请指教！

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

快考了。各种没底啊……
跟上次一样 给俺评个分 跪谢！:loveliness:


你同不同意电视的主要目的是教育，而非娱乐？

Television nowadays has becoming a significant obsession in almost every family. Through watching television, people get information, learn knowledge and gain entertainment. Some people argue that the major function of Television is to educate people rather than fulfilling people's entertaining requirement. However, I refute this kind of statement because I believe the initial purpose of television is to let people enjoying entertainment.

Firstly, I want to say that people already leaned many things during their daily work. Students at school have more than eight hours in academic world while adults acquire knowledge through their work. After a whole day of laborious work, all people desired is a fully relaxation, and which is normally achieved by watching Television. Although many programs seem meaningless, I think people still need programs like talk show or soap opera to release their tightened nerve and pressed mood. If people go back home exhaustedly and turn on TV but just find all the channels are broadcasting programs which still requiring them to memory things, I think all the people will freak out. We can see that even some programs like National Geography or Discovery which contains a lot of knowledge, the producer are tend to use a more casual way to let people well accept their programs.

Furthermore, even if Television can be regarded as tool in spreading knowledge, it is not a proper object for education because the effect of education would be quite pessimistic. It is the common sense that education involves both input and output processes. However by watching television, people can only 'receive' the knowledge. It is hard to imagine that we discuss an academic issue with family members or our closest friends, especially on a relax occasion like home. But without discussion, questions during study cannot be solved, thus hardly can people achieve a good academic performance. What is even more important is that we cannot control the progress by following the television. Different people have different capacity in learning, some people may have a better understanding toward one subject while others maybe not. If a person cannot well organize his study, how can this kind of education make achievement? Thus I think counting Television as an education tool is unrealistic.

In sum, I think those people who consider the major function of TV as education have put too much pressure on themselves. Television is, and should be a channel to let people escape from the heavy routine work and share time with family members and friends.  

[ 本帖最后由 aphasiafifi 于 2008-12-17 20:19 编辑 ]

过河卒UID: 2572070

I think account the major function of Television as an education tool is unrealistic

这里account是不是应该用现在分词的格式？

文章我看懂了，不过我作文很差，提不出啥意见，也就不提什么意见了。

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

谢谢我已经改正过了 检查时候没看出来的错误

过河卒UID: 2572070

祝考试顺利。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Television nowadays has became a significant obsession (这是个贬义词，最好避免在开头没建立论点之前就用这么感情化的词.) in almost every family. Through watching television, people get information, learn knowledge and gain entertainment (Normally we'll say people 'get entertained' rather than 'gain entertainment'.). Some people argue that the major function of television is to educate people rather than fulfilling people's entertainment requirements. However, I refute this kind of statement because I believe the initial (如果你用这个词的话，潜台词是 但现在已经是过了initial的now了所以事情变了..建议用一个强烈但政治正确的primary就好.) purpose of television is to let people enjoying entertainment.

Firstly, I want to say that people already learned many things during their daily work activities. Students at school have more than eight hours in the academic world while adults acquire knowledge through their work. After a whole day of laborious work, all people desired is a fully relaxation, and which is normally achieved by watching television. Although many programs seem meaningless, I think people still need programs like talk shows or soap operas to release their tightened nerves and depressed moods. If people go back home exhaustedly and turn on TV but just to find all the channels are broadcasting programs which still requiring them to memorize things, I think all the people of them will freak out (口语用词，写作请避免). We can see that even in some programs like National Geography or the Discovery Channel which contains a lot of knowledge, the producers are tend to use a more casual way to let people well accept their programs (You either accept or don't accept something, there's no such expression like 'accept something well' but only 'receive something well'.).

