【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】 无音萧 12月18日作文

无音萧UID: 2518358

Hardly can people deny that they have done a lot of things during their life. Whereas there is a voice that people are busy doing things, few of which they can get success in however, sparking a high controversy on the issue in the society. Those who endorsing this opinion claim that too many things is overwhelming people’s life to disperse their attention, which is crucial to succeed. In my opinion, it is not because people are too busy that people do few things well.

Firstly, human being is a kind of animal awfully better-developed than, and extremely different in a lot of aspects from other creature in the world such as dog, horse, cats. They have enough ideation to choose what to do when they are presented with an ocean of work, and give priority to the most important ones. Thus, even though people are crammed with a lot of things, as a whole, they will finish them in order, avoiding sinking in a mess. Receiving some assignments, for example, we may make a schedule according to our timetable, as well, the things like which is the most urgent, when should they be submitted, and how much time need we spend on them respectively should be taken into consideration.If the assignments are finished systematically, we can do a great job.

In addition, for those who cannot achieve an accomplishment, it’s good to say that there are so much things distracting their mind, that they don’t have enough time and energy on one thing resulting in their failure. In most cases, it is just an excuse. The truth may be that, they do not spare no effort to do the things or they don’t have a clear goal. Take the students as an example, faced with the same taxing homework in all subjects such as Chinese, English, Math, those who are outstanding in study can also be enthusiastic and excellent in activities, while others thought to be good at either because they have more time focus on one thing fail in both. Why? According to the survey, the reason why the students can get a good mark in study mostly because they set goals for themselves to pursue and thus have  legible plans, ranging from when to read English, finish math exercise, to how much time should be spent on study in respective subjects, which contribute to remarkablely effective study and more time to take part in the extracurricular activities. So, with a good method, one can deal well with many things at one time and achieve success with less time and energy.

What’s more, most of people today, are capable of doing a lot things, which not only is an evidence of one’s ability, but also meets the need of the society. From president to normal people,  teacher to student, parents to children, any one of them is playing more than a role in the society. More roles people are playing, busier they are. Beyond doubt, they can do a good job in most of the roles.Take my father as an example, as a manager, he need to study English and computer which are the two most important tools in the backdrop of globalization and information age; as a friend, sometimes he will help his friends solve some problem; as a husband and a father, he is obligated to care about the family, where a lot of trifles needed to be dealt with. Unquestionablely, he is a good leader in company, a good companion among his friends, and of course a perfect man in my eyes.

In conclusion, even if too much things will disperse people’s attention in a certain, it is inevitable in the fast-paced developing society. Furthermore, we can deal with them well if only we have a good method and a clear plan, after all, the time and energy we spend on one thing is not necessarily in proportion to the rate of success. We can use fewest time and energy to do best jobs.

[ 本帖最后由 无音萧 于 2008-12-18 21:22 编辑 ]

无音萧UID: 2518358

求狠拍 请勿只改语法
                  organization
                   thesis and support                  
               unity and coherence
                grammar and vocabulary

[ 本帖最后由 无音萧 于 2008-12-18 20:57 编辑 ]

