【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】☆Jelly月♂12月18日作文

d596086UID: 2522476

评价方面参考：
organization寄托家园.h7b
FSO%R:t6^q
thesis and support
unity and coherence
grammar and vocabularyPBh@0O6^}P"j
小错误勾出来就可以了，给些段落整体评价就行，写得比较多，麻烦了

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
People are busy doing different things that they can do few things well.

In general, people always hold the opinion that anyone who put entirely focus on one thing at a time can accomplish it well. But does this mean that anyone who is busy doing different things can not do things well? No, definitely not! Being busy is only an excuse for people to conceal his/her defeats. And I say that a busy person could and be able to deal with different things well at same time.

Firstly, we need to clear one point that there are a lot of various factors due to failure, and lacking of time or energy is only a part of them, not the all. Instead, the method is more crucial to the success. A good way can save one’s an amount of time whereas a bad one might leads to false end, no matter how much time and energy one spent on it. A good example comes from 17 century. At that time, Niols Forest, an Italy physical scientist, spent his whole life trying to create a perpetual-motion machine, a kind of machine which can move forever without external energy. He gave up his original academic pursuit and other researches in order to put all of his focus on this inventing. But now, all of us know that this task is an impossible mission, for it violates the Law of Conservation of Energy.

Besides, was one able to in a busy condition, it means that he or she has strong ability and should be able to copy with different jobs through a sound way. Let’s look at the president of United State. No one will deny he is a very busy one who has to face with many affairs and problems everyday and even every minutes, from domestic ones to oversea. If he said I can not father our country well because I have so many jobs to do, what the nation will like today? If one man can only do one thing well at a time, then how many presidents we need to manage our country? Every successful man in the world, from artists to scientists, from businessmen to politicians, is all busy in doing different things including family affairs, academic pursuits, business jobs, or other social works. But they can adjust themselves well to finally accomplish their goals.

I say, a great man will never try to find an excuse deceiving others and deceiving oneself, not to mention imputing all the failure to the busy reason. Virtually, the fact is that almost everyone in the world has to simultaneously facing different aspects of pressures from workplace, family, society and so on. Thus if only because one is very busy that he or she can do few things well, then there is nothing in the world can be made. Do you think those one who are not busy, such as the babies who just down to the world, or the beggars who are aimlessly wandering on the streets, can save our world?

In sum, since no one is absolutely disengaged in the modern world, thus it is too arbitrary to say that people who are busy doing different things has less time so that they can do few things well.



[ 本帖最后由 d596086 于 2008-12-18 14:48 编辑 ]

xlwxxyUID: 2568970

In general, people always hold the opinion that anyone who put entirely focus on（没有这样的表达的吧！put 后是名词而不是动词，应该是attantions ） one thing at a time can accomplish it well. But does this mean that anyone who is busy doing different things can not do all things well? No(不用那么愤慨吧，平常与其就好了), definitely not! Being busy is only an excuse for people to conceal his/her defeats（我很同意这样的理解，但是这是带有个人色彩的，不是所有人都是这样的，像达尔文，亚里士多德，他们忙碌都是应为掩饰自己的失败吗？ 不要以偏概全）. And But I say think sometimes that a busy person could and be able to deal with different things well at same time.(怎么突然又冒出与前面截然相反的结论，中间也没有的过渡的，让人摸不着头脑)
Firstly, we need to clear one point （中式英语，换一个其他的词好点）that there are a lot of vari一ous factors due to failure, and lacking of time or energy is only a part of them, not the all. Instead, the method is more crucial to the success. A good way can save one’s an amount of time whereas a bad one might leads to false end, no matter how much time and energy one spent on it. A good example comes from 17 century. At that time, Niols Forest, an Italy physical scientist, spent his whole life trying to create a perpetual-motion machine, a kind of machine which can move forever without external energy. He gave up his original academic pursuit and other researches in order to put all of his focus on this inventing. But now, all of us know that this task is an impossible mission, for it violates the Law of Conservation of Energy.
（搞不清这和主题和你的第一段的论点有什么关系。文章是问要同时做很多事情还是做几样少数事情。而不是问要不要做一样不能成功的事情。）
Besides, was one able to in a busy condition, it means that he or she has strong ability and should be able to copy with different jobs through a sound way. Let’s look at the president of United State. No one will deny he is a very busy one who has to face with many affairs and problems everyday and even every minutes, from domestic ones to oversea. If he said I can not father our country well because I have so many jobs to do, what the nation will like today? If one man can only do one thing well at a time, then how many presidents we need to manage our country? （事实没说服力，难道总统就是同时做很多事情吗，他不能分派事情给内阁考虑商量吗？他要考虑的全局而不是每样事情都亲自做到。。他们能做好适应为他们很好统筹安排时间，你应该从这点上论述，而不是应为结果而又原因的，也就是不是因为他们有很多事情做而可以同时作好每样事情）Every successful man in the world, from artists to scientists, from businessmen to politicians, is all busy in doing different things which including family affairs, academic pursuits, business jobs, or and other social works. But they can adjust themselves well to finally accomplish their goals.
I say, a great man will never try to find an excuse deceiving others and deceiving oneself, not to mention imputing all the failure to the busy reason. Virtually, the fact is that almost everyone in the world has to simultaneously facing different aspects of pressures from workplace, family, society and so on. Thus if only because one is very busy that he or she can do few things well, then there is nothing in the world can be made. Do you think those one who are not busy, such as the babies who just down to the world, or the beggars who are aimlessly wandering on the streets, can save our world?  
In sum, since no one is absolutely disengaged in the modern world, thus it is too arbitrary to say that people who are busy doing different things has less time so that they can do few things well.
思维天马行空了， 抓不住主体，点不到要害。
形散神也有点散了。
注意扣住一个结论来论述。想两方面都论述要有一个过渡。



