【Dark_Tournament TOEFL-ibt作文小组 capricon2006第七次作业】

capricon2006UID: 2278984

第一次写作文,花了一个半小时，最后发现竟然跑题了……无语。:L

It is the current situation of our modern world that people cost more and more time on what they want to do, instead of what they should do. However, it isn't a good phenomenon, is it?

First, a person who only do what he want to do will not be considered considerate, which means that something harm to others will maybe be done, though it is not his factual desire.For instance, there is a smart and diligent student in my class who do very well in his study.Maybe the best gaiety for him is to deride others. Even sometimes another student were exasperated (enraged) and a fray broke out. Indeliberately as her hurtful words were spoken, there was no mistaking that he was considered selfish and no one is willing to make friends with him.

In addition, it is not sensible (a wisdom) to do only what we like to do. Nowadays, it becomes more and more difficult to haunt a job. To make us competitive in the increasingly job market, we must learn many knowledge and gain more experience. Of course, there will be a fantastic life that we can do everything we like to do, for example, playing internet games, excursion or having a expedition in a derelict temple. However (nevertheless?), these things is, in my opinion, not what we should do now.

As conscientious men, we should not only do those that no more than satisfy our desires. That do what we should do is the foremost to become a considerate and conscientious person, who is no doubt welcome in our world, and will has many friends and great chance to success in his career.

jessie2107UID: 2447940

It is the current situation of our modern（可省略，因为前半句已经出现过current,再用modern的话给人的感觉是意思重复了） world that people cost（spend 因为cost的使用应该是it costs people more and more time to……） more and more time on what they want to do, instead of what they should do. However, it isn't （from my perspective 可以强调一下这是你的观点）a good phenomenon, is it?

First（firstly), a person who only do(does) what he want(wants) to do will not be considered considerate（ly), which means that something harm to others will maybe(改成may， maybe不能这么用） be done, though it is not his factual desire.For instance, there is a smart and diligent student in my class who do(does) very well in his study.Maybe the best gaiety for him is to deride others. Even sometimes another student(s) were exasperated (enraged) and a fray broke out. Indeliberately as her hurtful words were spoken, there was no mistaking(mistake) that he was considered selfish (then) and no one is(was注意时态一致) willing to make friends with him.

In addition, it is not sensible (a wisdom) to do only what we like to do. Nowadays, it becomes more and more difficult to haunt a job. To make us competitive in the increasingly （competitive，副词不能直接加名词）job market, we must learn many knowledge( knowledge此处可数吗？ much knowledge?) and gain more experience. Of course, there will be a fantastic life that we can do everything we like to do, for example, playing internet games, excursion or having a expedition in a derelict temple. However (nevertheless?), these things is( are) , in my opinion, not what we should do now.

As conscientious men, we should not only do those that no more than satisfy our desires. That do what we should do is the foremost to become a considerate and conscientious person, who is no doubt welcome in our world, and will has many friends and great chance to success in his career.

1.注意时态一致，并且有些地方没有使用将来时的必要
2.注意主谓一致，这是判卷纸的时候挺看重的一点
3.题目要求讨论“人们是否适用太多时间在……上”，而不是“人们是否应该适用太多时间在……上”
4.原题中有to much time，应该适当展开讨论
5.貌似篇幅短了一点点
6.第一个例子既然是同学的“无心之失”就不应该算是“what he likes to do" 吧~如果是的话，感觉应该是刻意为之~（这个纯属个人理解）

还没什么帮人改文章的经验~不对的地方请海涵~

capricon2006UID: 2278984

多谢ls指点
第一次写作文，发现竟然有这么多错误！