xlwxxyUID: 2568970

有独到见解！赞！

Amber0926UID: 2555355

Hardly can people deny that they have done a lot of things during their life. Whereas there is a voice that people are busy doing things, few of which they can get success in however, sparking a high controversy on the issue in the society. Those who endorsing this opinion claim that too many things is overwhelming people’s life to disperse their attention, which is crucial to succeed. In my opinion, it is not because people are too busy that people do few things well. （开头先有倒装句式接着论证，词汇变幻也不少，感觉不错哦）
Firstly, human being is a kind of animal awfully better-developed than, and extremely different in a lot of aspects from other creature in the world such as dog, horse, cats. They have enough ideation to choose what to do when they are presented with an ocean of work, and give priority to the most important ones.（注意到排比挺好） Thus, even though people are crammed with a lot of things, as a whole, they will finish them in order, avoiding sinking in a mess. Receiving some assignments, for example, we may make a schedule according to our timetable, as well, the things like which is the most urgent, when should they be submitted, and how much time need we spend on them respectively should be taken into consideration.（这个复杂句感觉有点乱，注意安排，我能力有限不知道怎么改着合适，不要以为的追求复杂而导致错误）If the assignments are finished systematically, we can do a great job
In addition, for those who cannot achieve an accomplishment, it’s good to say that there are so much things distracting their mind, that they don’t have enough time and energy on one thing resulting in their failure. In most cases, it is just an excuse. The truth may be that, they do not spare no effort to do the things or they don’t have a clear goal. Take the students as an example, faced with the same taxing homework in all subjects such as Chinese, English, Math, those who are outstanding in study can also be enthusiastic and excellent in activities, while others thought to be good at either because they have more time focus on one thing fail in both. Why? According to the survey, the reason why the students can get a good mark in study mostly because they set goals for themselves to pursue and thus have  legible plans, ranging from when to read English, finish math exercise, to how much time should be spent on study in respective subjects, which contribute to remarkablely effective study and more time to take part in the extracurricular activities. So, with a good method, one can deal well with many things at one time and achieve success with less time and energy
What’s more, most of people today, are capable of doing a lot things, which not only is an evidence of one’s ability, but also meets the need of the society. From president to normal people,  teacher to student, parents to children, any one of them is playing more than a role in the society. More roles people are playing, busier they are. Beyond doubt, they can do a good job in most of the roles.Take my father as an example, as a manager, he need to study English and computer which are the two most important tools in the backdrop of globalization and information age; as a friend, sometimes he will help his friends solve some problem; as a husband and a father, he is obligated to care about the family, where a lot of trifles needed to be dealt with. Unquestionablely, he is a good leader in company, a good companion among his friends, and of course a perfect man in my eyes
In conclusion, even if too much things will disperse people’s attention in a certain, it is inevitable in the fast-paced developing society. Furthermore, we can deal with them well if only we have a good method and a clear plan, after all, the time and energy we spend on one thing is not necessarily in proportion to the rate of success. We can use fewest time and energy to do best jobs。
感觉楼主写作功底不错，词汇量用得也挺多
三个点很明确，每段突出中心句，也有注意到段尾总结这种思路很好
就是。。我发现你喜欢用排比，但有的读起来向中国话，不太舒服。。以后注意点啦
总体感觉，挺好的，字数也够多，如果是限时写作很厉害哦~

达达摩摩UID: 2499908

相当不错的说啊 比我的好不知道多少啊。。。唯一的不足是还是有点chinese English （比我好得多，呵呵）貌似英语的排比不像中文的那样，结构很好！！唉 说不出来了啊 我的水平太差了 我努力去啦:rolleyes:

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Hardly can people deny that they have done a lot of things during their lives. Whereas there is a voice that people are busy doing things, few of which they can get success in however (能不要在从句里套从句吗? 俺敢肯定没有考官会觉得你这句法有多么华丽的..), sparking a high controversy on the issue in the society.(这句话写了这么长都没写完。Whereas后面所有的部分全是一个从句，后面就什么都没了..对句法的掌握如果没有达到随心所欲的程度，劝你还是尽量避免绕句..考官不会有耐心陪这种像一团意大利面一样的句子玩儿的..) Those who endorse this opinion claim that too many things is are overwhelming people’s lives to and dispersing their attention, which is crucial for them to succeed. In my opinion, it is not because people are too busy that people do few things well. (很华丽的拗口句..很常见的完全没必要的it is句型..再强调一次，把最简单的主谓宾句式和一个分句用好，用对，就完全可以应付托福作文的要求了..比如Being too busy is not the reason that people do few things well. 给考官方便，就是给自己方便..)

Firstly, human being is a kind of animals that is awfully (正式写作请避免此类口语化词汇) better-developed than, and extremely different in a lot of aspects from other creatures in the world such as dogs, horses, cats. They (Who? Humans? Dogs? Cats? 不要让读者费力气猜你的指代是什么.) have enough ideation to choose what to do when they are presented with an ocean of work, and give priority to the most important ones. Thus, even though people are crammed with a lot of things, as a whole, they will finish them in order, avoiding sinking in a mess. Receiving some assignments, for example, we may make a schedules according to our timetables. as well (This should move to the end of this sentence, or nobody will know what you're 'as well'-ing. You need to have something to 'as well' before you can actually write 'as well'.), the Things like which is the most urgent, when should they be submitted, and how much time need we spend on them respectively should be taken into consideration.If the assignments are finished systematically, we can do a great job. (论点挺好的，但这跟人类比动物智慧更发达有什么关系啊。。另外切题要直接切，简单的加一句Therefore it's not true that people who do many things at a time can do few things well.就行了，避免让读者还费脑子想你怎么切的题..中国人在reading between the lines方面是天才，但老美的脑子跟俺们的脑子是不一样的，跟他们讲话要直接..)

