求好心人改作文

Jodie_310UID：2439321

TOPIC: Young people enjoy life better than the older people?

When it comes to the satisfaction of life, a large amount of people contend that older people much enjoy their life than young people, while others argue that young people understand the happiness better and that is also my point. Among countless factors which contribute to my position are the following conspicuous ones.

First and foremost, with the advent of technologically advanced society and the information explosive era, young people have more access to relax and play. All the greatest innovations, such as computers, internet, television and movies, play an important role in youth’s relaxation and enjoyment. For example, excellent movies and famous movie stars never fail to fascinate adolescence and students, every time when I watch a movie with my friends, I found at least 80 percent of audiences are young people. Since they easily accept the change of the world, they prefer to use these technologies to make their life better.

Secondly, youth’s concept of consuming is different from the older people. In order to purchase all kinds of advanced new products or entertainment spending, they crack their brain to find a more efficient and economical way to spend their money. Thus credit cards are popular among young people, which allow individuals to spend the money at first, and then turn back the money they owe to banks. By contrast, older people tend to deposit their money in banks, as it is considered the safest way to keep the money’s value, but in the end, they lose not only the chances to buy things beyond their limitation but also plentiful amusing recreation.

Matching the ways of entertainment and the consuming concept above is the change of young people’s working methods. Demanding for stronger purchase power and diversity of amusement, young people are driven to work more effectively and industriously. Hence, they advocate team spirit and coordination skills, which help them solving problems together and fulfilling better achievement. Because they do excellent performance in their jobs, they would get abundant reward like bonus or extra pay-off holidays, this will definitely make them happy.

Admittedly, young people may endure more working stress than older people due to the increasingly accelerated social pace, and many of them are taking risks about their money. However, they will have more available entertainment means, new consuming custom and effective working style, letting their life become more happier and colorful. Therefore, I reinforce my standpoint that young people will enjoy their life more than older people.

PS:本人第一次贴作文啊，12月7号就要考了，作文没怎么练过。语法错误是我的硬伤，另外就是思维狭窄，点子总不够。。
     这文章写得很拜金啊。。。我也很无奈，只能想出这么多来。写加修改花了1个多小时。。。求大虾改改啦

mpromanusUID：2565872

When it comes to the satisfaction of about life, a large amount number of people contend that older people much enjoy their lives much better than young people do, while others argue that young people understand the happiness better and that is also my point (It's weird to bury your point in other people's points. Single out your view strongly so that readers know what YOU are talking about.). Among countless factors which contribute to my position are the following conspicuous ones.

First and foremost, with the advent of a technologically advanced society and the information-explosion era (It's better to use 'era of imformation explosion'. Such is a give-away hint of direct Chinese translation), young people have more access to relaxation and play. All the greatest innovations, such as computers, the internet, television and movies, play an important role in youth’s relaxation and enjoyment. For example, excellent movies and famous movie stars never fail to fascinate the adolescent and students (How are students different from the adolescent? If they are different, do you mean adults who are students will definitely be attracted to movie stars?) , every time when I watch a movie with my friends, I found find at least 80 percent of audiences are young people. Since they easily accept the changes of the world, they prefer to use these technologies to make their life better. (Movie stars don't seem to be related to 'technologies' or 'access to relaxation'. Old people had their own movie stars or other entertainment personalities of their time. All in all this logic is absurd because it talks about technology at the beginning and at the end but the example is totally unrelated to technology.)

Secondly, youth’s concept of consumption is different from that of the older people. In order to purchase all kinds of advanced new products or entertainment spending, they crack their brains to find a more efficient and economical ways to spend their money. Thus credit cards (CCs are efficient ways to spend, but they are probably not very ecnomical ways to spend.) are popular among young people, which allow individuals to spend the money at first, and then (Using 'and then' together is not encouraged in formal writings.) turn pay back the money they owe to banks (You probably need to get the facts right: credit cards don't give people money to spend. They give people 'credits'. Spenders then pay back the credits they spent with actual money to the banks.). By contrast, older people tend to deposit their money in banks, as it is considered the safest way to keep the money’s value, but in the end, they lose not only the chances to buy things beyond their limitations (The amount of money one can afford to spend is not exactly a 'limitation' to buying power. I suggest 'their current spending power') but also plentiful amusing recreations.

