iBT 12月-1月综合备考系列活动之【TWE写作】 第二次作业

ock11UID: 2510283

第二次作业：
Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

有人认为生活的成功来自冒险或机遇。有些人认为来自精密的计划。 成功来自何处？
Hardly can a person succeed in life only by luck. Generally speaking, a person must have real abilities if he or she wants to attain success in life. Then how can a person obtain real abilities? Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge would contribute to his or her this goal. Then how can a person obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge? I think that careful planning is a good way. Thus, I believe that success can comes from careful planning.

Firstly, careful planning can help people to gain profound thoughts, which will probably make people to succeed. If people can understand nature, society and human beings deeply, if people can understand all things of the world profoundly, they can obtain keen insight of all kinds of things in the world, and thus they can find a lot of valuable things, which contribute to their success. For example, in Internet Industry, some people found some promising business opportunities several years earlier than others by deep understanding of the industry and far-reaching vision and gain great success consequently. Then, how can people obtain profound thoughts? A careful planning is an effective method. People may plan carefully the following things: what kind of books should they read? How much time should they spend in thinking. All these are helpful for people to gain profound thoughts. Success will come soon after people gain profound thoughts.

Secondly, careful planning is conducive for people to master a broad range of knowledge, which will probably bring people success. If people master a broad range of knowledge, they are more likely to get success than others. For example, Bertrand Russell, a prominent scholar, who attains great success by his extensive knowledge. He majors in mathematics, but he has obtained tremendous accomplishments in philosophy and history. Owing to his knowledge in mathematics, he introduced mathematics into philosophy, and founded analytic philosophy. Owing to his knowledge in history, he introduced social history into history of philosophy, and wrote the outstanding work: A History of Western Philosophy.Comprehensive knowledge will help greatly people to obtain success. Then, how can people gain a broad range of knowledge? A careful planning is also a good way. People may arrange their schedules in detail. How much kinds of books will they read? How much books will they read in a year? People can reach their targets through a careful planning. All these are helpful for people to gain a broad range of knowledge. Success will come soon after people gain these knowledge.

If people want to succeed in life, luck has merely a little bit influence, and real abilities of people are the most important. Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge of people would contribute to make them to gain real abilities. A careful planning is helpful for people to obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge. Therefore, I believe that success can comes from careful planning.



[ 本帖最后由 ock11 于 2008-12-4 21:05 编辑 ]

泡面UID: 2513568

Hardly can a person succeed in life only by luck. Generally speaking, a person must have real abilities if he or she wants to attain success in life. Then how can a person obtain real abilities? Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge would contribute to his or her this （？）goal. Then how can a person obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge? I think that careful planning is a good way. Thus, I believe that success can（不需要） comes from careful planning.
Firstly, careful planning can help people to gain profound thoughts, which will probably make people to succeed. If people can understand nature, society and human beings deeply,(少连接词) if people can understand all things of the world profoundly, they can obtain keen insight of all kinds of things in the world, and thus they can find a lot of valuable things, which （will）contribute to their success. For example, in Internet Industry, some people found some promising business opportunities several years earlier than others by deep understanding of the industry and far-reaching vision and gain great success consequently. Then, how can people obtain profound thoughts? A careful planning is an effective method. People may plan carefully the following things: what kind of books should they read? How much time should they spend in thinking? All these are helpful for people to gain profound thoughts. Success will come soon after people gain (have gained) profound thoughts.

Secondly, careful planning is conducive for people to master a broad range of knowledge, which will probably bring people success. If people master a broad range of knowledge, they are more likely to get success than others. For example, Bertrand Russell, a prominent scholar, who attains great success by his extensive knowledge (knowledge). He majors in mathematics, but he has obtained tremendous accomplishments in philosophy and history. Owing to his knowledge in mathematics, he introduced mathematics into philosophy, and founded analytic philosophy. Owing to his knowledge in history, he introduced social history into history of philosophy, and wrote the outstanding work: A History of Western Philosophy. Comprehensive knowledge will help greatly (to) people to obtain success. Then, how can people gain a broad range of knowledge? A careful planning is also a good way. People may arrange their schedules in detail. How much (many) kinds of books will they read? How much (many) books will they read in a year? People can reach their targets through a careful planning. All these are helpful for people to gain a broad range of knowledge. Success will come soon after people gain these (knowledge不可数) knowledge.

