衷心感谢~~求改作文

yanglinsheepUID: 2493965

我又来了~
好害怕作文。。完全不会写~~
时间越来越少了~而且最近又要忙着准备期末考。。哎。。烦躁啊~~着急啊~~
我都拿自己没办法了~~
只希望多写写然后麻烦您多改改。。我慢慢领悟一下。。。谢谢了~~

噢~新年快乐~~
topic:
When relaxing, some people like to spend time alone. What’s your opinion?

Modern citizens faced with great pressure, ways for relaxing have arisen to a universal concern in daily life. When asked to choose between self-relaxing and all-together-relaxing, some claim that chatting, playing, and drinking with sums of friends are their best choices, others, however, appreciate being alone without anybody else’s interference. As for me, nothing will beat the satisfactory that staying by myself provides me as the most effective means to get some refreshing moments in my spare time.

What comes on top of the list of concerns for ways to relax is that privacy seems to be the most valuable thing to me. With cell phones, computers, and other modern technique, you will never fail to feel boring and lonely. But it is also this high technology that makes us “available at anytime” during the working hours and even off-work hours, dramatically decreasing our self-owned time. In this sense, pressure is the time staying with my own soul.

When being alone, I am the only master of my own time, freely deciding what to do, when to do and how to do. Take watching movies for example, always enjoying the moments of lost-controlled laughing, I cannot tear myself apart from the amusing movies when I have the chance to relax. Once during holidays, I invited several friends to my house to spend the leisure time with me. I were to seek some funny and laughing minutes in movies, but it turned out that they agreed in selecting the movie “Love me one more time”, which is a so-called romantic movie. But to me it was nothing more than a boring tear jerker. So I lost the control of my time and at last fail to amuse myself as intended, just because of my wrongly inviting others.

Moreover, deep thoughts in mind, only come up when you are alone in a tranquil environment, is another factor leading my decision to stay by myself. Deniable is the fact that lots of complex and inner-heart feelings are destined to be shared with yourself only. Could you write down your true feelings in the family letter with others talking beside you? Could you stand the continued disruption when you are drawing? Could you get a good sleep without being alone?

From the evident stated above comes the obvious conclusion that being alone is the best choice when I need some relaxing moments. Of course, we cannot take for granted that being alone is the only choice, for there are hours that can be and should be shared with friends and families.

[ 本帖最后由 hyacinth 于 2009-1-14 01:26 编辑 ]

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Modern citizens are faced with great pressures, and ways for relaxing have arisen to be a universal concern in daily lives. When asked to choose between self-relaxing and all-together-relaxing (没有这种表达的，不要为了省力气而造新词。。就说relaxing by myself and relaxing with a group of people就可以了，又简单又不会错), some claim that chatting, playing, and drinking with sums of friends are their best choices, others, however, appreciate being alone without interference from anybody else’s interference. As for me, nothing will beat the satisfaction that staying by myself provides. me as It is the most effective means to get some refreshing moments in my spare time. (不要勉强自己写可能会出错的长句，宁愿写能保证对的短句。)

What comes on top of the list of concerns for ways to relax is that privacy seems to be the most valuable thing to me. With cell phones, computers, and other modern technologies, you will never fail to feel boring and lonely (这逻辑很奇怪，有手机电脑种种现代科技，人还是一定会觉得无聊和孤单? I thought it would be the other way round.). But it is also these high advanced technologies that makes us “available at anytime” during the working hours and even off-work hours, dramatically decreasing our self-owned personal time. In this sense, pressure is the time staying with my own soul (I don't quite get you. I thought you were going to talk about privacy..).

When being alone, I am the only master of my own time, freely deciding what to do, when to do and how to do. Take watching movies for example: always enjoying the moments of lost-controlled uncontrolled (你又在发明新词了。。在你没有100%确定自己发明的词是正确的之前，最好避免这么做..) laughing, I cannot tear myself apart away (俺明白你想表达什么意思，但这个比喻的词汇用得不对..) from the amusing movies when I have the chance to relax. Once during holidays, I invited several friends to my house to spend the some leisure time with me. I was to seeking some funny and laughing minutes in movies, but it turned out that they agreed in selecting on the movie “Love me one more time”, which is a so-called romantic movie. But (正式写作中避免用and, but或者so来起句子. 用furthmore, however和therefore) to me it was nothing more than a boring tear-jerker. So I lost the control of my time and at last fail to amuse myself as intended, just because of my wrongly inviting others.

Moreover, deep thoughts in mind, only come up when you are alone in a tranquil environment. This is another factor leading to my decision to stay by myself. Deniable (? 应该是Undeniable吧?..) is the fact that lots of complex and inner-heart private (又是一个自造词..)feelings are destined to be shared with yourself only. Could you write down your true feelings in the a family letter with others talking beside you? (I don't see why not..) Could you stand the continuous disruption when you are drawing? (A lot of great artists went through that..) Could you get a good sleep without being alone? (You're saying that all couples in the world are not able to sleep well?)

From the evidences stated above comes the obvious conclusion that being alone is the best choice when I need some relaxing moments. Of course, we cannot take for granted that being alone is the only choice, for there are hours that can be and should be shared with friends and families. (Do not do this. 如果你要讨论反面意见，就好好地拿一小节讨论。在结尾打一句官腔最没有诚意也最让人觉得你其实没有实际内容可说而且文章最后还莫名其妙转调..)

总结:

你很喜欢造一些形容词-名词形式的新词。。如果你找不到合适的单字，直接说 名词 that is 形容词 这种拗口但是正确的句型也比写错误的自造词强。另外请注意句法，不要勉强写出跑得厉害的长句，一个短句一个短句慢慢写。俺一直强调的是 正确性 - 写正确的简单的东西 永远 比 错误的难的东西 要容易得分。

论述方面，第一每段结尾没有切题，第二论述逻辑不是很有力，尤其是第三论点。另外最后一个总结段不要拿反面意见出来 - 要讨论就单独成段，总结段是用来总结你自己的论点用的。。建议看一些好的范文和模板，至少要知道每一段的具体写法是什么，托福作文实际上是最最八股的，所以才有那么多模板。。

cwxa99UID: 2533774

ls改的很详细 意见也很好  谢过