[ 本帖最后由 xlwxxy 于 2008-12-19 18:59 编辑 ]

hustly0415UID: 2407456

In general, people always hold the opinion that anyone who put entirely focus on one thing at a time can accomplish it well. But does this mean that anyone who is busy doing different things can not do things well? No, definitely not! Being busy is only an excuse for people to conceal his/her defeats.(是不是可以考虑修改成特殊句式，比如强调句型，我的句型也是变化太少。 强调句型的话不知道这样改对不对：It is simply an excuse of being busy that people refer to conceal his/her defeats.) And I say that a busy person could and be able to deal with different things well at same time. (个人觉得开头还不错，比我的好多了..)

Firstly, we need to clear one point that there are a lot of various （重复了吧，好像）factors due to(due to 后面接的好像时原因吧) failure（建议修改成这样的： we need to make it clear that there are various factors cause lead to/ result in failure）, and lacking(直接使用其名词形式lack是否更好？仅供参考) of time or energy is only a part of them, not the all. Instead, the method is more crucial to the success. A good way can save one’s an amount（large amount 如何？） of time whereas a bad one might leads to false end, no matter how much time and（or ？no开头，是否定的那种） energy one spent on it. A good example comes from 17 century. At that time,（个人感觉可以删掉）Niols Forest, an Italy（Italian 形容词形式） physical scientist, spent his whole life trying to create a perpetual-motion machine, a kind of machine which can move forever without external energy. He gave up his original academic pursuit and other researches in order to put all of his focus on this inventing. But now, all of us know that this task is an impossible mission, for it violates the Law of Conservation of Energy

Besides, was one able to in a busy condition, （句意不时很明确，感觉）it means that he or she has strong ability and should be able to copy（cope？） with different jobs through a sound way. Let’s（ 是否添加一个have a？）look at the president of United State. No one will deny he is a very busy one who has to face with many affairs and problems everyday and even every minutes, from domestic ones to oversea. If he said I can not father our country well because I have so many jobs to do, what the nation will like today?（这句的句式变换很好，不过，感觉句子稍微有些不是很通顺。 Father 什么意思？后面的问句是否应该时这样的：….. what will the nation like If one man can only do one thing well at a time, then how many presidents we need to manage our country? Every successful man in the world, from artists to scientists, from businessmen to politicians, is all busy in doing different things including family affairs, academic pursuits, business jobs, or other social works. But they can adjust themselves well to finally accomplish their goals. I say, a great man will never try to find an excuse deceiving others and deceiving oneself（himself）, not to mention imputing all the failure to the busy reason. （赞！ I say, a great man never try to find any excuse to deceive others nor himself, not to mention imputing all the failure to the rason of being busy. 这样说如何？）Virtually, the fact is that almost everyone in the world has to simultaneously facing different aspects of pressures from workplace, family, society and so on. Thus if only because one is very busy that he or she can do few things well, then there is nothing in the world can be made. Do you think those one who are not busy, such as the babies who just down to the world, or the beggars who are aimlessly wandering on the streets, can save our world?