If people want to succeed in life, luck has merely a little bit influence, and real abilities of people are the most important. Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge of people would contribute to make （making） them to gain real abilities. A careful planning is helpful for people to obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge. Therefore, I believe that success can(应省去) comes from careful planning

1，         整篇文章较为流畅，只是中间有那么几个句子重复太多。可以换句式，换种说法。
2，         有个别语法错误，已经标出
3，         内容不够充实，缺少例证
4，         最后一段结尾时应有总结性词语。（in conclusion, in summarize之类的）

[ 本帖最后由 泡面 于 2008-12-5 18:45 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Hardly can a person succeed in life only by luck (This didn't appear anywhere directly in the question, therefore your readers won't know where you are trying to lead them to by such an opening.). Generally speaking, a person must have real abilities if he or she wants to attain success in life. Then how can a person obtain real abilities then? Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge would contribute to his or her to reaching this goal. Then how can a person obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge? (这个句式前面刚刚用过。。排比在议论文里是很浪费字数又没有什么实际意义的修辞，更何况是自问自答的排比，基本上是废的。。) I think that careful planning is a good way. Thus, I believe that success can (By saying this, your underlying meaning is that success CAN ALSO come from taking chances or other means..which means you didn't really take a stand. A declaration of intention should be decisive.) comes from careful planning.

Firstly, careful planning can help people to gain profound thoughts, which will probably (Again, such a word only shows you're not determined about your own arguments.) make people to succeed. If people can understand nature (If you mean the natural environment, it should be 'Nature'.), societies and human beings deeply, if people can understand all things of the world profoundly, they can obtain keen insights of all kinds of things in the world, (Doesn't this mean the same thing as 'understand deeply'?) and thus they can find a lot of valuable things, which contribute to their success. For example, in the Internet Industry, some people found some promising business opportunities several years earlier than others by deep understanding of the industry and far-reaching vision, and gain great success consequently. (This is not an 'specific' example. If you say 'The founders of Google saw that a revolutionary search engine would be what people need in the future', that's called a specific example.) Then, how can people obtain profound thoughts? A careful planning is an effective method. People may plan carefully the following things: what kind of books should they read? How much time should they spend in thinking? (Use plain, descriptive sentences instead of questions. Questions cost more words and are very taxing on readers - which you wouldn't want to do because your examiners are already under a lot of pressure.) All these are helpful for people to gain profound thoughts. Success will come soon after people gain profound thoughts. (I still don't get how 'profound thoughts' lead to success after all your arguments. Understanding something profoundly and having visions are entirely different capabilities. Many successful people have both, but they are not necessarily correlated.)

Secondly, careful planning is conducive for people to master a broad range of knowledge, which will probably bring people success. If people master a broad range of knowledge, they are more likely to get success than others (You're repeating the same point with different sentences. That is an indication that you don't have solid, powerful arguments for your points.). For example, Bertrand Russell, a prominent scholar, who attains great success by his extensive knowledge (Incomplete sentence). He majors in mathematics, but he has obtained tremendous accomplishments in philosophy and history. Owing to (This is normally used in bad situations and has a rather negative intonation.) his knowledge in mathematics, he introduced mathematics into philosophy, and founded analytic philosophy. Owing to his knowledge in history, he introduced social history into history of philosophy, and wrote the outstanding work: A History of Western Philosophy.Comprehensive knowledge will greatly help greatly people to obtain success. Then, how can people gain a broad range of knowledge? A careful planning is also a good way. People may arrange their schedules in detail. How much many kinds of books will they read? How much many books will they read in a year? People can reach their targets through a careful planning. All these are helpful for people to gain a broad range of knowledge. Success will come soon after people gain these such knowledge. (The whole part from the 'How can people gain...' part to the end of the paragraph looks surprisingly familiar to the same part in the previous paragraph. This should hint you that you didn't really have two independent, separate points of argument at all: all you had on the question was one direction and one perspective - people should carefully plan what they read - and you've been trying to squeeze different juices out of the same lemon.)

If people want to succeed in life, luck has merely a little ('little' used in this way has a negative tone - translates to 几乎没有) bit influence, and real abilities of people are the most important. Profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge of people would contribute to make them to gain real abilities. A careful planning is helpful for people to obtain profound thoughts and a broad range of knowledge. Therefore, I believe that success can comes from careful planning.

总结：

你要学会用议论文的语言风格写议论文。。而不是用广告语的风格写议论文。。

另外就是整篇的论点非常弱。如文中所提，你实际上只有一个很窄的论点，然后非常努力地把这个论点和题目连到一起。当面对一个题目的时候，请不要采用这样的思考方式：成功 - 怎么才能成功 - careful planning和我所想说的怎么才能成功有什么关系，因为这说白了就是往题目的一个关键字上凑。。正确的思考方式是这样：成功来自careful planning - careful planning对成功有什么帮助 - careful planning对能让人成功的方面有什么帮助。请注意在这种思考方式里主体关键字是carefully planning+成功，而不是只是 成功。