Matching Following (Another suspect of direct translation) the ways of entertainment and the consuming concept above is the change of young people’s working methods. Demanding for stronger purchasing power and diversity of in amusement, young people are driven to work more effectively and industriously. Hence, they advocate team spirit and coordination skills, which help them to solve problems together and fulfilling better achievement. Because they do have excellent performance in their jobs, they would get abundant reward like bonus or extra pay-off paid holidays, this will definitely make them happy.(How does this make young people 'enjoy' life better than old people? Old people can work hard and get good pay-off if they wish to, so why are they not doing it? You've been keeping your thoughts along the 'spending to enjoy' side for too long. It's also very superficial to keep beating on the fact that young ppl tend to spend more than old ppl as if old people don't spend money at all. It's just not possible. Plus, if young people need to work so much harder for money, how can their lives be definitely more enjoyable?)

Admittedly, young people may endure more working stress than older people do due to the increasingly accelerated social pace, and many of them are taking risks about with their money. However, they will have more available entertainment means available, new consuming customs and effective working style, letting (Another suspect of direct translation. I suggest 'allow' or 'enable') their lives become more happier and more colorful. Therefore, I reinforce (This means you're going to raise new points, which you're not going to do. I suggest something like 'emphasize') my standpoint that young people will enjoy their lives more than older people.

总结:

1. 逻辑面很窄。倒不是说拜金，消费习惯的深层原因有没有深究？比如，和年轻人相比，有家庭负担和各种必要开销的中年人并不缺少购买力，但他们买的东西多半不是表面上用来enjoy life的。缺乏深层思考的表面观察，很难写出道理简单却有说服力的文章。

2. 中式词组。像working stress, social pace这类的词组，很容易看出是非英语母语者的直译，很不专业。请注意使用更道地的语言，宁可多费几个字也请避免自己随便发明词组。

Jodie_310UID：2439321

mpromanus,谢谢你这么耐心的看完了我的作文。
虽然明知道自己水平差，却还是深受打击。。。哎，对下周的考试很担忧。
我昨天写完改完就觉得这文章写得有问题，本想我应该没轮得如此之快，准备重新写一篇请你改的。。结果你动作神速呀。
另外，思路这东西不是短短几天能练好的。那现在有什么别的方法短期提高一下吗？比如看范文？

Anyway, 真的很谢谢你帮我，帮所有人改作文。Thanks a lot!

Jodie_310UID：2439321

看你的说明里写着原则上一个人一周只给看一篇。。。那我要是下周再发表篇给你看。。会不会又让你看得头晕啊~~:confused:

qqzjyUID：2141032

这么巧，我也刚写了这篇，互改一下吧
先贴上我的
楼上那位能不能也给我看看啊
谢谢各位
Presently, there is a controversial issue about whether young people enjoy life more than older people. Depending on their distinct backgrounds and personal experiences, different people hold different views. Some maintain that young people are so energetic and highly educated that they can easily enjoy their life more than old ones . Others, including me, fundamentally disagree with this statement. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide concrete evidences to support my viewpoint.

The first and the fore most reason is that the old have more time and money for enjoying their lives. Once there was a research asking senior citizens how they made their daily life more colorful after retiring from work. As a result, the answers were also colorful: some of them chose to go traveling all over the world, others preferred to take part in the activities held by their community to make many new friends, still others favored to develop their hobbies, such as painting and dancing. After several years' hard work, the old now usually have accumulate enough money to lead a more enjoyable life; meanwhile, they have lots of time. On the other hand, young people are always quite busy at work to support themselves or their families. Hence, how can they spend a year time traveling to the other side of the world?