Furthermore, even if television can be regarded as a tool in spreading knowledge, it is not a proper object for education because the effect of education would be quite pessimistic (This describes people, not things.). It is the common sense that education involves both input and output processes. However by watching television, people can only 'receive' the knowledge. It is hard to imagine that we discuss an academic issue with family members or our closest friends, especially on a relaxed occasion like at home ('Home' is not an occasion.). But without discussion, questions during study cannot be solved, thus hardly can people achieve a good academic performance. (你为什么要假设电视教的是academic knowledge而且还需要衡量academic performance呢? 电视上放的节目又不会需要人记下来准备考试的? 烹饪节目算不算education? 公益广告算不算education?) What is even more important is that we cannot control the progress (of learning?) by following the television. Different people have different capacities in learning, some people may have a better understanding towards one subject while others maybe not. If a person cannot well organize his study well (俺知道俺以前说过副词应该靠近动词，但带一个简单宾语的动词是应该把副词放在宾语后面的. 在宾语很长影响读者回忆副词修饰哪个词的时候才需要把副词提前 - 一般来说，普通人的记忆力是可以同时记住6个左右的单词，所以不超过几个单词长度不开新分句的简单宾语基本不会影响读者记住副词修饰的是什么动词), how can this kind of education make lead to achievement? Thus I think counting television as an education tool is unrealistic.

In sum, I think those people who consider the major function of TV as education have put too much pressure on themselves. Television is, and should be a channel to let people escape from the heavy (Wrong word. I think you mean 'tiring'.) routines work and share time with family members and friends (这个论点你之前好像半点没提呀~总结段不要跳新论点出来~).

总结：

语言方面不错。论述方面请注意不要太过限制自己的想法，平时可以多注意些学术之外的东西啊。。像第二论点那种明显是看出不了解educational TV的，一般所说教育性质的节目不是指像国内那种电视大学讲课还带考试的，而就是国家地理啊那种类型看了可以跟人出去吹牛的节目，不需要担心什么学习效果的..另外就是总结段不要提你没有拿出来作为主要论点论述的东西.

语言提高不少，不过由于第二论点有些弱，给3.8/5. 仅供参考啊。

aphasiafifiUID: 2475704

谢谢您的修改 看到我自己的分数有进步还是非常鼓舞的一件事儿！:loveliness: （虽然您说仅供参考，但是我还是认为具有一定权威性的……谁让您是30分的大牛牛……）

其实第二段儿在列提纲的时候就憋了半天……本着无论如何都要掰出来的心态写成这个样子……:funk:
按您这么说范围就大了……本来想说 education不是电视的primary purpose，因为电视只管播，你学成什么样儿算你的。你可以把看某些节目当成学习，但是不是所有人把它都当成学习。大家看电视还是为了轻松一下，并不会真正注意里头的内容。电视其实主要的目的是除了上面提到的打发时间外，其实还是为了给大家提供些话题，增进一下感情。当成教育工具场合不太对。  然后怕写着写着就回到第一段儿去了。
您能不能给我提供写意见？

非常感谢您的辛苦工作:handshake

[ 本帖最后由 aphasiafifi 于 2008-12-19 01:27 编辑 ]

goafterdreamUID: 2215745

虽然文章不是我写的，但是看了你评的作文，也学到了好多东西！这里也说声谢谢！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

6楼: 其实你用中文说起来这论点挺好的，但是写出来的和你中文说的完全不是一回事情啊~包括你的第一论点，也不是你在这里说的 打发时间，而是 轻松一下。。你的问题主要是：第一段是个正面论点，第二段本来是个反面论点，结果你说着说着把正面论述混了进来，所以就搞成 写着写着就回到第一段去了 的现象。。请注意写文章一定要每段都有*很明确*的论点句，你这种混杂就是没有用*一句话*明确自己的每段论点，你的第一论点句就是 正面的 ‘看电视的primary purpose是打发时间，促进感情’；第二轮点句就是 反面的 ‘电视就算放educational的东西大家也不一定都会真正注意，效果不好，所以它的primary purpose不可能是education’，不要再加大段正面的论述，否则就回到第一段去了。

论点句的作用是: 如果考官不想细看你的作文，他只要看第一段最后一句+中间每段开头结尾的两句+最后一段的第一句就能明白你在说什么。以这个要求来写你的论点就不会那么容易写偏了，因为你自己时时刻刻在约束自己到正确的方向上去。