a burden of bore for me.

Initially, one issue which makes me support this is that an enjoyable job has many desirable impacts on all realms of our daily life. For example, the work we like can spawn great advance in our career, helping us enhance our efficiency, guarantee our achievement, and approach a satisfying position through more promotion opportunities. Another case is that with attracting tasks, a pleasant job generally has spiritual and material advantages that easily sooth and delight us, by stimulating our inspiration for creation, by expanding our knowledge through entertaining ways, and by offering money to us without our abandonment of happiness. Perhaps more importantly, however, tasks suit me provide me positive emotion and extra time to have some relaxing moments, like doing sports, thereby securing me a life-long health physically and psychologically.

What’s more, people seldom notice that the whole argument in this question all rests with an assumption that people working in a field they enjoy earn less money than in the one they’re uninterested in. That, in fact, is a problem equating the more enjoyment of job to less income. Income or salary, in most situations, depends on contributions that employees make to their companies. The optimistic and talented ones can always dig out something worthy their devotion, for example, the experiences and communicating skills they gain in dealing with customers, which may be a dull job for others. As long as one is willing and able to achieve the goals of the company, his goal of higher earning and welfare can surely be achieved.

An equally essential factor which deserves people’s attention is that never should money be the ultimate pursuit of one’s life. At the time we accept the vital importance of money, we should also concern about the ethics involved in the process of achieving. What if the high-paid job is stealing? Or what if the money comes from the sacrifice of your families and friends? Clearly, money deserves gaining and using in a mortal way.

For the discussion above comes the conclusion that an enjoyable job will satisfy me spiritually and materially.

fandigenUID：2535142

帮顶

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

怎么还没改呢。。。

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

holding...holding...

谢谢楼主呀。。辛苦啦辛苦啦。。。。

mpromanusUID：2565872

不好意思今天需要处理一些私事回来迟了。多谢耐心等待。。

People always sink into the dilemma of choosing between the jobs that they’re interested in and ones jobs that provide with high salaries. Contrary with to those who see money as their whole and the only assets, claiming that money can provide them with luxurious and satisfying lives, I will devote myself into the jobs I really enjoy, jobs that represent a paradise of excitements rather than a burden of bore for me.(两个颇为诡异的搭配。。)

Initially, one issue which makes me support this (What is your 'this'? 一个新的段落等于读者的脑子刚刚被刷了一次，你需要很具体地引导他们回到你的论点上去) is that an enjoyable job has many desirable impacts on all realms of our daily lives. For example, the work we like can spawn great advances in our careers, helping us enhance our efficiency, guarantee our achievements, and allow us to approach a satisfying position through more promotion opportunities (这好像和前面的great advances in careers重复啊..除非你一开始想说的其实是great advantages..). Another case is that with attracting tasks, a pleasant job generally has spiritual and material advantages that easily sooth and delight us, by stimulating our inspiration for creation, by expanding our knowledge through entertaining ways, and by offering money to us without our us abandoning of happiness. Perhaps more importantly, however, tasks that suit me provide me with positive emotions (A good job doesn't 'provide' you with 'emotions'. It only 'gives' you a good 'mood'.) and extra time to have some relaxing moments, like doing sports, thereby securing me a life-long health physically and psychologically.(I have to say that your vocabulary is great but your sentences read as awkwardly as they come, primarily because you're almost always using word combinations that wouldn't be used in normal cases. Another reason is that your logic jumps from one point to another without obvious connections.

If I had the time, I'd re-write this whole paragraph for you, but that'll be too much work on me *wink*, so I've just re-written the last sentence to demonstrate my point:

Most importantly however, tasks that suit me give me a good mood that enhances my efficiency. It in turn enables me to spend that extra time on relaxing activities such as sports. These two benefits will ensure I stay both psychologically and physically healthy throughout my life.)

What’s more, people seldomly notice that the whole argument in this question all rests with an assumption that people working in a field they enjoy will earn less money than working in the one they’re uninterested in. That, in fact, is a problem equating the more enjoyment of job satisfaction to less income. Income or salary, in most situations, depends on contributions that employees make to their companies. The optimistic and talented ones can always dig out (正式写作中请避免用口语化的词) something worthy their devotion, for example, the experiences and communicating skills they gain in dealing with customers, which may be a dull job for others. As long as one is willing and able to achieve the goals of the company, his goals of higher earnings and better welfare can surely be achieved.