In addition, for those who cannot achieve any accomplishment, it’s good to say that there are so much many things distracting their minds, that they don’t have enough time and energy on any one thing, resulting in their failures. In most cases, it is just an excuse (那之前为什么还说it's good to say啊?!). The truth may be that, they do not spare no effort (..这种很社会底层的非裔美国人的口语表达就不要用了..运气不好会被考官默默鄙视的..) to do the things or they don’t have a clear goals. Take the students as an example: faced with the same taxing homework in all subjects such as Chinese, English, Math, those who are outstanding in studies can also be enthusiastic and excellent in activities (What activities?), while others thought to be good at either because they have more time to focus on one thing fail in both. (I don't quite get your logic here, primarily because I'm not sure what your 'either' and 'both' are referring to. I thought they mean 'studies/activities', but the clause 'because they have more time to focus on one thing' is utterly confusing - you said 'faced with the same taxing homework', so how can some students 'have more time to focus on one thing'? My best guess at what you meant to say is this:

Some students do both studies and activities, while some others focus only on one. When there was not so much homework, those who focus on only one had a lot of time to either study or participate in activities, so they may do better in studies or activities than those who need to share their time between both. However, when homework load increases, those who only focus in studies or activites but have poor multitasking capabilities need to spend a lot of time in homework, therefore they can no longer do well in either of the two. In contrast, those who participate in both studies and activities but have better multitasking capabilities will do better in both.

It took me 5 lines to guess and explain your 2 1/2 lines - do you think your examiner will actually bother to understand these 2 1/2 lines given that he probably has only 5 minutes to read your essay? Don't make it this difficult for your examiner.) Why? According to the survey (What survey?), the reason why the students can get a good marks in studies mostly because (I've often seen people use 'the reason why', and I already hate that enough. Now I see that you use 'the reason why..because' together in one sentence. Not to mention your sentence still lacks a verb. You can now imagine how your essay is getting to my nerves.) they set goals for themselves to pursue and thus have legible plans, ranging from when to read English, finish math exercises, to how much time should be spent on studying in respective subjects, which contribute to remarkablely effective studying and more time to take part in the extracurricular activities. So, (DO NOT use 'and', 'but', 'so' to start sentences in FORMAL writings. Use 'furthermore', 'however' and 'therefore'.) with a good method, one can deal well with many things at one time and achieve success with less time and energy. (The 'legible plans' part sounds too similar to your first point.)

What’s more, most of people today, are capable of doing a lot things, which not only is an evidence of one’s abilities, but also meets the needs of the society. From the President to normal people,  teachers to students, parents to children, any one of them is playing more than a role in the society. The More roles people are playing, the busier they are. Beyond doubt, they can do a good job in most of the roles.Take my father as an example: as a manager, he needs to study English and computer which are the two most important tools in the backdrop of globalization and the information age; as a friend, sometimes he will help his friends solve some problems; as a husband and a father, he is obligated to care about the family, where a lot of trifles (好八卦的词..) needed to be dealt with. Unquestionablely, he is a good leader in the company, a good companion among his friends, and of course a perfect man in my eyes. (例子不错)

In conclusion, even if too much many things will disperse people’s attention in a certain thing?, it is inevitable in the fast-paced developing society. Furthermore, we can deal with them well if only we have a good method and a clear plan, after all, the time and energy we spend on one thing is not necessarily in proportion to the rate of its? success. We can use fewest minimum time and energy to do best jobs.

总结:

虽然要冒着被无数你的仰慕者砸砖的危险，但还是得说，这篇真的算是俺开业以来改得最不爽的文章之一。。

为什么？因为你可以写出长达3行从句超级华丽但是内容无用且最终语法还是错的句子。因为你会用unquestionably - 虽然拼错了，也还算可以原谅 - 但却还会出现too much things这种幼儿园级别的错误。因为你可以在一个指代完全不清楚的情况下写完一个长句而俺要读到最后才明白你一开始指代的主语完全不是俺以为的东西结果又要从头把长句读过一遍。。

不要让你的考官也这么痛苦。作文不应该是阅读理解考试。万一正好还碰到你的考官当天早上跟老婆吵了一架之类有火没处发的事情，保不定他会在分数上报复你的。。

[ 本帖最后由 mpromanus 于 2008-12-22 01:22 编辑 ]