【Dark_Tournament TOEFL-ibt作文小组 天泽的 第七次作业】

天泽UID: 2340391

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.

Nowadays personal enjoyment has developed into a new world, with more genres
and more interesting stuff , such as playing computer games, going to the KTV and so on. Thus someone says that people nowadays spend too much time on these things rather than those they should do while I hold different view that people most time do what they should do including some necessary entertainment.

The first and the most important reason is that our society keeps developing fast nowadays. People in different field work hard to improve the feeling of comfort for our daily life. From science to technology, from education to economy, new knowledge comes out day after night. Since what has been mentioned above I believe that people do what should be done all the time.

Maybe someone would argue that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment while I disagree with it. In my opinion enjoyment is also necessary for us, as working under heavy pressure every day, people also need relaxing. Imagine that after the whole day‘s work, drawing the heavy body home, what would you like to do most? Still work? The answer must be enjoying yourself by doing what you like. Only when relaxing well can you put more energy on the work next day work. A very reasonable example which can support my view is the job programmer. As we see programmer is a kind of job which costs one too much time on hard work while almost no time on enjoyment, thus few programmer can continue to work after 40 years old.


From what has been talked above we can easily draw a conclusion that though sometimes taking necessary enjoyment people do what should be done all the time, which pushes the society to the higher rank.

天泽UID: 2340391

不好意思作业交晚了增加斑斑工作量了。
ps：这篇作文写得实在是烂到极点了……大家狠拍吧~感觉设置论点的时候就很大，又想不出什么论证的逻辑思路，外加想不出论据，就是烂哦~

grace.TTUID: 2534695

Word:341
Nowadays personal enjoyment has developed into a new world, with more genres(a class or category of art,music,or writing..美术音乐著作的体裁，是侧重这些艺术作品的内容形式，用在这里和interesting stuff并列，似乎有些不妥) and more interesting stuff , such as playing computer games, going to the KTV and so on. (两者没有必要同时用，累赘了)Thus someone says that people nowadays spend too much time on these things rather than those they should do while I hold different view that people most time（most of the time是固定搭配，更精确些） do what they should do including some necessary entertainment（some修饰可数名词、much修饰不可数。entertainment字典上解释：noncount:娱乐、消遣 e.g what do you do for ~?；count:娱乐活动、文娱表演 e.g plays,concerts,and other ~s）.

The first and the most(用法不够地道，中文思维局限,用个but连接会不会更好？but有副词仅仅的意思，相当于only) important reason is that our society keeps developing fast nowadays. People in different field work hard to improve the feeling of comfort for our daily life. From science to technology, from education to economy, new knowledge comes out day after night. （似乎不能这么并列着写，中文思维，用个嵌套怎么样？whether from…to.. or..to..）ince what has been mentioned above I believe that people do what should be done all the time.
Maybe someone would argue that people spend too much time on （第一段已用过，可否换个说法）personal enjoyment while I disagree with it. In my opinion enjoyment is also necessary for us, as working under heavy pressure every day, people also need relaxing. Imagine that after the whole day‘s work, drawing the heavy body home, what would you like to do most? Still work? The answer must be enjoying yourself by doing what you like. Only when relaxing well can you put more energy on the work next day work. （倒装句，不错）A very reasonable example which can support my view is the job programmer. As we see programmer is a kind of job which costs one too much time on hard work while almost no time on enjoyment, thus few programmer can continue to work after 40 years old（你怎么知道programmer 40岁后就都不能工作呢？要力图客观，比如提一句是某某survey的调查显示或某某学家的研究成果之类的）.

From what has been talked above we can easily draw a conclusion that though sometimes taking necessary enjoyment people do what should be done all the time, which pushes the society to the higher rank.（可以这么套用吗，我也不清楚，请再查一下吧，然后告诉我）
第一段：提出了自己的立场，可以。　　　　
第二段：社会压力大，知识更新换代快等。但是太大太空了。如果说，第三段是为了进一步论证第二段，那论点又太少了点，建议再考虑考虑，全文至少两个论点支撑。并且第二段的论证思维不够清晰。
第三段：虽然有细节，如拖着沉重身体回家的心理活动及计算机程序员的例子，但远远不够。
第四段：结束得也有些突兀了。

望lz再斟酌一下，盼与lz进一步探讨。

mintshUID: 2460474

2# 天泽
Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.4 g& C0 Y' [. K+ g0 w

0 @8 ]* d6 A6 V% ]Nowadays personal enjoyment has developed into a new world, with more genres这个词在这里用的不恰当哦，这个是指文学体裁的，要不改成more kinds and more interesting stuff , such as playing computer games, going to the KTV and so on. Thus someone says that people nowadays spend too much time on these things rather than those they should do while I hold different view that people most time这里有点语法错误 试试改成under most of the circumstance do what they should do including some necessary entertainment. ] R" W. P! |


; ~! s  l$ U" |( FThe first and the most important reason is that our society keeps developing fast nowadays. People in different field work hard to improve the feeling of comfort for our daily life. From science to technology, from education to economy, new knowledge comes out day after night. Since这里也有点语法错误哦，如果要这样表达，最好用介词短语，比如Due to what has been mentioned above I believe that people do what should be done all the time. + F# @; K9 ]0 r
, S% U' |8 K! h; w  m+ F
Maybe someone would argue that people spend too much time on personal enjoyment while I disagree with it. In my opinion enjoyment is also necessary for us, as这里用when, 小天是想表达 因为。。所以。。的意思吗，但是as 不能直接加分词短语哦 working under heavy pressure every day, people also need relaxing. Imagine that after the whole day‘s work, drawing the heavy body home,这个很形象，哈哈 what would you like to do most? Still work? The answer must be enjoying yourself by doing what you like. Only when这里去掉when relaxing well can you put more energy on the work next day work. A very reasonable example which can support my view is the job programmer. As we see programmer is a kind of job which costs one too much time on hard work while almost no time on enjoyment, thus few programmer can continue to work after 40 years old. 8 Y8 P; h+ U6 K5 [% a2 Z/ C
& C1 ^! F) Q% w# t- Z! F

# C0 x1 `0 Q  n" {$ x3 i0 FFrom what has been talked above we can easily draw a conclusion that though sometimes taking necessary enjoyment people do what should be done all the time, which pushes the society to the higher rank.这里改成a better one for people to live in 可能会比较顺

第一个原因可以要阐述得更完整一些哦，比如后面加上，正是由于人们的努力工作，社会才不断进步。
第二个原因，切入的角度不错~~赞一个
感觉小天的语法基础有点薄弱哦~~回去要补习一下连词、介词的用法，多看地道的美文。下次再写句子就不会错了，顺便可以积累不少实用的词汇~~
呼呼。。睡觉了准备，回头再交流~~