What is also worth noticing is that the young have so heavy burden on them that they can hardly enjoy their life. Since the world is rapidly changing and modern life has become more complicated, many young people must work long hours just to provide themselves with the basics. There is a saying that new kinds of diseases have developed, created by the complexity of modern life. Stress is one such "illness" and most of the young are suffering from it. Meanwhile, contrasting to the rigid and full schedule of the young people, the senior’s lives always consist of enjoying sunlight, walking a dog, dancing waltz. Then how can we still saying the young enjoy life more than the old?

Admittedly, young people may have received higher education than their parents, and may have more entertainments, including rock-climbing and bungee jumping, which are too exciting for the old to participate in. However, this does not mean they have enough time to relax themselves, or, to some extent, they can afford these costly activities. Therefore, this alone does not provide sufficient support to than they can enjoy life more.

To sum up, due to the reasons mentioned, which sometimes correlate with each other to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any single one of them, we can safely reach the conclusion that the old enjoy life more than the young.

qqzjyUID：2141032

首先申明我很菜
第一遍看完，也是觉得消费观有问题，其实我刚开始也想写这个方面的，不过感觉很难，就是说从消费观念引出享受生活，感觉有点，怎么说呢，存钱可能对于他们来说就是享受生活呢对不对，你在该段末尾有很明显的倾向，说老年人这是不好不对的，我个人觉得好像过了点。
细节的东西那位牛人都给指出了
然后看了你的文章，我反而觉得我的有点离题了
你看了什么感觉但说无妨。

Jodie_310UID：2439321

Presently, there is a controversial issue about whether young people enjoy life more than older people. Depending on their distinct backgrounds and personal experiences, different people hold different views. Some maintain that young people are so energetic and highly educated that they can easily enjoy their life more than old ones . Others, including me, fundamentally disagree with this statement. In the following discussion, I would like to reason and provide concrete evidences to support my viewpoint.

正如楼上牛牛所说，观点一定要单独摆出来，我也觉得很有道理。

dA-\F2J0A.bThe first and the fore most reason is that （建议改成，first and foremost, 直接接后面。因为昨天不记得看谁的帖子，说是每句TS要精简，不需要用复杂句，能明了意思就够。）the old have more time and money for enjoying their lives. Once there was a research asking senior citizens how they made their daily life more colorful after retiring from work. As a result, the answers were also colorful: some of them chose to go traveling all over the world, others preferred to take part in the activities held by their communities to make many new friends, still others favored to develop their hobbies, such as painting and dancing. After several years' hard work, the old now usually have accumulated enough money to lead a more enjoyable life; meanwhile, they have lots of time. On the other hand, (这里应该改成by contrast 之类的，因为on one hand , one the other hand是同一个论点的两个方面，而不是说明相反观点的）young people are always quite busy at work（be busy doing,are always quite busy doing their jobs?我不确定） to support themselves or their families. Hence, how can they spend a year time in traveling to the other side of the world?}ze ^[%p4^"D

What is also worth noticing is that the young have so heavy burden on them that they can hardly enjoy their life. Since the world is rapidly changing and modern life has become more complicated, many young people must work long hours just to provide themselves with the basics. (这与前面的工作忙，要负担自己和家庭是不是有点重复呢？）There is a saying that new kinds of diseases have developed, created by the complexity of modern life. Stress is one such "illness" and most of the young are suffering from it. Meanwhile, contrasting to the rigid and full schedule of the young people, the senior’s lives always consist of enjoying sunlight, walking a dog, dancing waltz. Then how can we still saying the young enjoy life more than the old?Q%`iS"L7zAdmittedly, young people may have received higher education than their parents, （这个和enjoyment的联系是否也要点明下？）and may have more entertainments, including rock-climbing and bungee jumping, which are too exciting for the old to participate in. However, this does not mean they have enough time to relax themselves, or, to some extent, they can afford these costly activities. Therefore, this alone does not provide sufficient support to than they can enjoy life more.
&l5p ETo sum up, due to the reasons mentioned, which sometimes correlate with each other to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any single one of them, （看到这话有点晕。。。是模板不？）we can safely reach the conclusion that the old enjoy life more than the young.


