[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 幻风炎第七次作业

幻风炎UID: 2524862

Nowadays, people become more and more “independent”---they take priority to spend their time on personal things rather than the things they should do. A lot of people may call this the losing of responsibility which I strongly disagree.
First of all, I want to point out that the society is more and more complicated than it was years ago. If we want to live on ourselves or even more comfortably, we must fully concentrate on our own career. What is more, the time is much likely not enough for us to handle our personal things, let alone helping others. Let’s suppose a man can not live on himself, how can he contribute to the whole society and help others?
Secondly, I believe that people’s preference on their own thing is not result of they are not responsible like before, just because it is more efficient and possible by government to solve big problems. For example, you will find it obviously impossible for an individual to help all the victims. Many people may argue that although I cannot save them all, at least, I can try my best to help them which is much better than the one who do nothing. I concede that is true, but I do not appreciate it, for it is not efficient and not wise.
Finally, thanks to the development of the society, governments become more and more powerful, many things used to trouble us have been resolved gradually. Such as the shortage of food in China, we, Chinese, can depend on our own without food import.
Therefore, I do not think it is bad to focus on our own things, in contrast, I do believe only if you concentrate on yourselves can you make more contributions to the society.

capricon2006UID: 2278984

Nowadays, people become more and more “independent”---they take priority to spend their time on personal things rather than the things they should do. A lot of people may call this the losing of responsibility which I strongly disagree.(I strongly disagree most people's opinions that this is the losing of responsibility.重点在I disagree ？)

First of all, I want to point out that the society is more and more complicated than （what）it was years ago. If we want to live on ourselves or even more comfortably, we must fully concentrate on our own career (careers?). What is more, the time is much likely not enough for us to handle our personal things, let alone helping others. Let’s suppose (if?) a man can not live on himself, how can he contribute to the whole society and help others? (contribute to help others and the whole society 并列的短语是否该体现层次？)

Secondly, I believe that people’s preference (preferences) on their own thing (things) is not result of(do not result from that) they are not responsible like before, just because it is more efficient and possible by government to solve big problems（此句觉得读起来不舒服，但不知道该怎么改）. For example, you will find it obviously impossible for an individual to help all the victims(此句可考虑"否定前置"). Many people may argue that although I cannot save（改为已重复使用的help,save在此词义是否不当） them all, at least, I can try my best to help them which is much better than the one who do nothing（argu的宾语不明，是“虽然……，但是……”，还是“better than”的意思）. I concede that is true, but I do not appreciate it, for it is not efficient and not wise.

Finally, thanks to the development of the society, governments become more and more powerful, many things used to trouble us have been resolved gradually. Such as the shortage of food in China, we, Chinese, can depend on our own without food import.（这例子合适吗？题目中的“people spend too much time on personal enjoyment things they like to do”能推出“the development of the society”吗？）
Therefore, I do not think it is bad to focus on our own things, in contrast, I do believe only if you concentrate on yourselves can you make more contributions to the society.（使用了倒装语句:) ）

in general:
1，文中用到的单词和词组比较多，但有几处单复数问题。（我也经常出错，所以对于你文中几处，特意查了字典）
2，文中最后一个reason我并不认同～
3，结构有序
4，最后关于题目的问题，关于该statement，题目是问我们是否同意此观点，也就是现代社会是否真是这样的情况，而不是问这样情况的好与坏吧？？
     看着自己的作文，觉得我应该是跑题了……

PS：我也是刚开始写作文，而且英语水平很烂。拍文水平肯定也很一般，有什么不当的地方希望大家讨论。

jessie2107UID: 2447940

Nowadays, people become more and more “independent”---they take priority to spend their time on personal things rather than the things they should do. A lot of people may call this the losing of responsibility which I strongly disagree.（首段应该表明作者态度，所以此处建议改变句型）

First of all, I want to point out that the society is more and more complicated than （what) it was years ago. If we want to live on ourselves or even more comfortably, we must fully concentrate on our own career. What is more, the time is much likely not enough for us to handle our personal things, let alone helping others. Let’s suppose a man can not live on himself, how can he contribute to the whole society and help others?

Secondly, I believe that people’s preference on their own thing is not result of they are not responsible like before, just because it is more efficient and possible by government to solve big problems. For example, you will find it obviously impossible for an individual to help all the victims. Many people may argue that although I cannot save them all, at least, I can try my best to help them which is much better than the one who do nothing. I concede that is true, but I do not appreciate it, for it is not efficient and not wise.

Finally, thanks to the development of the society, governments become more and more powerful, many things used to trouble us have been resolved gradually. Such as the shortage of food in China, we, Chinese, can depend on our own without food import.

Therefore, I do not think it is bad to focus on our own things, in contrast, I do believe only if you concentrate on yourselves can you make more contributions to the society.

说实话，从我的观点出发，我觉得作者可能有点偏题了。
第一段指出的personal things没有给出精确定义，到底是what we like to do 还是 what we should do。这样一来，使得作者观点不是那么明晰。而后的文章都是围绕personal things 展开的，但是基于作者始终未提及原考题中对what should we do 的两件事情的区分，感觉论证的时候让人有点跟不上步伐。譬如说what we like to do，从很大程度上是一种personal enjoyment~是一种放松休闲，是与我们工作，学习有所区别甚至相互抵触的东西。但是从作者此文来看，似乎你的理解是一种Individual responsibility~而将what we should do 理解成了一种共同分担的social responsibility~而全文讨论的思路似乎就沿着这个方向来进行了~
此外，在原题中有出现too much time ~所以我个人的理解是我们需要就时间分配的“度”来进行一定篇幅的讨论。

以上是我的理解~没有给你的文章进行修改，因为我觉得思路不是特别正确。当然，以上是也只是我的个人观点而已。如果不对，请你见谅~