请狠拍……

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

写的非常属于睡眠状态……以后要改成早上写作文……

Do you think life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when your grandparents were children?

       When people retrospect the past, they always like to compare past with present. Many people argue that modernization in fact making our life become more complex and hard. On the contrary, I would like to hold the opposite view that life nowadays is easier and more comfortable that the past days. Thanks to the development of technology and globalization, we have a better transportation, medical and education system nowadays than we used to have.
       Transportation system has been greatly changed within several decades. In the past, few people own private vehicles and greatly rely on buses. Bus system was not good enough during that time, only some big cities and towns owned few routines. Due to lacking of communication, traveling between countries was very rare, even domestic traveling was not often to see. Most high-ways were not constructed yet, people travel from place to place can only rely on trains or even foots. However, various system now available for people to travel to anywhere. The development of subway and high-way significantly reduced our time on the road. Besides, whether public transportation or private cars, people now can enjoy soft seats, entertainment programs even delicious foods on their way to a certain place. Comparing with things in the past, our life is more convenient and comfortable now.
       Moreover, the healthcare quality has surpassed the past. In the past, the medical resources were very limited, and condition was relatively poor. This phenomenon can be inferred from people's life length. Nowadays, people live much longer than before. Furthermore, many people died in the past because of fatal disease like pneumonia which at present are not incurable anymore. Thanks to the development of technology, medical system today is not only focus on modern treatment, but combining with traditional methods like punctuation which provides more possibilities to cure people. Although some people may doubt that the modern society can create more disease than before, I still believe as the development of technology, the standard of medical system can be further improved.
       In addition, we as younger generation benefit from the modern world by receiving a higher education quality than before. In the past, both the teaching method and the teaching material are rather limited. The relationship between different academic fields is isolated. However, globalization bring us more chances to further attempt different field and communicate with people from other parts of the world. More and more students choose to study abroad to widen their horizon and pursuit a deep knowledge in their interested areas. The knowledge in the world has been effectively integrated.
       In sum, although problem is still remaining, we cannot neglect the fact that people do live a better life they used to have. Seeing from any aspect, whether through transportation, medical system or education, life is easier and comfortable than the era of our grandparents.


[ 本帖最后由 aphasiafifi 于 2008-12-7 23:22 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID: 2565872

When people retrospect the past (retrospect已经有look back into the past的意思，不需要重复。另外retrospect通常作名词不做动词。), they always like to compare the past with the present. Many people argue that modernization in fact makes our life become more complex and harder. On the contrary, I would like to hold the opposite view that life nowadays is easier and more comfortable than life in the past days. Thanks to the development of technology and globalization, we have a better transportation, medical and education system nowadays than we used to have.

The Transportation system has been greatly changed within several decades. In the past, few people own private vehicles and the public (你把这句话补完整问题就出来了。。few people own private vehicles and (few people) grealy relied on buses? Please keep your subject in mind when you continue a sentence with a different clause.) greatly relied on buses. (Bus is not the only mode of public transportation. If you wish to discuss 'the transportation system', it's better to make sure your knowledge is wide enough to cover this big topic, at least to a reasonable percentage.) The Bus system was not good enough during that time, only some big cities and towns owned few routines. Due to lacking of communication, traveling between countries was very rare, even domestic traveling was not often to seen. Most high-ways were not constructed yet, people travelling from place to place could only rely on trains or even foots feet. However, various systems are now available for people to travel to anywhere. The development of subways and high-ways significantly reduced our time on the roads. Besides, whether in public transportation or private cars, people now can enjoy soft seats, entertainment programs even delicious foods on their way to a certain place. Comparing with things in the past, our life is more convenient and comfortable now.

Moreover, the quality of healthcare quality has surpassed the past. In the past, the medical resources were very limited, and conditions (conditions of what?) were relatively poor. This phenomenon can be inferred from people's life length expectancy. Nowadays, people live much longer than before. Furthermore, many people died in the past because of fatal diseases like pneumonia, which at present are not incurable anymore. Thanks to the development of technology, medical system today is not only focusing on modern treatments, but also on combining modern treatments? with traditional methods like punctuation acupuncture which provides more possibilities to cure people. Although some people may doubt that the modern society can create induce more diseases than before (If you doubt something, you don't believe it - so this sentence means people don't believe that the modern society can create more diseases, which I guess is opposite to what you actually intend to say.), I still believe that as the development of technology continues, the standard of the medical system can be further improved.(How does this prove your point that life today is easier and more comfortable?)

In addition, we as a younger generation benefit from the modern world by receiving an education of higher education quality than before. In the past, both the teaching methods and the teaching materials are rather limited. The relationship between different academic fields is are isolated (If things are isolated, they don't have a relationship.). However, globalization bring us more chances to further attempt different fields and communicate with people from other parts of the world. More and more students choose to study abroad to widen their horizons and pursuit a deep in-depth knowledge in their interested areas of their interests. The knowledge in the world has been effectively integrated. (Same question: how does this prove your point?)

In sum, although problems is still remaining (remain已经含有still的意思了), we cannot neglect the fact that people do live a better life than they used to have. Seeing from any aspect, whether through transportation, medical system or education, life is easier and more comfortable than in the era of our grandparents.

总结：

语言方面还是有些不地道。请注意动词时态。另外每一段的结尾请记得点题。第二段的段尾点题不错，后面的两段就没点。

另外回答你的问题：虽然可能会打击你，但是写文章就是要保证列完提纲之后80%的东西 - 至少是你想用的句型和词汇 - 都在脑子里，剩下20%是例子的细节之类，而且最主要的是你要知道你想用的东西应该怎么用，然后你要有信心能把你想用的东西用对用好。。这么说吧，你应该不会不准备大部分的段子，还对自己想说的东西没有信心，就去参加微软的面试吧？对付作文的道理是一样的。。

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

谢谢您的批改
每次看您改的我就觉得差距啊差距……

我觉得我的问题主要还是思路不清楚……时间又紧迫 所以可能会有想到哪儿写到哪儿 ORZ
落差太大 一会儿好一会儿坏的
如果思路不清楚的话语法错误也会跟着double。。。。
很多时候都是写完了然后觉得:啊，其实那个角度写比这个角度写好……

很郁闷啊

[ 本帖最后由 aphasiafifi 于 2008-12-9 21:42 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID: 2565872

3楼: 这个问题俺以前也有的，所以不必气馁，是可以克服的。俺的老师说，作文的时候当然要先追求列出很好的提纲，但就算一时失察，提纲不很完美，也切忌心慌。列好提纲就要严格按照提纲写，不贪多，不少写。你在写的过程中就算突然想到了一个绝好的点子，但是需要临时变招，再加上考试的时间限制和心理紧张因素，能100%确定会比你一早就准备好的提纲写得更好吗？按照俺的经验来看基本上不太可能。相反，按照提纲好好地完成一篇文章，会让你有更多的成就感 - 注重你能完成的东西，而不是你没完成的东西。小心谨慎地计划，但一旦计划定下，就应该专注于实现它，心无旁骛 - 这个方法其实不仅对于考试，对很多事情都很有效。

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

很有启发 非常感谢您
下周会再让您看看我改进了没有
辛苦了