[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 y61_smile第七次作业

y61_smileUID: 2595244

[TOEFL 4—6月Dark_Tournament写作小组 y61_smile第七次作业

第七次作业题：Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.9 |  U% q/ [4 }& x6

Do you have a clear schedule on your daily life? Do you sometimes feel that time flies especially when you are doing the things you like to do? Nowadays there is a voice that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do. But as to me, maybe we can have a discussion. S" n, _" R. W" [7

To begin with, the fact that people all have to work to feed himself makes the statement a little unreliable. Though some people do seek for fun during their work time, they still have to finish their tasks. Companies only employ those who can contribute themselves to the work and create profits to the companies. Then the employees must devote most of their time to the work-the things they should do.

Also, as the saying goes, hobby is the greatest teacher. The direction we struggle maybe for whole life is to find what we really want. There are many people doing jobs just for survival, however, there are always someone who do what they love for living. According to those people, how can you say that they spend too much time on personal enjoyment? They may be stick to the career and even achieve more than normal human beings.

At last but not the least, I have doubt on the definition of “too much time”. How can you define it to a reasonable limitation like four to five hours per day? And how can you make sure that is just real enjoyment which cannot offer any help to the near future? The answer is so clear now.

To sum up, I cannot completely agree on the statement that people prefer more personal enjoyment. There could be a further research and we can talk about the issue at that time.

哎，我的第一次作业，太烂了。请狠拍！感谢互改的同学！

angeloolUID: 166036

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.

Do you have a clear schedule on your daily life? Do you sometimes feel that time flies especially when you are doing the things you like to do? Nowadays there is a voice that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do. But as to me, maybe we can have a discussion. （这种引出论题的方式很新颖，可是在复述论题时应采用转述而非照搬的方式，最后一句也值得商榷，应直接表明作者的观点，不要兜圈子）

To begin with, the fact that people all have to work to feed himself makes the statement a little unreliable. Though some people do seek for fun during their work time, they still have to finish their tasks. Companies only employ those who can contribute themselves to the work and create profits to the companies. Then the employees must devote most of their time to the work-the things they should do.

Also, as the saying goes, hobby is the greatest teacher. The direction in which we struggle maybe for whole life is may be to find what we really want. There are many people doing jobs just for survival, however, there are always someone who do what they love for living. According to To those people, how can you say that they spend too much time on personal enjoyment? They may be stick to the career and even achieve more than what others will get normal human beings.

At last but not the least, I have doubt on the definition of “too much time”. How can you define it to a reasonable limitation like four to five hours per day? And how can you make sure that is just real enjoyment which cannot offer any help to the near future? The answer is so clear now.

To sum up, I cannot completely agree on the statement that people prefer more personal enjoyment. There could be a further research and we can talk about the issue at that time.

小评：
1.
前两个分论点不错，只是建议在每段首更加明确的说明，让人容易follow你的想法；
2.
最后一个分论点个人认为有点嚼字眼，可以再想一个其他的，或者干脆去掉此段，将功夫用于前两段；
3.
最后一段总结，不太喜欢最后一句，是否一些模板是这样写的？建议改成一些对此论题建设性的看法；
4.
语法和用词都很规范，加油！J

angelmuziflyerUID: 2548676

Do you have a clear schedule on your daily life? Do you sometimes feel that time flies especially when you are doing the things you like to do? （疑问句开头很好！！）Nowadays there is a voice that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do. But as to me, maybe we can have a discussion. 这里没必要悬念一下吧，最好在首段末尾直接亮出观点



To begin with, the fact that people all have to work to feed himself makes the statement a little unreliable. Though some people do seek for fun during their work time, they still have to finish their tasks. Companies only employ those who can contribute（换成dedicate） themselves to the work and create profits to the companies. Then the employees must devote most of their time to the work-the things they should do.



:
Also, as the saying goes, hobby is the greatest teacher. The direction we struggle maybe (去掉吧)for whole life is to find what we really want. There are many people doing jobs just for survival, however, there are always someone who do what they love for living. According to those people, how can you say that they spend too much time on personal enjoyment? （这句话，考虑一下严重性哈，如果你是判卷老外，凭什么就说人家觉得人们用在休闲上的时间更多呢？个人建议，托福作文中尽量不要使用第二人称）They may be stick to （不错0the career and even achieve more than normal human beings.




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At （怪怪的，去掉at吧）last but not the least, I have doubt on the definition of “too much time”. How can you define it to a reasonable limitation like four to five hours per day? And how can you make sure that is just real enjoyment which cannot offer any help to the near future? The answer is so clear now.


,To sum up, I cannot completely agree on the statement that people prefer more personal enjoyment. There could be a further research and we can talk about the issue at that time.
总评：
看得出来，功底不错，只是最好不要使用第二人称，很危险^^需要继续锻炼，the longer the better