请大家拍文，谢谢

水樱樱木UID: 2342479

本人12.21考试，这是做kaplan模考时的一篇独立写作，是限时完成的，单词错误都改过了
后来读的时候感觉写的是不是偏题了，而且不像是tofel 的风格，不知道这样可不可以，希望指点一下，谢谢:handshake 拍文必回
What are some of the experiences that have shaped your outlook and the way you live now?
With the advent of my 25th birthday, I have lived in this world for a quarter century. In this period of growth, my outlook of the world, aesthetic tastes, the altitude towards life are all changed step by step. When I was a little child, I thought the world just go around me which leaded to my characteristic of ego-centric, selfishness. After years' study and work outside, my view shaped gradually, and that guided me how to live in this world. All these changes are influenced by my families, teachers and friends around me.  The family taught me to responsible for myself and acted as a civilized person. My father was a person who is strict with himself but tolerate to others. Once a time, a project that managed both by my father and an uncle was happened to be wrong. My father admitted the mistake by himself when he knew about the situation. Then I learned if you have made a mistake, you ought to brave to admit it and be responsible for yourself. In addition, I learned I should polite to the elder and be a civilized person. The way my father do and behavior influenced me very much and gave me a primary outlook.   When it comes the age to school, teacher became my main adviser through my life. My specialty is medicine, which is related to person's life. In the college, what I've learn was not only the basic knowledge of medicine, such as anatomy, physical, biology, surgery, but also the moral principle we treat people, especially patients. Since what we faced is mostly the vital life of one person, we should handle it with more patience and responsibility. From that time on, I realized that what I 'm burden was the contribution to the society as well as saving people's life.    Friends, companied with me along the road, gave me also many lessons and taught me how to treat people. We should be honest to our friend, never say words behinds them, and share what you have, no matter how good or bad it is. When you are in difficulty, raise your hand to help. In that case, I have a lot of true friends now, who is willing to help each other. In a word, the time stayed with family members, teachers and friends helped me to shape my outlook and how to live in this world as a happy, responsible, honest, kind person.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

这题目的确不怎么托福，更像个口语题而不是讨论题。。建议用真题题库练习。。

With the advent of my 25th birthday, I have lived in this world for a quarter century. In this period of growth, my outlook of the world, aesthetic tastes, the and alttitudes towards life are all changed step by step. When I was a little child, I thought the world just goes around me which leaded led to my characteristic of ego-centric (ego已经有自我中心的含义，要用centric也是self-centric), and selfishness. After years' of study and work outside home?, my view was shaped gradually, and that guided me on how to live in this world. All these changes are influenced (You can be influenced by your family and change. Your family can influence you and change you - but changes don't get 'influenced'.) by my families (It's likely that you have only one immediate family. The houses of your grandparents and your parents' siblings are your 'extended families'.), teachers and friends around me.  The My family taught me to be responsible for myself and acted as a civilized person. My father was a person who is strict with himself but tolerant ('Tolerant' 实际上有负面的意思，主 压抑，忍受不满 的宽容。主动的宽容 可以用 forgiving) to on others. Once a time, a project that managed both by my father and an uncle was happened to be go wrong. My father admitted the mistake by himself when he knew about the situation. Then I learned if you have made a mistake, you ought to be brave to admit it and be responsible for yourself. In addition, I learned I should be polite to the elderly and be a civilized person. The way my father do acts and behaves influenced me very much and gave me a primary outlook (on what?).   When it comes to the age to go to school, my teacher became my main adviser through my life. My specialty is medicine, which is related to person's life people's lives (你总不可能一辈子只对一个person的一条life负责吧。。). In the college, what I've learnt was not only the basic knowledge of medicine, such as anatomy, physiology, biology, surgery, but also the moral principles we follow when treating people, especially patients. Since what we faced is mostly the vital life of one a person, we should handle it with more patience and responsibility. From that time on, I realized that what I 'm burdened (这也是一个负面的词，可以用entrust) with was the contributing to the society as well as saving people's lives.    Friends, accompanying with me along the road (of what? 不要把中文的比喻直接放到英文里。。老美不懂的。。), also gave me also many lessons and taught me how to treat people. We should be honest to our friends, never say bad words behinds their backs, and share what you have, no matter how good or bad it is. When you are in difficulty, raise your hand to for help. (这是一个祈使句而不是描述句。你想说明什么呢?) In that case, I have a lot of true friends now, who is are willing to help each other. In a word, the time stayed with family members, teachers and friends helped me to shape my outlook and how to live in this world as a happy, responsible, honest, kind person.

总结：

词汇量和基本的句法尚可，主要的问题是语法的细节，还有些颇为不地道的繁琐表达。建议多看英语母语人士的文字。另外就是这个题目本身不怎么地道。。可以用gter网站的题库练习。。

水樱樱木UID: 2342479

:) 真是太感谢了，这么快就给我改了，我还以外要等到周末呢，
那我在写几篇185里面的，以后在劳烦mpromanus 帮忙修改了:handshake