【12月-1月IBT综合备考大帖】之【TWE作文】第3次作文接2次作业下

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
`eFI)wW-abbs.gter.net有人认为生活的成功来自冒险或机遇。 有些人认为来自精密的计划。 成功来自何处？
M;sdZE2u7x交作业时间：12月4日晚9：00前bbs.gter



Every person in this society, will want to be successful for their unique goals. That is to say, she or he wants to be self confident of her or his either big or small tasks. Each task added will lead to the big success. In my opinion, if you want to succeed in your daily or your whole life, you should characterize your goals at first, then try your best to conquer them. Then the chances will come to you almost every day.

First, the success comes from one's targeted goals. Almost every great person will has a long and great goal for the whole life. And during different stage of their life, they will set different but very clear tasks for the particular period. Such as some great man all over the world, Chinese former premier Zhou Enlai, during his study on middle school, he had set a great and long future goal that studying for the grow up of China. Certainly, he carried out this goal all his life. Also, he usually told the other people that we should seize the important tasks and characterize the difference of the most important and the lest important things in our daily life. Thus, you can know that how important the clear goal for one's successful in life or work.

Second, the true success of your life also contains your hard work toward the goals you set for yourself. Certainly, you must do some thing for your goals. And the deed is always important than the words you speak. Thus, when you set a goal for your life or one period of your life, you must carefully make your plan and to make it become industrious work and then you will make progress for your great and clear goals you set by yourself. You can image that when one person said that he or she wants to have a good score in the test of one semester or academic year, but not only during the common class time did one not pay the full attention to the important information from the professor, but also before the final examination the person had not review the knowledge he or she obtained in the daily class. What you can saw about this person, he or she must failed in getting the high scores and one must pay for the lost of the uneffort work he or she should prepare well usually.

Last but least, when you set up a clear goal, your good friends will help you to make you come true your tasks. And there will be a lot of chances for you to take, you will make the great goals to be come true at last. Therefore, a clear goal and enough preparation for the task and you will benefit from this at last.

To sum up, if you want to succeed in your life, you must set your goals at first, then try your best to fulfill the targeted goals. And the variety of chances will come to you automatically and aid you to conquer every difficult circumstance that in front of your journey toward your success.


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[ 本帖最后由 aesrevoylf 于 2008-12-6 19:36 编辑 ]

ock11UID: 2510283

Every person in this society, will want to be successful for theirhis or her 前面是单数，这里要一致 unique此词不恰当，可以去掉 goals. That is to say, she or he wants to be self -confident of her or his either big or small tasks. （这句看不懂）Each task added ？will lead to the big success. In my opinion, if you want to succeed in your daily or your whole life, you should characterize your goals at first, then try your best to conquerachieve them. Then the chances success will come to you almost every day.

First, the success comes from one's targeted goals. Almost every great person will has a long enduring and great goal for the in her or his whole life. And during different stage of their life,(前面用的是单数) they will set different but very clear tasks for the particular period. Such as Like some great mans all overin the world, Chinese former premier Zhou Enlai, during his study on middle school, he had set a great and long future goal that studying for the grow up ? of China. Certainly, he carried out this goal all his life. Also, he usually told the other people that we should seize ? the important tasks and characterize the difference of the most important and the least important things in our daily life. Thus, you can know that how important the clear goal for one's successful in life or work. t7|%D~^)N*u

Second, the true success of your life also contains your hard work toward the goals you set for yourself. Certainly, you must do some thing for your goals. And Alsothe deed act is always important than the words you speak. Thus, when you set a goal for your life or one period of your life, you must carefully make your plan and to make it become industrious work? and then you will make progress for your great and clear goals you set by yourself. You can image imagine that when one person said that he or she wants (时态要一致)to have a good score in the test of one semester or academic year, but not only during the common class time did one not pay the full attention to the important informations from the professor, but also before the final examination the person had not review the knowledge he or she obtained studied in the daily class. What can you can saw about this person, ? he or she must failed in getting the high scores and one must pay for the lost of the uneffort ? work he or she should prepare well usually.(这段计划好像讲的不多)

Last but least, when you set up a clear goal, your good friends will help you to make you come true  attain your tasks. And there will be a lot of chances for you to take, (这句有问题)you will make the great goals to be come true at last. Therefore, with a clear goal and enough preparation for the task and, you will benefit from this at last. bbs.gter.netac/s'V[(`A$Kw1G

To sum up, if you want to succeed in your life, you must set your goals at first, then try your best to fulfill the targeted goals. And the variety of chances will come to you automatically and aid you to conquer handle every difficult circumstance that in front of your journey toward your success.