An equally essential factor which deserves people’s attention is that never should money be the ultimate pursuit of one’s life. At the same time we accept the vital importance of money, we should also be concerned about the ethics involved in the process of achieving (wealth?). What if the highly-paid job is involves stealing? Or what if the money comes from the sacrifice of your families and friends? Clearly, money deserves to be gained and used in a mortal way.

For the discussion above comes the conclusion that an enjoyable job will satisfy me spiritually and materially. (A summary is a summary and you should state briefly your major points again.)

总结:

1. 第一论点太长了，里面有一堆小论点，其实个个拿出来都可以单独成段。你的倾向是写太多很理论化的长篇大论但缺少实际而有力的例子。请注意议论文的语言尽量简洁。以俺自己的标准，一个段落起承转合一共四五句话即可，起 - 立论点，承 - 解释论点，转 - 举例子，合 - 总结例子如何说明论点。

2. 请注意词汇和句法的精确。你的长句太长，而且有相当的思维跳跃太大的现象 - 请努力用白居易读诗给老太太的标准来检查自己的逻辑，议论文的目标是让对题目只是粗解的读者明白你在说什么、你想说什么、还有你为什么这么说。

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

thanks....

i'll work hard on it...

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

您好，能不能请教一下，

新东方老师说过，
举例论证可以多个例子列举，也可以一个例子充分发展。

我看了您给我的修改意见，是不是说一个例子充分发展比较好呢?

mpromanusUID：2565872

7楼:

的确没有硬性规定举例不能在一段里举多个例子。。但是你不是在一段里举多个例子 (example)，你是在一段里提出多个很小的分论点 (sub-argument)，每一个分论点泛泛地理论了一下，并没有得到很具体的例子的支持。具体分析下：

Initially, one issue which makes me support this is that an enjoyable job has many desirable impacts on all realms of our daily life (1). For example, the work we like can spawn great advance in our career (2), helping us enhance our efficiency, guarantee our achievement, and approach a satisfying position through more promotion opportunities. Another case is that with attracting tasks, a pleasant job generally has spiritual and material advantages (3) that easily sooth and delight us, by stimulating our inspiration for creation, by expanding our knowledge through entertaining ways, and by offering money to us without our abandonment of happiness. Perhaps more importantly, however, tasks suit me provide me positive emotion and extra time (4) to have some relaxing moments, like doing sports, thereby securing me a life-long health physically and psychologically.

(1)是你的总论点，(2)(3)都是分论点，只有(4)可以算是擦边的例子。不是说跟在For example后面的就一定都是举例了。基本上来说，偏重于做结论 (judgement) 的论说是论点，而例子是偏重描述 (description) 的论说 - 如果要给你的(1)举例子的话，应该是具体地先说 一个好工作在生活的A方面有A影响，B方面有B影响，C方面有C影响，这些都是描述；然后才说A,B,C影响都是好影响，这是结论 - 而不是说 一个好工作在A方面有好影响，在B方面有好影响，在C方面也有好影响，这些就都是结论而没有描述了，而且更不要说这些方面还明显互相交叉（比如(3)的spiritual advantage和(4)的positive emotion）。

回到俺给你改的那最后一句上，大概更可以看得清楚一些：

Most importantly however, tasks that suit me give me a good mood that enhances my efficiency. It in turn enables me to spend that extra time on relaxing activities such as sports. (这是描述，对于个人经验的描述。虽然用词上可以看出有正面的倾向，但并没有直接对这种状况作出有任何效果之类的结论) These two benefits will ensure I stay both psychologically and physically healthy throughout my life. (这是结论：我上面说的这两样可以让我常保健康)


对于 描述 和 论证 之间的区别是写好议论文的基本功。举几个例子还是一个例子并不是根本问题，不是说举了几个例子就可以不做结论光描述或者不做描述光结论了。所谓的 充分发展 如果只是说在一个例子上多写几句描述，缺乏完整的结论的话，对读者来说依然是有头没尾。就像俺说的 起承转合 一样，起合是论证，承转是描述，对于一篇严谨完备的议论文来说两个都不可或缺，例子数量的多少并不是关键。