【Dark_Tournament TOEFL-ibt作文小组 mimica的 第一次作业】

mimicaUID: 2457275

Do you agree or disagree? Playing computer games is wasting time; children should not be allowed to play them.


    In my opinion, playing computer games is a double-edged sword----it makes us relaxed and pleasure, however, people usually spend too much time on the games. As a result, it is a problem whether should we allow children to play them.
    Many people would appreciate the invention of computer games. These games provide people an exciting way to release pleasure. For example, nervous caused by the fast-paced work or study usually makes people’s lives bored. People can escape from the bad mood in such a convenient way when they play computer games. In another aspect, playing computer games is the best way to kill time because it neither spend much money nor need other friends to join together. As it says, the best industry in the financial crisis is the game industry----you can play them for fun when you are disappointed in work.
    However, things will always go to the other hand if we are addicted to it. Many teenage spend too much time on the computer games because they are often not able to control themselves. They like playing violent games on the computer which make them feel more excited and confident than that in the real life. There’s no doubt it can be harmful to their study and health. So many parents and teachers always complain of the computer games. For instance, if you are a student the most important thing is to study hard. How could you be so concentrated in the class? Maybe you are wondering how to get a high score in the games. The negative affects are not showed only in the study. It’s a key period for children to build a strong body. If children are addicted to games, there will be no time for them to do physical exercise. A most obvious example is that the more time one spends on computer games the worse eyesight he has. Another problem we cannot deny is that playing computer games is also reducing communication with others. Longtime alones will bring people psychological problems.
    In conclusion, it’s quite arbitrary to say playing computer games is wasting time, which not means children can play them as they like. As there are so many negative affects, children should be allowed to play the games in the adults’ guidance.

liurui8802UID: 2595045

In my opinion, playing computer games is a double-edged sword----it makes us relaxed and pleasurepleased, however, people usually spend too much time on the games. As a result, it is a problem whether should删掉 we should allow children  play them.
  Many people would appreciate the invention of computer games. These games provide people an exciting way to release pleasure pressure. For example, nervous intensity caused by the fast-paced fast-pacing work or study usually makes people’s lives bored boring . People can escape from the bad mood in such a convenient way when they play computer games. In another aspect, playing computer games is the best way to kill time because it neither spends much money nor does it need other friends to join together. As it says, the best industry in the financial crisis is the game industry好像有点chiglish----you can play them for fun when you are disappointed in work.
  However, things will always go to the other hand if we are addicted to it.没见过这种表达 Many teenagers spend too much time on the computer games because they are often not able to control themselves.rewrite:many teenagers spend too much time on computer games because they are too young to discinpline themselves. They like playing violent games on the computer which make them feel more excited and confident than that in the real life.rewrite:they like to play computer games which make them feel more confident than they do in reality. There’s no doubt it 指代不清can be harmful to their study and health. ，So so many parents and teachers always complain of the computer games. For instance, if you are a student the most important thing is to study hard. How could you be so concentrated in the class? Maybe you are wondering how to get a high score in the games. 两句是因果关系吧rewrite:with scoring high in the computer games,how can one be concentrated on his study?The negative affects are not showed only in the study. rewrite:computer games do more harm than students' poor performance in exams.it is also detrimental to youngsters' health. It’s it指代不清 a key period for children to build a strong body数不一致. If children are addicted to games, there will be no time for them to do physical exercise. A most obvious example这好像不算例子 is that the more time one spends on computer games the worse eyesight he has. Another problem we cannot deny is that playing computer games is also reducing communication with others. Longtime alones will bring people psychological problemsrewrite:one playing computer games unconciously cuts himself off the rest of the world,which may result in psychological problems.
    In conclusion, it’s quite arbitrary to say playing computer games is wasting time, which not means children can play them as they like. As there are so many negative affects, children should be allowed to play the games in the adults’ guidance.这几句话有点条理不清rewrite:in conclusion,there is not an easy answer to the question whether children should be allowed to play computer games.However, taking all those stated above,we may grant teenagers their "game hours" under the guidence of adults.

望回改作文，这不算在楼主规定的两篇修改里，但希望多多指教！

duduyan11UID: 2591951

1 S/ Z1 |, n- b5 E) TIn my opinion, playing computer games is a double-edged sword----it makes us relaxed and pleasurepleased, however, people usually spend too much time on the games. As a result, it is a problem whether should删掉 we should allow children to play them.
! [( N: I& f3 ^  Many people  would(删）appreciate the invention of computer games. These games provide people an exciting way to release pleasure pressure. For example, nervous intensity caused by the fast-paced fast-pacing work or study usually makes people’s lives bored boring . People can escape from the bad mood in such a convenient way when they play computer games. In another aspect, playing computer games is the best way to kill time because it neither spends much money nor does it need other friends to join together. As it says, the best industry in the financial crisis is the game industry好像有点chiglish----you can play them for fun when you are disappointed in work.- o8 U) B. x, e6 P* }  i, F
  However, things will  be always going to the other hand if we are undue addicted to it.没见过这种表达 Many teenagers spend too much time on the computer games because they are often not able to control themselves.rewrite:many teenagers spend too much time on computer games because they are too young to discinpline  discipline themselves. They like playing violent games on the computer which make them feel more excited and confident than that in the real life.rewrite:they like to play computer games which make them feel more confident than they do in reality. There’s no doubt it 指代不清(that it有这种用法) can be harmful to their study and health There is no doubt that it does harm to their study and health. ，So so many parents and teachers always complain of the computer games. (For instance, if you are a student the most important thing is to study hard. How could you be so concentrated in the class?)Needless to say the major for students is to study. If they are addicted to computer games , they will be not  able to concerntrate on their study. Maybe you they are wondering how to get a high score in the games. 两句是因果关系吧rewrite:with scoring high in the computer games,how can one be concentrated on his study?The negative affects are not showed only in the study. rewrite:computer games do more harm than students' poor performance in exams.it is also detrimental to youngsters' health. It’s it指代不清 a key period for children to build a strong body数不一致. If children are addicted to games, there will be no time for them to do physical exercise. A most obvious example这好像不算例子disadvantage is that the more time one spends on computer games the worse eyesight he has. Another problem we cannot deny is that playing computer games is also reducing communication reducing the time to communicate  with others. Longtime alones will bring people psychological problemsrewrite:one playing computer games unconciously cuts himself off the rest of the world,which may result in psychological problems.
  T6 {2 w9 w" c6 Z( h    In conclusion, it’s quite arbitrary to say playing computer games is wasting time, which not means children can play them as they like. As there are so many negative affects, children should be allowed to play the games in the adults’ guidance.这几句话有点条理不清rewrite:in conclusion,there is not an easy answer to the question whether children should be allowed to play computer games.However, taking all those stated above,we may grant teenagers their "game hours" under the guidence of adults./ K% p- H& P, P. V/ T* F" O. m

8 W& x, S; g" [9 U望回改作文，这不算在楼主规定的两篇修改里，但希望多多指教！（第一次改作文，一起努力）

奔跑蜗牛UID: 2579189

词句上见以上两位组员改得很好了
这个说下内容问题吧 分论点说的有点含糊 比如第一个说得很不明确
而且有跑题现象，说明游戏的好处的时候，是同意children玩吗？
反面说成了一团，建议分开几个小论点阐述，再阐述或者举例。这样比较清晰