1.有激情，我喜欢。
2.语法和词汇错误不少，多加练习。
3.论证再细致一点，加一些过渡句。

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

多谢了，我再好好改一下:) :handshake

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

对不起楼主，我真是昨天11点多到的家。大四毕业快要死了……希望没有耽误你复习。下面是我改的东西

友情提示：*/0是去掉的意思，因为word里的删除线好像在帖子里显示不出来

Every person in this society, will want to be successful (success, successful是形容词) for/in their unique goals. That is to say, she or he （s/he这样用就可以了，不会用的话好好看看OG和Barron的范文，不然单用He也未尝不可）wants to be self confident of her or his either big or small tasks（你都已经是his/her了，为什么还用self confident?）. Each task added/add will lead to the big success(中文痕迹出来了……难怪楼上不明白……按照我猜的你的意思，我建议改为the accumulation of every single task will lead to big success). In my opinion, if you want to succeed in your daily or your whole life（最后的点评我会说到，这样是啰嗦的写法，直接说In your life. 这样它既可以daily也可以指entire life）, you should characterize(这用法很诡异，直接导致我没看懂……) your goals at/0 first, then try your best to conquer them. Then the chances/0 will come to you almost every day/0.

First/firstly下同, the/0success comes from one's targeted(不确定能不能这么用) goals. Almost every great person will has(will have) long and great(同上文or的解释) goal for the whole life. And/and不是一个放在居首的词，虽然语法没错误，但是老外不这么用。Moreover, furthermore, etc. during different stages of their life, they will set different but very clear tasks(同or) for the（你这里没有特定说明某一个时期，泛指不用定冠词） particular period. Such as some great man all over the world,（加了such as使这句话和下句话在语法上没有任何联系），like Chinese former premier Zhou Enlai,/. during his study on/ when he was studying middle school , he had set a great and long future goal that studying for the grow up/rising (grow up是成长，你是想说为了中华崛起吧……) of China. Certainly, he carried out this goal all his life. Also, he usually told the/0 other people that we should seize the/0 important tasks and characterize the difference of the most important and the lest important things in our daily life. (跑句) Thus, you can know that how important the clear goal for one's successful in life or work.

Second, the true success of your life also contains your hard work toward the goals you set for yourself. Certainly, you must do some thing for your goals. And the deed is always important than the words you speak. （这里句子又太短了，试着合并一下） Thus, when you set a goal for your life or one period of your life, you must carefully make your plan and to make it become industrious work，and then you will make progress for your great and clear goals you set by yourself. （你试着读一下你的这一段，前面半句话喘一口气，后面两句话喘一口，是不是感觉很别扭？要控制好文章的节奏。）You can image(image是图像,imagine) that when one person said that he or she wants to have a good score in the test of one semester or academic year, but not only during the common class time did one（指代不明）not pay the/0 full attention to the important information from the professor, but also before the final examination the person had not/did not review the knowledge he or she obtained in the daily class. What you can saw about this person, he or she must failed in getting the high scores and one must pay for the lost of the uneffort(这个绝对是你造出来的，pay for the result that he didn’t work hard) work he or she should prepare well usually.(这段你应该是完全照着中文的思路写出来的, 我也不知道怎么给你整理了，请试着合并一些思想。毕竟你是在举例子，用越简单的话说明道理最好。如果是我写，我会说“如果一个学生平时上课作业都不用功，甚至到临考也不复习，那么他会为他的行为付出代价，这是他定了目标但没有为之努力的结果。”我转述了你的意思，你看出来跑题了么？)

Last but least,(last? Least？Last but not least) when you set up a clear goal, your good friends will help you to make you come true your tasks. And there will be a lot of chances for you to take/seize, you will make the great goals to be come true at last.（这句话在重复上一句） Therefore, a clear goal and enough preparation for the task and you will benefit from this at last. （论证不够有力）

To sum up, if you want to succeed in your life, you must set your goals at first, then try your best to fulfill the targeted goals. And the variety of chances will come to you automatically and aid/help you to conquer every difficult circumstance that in front of your journey toward your success.



