[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 rainbowstarwqc 第7次作业]

rainbowstarwqcUID: 2597917

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do

Agree

It is an individual age. People are getting more and more independent that they are disinterest in other's affairs. Intially, it is nothing to blame for we are all adults who need considerable space, but when it goes to far that we isolate ourselves from others ,the problems arised both in personal and society.

Most important of all, although we aquired happiness from personal enjoyment, such as internet game, food, just to name a few, if we do it beyond the limit, our health will be jeopardized by the things we are concerning. There are too many examples to illustrate, let us talking about the internet game . Nowadays millions of teens all over the world are playing online game, some of them are so addicted that they spend most of time and money on it. They almost do everything in front of screen, and seldom do they go out. As a result, they are becoming more and more introvert and slim due to their addicition. what is more, some extreme cases may even develop mental illness that will commit suicide! Obviously, we will be hurted both physically and psychologically if we are bogged in the marsh of addicition.

Aside from the influence on indiviual, our society as a whole is affected by our over doing hobbies. As the members of society , we have certain reponsibilities to it, for instance, volunteering. On condition that we are fasinating on our own enjoyment, surely there would be less time for our common home. Unfortunately , it is happening in our society! I can still remember one week ago when I did volunteering in elder's home nearby. I found the ground dirty and messy, obviously it has not been cleaned for a couple of days. Administrator told me that there are insufficient volunteers to help her because few people repondered to the notice! Where have those volunteers gone? And I assume that they are too concerning on their personal enjoyment.

To sum up, wonderful though the happniess that our entertainments is, if we are going too far on them, not only will our health be deteroriated, but also will our society be harmed . In a word , we have to balance our life well in order to pursue both merits on ourselves and community.

y61_smileUID: 2595244

占个楼 改你的 请指教！晚安
编辑了一下放上寄托。

交作业之前先用word检查一下语法和拼写错误。就是我改的红字下划线部分。
标点之前不用空格。
全文两个理由 个人和社会皆影响

个人举例是沉溺网络，社会举例是志愿者变少。
我觉得立意还挺新颖的。
我表达水平不高凑合看一下哈 有问题我们讨论哈，一起加油！~\(≧▽≦)/~啦啦啦
It is an individual age. People are getting more and more independent that they are disinterested in other's affairs. Initially, it is nothing to blame for we are all adults who need considerable space, but when it goes too far that we isolate ourselves from others, the problems aroused both in personal and society.
第一段表达都很好的，但是应做的事情和 关心他人之间意义有些差异。写一点 do sth. for others内容过渡一下？

Most important of all, although we acquired happiness from personal enjoyment, such as internet game, food, just to name a few, if we do it beyond the limit, our health will be jeopardized by the things we are concerning. There are too many examples to illustrate, let us talking talk about the internet games. Nowadays millions of teens all over the world are playing online game; some of them are so addicted that they spend most of time and money on it. They almost do everything in front of screen, and seldom do they go out. As a result, they are becoming more and more introvert and slim due to their addiction. What is more, some extreme cases may even develop mental illness that will commit suicide! Obviously, we will be hurt both physically and psychologically if we are bogged in the marsh of addiction.


Aside from the influence on individual, our society as a whole is affected by our over doing hobbies. As the members of society, we have certain responsibilities to it, for instance, volunteering. On condition that we are fascinating on our own enjoyment, surely there would be less time for our common home. Unfortunately, it is happening in our society! I can still remember that one week ago when I did volunteering in elder's home nearby. I found the ground dirty and messy; obviously it has not been cleaned for a couple of days. Administrator told me that there are insufficient volunteers to help her because few people responded to the notice! Where have those volunteers gone? And I assume that they are too concerning on their personal enjoyment.


To sum up, wonderful though the happiness that our entertainments is, if we are going too far on them, not only will our health be deteriorated, but also will our society be harmed. In a word, we have to balance our life well in order to pursue both merits on ourselves and community.

angelmuziflyerUID: 2548676

It is an individual age（个人建议，era好些？）. People are getting more and more independent that they are disinterest in other's affairs（这个和论题有什么关系呢？是不是有点跑？）. Intially, it is nothing to blame for we are all adults who need considerable space, but when it goes to far that we isolate （这词不错）ourselves from others ,the problems arised both in personal（形容词来的，怎么和后面的名词并列） and society.






Most important of all, although we aquired happiness from personal enjoyment, such as internet game, food, just to name a few, if we do it beyond the limit, our health will be jeopardized by the things we are concerning. There are too many examples to illustrate, let us talking about the internet game . Nowadays millions of teens （这个简写在正式的托福考试中最好不要出现）all over the world are playing online game, some of them are so addicted that they spend most of time and money on it. They almost do everything in front of screen, and seldom do they go out. As a result, they are becoming more and more introvert and slim due to their addicition. what is more, some extreme cases may even develop mental illness that will commit suicide! Obviously, we will be hurted both physically and psychologically if we are bogged in the marsh of addicition.






Aside from the influence on indiviual, our society as a whole is affected by our over doing hobbies. As the members of society , we have certain reponsibilities to it, for instance, volunteering. On condition that we are fasinating on our own enjoyment, surely there would be less time for our common home. Unfortunately , it is happening in our society! I can still remember one week ago when I did volunteering in elder's home nearby. I found the ground dirty and messy, obviously it has not been cleaned for a couple of days. Administrator told me that there are insufficient volunteers to help her because few people repondered to the notice! Where have those volunteers gone? And I assume that they are too concerning on their personal enjoyment.（有具体的生动例子，挺好的）





To sum up, wonderful though the happniess that our entertainments is, if we are going too far on them, not only will our health be deteroriated, but also will our society be harmed . In a word , we have to balance our life well in order to pursue both merits on ourselves and community.
小评：词汇量丰富，句式多变，比起改过的第一篇，应该是有进步的~~不足之处就是思路不是很清晰，感觉有点乱啊，继续努力哈！！