Argument76【0906G ANap Hand 作文互改小组】第四次作业 by comb300

comb300UID: 2443633

76The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."

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The author concludes that Luxess face cream could help people improve their facial skin condition. To support the contention, the author cited a study report to describe the effectiveness of this face cream. The argument could be persuasive. But after carefully research on it, several logical flaws would be found out, which can make it unsound.

First of all, the author describe a group of volunteers participated the study which shows that the Luxess product is excellent. However, the description has two flaws which make the study lack of convincing. One the one hand, the author does not report how many volunteers actually involved in, if Luxess facing a massive customer while the focus team only has dozen people, the study could not be persuasive. It is important to describe the percentage of people involved which should fit the theory of probability. On the other hand, it fails to tell the coverage of people, if Luxess has an international market while they only invite people from particular region who have good skin condition, then even the study shows it suitable for the volunteers, it could not persuasive people to purchase as Luxess overlooks the differentia between races and regions. Therefore, it is comfortable to say that in order to make the study persuasive, further information should be provided.

Moreover, the author describe volunteers washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess every day and their skin condition improved during certain time. However, it is unable for us to identify whether its the function of the face cream or the mild soap. Therefore, it is highly recommended that the study group should only use Luxess face cream to convince people the product is effective.

Finally, evidence is the only way to persuasive customer while the argument fails to deliver that as the author describe most volunteers reported they feel better. There is no sound proof shows the face cream actually effectual, maybe it is just mental influence to make people believe their feel better or they just lie about their true condition. Hence, firm evidence still needed to make the study persuasive.

To sum up, the study is unable to convince people believe Luxess face cream is effective on improving facial skin condition; several important factors are overlooked by the author. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should give more evidences about the above-mentioned possibilities.

roinyouUID: 2447501

感觉写的不错，理由的层次也挺鲜明。应该还是可以值得高分的。
问问哈，comb300兄，现在能每次在半小时之内完成么？多多交流哈。
The author concludes that Luxess face cream could help people improve their facial skin condition. To support the contention, the author cited a study report to describe the effectiveness->effect of this face cream. The argument could be persuasive. But after carefully research on it, several logical flaws would be found out, which can make it unsound.

First of all, the author describe a group of volunteers participated the study which shows that the Luxess product is excellent. However, the description has two flaws which make the study lack of convincing. One the one hand, the author does not report how many volunteers actually involved in, if Luxess facing a massive customers while the focus team only has dozen people, the study could not be persuasive. It is important to describe the percentage of people involved which should fit the theory of probability. On the other hand, it fails to tell the coverage of people, if Luxess has an international market while they only invite people from particular region who have good skin condition, then even the study shows it is suitable for the volunteers, it could not persuasive->de people to purchase as Luxess overlooks the differentia between races and regions. Therefore, it is comfortable用词不适 to say that in order to make the study persuasive, further information should be provided.

Moreover, the author describe volunteers washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess every day and their skin condition improved during certain time. However, it is unable for us to identify whether its the function of the face cream or the mild soap. Therefore, it is highly recommended that the study group should only use Luxess face cream to convince people the product is effective.

Finally, evidence is the only way to persuasive customer while the argument fails to deliver that as the author describe most volunteers reported they feel better. There is no sound proof shows the face cream actually effectual, maybe it is just mental influence to make people believe their feel better or they just lie about their true condition. Hence, firm evidence still needed to make the study persuasive.

To sum up, the study is unable to convince people believe Luxess face cream is effective on improving facial skin condition; several important factors are overlooked by the author. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should give more evidences about the above-mentioned possibilities.

DemoUID: 2331967

错误都找的很好 但是不够丰满吧

感觉可以多一点论证 不要只是however... therefore.... 中间加上一些你自己的分析
比如对于第二段在therefore之前说 it is possible that ... or that... which require further experimental design that includes other control groups之类的话

加油 =)

comb300UID: 2443633

我都没计时额~ 不过大概40分钟左右吧~

comb300UID: 2443633

呵呵 多谢demo斑竹的点评~~ 下次写的时候注意~  ;) ;)