In sum, since no one is absolutely disengaged in the modern world, thus it is too arbitrary to say that people who are busy doing different things has less time so that they can do few things well

我觉得这篇文章的论证蛮好，尤其是第四段很不错，是对前两段很好的补充。前两段的例子很好，但是感觉讲述例子的篇幅很长（我也有这个毛病），这个我不是很好说，大篇幅的讲述例子是否有问题或不好，请大家讨论一下。

还有一个值得我学习的地方就是，作者很注意使用一些较“高深”的词汇，有的时候会适当使用一些并列或排比，这点尤其值得我学习。另外，我能够看到许多变化的句型，这点叶很好。而我的作文总是那些常见的，到处都是的词汇和句式….555。。。

我觉得作者照这样的速度联系一段时间，作文水平能够很快有质的飞跃。Wish~~555，我要加油~~！！向作者学习。另外，我自己的水平有限，拍的不对的地方不要见怪..大家共同进步哦。

hustly0415UID: 2407456

555~~我是用word编辑好的，怎么粘贴进来什么彩色效果都没了...

d596086UID: 2522476

呵呵，就是这样，不要把字复制过来
你把word文件直接传上来就可以了！ 如果你文件没删的话，麻烦你传上来啦

[ 本帖最后由 d596086 于 2008-12-19 12:44 编辑 ]

nickey0809UID: 2349468

第二段例子和中心联系不够紧密吧，虽然说明了方法很重要，可是他是做一件事还失败了，不过例子本身还是好的呵呵
第三段的中心是什么，ability么，可是听你的语气都是些伟大的人拯救了世界，并没有证明人们忙于很多事，还能把事做好诶 人不是没有忙于做很多事 的能力，题目的意思应该是在忙于很多事的情况下，效率或者准确率或受到影响……

d596086UID: 2522476

首先谢谢你耐心的修改，我来为自己文章反驳一下，呵呵

开头：第一句我写错了，put改为pay
第二句我不是那么愤慨，这是一个短句的强调作用，可以表达个人观点
第三句你认为太个人色彩了。但是这个句子不是客观陈述，是我的主观意见啊，为什么不能个人色彩一点
第四句你认为转折太突然，可是这里没有转折啊？我用的是and
最后2句的意思连起来意思是：说自己忙就没把事情做好，那只是一种借口；而且我认为能够忙碌的人说明他有能力处理好各种事情

第二段：首先clear a point这个不是中式英文
其次，这个自然段你没看懂。第一句主题句我就说了由于“忙”影响事情做得好坏只是多种因素之一，不是全部。接着第二句说做事情的方法更重要。然后例子是说明，花很多时间精力去做一个方法不对的东西，结果也是不成功的，不论你多么专心于一样工作。

第三段总统的例子，你说他可以委派别人工作，可是我也没说他都是亲自去处理啊？他再怎么安排时间，但是问题还是那么多，总要处理的啊，说明他很忙！你说他把事情安排好，可这正是我的观点：忙人可以处理好多个事情。　忙，是代表他有很多事情要做，总统再怎么委派，再怎么安排，他能空闲么？他要是空闲了，还要总统干吗？

[ 本帖最后由 d596086 于 2008-12-19 19:02 编辑 ]

d596086UID: 2522476

我的提纲是：
开头：反对观点，人忙可以把事情做好，人不忙也不一定做得好事情

主体
第一段：忙并不是事情成败的决定因素，一个好的方法可以省去大量时间精力

第二段：人忙，说明他有能力处理好各种事情，不然他还忙不起来

第三段：反面说明社会每个人其实都很忙，只有ｂａｂｙ，乞丐他们不忙，如果因为忙就做不好事情，那么就没人做得好事情了

最后总结

d596086UID: 2522476

你改的好细啊，我也细看了你改的

1.我的这句话：Being busy is only an excuse for people to conceal his/her defeats.本身就是一种句型变化，属于句子开头的多样性
你的这句话：强调句型It is simply an excuse of being busy that people refer to conceal his/her defeats.也不错，不过应该写成...an simply  excuse...

2.第二段你改的都是是对的，due to改为lead to；Italian等

3.was one able to in a busy condition, （句意不时很明确，感觉）
这里这个是一个条件状语从句，相当于if one is able to。。。

4.第三段那个句式，你把顺序改了下，都是对的。我把IF提前，是为了强调这个条件而已

5.（I say, a great man never try to find any excuse to deceive others nor himself, not to mention imputing all the failure to the rason of being busy. 这样说如何？）这句我觉得你说的很好

例子说的细不细不要紧，关键在于你描写的部分能不能烘托文章主题。比如说总统忙，多写语言说他面临的工作就不要紧，比如说永动机发明不可能，多些语言说方法错误花时间再多也做不好并不多余。也许我的句子可以再精炼一下，因为我没再检查就直接交了，不然我会缩一些的。

[ 本帖最后由 d596086 于 2008-12-19 19:22 编辑 ]

hustly0415UID: 2407456

原帖由 d596086 于 2008-12-19 19:19 发表
你改的好细啊，我也细看了你改的

1.我的这句话：Being busy is only an excuse for people to conceal his/her defeats.本身就是一种句型变化，属于句子开头的多样性
你的这句话：强调句型It is simply an  ...

呵呵，多谢你的回复，让我更明白了其中的一些疑惑，呵呵，这个互改的过程还是很能学习到东西的