你看了我的文章就知道我底子有多差。还叫我帮你看看，太抬举我了~
我觉得你基础不错啊，至少没有语法错误。可能如果要提高的话，句式什么的还可以多变一点，而且你中间两段都用的对比论证，如果有时间，可以把其中一个修改一下。
其他问题我看不出来了，请高人指点吧。

本来早就要睡了，突然发现有人回帖，头脑发晕中帮你改的:eek:

mpromanusUID：2565872

3/4楼：这个，如果让你觉得受打击了，实在是不好意思哦。。俺只是改，没有意思要贬低任何人的能力，只是的确如你所说，思路这个东西短期内不容易练，况且现在国内的普遍现象是不缺想法缺深度，那就更不容易在一两天练出了。。俺是建议多看wikipedia（国内好像上不去，但是可以用代理。。）。如果就语言风格和讨论的深度来说，wikipedia是相当专业的。为什么不推荐美国杂志呢，因为那上面各个专栏作者有自己的风格，而且评论的好恶性会比较明显，如果不是已经对写作风格有相当的判断能力，有可能会学到不专业的东西。。如果要看范文的话，也请尽量看母语为英语的人写的文章。。

另外技巧方面就是练习brainstorming。怎么说呢，请不要焦虑吧，持之以恒的练习不管对考试还是对以后的阅读写作都是有长远的好处的。一周一篇是不要紧的，俺不介意写成什么样子。。:)

5楼：不好意思，求改作文还要麻烦你到俺的作文铺子去排队。。谢谢理解~

Jodie_310UID：2439321

刚在google上找了下，好像wiki可以上了，至少我就打开了中文版的。。google里另外还有文章好像是写的wiki在中国解封。
这个wiki是百科啊。。。有讲动物的，图片的，还有历史上的今天。。。它还包括对一些事件的分析，评述么？

mpromanusUID：2565872

9楼：是，wiki是 所有人可以自由编辑 的线上百科全书。搜索历史事件或者文化人物之类的通常就可以看到一些分析评论（不过与其说是 分析评论 不如说是 对分析评论的描述 啦。。）。中文维基现在还比较落后，但英文wiki已经比较成熟了，主要看的是它的文字风格，偏重写实、简洁、言之有物不说废话，俺个人觉得是对formal writing的风格还有写作素材的积累帮助比较大，因为百科等于是收集了各个方面的讯息放在一起给你看。不过这些文章不侧重于讲道理（但是像Newsweek这种反华杂志就更谈不上讲道理了。。），清楚地阐述逻辑的能力是需要另外训练的，这个其实应该去看专门讲议论文写作训练的内容，google上搜一下argumentative essay就有。

不过如果很快就要考试了还是专心看范文吧。。看太多理论的东西没有什么实际的用途。等考完了想练再看也来得及~

qqzjyUID：2141032

谢谢你
首先最后那段那句，是模板， 我也觉得有点怪。。。
我一直很头疼句式问题，但是写的时候就是写不出来
有没有什么建议啊

Jodie_310UID：2439321

这要看你时间充不充裕，如果马上要考了，就背几个你惯用的句式。稍微有点变化就行了。
时间长的话，经常看些托福的阅读文章，或者只要是国外那些人写的文章，你就多看看，发现好点的句式就抄下来，然后自己默写。这个我不知道有用没，我没试过，是上新东方时一老师强烈推荐的

qqzjyUID：2141032

我还有半个月就考了。。。相当无语啊。。。
也不知道能背些什么

liuweizt1UID：2570080

I can not understand your meaning. I think you use some translating softwire to write your compostition. In fact, it won't improve your writing. I advise you to recite some typical samples, which usually is useful for people have weak English grammar.

Jodie_310UID：2439321

可是我现在觉得思路比语法更重要了。。。现在我的状态叫写作难产。。。想半天想不出观点。悲哀啊