阅后感想：
1. 还是切题的问题。例子不错，但是题目要求的是你认为成功靠计划还是靠机遇和冒险，不是问你为了达到成功的目标应该怎么办。处理题目的时候应该更谨慎。
2. 不要尝试把每种话都说全，在楼主的这篇文章里有很多不必要的‘or/and’,（希望你不是用来凑字的，呵呵）即使你不说读者也会明白你在表达一种普遍情况，说全了反而是画蛇添足。一两次不明显，但是全文都这样读者就崩溃了。
3.文章fragments 和run-on sentences 较多。
4.对有些形似词语的理解不够透彻

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

Agree or disagree, Newspapers can truly help people understand world events. Television news doesn’t provide enough information.
交作业时间：12月6日晚9：00前

I do agree with that newspapers can truly help people understand world events, while I do not agree with that the television news can not provide enough information. Nowadays both of the newspaper and the TV are very important media for masses of people to get abound of information, and they both can help people understand the world well.

First, a lot of information comes from the newspaper and the TV television. Nowadays, variety of newspapers and various kinds of TV programs are circling our living circumference. So, no matter which media you are using, you can get the most updated news and the enough kinds of information. If you want to get some improvement of your cooking, just find out the program list published on the newspapers or on the internet, and wait for the TV program about cooking exposition, you can get a lot. Or, you can just dial the phones of the cooking schools advertised on the newspaper, and then you can get an access to the cooking school to learn a lot of skills. That is also applicable for the computer education and the houses decorate. No mention about the society and states events, both the TV and the newspaper can tell you a lot.

Second, both the newspaper and TV can provide society people to understand the world events very well. A series of the events reporting and the commentator article can provide you very detailed and expertise analyze. Such as the relationship between two countries, a series article of the development of the relationship can make people know the history and the current situation and the future. Certainly, this is also can be acquired from the TV history programs. Through the talking between the host and invited well known history scholars, you can understand the events thoroughly and more easily.

The last but not least, some time the TV will provide more information than the newspapers. Although the newspaper can provide us a great many of information, in the other situation, such as the live program the TV will give the society more information than the newspaper. For instance, the live TV program of the Chinese Shenzhen 6th and 7th space exploration project can tell you so much information that any other media can not describe very well.  

In sum, both the newspapers and TV can provide our society abundant information and help us to know the world events well.

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[ 本帖最后由 aesrevoylf 于 2008-12-6 19:38 编辑 ]

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

非常感谢您的批改，
受感动，多向您学习，:) :handshake
大家一块加油哈

泡面UID: 2513568

I do agree with(省去) that newspapers can truly help people understand world events, while I do not agree with （省去） that the（省去） television news can not provide enough information. Nowadays both of the （省去） newspaper and the TV are very important media for masses of people to get abound （abundant abound为动词） of information, and they both can help people understand the world well.
­

First, a lot of information comes from the newspaper and the TV television. Nowadays, variety of newspapers and various kinds of TV programs are circling our living circumference （circumstance, circumference意为圆周长）. So, no matter which media you are using, you can get the most updated news and the enough kinds of information. （For example）  If you want to get some improvement of (in)  your cooking, just find out the program list published on the newspapers or on the internet, and wait for the TV program about cooking exposition, you can get (learn or obtain) a lot. Or, you can just dial the phones of the cooking schools advertised on the newspaper, and then you can get an access to the cooking school to learn a lot of (a lot of 出现频率过高，可以换成many or some other phrases) skills. That (指代不清) is also applicable for the computer education and the houses decorate (decoration). No mention （有没有这个说法？） about the society and states events, both the TV and the newspaper can tell you a lot.
Second, both the newspaper and TV can provide society(可以不要) people  to understand the world events very well. A series of the events reporting（reports） and the commentator article (articles) can provide you very detailed and expertise (expert, expertise意为专业知识) analyze. Such as the relationship between two countries, a series article （articles） of the development of the relationship can make people know the history and the current situation and the future. Certainly, this is （省去） also can be acquired from the TV history programs. Through the talking between the host and invited （guest who are）  well known history (不一定是history scholar 吧？) scholars , you can understand the events thoroughly and more easily.

The last but not least（Last but not the least）, some time (sometimes) the TV will provide more information than the newspapers (do). Although the newspaper can provide us a great many of information, in the other situation, such as the live program the TV will give the society more information than the newspaper (do). For instance, the live TV program of the Chinese Shenzhen 6th and 7th space exploration project can tell you so much information that any other media can not describe very well.          j Q2V:WN*A

1.   有些词语用法不准确
2.    个别句子重复过多
3.    第四段开头几句没有把下面的例子正确的引出来
4.    例子引用的不错，但是语言组织不够

aesrevoylfUID: 2442700

多谢了，楼主，我还得加油！
希望继续多多拍砖...:) :handshake